Awake
by leaves at autumn
Summary: Guess it’s kind of weird for a guy to write a diary. Maybe I shouldn’t call it a diary. A journal. That’s more like it. Or just a plain notebook that I am doodling on in my intense pain, trying to forget I just got beat up by my own step father. James P.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary.

It hurts.

Bloody hell, it hurts.

It hurts to move. It hurts to breath. It hurts to think. I feel like every freaking atom in my body is a different, painful wound. I want to die. I want to just lie here, quietly, emptying my head of all thoughts forever more.

I want to never see his face again.

Why? Why did she have to marry him?

I guess it's kind of weird for a guy to write a diary. Maybe I shouldn't call it a diary. A journal. That's more like it. Or just a plain notebook that I am doodling on in my intense pain, trying to forget I just got beat up by my own step father for the who knows what time.

Darn. Why did I remind myself?

My brain must not be working properly. Maybe I should rest.

Ok. Scratch that. I can't bring myself to get on the bed. I was barley able to get this stupid book opened again. And the pen to move. Bah. I fell pathetic.

Not a good feeling.

So.

In my boredom I will squiggle a bunch of lines. No, not a poem. I hate poems. They're so confusing. I'll just… remind myself who I am.

Which is kind of strange, because there is no sign of amnesia in my family. Some of my uncles got their memory erased with a spell, though. I hope I will ine will be erased one day, too. Not only will that give a point to witting this so-called 'journal', (which is not very enjoyable with my fingers leaving blood marks all over the paper), but it will also help me forget these horrible last few weeks.

So here we go.

I am going to write about myself. Spill my soul through this blood stained quill and write a full-blown story about the life of… me.

something now male should ever be forced to do.

Here we go.

Right now.

Just let me think for a sec.

All right, let's start from the basics. My name is James Potter. Actually, my name is now officially James Laurence. But I do not, (repeat) DO NOT recognize my self as such. I was born James Potter, and I will remain a Potter for the rest of my life, and I don't care who my mum marries. She can marry Voldemort himself if she wishes it. I don't think she does, but I also thought she loved dad, and will continue to love him even after his death. But no. She went and got herself a new husband. And- oh, joy! He's a drunk!

A violent drunk, as it is.

Bah.

Ok, back to me. I'll be 16 years old in a few days, August 31st. that's only one day before I get away from this damp. Thank Merlin. I will be attending Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Obviously, I'll be doing the wizardry part. I'm no witch, thank you very much. I hope I can snick a visit to Diagon Alley before boarding the train. I didn't have any time to get my supplies this summer. Although getting a detention on the first day of the term will make Padfoot droll with envy, I don't intend my 'dad' to get 'upset' with me so early this year. He, being my legal guardian, will be able to get me out of class. Which is not a good thing; because I'll be gasping for breath while receiving deadly kicks, shouts, and spells instead of enjoying the free time.

Not so pleasant.

Grr. Something just fell on my leg. PAINFULLY. I think it's a book. Can't master enough strength to raise one self's head and actually check. If I had a wand, I'll be able o conjure a mirror and see behind my back. Or not. I am currently spread on the floor in a pool of my own (unpleasantly smelling, if you know what I mean) blood, marvelous hair soaked with the disgusting substance, head resting on stone floor, writing in this bloody (literally) book. Why? Good question. I am probably just killing myself here, wasting energy I no longer posses.

I used to have enough energy to jump off walls. Play Quidditch twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, 325 days a year. Not including, of course, detention hours I would have gotten for exceeded pranking with my fellow marauders. Or stalking Lily Evans. Or fighting with Slytherins.

That isn't what's important anymore. Now I know life isn't all about having fun. Life is a cruel place where fathers beat their stepsons and mothers don't care. Where Death eaters roam free, killing innocent people on the way. Where the ministry of magic is helpless against the growing threat that is Voldemort. Where the hope of the magical community is dieing off, one dead friend, relative, or neighbor at a time.

I have grown up this summer. I can feel it in my beaten veins. It toke a drunken new father and more then a few injuries to get it through my thick skull that people are actually dieing out there. It took my dad's death for me to realize what agony people are going through, day by day. It took long sleepless nights of blood lose for me to understand what pain the dieing are feeling every day.

I feel like I just came out of a story. I finally closed the book, and, looking around me, came back into the real world, for the first time in my life.

I do not like what I found out here. But I'm glad I found it.

Because now, I have the ability to deal with it. To make it stop.

Once and for all.

So no one will ever again have to go through

**_That would be the first chapter. _**

**_Hope you enjoyed._**


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Journal.

Am currently in room, lying in bed like the good boy I'm not. Cannot move muscles. Feels like just got run over by a hippogriff. Is spitting blood on mattress. Am looking at bandages on other side of room longingly.

Am too weak to go get them.

Ouch.

Yesterday I complained I was hurting all other. Just forget I said that, ok? Because this morning, after getting beat up again yesturday by me of oh so loving father before finishing the last entry, (because I was spilling blood on the carpet), I woke up in my bed, feeling like my bones have been crushed and my organs rearranged so my heart is somewhere near me left leg and my spine is steadily making it's way up my back. My skin feels like paper. It's all white and ghostly like. I don't know how I got on the bed. I don't really want to know. I want for this blustered pain to just go away.

I want to get to Hogwarts. Soon. Like right now, this second. I want to let Madam Pomfrey take care of my injuries and then go to a flight on the broom with the marauders. I don't want to grow up. Yesterday I probably hit my head to hard on the floor or something. I'm just a kid. I want to forget about everyone else and just live my life before I die in the hands of this evil father of mine.

I wish things were back like they used to be. I wish my dad were still alive. I wish my mom wasn't too sad to notice her new husband hitting me mercifully. I wish she never married him. I wish my wish list were shorter. I wish.

But would I get it? Of course not.

I have come to the conclusion that I had me share of fun in my life, and used it up. From now on, it will go from bad, to worst, to bloody painful. Or maybe I'm already there. Maybe I'll just die before I ever get to see my friends again.

Crap. Someone's at the door.

* * *

It was _Him._

_'Dad'._

He wanted to make sure I realize not him nor my mother are going to stand any more _problems _this up coming year. How did he hear about those? Mom only married him at the beginning of the summer. How will he know about my detention record and grades? Damn it. I wanted everything to go back to normal. I want to go back to the castle with my pals and fight Slytherins and pull pranks like we used to. I want to stalk Evans.

But I can't.

Talking to my dad, not really listening to his long, curse filled lecture, I had a thought.

Children are innocent. They don't realize what's going on in the world, and that's how they are able to not care.

I am not longer innocent. I _do_ care.

I'm not a kid anymore.

Things will never be back the way they used to be. I'll never have what I used to have. I'll never be able to be the same young, energetic James Potter I want to be.

I lost my innocence.

I can never go back.

_**Done.**_

**_I hope you liked it. updates will be done every 4-7 days, give or take. _**

**_I was really suprised by the number of reviews this story got. 6, for one little chapter. thankyou all!_**

**_Hopefully I didn't disappoint you. _**

_Echo Chambers- my first reviewer! thankyou so much. I agree about the James beeing abused part, I searched for it, and found almost no stories. that's why I wrote this, actually._

_lightdragon1987- I know, I have so much of those mistaked in the text... spelling and grammer are not my strong subjects. _

_darkHPfan411- I hope this satisfies you..._

_Rylie D- again with the typos. sorry! About james coming to the rescue- I hate that. ome writters make him seem so unnaturaly brave, which make it hard to believe he's realistic. _

_alainn-chaser - thanks for the warnning- (again). I didn't think about it, though I should have. Err, I'm not sure this story will stay very angst for very long... see, he IS going to hogwarts soon... keepin ghis secret... it might though. I don't know. didn't decide yet. _

_insane-rocker-this is the next update, LOL. I'm glas you liked it. _

**_so that's it for the reviewers- you're all awesome. sorry for typos, everyone who's reading this. _**


	3. Chapter 3

Dear journal.

_I can't move my left arm. _

Well, I can move my pinky. But that shots waves of intense pain throughout my blood veins.

And that's it. That's all I can move.

I think it's broken.

Darn. What am I suppose to do with it now? I'll be boarding the Hogwarts express tomorrow morning! That's only about 4 hours away! My friends will definitely notice if one of my bones is broken. We're like that. We know when something is wrong.

See, every marauder has a secret. We used to think only Remus had a secret. We figured it out in second year, when we discovered he was a werewolf. But then, of course, Peter admitted of being an orphan in 3ed year. It's amazing how he managed to hide it for 3 years. Then Sirius run away from home last year. he was like my brother for a whole year, but he turned 17 last May, and, having a little fortune from his uncle, he bought a flat and that's where he's staying until school starts tomorrow.

I was the only one without a secret. Until my dad died, and then, of course, the whole school heard. I mean, dad was a top auror, after all.

And everyone knows mom got married. It's old news to the media.

No one knows he hits me, though.

And no one will ever know. It's not so bad, anyway. It's not as bad as being an outcaste in your own family, or being a werewolf. And at least I still have mum. She's alive, unlike Peter's parents. I have nothing to complain about. The others have enough troubles without me. I realized that yesterday, while I was too tired to pick up the freaking quill. My arm hurt too much. I know how they feel now. My friends. And I'll do my best to act like them, not revealing my pain to others.

Maybe I should put it in a cast or something. Tell them I fall on the stairs. None of them met my dad yet…. Peter was stuck in the orphanage, Sirius busy with his flat, and Remus worrying about apparation tests, license to do what not, etc. we communicated by letters mostly. They are all well, except Peter, who can't wait to get away from his 'home'.

Poor guy. I don't' know who he can stand it.

My mom bought me all my things from Diagon Alley yesterday. I haven't seen her in a while… only my 'dad'. I think he's keeping her away from me. I got all the new books, looking as new and boring as ever. A set of quills… a telescope… a bunch of potion ingredients. A new bag and lots of parchment.

It looks so natural. So normal. Like last year, when my dad and I bought all that together. My real dad. When mom stayed home to bake a cake for my birthday. She didn't do it today. She forgot, I guess. I spent the whole day in my room; looking at spells I might be able to use to heal my arm. I found none.

Healing should be a subject in Hogwarts. It's just as important as muggle studies.

**_hope you liked it. _**

**_I got complains about the long waiting periods for updates and length of chapters. Well, apart from having 4 more stories I'm currently writing to continue, school work and stupid projects as well as report cards coming out, I have one more excuse: these are short because he isn't in Hogwarts yet. They will get shorter and longer whenever I feel it's necessary. Every chapter is one entry- some might have only three words to them. I promise I'll do a double entry, then, don't worry. _**

**_Also, should this be James's entries only, or some other point of view (not journals, that would be weird) for Lily, or Remus, or Sirius or the others? You decide. _**

**_Thank you all my reviewers: _**

_darkHPfan411- here it is, short and necessary. next one will be very long, don't you worry for a bit. lol. _

_SinnerxXxAmongxXxThexXxSaints- it won't stay sad for too long, I'm sorry... i will have death in it, like I write in my profile, but not main character, so I guess it WILL be sad eventually. Here's the next update, hope it satisfies you... _

_whitelight73- I'm glad you like it. I like it too. (hehe) _

_minatia- I know what you mean, really, and I hope I answered that above. if you didn't read it (which you should!) it said that entries will, in fact, become longer, and then shorter, and if they are ridiculously short I'll do double entries. this one is ridiculously short, I know, but the next on eis long, (kind of) so i think it's ok. Hope it doesn't bother you too much. _

_Warm summer days- I couldn't spell to save my life. I so win. lol. I think James is much more suitable to be the abused one. Lily is strong; she faced Voldemort, didn't she? People shouldn't look at her as a whimpery girl needing protection. _

_rylie D- yes! people DID get it! thank god. i wasn't sure if it was obviouse enough, how his mom is- wait, I'm not telling ou1 not yet. wait patiently, please. _

_lightdragon1987- I mentioned your idea earlier. I hope that's what you meant, and it's a great idea, so thanks! Hopefully people will be corruptive (hint hint!) and give their support or objection for this. _

_Amenti- thank you! I'm really happy you like it. _

_alainn-chaser- I mentioned this idea, also. Kind of mixed yours and lightdragon1987 together. I'm not sure I want a beta... thank you for offering, and I know I need it (badly) but I have a beta for another story, and she's great, really, but it's too confusing. i need to keep the betaed part and the unbetaed in different files and remember which is which and also to wait for it to be done and not update immediately, etc etc... so I will have to say no, only because of that. _

_Orangeokapi13- will not remain angst for long. Or maybe it will... I'm not sure yet. _

_Insane-rocker- support is always welcomed. I say update a lot, too. Every review I make, actually. what can you do? it's such a fun word... lol... _

_Themarauders4ever- I agree. Although my story just says he was once a brat and now he's over it. Not completely, I mean, he is predicted to be really mad and annoying in the ear future (hinting here), but he has good reason. I just need to figure out what that reason is, and then I'll be able to update again... _

**_Twelve reviews. Wow. That's a real new record for me. Thank you, all! _**


	4. Chapter 4

Dear journal.

Crap.

It's nearing midnight. I'm sitting in my new Head Room, writing to the light of my wand, concealed by the bed sheets. Everything is silent; Lily Evans, who's Head Girl this year, isn't like the marauders. I can't hear Sirius snoring loudly to my right, his snores getting mixed with Peter's much louder ones on his right. On my left Remus is not reading something that seems too educational for any one of us to touch. It's silent. Alone. Weird.

Today was… interesting. Yeah, let's say that. The sorting was nice. We got 9 new Gryffindor first years. Then the feast- that was awesome. All the great food I missed so much this summer. A refreshing change from the usual muggle bought pizza and French fries my new step dad likes so much.

Who am I kidding? Today was freaking hard.

First off, my 'dad' dropped me off at the train station about 5 hours too early. The gates into platform 9¾ weren't even open yet. I got a lot of stares when I bumped into it with all my staff. I hide a scream when my broken arm hit the wall. It felt like He just broke it all over again. With watery eyes I dizzily sat on the ground next to the entrance, wondering when it would open. Meanwhile, I adjusted the floppy cast I made for myself using some bandages I found in the basement. I had to paint them white so no one will see all the blood that's soaking in them. My arm is swollen and has a weird, blue/red color to it. (I didn't get a chance to go to Madam Pomfrey yet.) Then again, maybe she won't believe me when I say I fall from the stairs. The marauders didn't.

They showed up one after the other. I was dozing off in the shade and noise of king cross-station, listening to muggles yell and cry and wave goodbye. I heard the clock call 9, and then wizards started arriving. I was too tired to get up and go inside, so I decided just to lie there until my friends come. I got a lot of strange looks from people I knew and didn't: Severus Snape, Lily Evans, Mark Lucious, Dory Appalich, Nora Annson…. And finally, Peter Pettigrew. He was coming out of a bus, holding a small suitcase in one hand and a little jar in the other. He has a bunch of bug pets. Mostly beetles. They're really cute, with big eyes and fat bodies. He was about to go straight into platform 9¾, but he noticed me, and stopped half way through the wall.

"Prongs? What are you doing on the floor?" he asked, looking at me with this bewildered expression. I smiled at him, hoping to seem convincing.

"Just… Hanging out. Waiting for you guys." I said. He looked mildly confused, but Peter doesn't usually pay much attention to weird things Sirius or me do. We tend to get slightly unpredictable at times. He sat his bags on the floor beside mine and leaned on the wall to my right, looking out for Sirius or Remus.

"You're usually late," he remarked, eyeing his beetle jar carefully. I looked at them, too. A bunch of leaves and stems were pressed together inside the tiny jar, with little, colorful bags carelessly making their way up and down each.

"Yeah. " was I said, staring at one particular beetle eating a dieing, unrecognizable leaf in big chunks. "My parents had to go somewhere, so they dropped me off early. "

"You mean your mom and step dad?"

I swallowed.

"Yeah."

We waited there silently for a while, occasionally returning a wave from friends, and scowling at enemies. A group of 4th year girls giggled when I flashed a smile their way.

Home sweet home.

Remus was the next marauder to arrive. He was carrying an extra bag, which turned out to be filled with extra books. He spotted us immediately, and made his way over.

"Shouldn't we be getting inside?" he asked after the usual greetings and 'how was your summer?' exchanges. Peter looked at me, and I smiled as best as I could.

"I thought we should wait for Padfoot so we can all board together," he looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Where are we supposed to sit then? All the compartments will be taken."

" I'm head Boy this year," I said, not looking at him in the eye. I know he wanted to get that. I don't know what Dumbledore was thinking when he gave it to me, and not Remus, who is way more responsible and a perfect since 5th year. "We can share a compartment with the head girl, or maybe she'll leave after the perfect meeting."

I looked up to see his reaction. He was- dare I say it- relived. "You got it? Thank Merlin. I don't have time for head boy duties this year. You know I'm taking all those extra classes- and frankly, I'm not going to have time to for anything if I have that, too. Congratulations Pron- what happened to your arm?"

The relief that flooded me at seeing he wasn't mad disappeared in a fraction of a second. I looked around for inspiration, before saying what I planned on saying back in the manor.

"I fall off the stairs this summer… it's broken; I think. I need Madam Pomfrey to see it when we get to Hogwarts."

"Are you serious?' he demanded, kneeling by were I sat, and grabbing it gently. It still hurt, and I ground my teeth, not saying a word. He inspected it carefully.

"How long did you fall?" he asked, looking at me doubtfully. "It has blood all over it…."

The required answer was repealed by Sirius coming towards us out of the shadows. He probably apparated, or used Floo powder. He was smiling like a maniac, but of course no one was surprised. Sirius is a maniac, after all.

"Hi!" he said cheerfully, sitting next to my and Remus, who was still holding my bandaged arm. He looked from me, to Remus, and then to Peter with this cheery smile spread on his face. "How are you doing, guys? Wormtail, sit down! What are you standing for? You got a new beetle! Let me see! Oh, it's so cute! Moony, are those extra bags? How many classes are you taking this year mate? Too many, I bet. Where is your owl? The new one you told me you bought this summer? Is he already at Hogwarts? Do you guys know who got the head Boy and Girl this year? Prongs, why are you so pale? You need to play more Quidditch mate, you look sick. You have a broken arm? Can I write on it?"

Sirius is a very energetic guy.

"Padfoot," Remus looked at him with this weird expression, like he couldn't decide weather to laugh or be worried. "How much sugar did you eat this summer?"

"Oh I dunno… I ate chocolate cereal for breakfast today… and I added sugar to the chocolate milk it was in, 'cause otherwise it's no good, and-"

I let my head rest on the cool stone wall behind me. Sirius likes to chatter. A lot. His voice is so relaxing…

"Oh crap!" Remus woke me up from an almost sleep, looking at the clock. "We need to go- only 15 minutes before the train leaves! There will be absolutely no sits left!"

We all rolled our eyes. Remus is known for being paranoid over stupid things like being on time and homework. Bah.

We went in, anyway. I tried not to let them see my constant groans and winces as I stood up, hitting about every freaking wound I have, and maybe making some start bleeding all over again. My muscles seemed to want to murder me for making them move, and never quit itching. I don't think they noticed. But then again, Remus did take one of my bags away half way through. Ok, maybe they did notice. Darn.

Trying to get their trust back I led the way to the head's compartment, avoiding the urge to shout every time someone bumped into me. Which was a lot. (About 27, but who's counting?) I shouldn't have been shocked to see Evans sitting in the compartment with her friends, but I was. I didn't think it would be her, Lily Evans, who would share a common room, responsibilities, and a lot of time with me as head boy and girl, but she was the obvious choice. I guess I lost trust in Dumbledore's choices when he chose me as head boy over Remus.

When we entered, she gave me a nasty scowl, and smiled at Remus.

"I knew you'd get it," she said, looking at him in this friendly way I was so envy of. I had to remind my self more then once that stalking Evan's wasn't one of my priorities this year. "I don't think anyone else in our year deserves it more then you, Remus. Do you have any ideas already?"

Remus gave me an apologetic smile, and sat down in front of Lily and her two best friends- Alyson Morla and Coral Coriona, while we filled in all the other empty sits.

"Actually, Lily, I'm not the head boy, but thanks for the compliments," he chuckled, grinning at her with humor. Her smile faded quickly, and she blushed.

"Oh, my bad." She coughed sheepishly. "So what are you guys doing in the head compartment, then?"

"James got it," explained Remus, and Evans started coughing for real. Alyson grinned wildly as she handed her a drink from her bag.

"You cannot be serious," she said, looking from Remus to me and to Remus again. I tried smiling, but my leg was touching Sirius's straight on a big, still bleeding wound. I didn't say anything, though, letting Remus talk for me.

"Err… no, I am serious," he said frowning slightly. "James's head Boy… I think he had some neat ideas last year when I asked him."

Now it was my turn to cough. Last year I complained a lot about everything being the same, and started suggesting a Halloween party, Valentine Day dance, and April Fools contest to 'who can pool the greatest prank'. I didn't know Remus was taking notes. He's too observant, Merlin.

The rest of the ride went on rather uneventfully, in this very eventful sort of way. We bought a mountain of candy, played snapping cards, some wizards chess, and talked a lot about summer vacation, and the upcoming year. Sirius discussed the traditional Halloween prank, and Evans told him he won't get away with it this year, with her being head girl. I think she's putting too much faith in her skills. She's great and all, but Sirius has been doing those pranks for 6 years in a row now, with out getting in trouble even once.

As we entered the lit Great Hall, taking our regular place in the Gryffindor table. The girls left us to go gossip about something or other on the other end. I yelped after Sirius accidentally sat on me (accidentally. Right.).

"Sorry, mate" he said, grinning cheerfully, although his voice was really surprised and he sounded sorry. Of course he didn't mean to land on a bloody, visible tissue. He just meant to joke. I know that.

But still, when someone suddenly decides to sit on a very very painful injury on your leg with as much force as they could possibly master (trust me. I could tell.), it's kind of hard not to look at them accusingly.

But then again, I wasn't the only one giving accusing looks.

"What?" I asked the suspicious Remus, who studied me carefully.

"Something's wrong with you." He stated finally, looking me in the eye. I acted angry, avoiding his burning stare.

"Wow, thanks, " I said sarcastically, feeling my plate with the recently appeared food. "What a compliment."

He huffed, and now the other two were looking me up and down, too. "You know I don't mean it like that, Prongs, don't play dumb. You're too good at it."

Considering it was Moony, I decided to take that as a compliment.

"You've been acting all weird since we met again. Yelping and grimacing whenever someone touches you. What's up?"

I pretended to sigh heavily, and put my fork down.

"Ok. You caught me. " I closed my eyes with fake pain. "I recently smuggled a pet dragon from my cousins in Antarctica and it won't stop biting me and freezing my body with his icy fire!"

There was a moment of silent before Sirius started with his insane laugh, and Peter grinned sheepishly. Remus gave me an annoyed look, but let it go. He's very smart, you know.

I would like to say that was that, and they stopped bothering me about the grimacing after that. And they did, although I have a weird feeling Remus is not done with me. I hope the full moon change his mind, he always get kind of lost when it's closer, and it's only about two weeks away. Wait, that was mean. I didn't mean I like it when he transforms, just… I hope he'll let the subject drop, anyway.

In any event, the marauders were done questioning me for that night. I was 'off the hook'. (Thank you, Merlin.) Or so I thought. Next thing I know, Evans is by our table looking at me with annoyance.

"Potter, are you coming?"

"Where? I'm eating," And she calls me a stalker.

"Didn't you get the Head letter? Or was it too exhausting for you puny brain to read it? Dumbledore is having a conference with us in his office, in about… 20 minutes ago."

Oh.

Oops. I guess I should have read the whole letter, then. Damn. I threw it away after I got the blood away from the badge. My dad was mad about the amount of money it cost to buy all me supplies this year, and it was in the same envelope. It was… err, painful.

"Are you coming?" she demanded again, tapping her foot on the floor impatiently. I smiled at my friends apologetically, getting up, my plate half empty.

"Relax, Evans, it's only ten minutes."

"Twenty."

"Whatever."

We left the noisy Great Hall, starting our long way to the headmaster's office, a place I know very well. I've been there at least once a month since Halloween, first year. Sometimes more. Sirius and me even broke in there once… we guessed the password. It was really easy, honestly.

"Popsicle," said Evans clearly. She looked at me threateningly as if challenging me to laugh. I considered, but decided that those immature gestures were now below me. I knew Dumbledore liked using those passwords, why should I laugh? I stared straight at her steadily, repealing her challenge. We stared at each other for a few minutes before she broke eye contact with a huff.

I couldn't help but smile to myself. I was surprising her, which didn't happen often.

"Ah! My heads! Welcome, welcome! Please, sit down." Said the cheerful headmaster, grinning at us with enthusiasm.

There is no chance that man is over a hundred years old. He's disguising himself- I swear! He's really 25.

Don't ask me what a twenty five year old is doing as headmaster. I don't know. But he's too happy and silly to be any older.

"How was the feast?" he asked, as we sat down in front of him. Evans was looking around sheepishly, her huge, emerald eyes wide with wonder. I stared at her for a while, while Dumbledore was offering us some lemon drops. Her red hair was resting on her shoulders smoothly, looking so natural and beautiful it was scary. No, not scary; I don't know how. Just nice.

"So do you have any questions of your new title?" asked Dumbledore, looking at us with this wide grin as if he knew something we didn't. His eyes flickered on me for a second. (If you want to be a prankster, you have to be observant.) I wonder what he was thinking. Did he see me looking at her? Oh, great. Now my feelings (which do not exits anymore, by the way!) will be the joke of the day in the teacher's lounge.

I wonder what Sirius would say to that. I didn't see him since I got back...

Anyway.

"Well, actually, headmaster, I do have a few questions," Evans was talking in that sweet, flattering voice she only saves for teachers. As if she's afraid that if she talked to them normally they'd fail her or something. Merlin.

"What would that be, Ms. Evans?" asked Dumbledore pleasantly. He was looking at me secretly. I'm still trying to figure out why.

"How come… Potter got to be head boy?"

_Excuse me?_

Now that hurt. That really hurt. I would start sobbing, but I'm a guy, and that just won't do, but that hurt.

Dumbledore, unlike some people (ME!) found this amusing. " What do you mean, Ms. Evans? James Potter is a top student, an excellent wizard. Much like yourself, might I add…"

"Yes, but- he's "-she looked at me hatefully- "he's so irresponsible, and-"

"Ms. Evans, my choice of heads is quit permanent. Unless Mr. Potter will like to resign, or is not completing his responsibilities fully enough, he will remain head boy besides you for the rest of the year. " Dumbledore said pleasantly. "Any more questions?"

"Yes," I found myself saying, not looking at Evans. The little git. " What exactly are our responsibilities?"

Dumbledore smiled at me. How can he smile so much? Even Sirius can't smile that much. Well maybe he can. I don't know.

" You and Ms. Evans will be in charge of patrols after curfews, _alone,"_ he emphasized, probably knowing I was thinking of taking the marauders along- "also taking care of perfect duties, organizing Hogsmid trips and tutoring students who need help every Friday morning. If you wish, you can also organize sport events… dances… etc. It is your choice entirely."

"How about a Halloween custom party? And a Valentine dance? Chess tournaments? A talent show!" I started counting down all the ideas I thought about in the train ride, while Remus and Sirius played chess and the girls talked about what not. (Train rides are usually not very eventful)  
"those are wonderful ideas, Mr. Potter. Why won't you discuss them with Ms. Evans? I'm sure she'll be delighted to listen." Yeah, right. "Now. As your first duty, you must conduct a perfect meeting sometimes next week, discussing patrols, tutoring, and what ever else you find necessary. Make sure to notify everyone. I would also suggest you meet sometimes soon, to talk over some of your ideas for this year. Perhaps this Saturday? Splendid! Now, will you follow me to your new dorms…"

"What!" called Evans. I looked at her. "We have to sleep in the same dorm!"

Dumbledore chuckled. " Yes, Ms. Evans, in the heads dorms. You'll get your own room, your own password, and your friends will be welcome to visit you before curfews. We find this more convenient, especially when the heads are in different houses. Easier communication."

She looked at him with shock. Didn't she know that? I mean, the heads room is the marauder's favorite place to stay. We like the bath- it's like a swimming pool. The heads usually let us hang out there when we're hiding form McGonagall. I thought everyone knew about it…

Dumbledore showed us to the dorm, which is very close to the great hall. The rooms are huge- I don't remember them being so big. In the 'common room' there's a big fireplace, more sofas then necessary, a bunch of little tables and even a tiny kitchen to make small snacks. Last year Sirius ruined the sink with gum, but I guess they fixed it over the summer. There are also three doors, leading to the bedrooms, and the one bathroom. 'Wonder how that's supposed to work out. Everything's covered with Gryffindor colors. Evens quickly entered her room, so I went to look at mine. It looks a lot like my room a few weeks ago, when my dad was alive. Filled with Quidditch equipment and posters, and almost no books. There's a big bed, and two huge windows, with a wooden desk in between. You can see the he lake from the windows. That's a definite bonus, by the way… I kind of like looking at the lake. Don't tell Sirius.

I spotted my suitcases and decided to put everything in place later. Instead I went outside to see what Evens room looks like.

The walls were a soft peach color, with wooden framed windows facing the forbidden forest. Her bed was covered with pillows, and even an occasional staffed animal. There was a whole wall reserved for books, either magic related or muggle. The walls were covered with pictures; most of the unmoving, (yeah, _unmoving_.) and the desk was hidden behind stacks of paper she somehow managed to take out already. Evans herself was standing in the midst of it all, crouched near her trunk and taking things out. Her red hair was falling out of the loose bind, washing her face with waterfalls of silky, fire like goodness.

I am not a poet. But I swear, that's what it looked like.

"Potter!"

Can this girl do anything but yell? Here go the fire waterfalls. Firefalls. Whatever.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded, pushing her hair away from her eyes. I guess I finally remember why I was chasing her for about 2 year now. Those oceans of emerald green…

"Sorry, just passing by," I said, backing out. My hand was starting to itch, and I finally remembered wanting to go to madam Pomfrey. Too late now.

She paused for a while, as if thinking what to say.

"How did you do it?" she asked finally. I looked at her, wondering what in Merlin's beard was she taking about.

"How did you convince Dumbledore to give you the job? Do you really want to annoy me that bad you have to spend every freaking second with me in sight!"

You know what's wrong with fire waterfalls? They burn.

"I didn't convince Dumbledore to do anything, " I said simply, trying not to show my irritation. "He told you in his office, after you so rudely asked him, that I was his choice entirely. I think that should be enough for you, Ev-"

"Don't give me that Crap, Potter!" she stopped me, looked plenty vexed. Her ocean eyes were in the middle of a violent storm.

Note to self- Must stop poetic metaphors.

"So how did you do it?" she asked jeeringly. "Put something in his drink? A hex? If you think I'll go out with you after this, then-"

"First of, I didn't ask you to go out with me." I started, my anger concealed no more. She looked at me mockingly, as if saying 'yeah, right.' " Second, I did not hex the headmaster, and I doubt anyone could. And if you want me to leave, Evans, you can just ask." I stared at her for a second.

"Fine, " she said. "Get out then."

I did so, gladly. Merlin, that girl's a handful.

So here I am now, a few minutes later, writing in this 'journal' of mine. I hope tomorrow will be better, with Evans cooling off (I didn't realize how mad she was that I'm her partner for the year) and the marauders will forget about my wincing, and no one else will notice, either. Hopefully.

My arm hurts like hell. I think I should put the quill down now, before my right arm starts itching, too. Tomorrow I'll go to Madam Pomfrey so she'd fix it. She can fix anything, that one. Classes start tomorrow, and I bet we'll have lots of homework. I think the teacher have this weird idea that we have no life outside their classrooms. From the amount of homework we got last year, it seems likely.

I wonder how Sirius will look when he'll see me doing homework. I've decided to put more effort to get good NEWTs, so I can become an auror once I'm out of school. Maybe I can arrest my step dad for something.

I hope so.

**_sorry this is one day late. it's long and not so good. and not angsty at all. i'm really sorry. next chapter has more 'secret' action._**

**_thankyou for being patient, especially my excellent reviewers:_**

_warm summer days- here's the fourth chapter. I hope this mke the third chapter better. wait. what?_

_lightdragon1987- thanks for the advice, I think sirius will be good as the first to find out, too. he's insane_ _this chapter, but it will all be explined in chapter... 7, I think. maybe 6. wait and see, kay?_

_SinnerxXxAmongxXxThexXxSaints- I'm really happy you like it. I like it too. :-)_

_Amenti- you know, that's a good point. I didn't think about that. an excuse would be that he was a brat the years befo, and wasn't listning to madam Pomfrey or anyone ellse who tried to teach him anything. bad excuse, but still. oh well. _

_darkHPfan411- I menat it to be sad, i'm happy it worked out. this wasn't very sad though, was it? just... a beggining, sort of._

_Rylie D- fourth chapter, coming up! hope I didn't disappoint you. again, I agree with the Sirius being first to notice. **he is just hyper with excitment at going back to Hogwarts in this chapter. **he'll get better, don't worry._

_hpisthegreatest- i like your penname :-) . this wasn't sad, I'm sorry, but it's hogwarts. couldn't really make it too sad, now could I? next one (like I said) will have more secret action, and hopefully wont be as... unsad as this is._

_Lexy Granger-here's the update. I'm very gald ou liked it, and am hoping this meets expectations. you people put so much pressure on me. ;-) chapter after the next has Lily's POV, then later Sirius's, although it's not journal format. stick around to check it out, kay?_

**_like I said to some of the reviewers, Sirius will not remaiin this insane for long, he is just excited about being with his friends in Hgwarts after two months away. and he's hyper because of too much chocolate. he has been living alone for a while, you wouldn't expect him to buy vegetables, right? _**

**_next chapter has more l/J action in it. hopefully you gus will like it. _**


	5. Chapter 5

Dear journal.

I am done with Lily Evans.

I'm serious. I do realize I told my friends that over and over through the years, but now I mean it. I don't want to talk to her again in my life.

Of course, that's not possible, because we are supposed to work together this year, but I can make it work. From now on, Ms. Lily, we are all professional. You don't want to go out with me? Fine. No problem. Your lose. I didn't even ask you yet, and, if you want to know, I wasn't planning to. Already said it, but I'll say it again. I'm done stalking you.

And you know what's the most frustrating thing? I really didn't ask her out. I really didn't.

This year is just not working right. The teachers are all over Sirius and me, telling us they won't tolerate any more games this year, and that we should concentrate on N.E.W.T.s, not pranking. We didn't even pull the first prank of the year yet. During lunch all chances that the marauders would forget about the wincing and let my wounds heal by themselves vanished thanks to Evans. We got a mountain of homework to finish (it's the first day of school! Have mercy, people!) by very soon, and I suspect tomorrow will be no different. I finally remembered that I am, in fact, Quidditch captain this year, and I have to either give the 'honorable' statue to Sirius or get ready to get tryouts done to find about 4 new players for the Gryffindor team. And on top of it all, I still didn't have time to go to Madam Pomfrey, and my arm has gone numb.

Busy day, huh?

Ok. Let's start over.

When I woke up this morning Evans has already gone to breakfast. I washed quickly; using the shower instead of the tub, and after inspecting my bloody injuries for new bleedings, dressed and went to the Great Hall, too. The marauders were already there, talking cheerfully. They were holding schedules, comparing them with each other like we do every year.

"Prongs!" screamed Sirius, running to me with such joy as if he didn't see me in seven years. "Mate it was so lonely in the dorm without you! I'm so happy you're alive! Evans came in all moody again and I thought she might have ate your head or something…." With that he scratched my head, raffling my hair with such force that I almost screamed. (My step dad likes hitting on the head. He seems to think it will knock some sense into Me.). no one noticed, though, except maybe that little first year on the front row, but I don't think he'll say anything. (Right?) I grabbed a sit next to Remus with Sirius in front of me, taking my schedule from the top of the pumpkin juice can. First hour- transfigurations. I smiled, this being my favorite subject. Sirius and Remus were in the same class as me, but Peter left transfigurations a long time ago. He had Herbology.

We finished eating quickly, not wanting to get McGonagall angry. I won't get into lessons now- it's just the same as it was last year. A lot of yelling, and warnings about the upcoming N.E.W.T.s. Only difference was that I actually paid attention this year. I could see Sirius and Remus listening, too. During breakfast he told us all about his new flat- he's renting it to some muggle callege (can't remember how to say it.) student during his time in Hogwarts, so it won't be wasted. He told us that he would have to get a good job if he wants to keep it, so he's going to be trying harder then he expected in his N.E.W.T.s. I know the feeling.

We came out of Double Potions smiling. Professor Slughorn has just finished telling us about the new year's plan. It involves a lot of explosive potions. Even Remus likes explosive potions… it's always so funny to make them! Every lesson someone else will leave with missing eyebrows, or scotched hair. That's why I still take potions. Otherwise it's pretty dry.

I was listening to the guys talk about something or other to do with the next full moon, paying little attention. I think they decided to visit Hogsmeade, and try to finish the marauder's map. Sirius has this insane idea we'll finish it this year. Please. We're barley halfway done. All of Hogwarts is finished, but we wanted to get Hogsmeade in there, too, and it's really hard, us not really able to reach everywhere, like we can in Hogwarts. I think we'll have to find some free time after school is over. It's the only way we'll ever finish.

Anyway.

As we entered the Great Hall, I spotted Evans sitting with her friends near the middle of the table. I lead the others there, hoping to talk to her about that meeting we were supposed to have that Saturday. Dumbledore didn't say what hour, or where exactly, and I really wanted to tell her about the Halloween party I thought about. Halloween isn't so far away, you know. Only a few months, and preparations must be made.

"Hi Evans!" I called, sitting in front of her. My fellow marauders waved for me to come over to where they were already sited, on the far side of the Hall, opposite to the staff table. I waved back, reassuring them that I'd join them shortly.

I looked back at Evans, who never acknowledged the fact that I'm there. Thinking I probably didn't hear her greeting, I ignored it and went right on talking.

"So I was wondering, maybe on Saturday we'll meet in the-"

"No."

I stared at her blankly wondering what was wrong _now_.

"But I thought-"

"For the millionth time, Potter, _no_."

Wow. Talk about exaggerating. She only said it once, last time I checked.

"Err… but Dumbledore said-"

"Dumbledore has nothing to do with it! The fact the you're now head boy does not mean I changed my mind!" She looked straight at me, angry and annoyed. Finally, I realized what's going on.

"Oh! You think I'm-"

She put her fork down, stopping my relived, joking chatter. The whole table was looking at us now. The whole _Hall_ was looking at us now. Including the marauders.

"When will you get over yourself?" she demanded, standing up, her hand still clutching the fork with irritation. "I. Will. Not. Go. Out. With. You!!!" she screamed, which was really frustrating, since I was sitting right there. I looked at her with shock, before opening my mouth to tell her- rather coldly, considering she just yelled at me, _again_, in front of the whole school- that I wasn't asking her out. But then, I heard sniggering coming from the Slytherin table.

Snape.

I hate that guy. With his greasy hair and dark attitude he makes the perfect Slytherin. And let me tell you, I don't do Slytherins. Except Professor Slughorn, but he's an exception.

I raised my wand threateningly waving it for him to see, letting him know there will be no mocking James Potter. I wasn't going to _use_ it, I swear! I already decided in the summer that I'm not going to chase Slytherins this year. And I didn't want to get in trouble with my 'dad'. But I guess I was too good of an actor.

"Reducto!" Evans yelled from behind me.

That spell originally calls to smash things. Did she want to smash me? My egotism? My pride? She succeeded in all.

I was thrown to the wall, which was a good few yards away, in the force of… a hurricane. I hit it with my back- and, let me tell you- it _**hurt**_. I consider myself an expert on the "pain" concept after this last summer, and, bloody hell, did that hurt. I yelled when I hit it- loudly.

There was silence in the Great Hall.

I stared at her.

"That's exactly why, Potter!" she screamed at me, her hair escaping the tight ponytail from the force of that spell.

There was such an unusual silence. You won't find such a large group of people so quite in all of England. It seemed like no one was breathing. Especially me, while my head was spinning with pain that just won't leave.

Finally, someone moved. Sirius hurried towards me, the marauders right behind him. He helped me up, grabbing my hand and pushing me back to my legs. He petted me a little on the back, showing his support. I think.

"I wasn't asking you out," I said quietly. My back was screaming with pain. My voice was cracked. But everyone heard. Everyone could tell what I was saying. "I was going to ask you what hour you want to meet with me for the heads meeting Saturday and where, so we can talk about some ideas I had."

She looked at me. The student body, and the teachers, moved their gaze from me to her simultaneously. You could almost feel the tension building.

Suddenly, Sirius yelped.

He had his hand on my back the whole time, holding me up, since I was just about ready to fall. Now he lifted it off, staring at it with shock and terror.

Everyone looked at him.

His hand was covered in blood.

I didn't check my back. I knew it came from one of my many wounds. I couldn't think. My secret. It was about to be discovered. I managed to keep it barely one day, and already it will be discovered!

I ran. I didn't know where, I just started running. I passed the heads room, the staff table, and the stairs to the kitchen and Hufflepuff common room, on my way to- somewhere. I skipped the stairs- up and up- going nowhere. I heard running behind me, and made a sudden turn, finding myself in a short cut leading to the astronomy tower. I had no intentions of going there, so I quickly opened a broom closet door, hurrying to lock it behind me.

Sadly, Sirius has taken the marauders map as reference to their plans earlier, and how no trouble finding me.

"Prongs open up!"

"No!"

"Where did that blood come form?!"

"Go away!"

"Mate, if you don't open this door-"

"I said go away, Sirius!"

Remus and Peter caught up with us, and were now helping Sirius push the door open. I used all my strength- not a lot, by the way- to try and not let them in. I don't know what I was thinking- of course they would get it open in a few moments! - But I couldn't let them see it. The blood. The injuries. I can't stand people pitying me, and although the others are great, we do in fact feel sorry for each other every once in a while.

"James Potter, if you don't open this door this second it won't be standing for long!" called Remus. I knew he'd do it, but still I held on to the hope that he won't.

"One! " He called.

"Two!" said Sirius.

"Alright already!" I called. They paused, waiting for me to open the bloody door.

I looked at my still blood covered back and robes. Crap.

I opened the door tentatively, only a crack. But my overprotective friends threw it open, going in without a word, closing the door firmly behind them.

Four seventeen-year-old guys, together in a broom closet.

Awkward.

"Explain this, please." Demanded Sirius, putting his hand out to the slight light coming out of a lantern above us. It was covered with a disgusting, sick red liquid. I knew it all too well.

I didn't know what to say. So I kept quit, not meeting their eyes.

"That's blood," mentioned Remus. No way!

Still, saying nothing, I looked at a little piece of paper near me foot.

"Do you remember what it says in the marauder code book, section 1, rule 1? " asked Sirius. I almost snored. Of course I remembered. I _wrote _it. Rule number one of the marauders-

" 'No secrets,' " said Peter. We wrote it after we found out about Remus's furry little problem. It was the most important rule of the marauders, and was only broken once, by Peter. But since he didn't actually _lie_ about it; we let it pass for him.

Right then, I was definitely lying.

"Prongs," started Sirius very patiently. "Do you want to stop being a marauder?"

I was tempted to punch him. But the bloody hand was still up near his face, making me sick.

"Of course not!" I said instead.

"Then tell us." Remus was looking at me very seriously. "What's going on?"

I looked at the floor. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

My eyes fall on the marauder map, still open in Sirius's hand.

"Can I have that?" I asked, seemingly about too tell them my secret. Seemingly.

Suspiciously, Sirius handed it over, placing the blood-covered hand back down. Thank Merlin.

"Well," I said, opening the map. They looked down to it expectedly. "The thing is…." I moved closer to the door, making the light reach the map's surface better. With my leg, I started opening it. I also took out my wand, whispering "_Lumos"_ to it. The map was now fully visible. "Last night, I was walking to the-" in a sudden movement none of them saw coming, I opened the door wide, got out, and locked it with a silent charm, using my still shinning wand. It'll take them a while to figure out which locking charm I used- there are so many. Then I started running (again) headed to the Heads Room, still able to hear their shocked yells and spell casting.

When I reached the entrance to the common room I shared with Evans, they were already running behind me. Talk about deja vu. I made sure to whisper the password, having not yet told it to them. It's "TV", which is supposed to be some popular muggle device. Evans said no one would guess it. She was right. I can still hear my friends yelling passwords at the girl portrait leading into the heads room. So far the weirdest were 'banana' and 'the marauders are hot'. I'm disturbed to realize they thought Evans thought that. Or even worst- ME!

Evans.

Back to you, then.

It's all her fault.

I mean- seriously! You'd think such a 'responsible' person would know better! And she dares question _my_ head boy position! What about her?! She seems very comfortable casting spells at other students!

Like I said. I am not talking to her ever again. It's her fault the marauders are now trying to find what I'm hiding. And trust me- when these guys want something, they get it. I'm one of them, I'd know. It'll be a matter of hours before they' find a way in here, and then I'd have to face them. Maybe I should think of excuses. I want to hit my head on the wall right now. Why the hell did I run in the first place? If I would have stayed in Great Hall, I could have blamed it all on Evans, saying her spell did it or something. The blood on Sirius's hand would be good evidence, I think.

No. I would have never done that. If I would have, they would have expelled her. I'm not that evil, even if she thinks I am.

All right. I'm going to put a spell on my room's door, so that it won't open until I say "ok", in my own voice, letting the people outside in. That way even if they make it inside, they won't be able to reach me. That'll give me time to think of an excuse. I should start that, anyway.

The time is 3:43. We're missing classes. Oh well.

Off to thinking, then.

_**Personally, I like this chapter. all I need to do now is think of an excuse for him. that'll be a chore.**_

_**thankyou all of you who reviewed:**_

_hpisthegreatest- you're absulotly right about the cheerful/dark. i have the same problem. If you find anything else that's angsty- please tell me. i'd love to know. ;-)_

_Amenti- thanks, but I'm not really that good. check out some people (some) in my favourites. they're really amazing._

_Rylie D- yeah, Sirius is hyper- but I hope in this chapter he was a little more siriouse. with the blood and everything. and the concern- you know. two chapters from now it's even better. Hopefully._

_Stag-star- first chpater reviewer. Hi! hopefully you liked the last couple of chapters?_

_JetGriffins89-the next update is here. you can stop waiting now. :-) I think James is much more suitable to be abused then Lily. he's the one that actually needs some sense knocked into him._

_Moony07- sorry about typos etc. big problem with these._

_Lexy Granger-Lily's POV is next chapter- and it's short and not realy good. hopefully, it will expalin why she was such a brat in this chapter._

_SinnerxXxAmongxXxThexXxSaints - he will get helped by Lily. but first there'll be a hell of a mess between the two of them. it's not going to be easy to make him like her again._

_Blaquebuddafly -I decided that not all of the story will my journal format. the next two or three chapter will not be James POV- sorry! he's the main charater, though. i'll try not to change that._

_warm summer days- Lily does have issues! check out the next chapter, you'll see..._

_darkHPfan411-Here's the update._

_lightdragon1987-It made sense. you give real good advice :-) . Angsty is hard to write. it's frustrating.so this story won't be a 100 angst._

_Soaring throught the sky- another first chapter reviewer! didn't i see you in the other story- first year at hogwarts? does this mean you actualy went to my profile???_

**_that's about it. 11 reviews. wow. thanks, everyone!_**

**_again, next xhapter is short and not very good. but it's necessary so you won't think Lily's a brat. _**


	6. Chapter 6

**_From the Thoughts of Lily Evans… _**

_A detention. _

_She gave me a **detention**. _

_I cannot believe she gave me a detention._

_I don't get detentions. I just don't. It's not a thing you'd expect me to get. I don't **do** detentions. _

_Aly says I deserve it. Screw Aly! What does she know? It's not my fault he started bleeding. The '**Reducto' **charm **doesn't** make you bleed. I would know, with the grades I get in charms class. It smashes things. Bloody Potter must have already been bleeding form before. Or maybe it wasn't even blood. I bet Black just had some red ink on his hand, so I'd get in trouble._

_Of course. I should have seen that immediately._

_Then why the bloody hell did Professor McGonagall give me a detention???_

_Life is so unfair._

_So SO SOOOO unfair._

_Here she is right now. Looking at me. She looks mad. Why is she mad? What did I do now?_

"Mrs. Evans."

"Professor."

"Do you by any chance know where the marauders are?"

_You have got to be kidding. _

_One tiny spell, and now I'm a national criminal._

"Why would I know that, Professor?" _Hopefully she won't notice my irritation with her. As if I'll ever know where the marauders are!_

"Do you?"

"No!"

"Very well, Mrs. Evans. Run along now."

_Run along._

_She thinks I'm a five year old, doesn't she? _

_When I find Potter, he's going to be SOOOO dead…_

_Unless, of course, he already died from all the blood loss._

_I need a break. Thank God classes are over for today. I'll just go to my room for some rest before I start homework…_

_XXX_

_Are these the marauders?_

_XXX_

_Agh!!! how dare they! _

_They say it's **my** fault! little gits! **My** fault! yeah right! And now they expect me to let them in! _

_XXX_

_Man whatever. Here. Door's wide open for you._

_I'm getting some coffee. My head hurts like hell._

_XXX_

_OK. Now off to my rest._

_I can't believe he got title Head Boy. I can't believe it._

_That's probably why I cursed him. Because he got that title. I can't believe he got it. I don't want him as my partner. I want someone who'll actually **help** me, not plan pranks on innocent people!_

_I'm getting another coffee._

_XXX_

_Black is yelling at his door._

_Why is Black yelling at his door?_

_See? This is exactly what I meant. No peace with a marauder as a dorm-mate. They'll have wild parties in here- I can see it now. This will become the new marauders head quarters. I can't handle it. I can't! I'm going to tell Dumbledore I quit unless Potter is taken away. I can't. I can't deal with this now- not on my N.E.W.T.s year!_

_XXX_

_Was that a spell?_

_Oh my God, that was a spell. _

_They're having a duel outside. Oh, help me God, please! What if they break the door? What if they break the entrance, and then we'll all be stuck here???_

_I need another coffee. But I can't get it, just like I couldn't go to Dumbledore, because those lunatics outside are having a parade of magic!!!_

_This year is all wrong. This year is **all wrong.**_

_I'm so freaking terrified. Things are just happening too fast. **I need some coffee!**_

_xxx_

_Am I using coffee to get away from my problems?_

_xxx_

_Oh dear. I think I am._

_Crap. Now I'm one of those people who need mental help. I cannot believe this._

_Ok. Ok. Relax. Lets see. I'll just get over everything. Organization is the key. I'll organize my thoughts, my fears, an_d_ then I'll stop drinking coffee to try to forget what's going on around me._

_Ok. _

_So._

_1.) It is N.E.W.T.s year. And if I ever want to become a healer, I have to get excellent marks. Perfect grades. And I'm already on the Professor's bad side- especially Professor McGonagall. And if I don't get all Os this year, I will never succeed in the wizarding world! I have to get the marks to live! Or I'll have to go back to the muggles and I never even learned in 6th grade! I don't even remember how to use algebra and why! I'll become a garbage lady and will live off my husband for the rest of my life an-_

_Ok. Relaxing. Relax. Ok. Moving on._

_2.) Petunia is getting married to that Dursly guy. And if I don't make peace with her soon she'll move out and I'll never get a chance to befriend her again. We'll grow old hating each other forever, and she'll teach her kids to hate me and to not believe in magic and everything and I will never see her or my little nieces and nephews! And I'll never ever be able to-_

_I'm relaxed. No panic here._

_3.) James Potter is the bloody Head Boy. Not Remus. Not anyone from Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff or anyone who actually deserves the title. James Bloody Potter got it. And I know what's going to happen next- you'll see, he will leave all the work to me. Alone I'll have to arrange all the perfect meetings and the Hogsmeade trips and between that and Homework and extra work I'll never be able to make those parties and things and I'll forever be remembered as the mudblood who was the worst Head Girl ever and no one will give me a job! And all the Professors will hate me and fail me on purpose and so will the N.E.W.T.s tester and Aly and Coral and everyone! _

_Wow. I didn't realize I was so pressured…_

_No wonder I cursed Potter! I just have so much to deal with now. I can't handle it **and** his stalking. We're going to have to talk, or I'm going to have to talk and make him listen. Yeah, one civilized talk. That's what I need. To make it clear to him that I can't, I won't, and he shouldn't even try, because I **will** snap at him. And it **will **hurt._

_All right. I feel so much better now. I can't see how I could have bottled it all inside for so long. I'll go spill my guts to Aly and Coral in the morning. Or now, rather. Aly seems to be a mad at me. And no wonder- after the way I acted this summer. And Coral is always so understanding… she always makes me feel good after I talk to her. It's as if she sees everything black and white- just the way it is, with no lies or anything. Like everything's obvious. She'll know what to do about Petunia, and Potter, and the tests. She always does. So does Aly. We'll get through it together. Like we always do. _

_I better put all those coffee mugs away. I think they quit with the spells for now. Thank God. They really had me scared there, although they were probably still trying to open Potter's door._

_Oh good. They're in his room. I hope they're figuring things out. They seemed so terrified when I saw them earlier. Maybe Potter really did get hurt with that curse… Well, it was his fault. He shouldn't have been threatening Snape like that. _

_I wonder how our dorm looks like without my bed… it's probably a lot different then last year, with so much more space. Does Coral have enough space for her stone collection now? I hope so. Her stones are so beautiful…_

_Why are they yelling? _

Lily Evans exited, the portrait closing behind her before she could see what all the yelling was about. Shrugging, she left to find her friends in the Gryffindor common room.

_**I don't really like this new only-Lily-format, but it helps explain why Lily did what she did last chapter. She was just so pressured and confused and frustrated. Now she's better. I hope everyone can see that. **_

_**I was wondering if you people have any ideas for other formats for the other characters. I can't use 'journal ' for them all; that will be weird. Next Chapter is Sirius's POV… any ideas? **_

_**Thanks to all the amazing reviewers: **_

_hpisthegreatest-you're welcome. I liked that chapter too. :-P _

_blaquebuddafly- Lily will have a lot of bad things happening to her. Mostly emotional, but James isn't gonna_ _prank her or anything... the marauders might... ;-) _

_SinnerxXxAmongxXxThexXxSaints- good. Exactly the reaction I was going for! Thank you! _

_james-s2-lily- thanks for the idea, and I suppose it will happen eventually. Maybe. Hamm... interesting thought... _

_lightdragon1987- like I told you before- that exactly was the plan. You'll see more of it next chapter, though- Sirius's POV. i hope this chapter didn't disappoint you. _

_stag-star- yes! and here's your name again! lol:-P and this is the next update... enjoyed? _

_Lexy Granger- did this answer why Lily was a brat? I hope so... _

_Tansiana- I hope this was a good enough update... _

_stag-star- I think this review was late or something... thanks for reviewing... again... ;-) _

_minathia- A red head she remains- no? I hope this showed another part of her. This fic isn't anti-Lily, guys! _

_JetGriffins89- Lily won't stay mean forever. She'll be absolutely wicked in Christmas, but there's a long time till that, and she'll have good reason! (Forget I said anything.) _

_**That's it. Again, thank you so much everyone, you are amazing. Next chapter- once I get inspired- will be out by Friday, I think. Then again, I still didn't decide on Sirius-format. Still thinking about it. **_


	7. Chapter 7

"Banana!!!"

"Padfoot, you're being ridicules."

"Yeah, no one will use _that _as a password!"

"You be quit, Wormtail- at least I'm trying!"

Sirius looked at the stubborn portrait with eyes that shoot fire. This was what kept him from finding out what's wrong with his best friend. A picture. A stupid picture. And what was worst- she was laughing at the great effort he, Remus and Peter were putting into trying to figure out the password, with what seemed like _flirtation_.

"Nope," -giggle- "try again!" –giggle.

Merlin.

"Err… Open Sashimi!"

Sirius noticed Remus shake his head helplessly, petting the poor Peter sympathetically.

Rolling his eyes, the disowned Black confronted the picture again. She was smiling at him, waving her hand.

Ugh.

"Gryffindor?" he asked hopefully. The portrait laughed, shaking her head no.

Letting out an annoyed sign, Sirius stared at her with a look that could kill. She laughed again, and started dancing around the dance room background.

"Can I help you?" said a vexed voice from behind them. Sirius turned to see Lily Evans coming towards them with quick pace and precision. Her backpack was jumping around behind her, some books and notes were held loosely in her hands, and her flaming hair was coming out of her usually tight ponytail. All added to her overall don't-mess-with-me-I'll-bite-you look. Peter flinched.

"We need to get inside," stated Sirius coldly. So. The princess of blood finally appears.

"Well that's just great," she said with equal negativity. "But this just happens to be the Heads dorm, and none of you-" her angry eyes flickered on Remus "-is Head Boy this year. " Remus blushed. Sirius exploded.

"Listen, Evans, if you don't want me to turn your legs into jelly- and you deserve it, after what you did, you little git! - Then you _will_ tell us the password _right now_ so we can go to James and kick his ass for making us run all over this freaking school following a trail of blood that's still pouring from his-" he started, his cheeks flashed with anger.

"What I did?! Are you kidding?? I didn't do anything! The reducto doesn't cut through skin! It smashes and pushes things! I don't know what's wrong with your idiotic friend, but-"

"Wrong with him?!! Nothing is wrong with him except his unwarranted obsession of you!"

"Unwarranted? Big word for you, Black. I was sure your vocabulary ended with 'dada'."

"Well, Evans, there are a lot of things you don't know about me, or James, or Remus or Peter!"

"Like what?"

Sirius opened is mouth to replay, but closed it immediately. He looked at his wide eyes friends apologetically.

"None of your business. Now open the bloody door!"

"No!"

"Fine! Then we'll just stand here until you do. "

She glared at him.

Stubbornly he crossed his hands, leaning on the wall next to the portrait, who immediately giggled, coming closer.

Huffing loathly, Evans gave each of them one last glower before getting the portrait attention with an irritated wave of her hand.

"TV," she stated, her voice showing how angry and annoyed she was. Satisfied, Sirius leaped through the now opened entrance, Remus and Peter right behind him.

"Prongs!" he yelled, ignoring Evans, who was already on her way to her own room, rolling her eyes. Sirius banged on the door labeled 'Potter' fiercely. "Open up!"

There was no answer, and the door turned out to be locked. Sirius almost screamed with frustration and disappointment. "James Potter! Open the bloody door!!!"

Still, James said nothing. Sirius banged at the door again, hard enough to knock someone unconscious. "Come one mate! We just- " bang "- want- " bang "- to talk!"- Loudest bang, and a crack of the door.

When no reaction came Sirius looked back a his friends helplessly, and saw Evans hurrying back to her room with a mug of something hot in her hand, looking at him with concern. He scowled at her. It was all her fault.

"Prongs!" he yelled, turnning back to the door.

"Padfoot, get out of the way," said Remus, getting out his wand. Nodding encouragingly, Sirius moved away from the wooden door.

"_Alohomora_!"

Funny. Like that would work.

Sirius stared at Remus disapprovingly. He didn't give James enough credit. Prongs was the leader of the marauders. If he wanted to lock a room, he will lock it with something that won't be possible to open that easily.

After a few other ridiculously predictable spells, Sirius pushed Remus aside angrily.

"**_Merlin_**!" he mouthed, getting out his own wand.

"_Diffindo_!" he called.

"stop that!" came James's angry voic form inside. A large mark was left on the oak door where the spell hit. Sirius smiled.

"Let us in!"

"No!"

"_Diffi_-"

"Alright! Ok already, ok!"

There was a loud click as the lock opened. Peter looked flabbergasted. "Ok? That's all we had to say? OK???"

Rolling his eyes, Sirius rushed to the door and opened it forcefully.

_**That was horrible. I know. And short. Next chapter we'll be back to the good old journal- thank God. This was supposed to have the talk with James, but I think I'll do it better in journal format. And now James'll be there, so that'd work. **_

_**Thank you lightdragon1987 for suggesting this format. I think I messed it up, hopefully it will get better with time.**_

_**And on to the amazing reviewers:**_

Lexy granger- last chapter explained it? Thank God. I was worried. this format was third person. sadly, I'm forced to have quit a bit of that in htis fic. I'll try to make as much journal as I can, though.

James-s2-Lily- Thankyou! here's the update.

Siriusly Padfoor101- wow. how energetic... thankyou! I wasn't sure anyone would like it at all...

Tansiana-again, I'm surprised you liked it... thanks. hopefully this was a... good Sirius format.

SinnerxXxAmongxXxThexXxSaints -I agree absulotly. I like the James POV so much better.

lightdragon1987-thankyou, again, for the advise. you were the only one that did. frowning disapprovingly at everyone else I usualy write third perosn, but this being a sort of filler chapter didn't help me show it, did it?

warm summer days- so absulotly true. who do you think will become that? (hint)

hpisthegreatest- Sirius will act a lot more siriously next chapter, in the actual 'talk'. he acted a little siriouse this chapter (hopefully). but Lily has her own friends to comfort her... (extra info of Aly/Coral might be found in my other fic, First Year at Hogwarts, Lily and James)

Becky- I'm glad you liked it. the guys will find out eventualy. full moon's coming up. if that seemed random, think about it for a sec.

The Next Marauder- love the penname! anyway, next chapter is gonna be somewhat... emotional... probably. shows a little more of James's reaction to his ew, twisted life.

futurePOTUS- they can't beat a grown man up! not with the authorities on his side! (he is James's legal father.) and James still has a mother in that house. he is only angry at her, he doesn't hate her or anything.

kluvhp-you liked his reaction? you're the only oe that mentioned it. well thankyou! I know I have typos... I can't help it. :-(

**_Thank you all, you're great!_**

**_Next Cahpter will be out next Friday. TGIF to all. _**


	8. Chapter 8

Dear journal.

I am disgusted with myself.

I, James Potter, not only have gone where no marauder should ever go- I also lied about it.

I am ashamed and disgusted.

No one should talk about their very personal feeling and emotions publicly. It's not done. It's just… wrong. It feels bad. Why should we be encouraged to do something that feels bad? And by or own friends???

Well I hope they're happy. I really hope they're happy. Because I'm definitely not.

When Evans told them the password I thought I was going to die. I still had no clue to any sort of an excuse. I mean- how do you explain a bleeding wound on your back that you grew after getting beat up by your infamous father? He's known to donate money to all kinds of 'humble' causes- they'd never buy that! And if they will- what are they gonna do? Go to the authorities? The ministry won't raise a finger, with all the money they got from him. Money that belonged to all his ex wives, might I add. And if you got the idea that he's only physically built, you're dead wrong. I have a lot of evidence on my body of some amazing wand work.

Isn't that just great?

And I know my friends. If I told them the truth, and they believed me, they would go straight to fight him. And that's exactly what I need now. Three dead friends.

So I lied. Well, first I tried to think of an excuse, while they banged on the door, yelled at the door, and sent some idiotic curses on it. Remus is too self-controlled. _Alohomora_? Seriously!

But then, of course, Sirius threatened to knock down my door. That little prat. Like I need Evans looking at my private activities (undressing) because my door is none existent!

So I said the magic words (no, not really a spell!) to open the door, and they burst inside.

So here I was, standing at the middle of the room, hands behind back, lifting my weight from feet to feet, looking completely and doubtlessly guilty. And still having no idea what the hell to bloody tell them.

"Prongs."

"Moony."

My werewolf friend was looking really awkward. It might have something to do with my blood covered white shirt. (Who in their right mind wears white shirts for the first day of school???)

Sirius, on the other hand (being the impossible to embarrass, stubborn, over protective brat that he is) was looking at me with an accusing look that seemed to read my mind. I found myself wanting really badly to turn my look away.

Of course I didn't. I returned his look. I'm just as stubborn, impossible to embarrass, and over protective as he is.

He broke our very productive staring contest (it gave me more time to desperately look for inspiration. Too bad it didn't help) with these exact words:

"What the hell's wrong with you?

Did I expect that?

No.

Did I deserve that?

Hell yes.

I stared at him blankly, blinking my way to total humiliation. Did I say I couldn't be embarrassed? That was a lie. Another lie to add to my long, long list of lies.

(Well, really, the only people that can embarrass me are the marauders, but that's beside the point.)

"We have been running after you all over this overly sized school after you so wisely run out of the Great Hall _with everyone watching,_ hid in a _broom closet_, and run out of it _locking us in_, just so we won't find out _why you were bleeding_, and breaking just about every single of the rules Remus worked so hard to write in the marauder code book! Rules that actually _matter_ to our cause! To our friendship! What the hell were you trying to do???"

Talk about pressure.

In that point, I'm ashamed to admit, I couldn't say anything. I mean… I didn't start mumbling things that no one could understand- I just stood there with my mouth open and no words coming out. I wanted to say something… give some sort of agreeable explanation. I only needed one out of the thousands that jumped around in my head. But there was this frustrating knot in my neck- and I mean there was seriously a knot there!!- and I didn't say a thing.

Meanwhile, while I was having problems functioning my speech organs, (it's a muggle thing.) Remus was getting all worked out, too.

"You know, he's right!" he said, looking at me with that weird look, as if he was a disappointed parent. "You were the one that decided on that stupid code book, and yeah, I think it was a great idea to make sure we had rules and regulations- "he makes it seem so dry!- "in our group, but you need to stand by them, also! You made all of us tell our secrets- it's only fair that-" bla, bla… I think Remus's great and all, but, homestly! Sometimes he reminds me of my dad!

Crap.

Yeah. You know, that's exactly what I though then. That he sounds like my dad. My real dad, mind you- the one that died this summer.

Yeah.

That one.

I turned my head away from them, because a horror was happening- a horror that didn't happen since first year.

It was this weird, unpleasant sensation in the back of my eyes.

No, not tears! I'm a guy. We don't cry and I don't care what everyone says- especially not a marauder.

It was just a weird sensation. No water or anything, just a feeling.

"- Are you even listing?" demanded Remus. I could feel his eyes digging holes in the back of my head, and I knew he was really mad now. Trust me, you do not want to be in the same room as Remus Lupin when he's mad. Or Sirius- when they get mad, which doesn't happen often, they just- blow up. I swear.

"Prongs?! Prongs! Pro-"

"Moony?"

"What!?"

"Shut up."

I hate when he does that.

I mean Sirius. First he acts all mad and all, and then he comes out realizing what's happening first. And I know a lot of people here think he's pretty stupid, but they just don't know him. He's acting; he can be as serious as he wants. But he usually doesn't want to.

"It's your dad."

See what I mean??? Does he study Legilimency behind our back or something???

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. It was about my dad, namely my step dad, but they didn't have to know that.

"I thought you were over that."

Oh. So _now_ he's all nice and sympathetic and un-teacher-like. Remus has two personalities. I'm not yet sure which I like better, and I've been sharing a dorm with him for 6 years.

"You knew it would happen. He was sick for months." Peter contributes very little to most discussions. But… what can I say? He has this way with words.

And yet, right then he said something completely unnecessary. I _am_ over his death. It has been two months, and he was sick for 5, in critical condition for the last. We all knew he would die. No one was surprised- no one had any foolish hope that he would live.

"I didn't know that. The healers kept saying he was doing better- he _was _doing better, and then…" I snapped at him, the trailed off with nothing to say.

Ok. No one had any foolish hope except one person.

I chanced a look at their faces. _CrapCrapCrap. _They were looking all sorry for me. Did I ever mention how I absolutely _despise _that??

I looked away again. I guess I made some sort of noise, because Remus was coming over to put a hand on my shoulder. I bet my face was as red as a Quaffle. Refusing to look at his face and see that frustrating sympathy in his eyes, I stubbornly stared at his hand.

What? I'm a Potter. We don't like Sympathy. It's in my blood.

"Mate, you said you were ok with it when we talked," Remus said. I wanted to bang my head on something really solid, for getting my self in that humiliating situation. But what could I possibly do to get out???

"So where's that blood from?"

Thank you, Peter. Thank you so much. Away from that horrible, unrelated subject…

There was silence as they waited a reaction I absolutely refused to give.

Suddenly Sirius spoke.

"You did that to yourself??!!"

_HUH??_

How stupid did they think I am? Trying ot commit suicide? Is that what they were accusing me of???!!!!!!

My face was completely blank, and I still wasn't looking at them, so they couldn't see the shook and disbelieve I was transporting.

"Prongs!" gasped Remus, as I didn't answer, letting go of my shoulder. "Are you insane?!"

_Me_? **_I'm_** insane? No! You are, for thinking such an… unthinkable thought!!!

I didn't have a chance to say that, because Sirius and Peter were coming closer.

I think by that point my face was Weasley red. Which is saying something.

"Let us see," demanded Sirius.

"No!"

Ok, where did the bloody knot go??? It was doing such a great job!! Now I'll be forced to actually answer them!

"You did!"

Wow. Peter can be really slow sometimes.

"Look, I was-"

I didn't know what exactly to fill the rest of the sentence with. Another lie? Obviously. Which one?

"I was just… upset. Really upset. And I felt really… guilty, I guess. I wanted to see what it felt like. Pain, I mean."

That was sounding very convincing.

Way too convincing.

You know why?

'Cause it was no lie.

_**That was fairly long.**_

_**I got a comment about cliffhangers. You don't like them? Why? I think they're great. So here's another one for you. LOL.**_

_**This is actually the end of the entry, believe it or not. The marauders weren't the only people who saw blood. **_

_**My reviewers: **_

_Blaquebuddafy-Mahahahah... a cliffie! I hope you don't mind too much, it just fit in so perfectly! I swear, I'll try to get the next chapter in by... Wednesday. Or Tuesday. Instead of Friday. Kay? _

_Lexy Granger- I love Fridays. So bloody amazing. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the characters and the story and everything else. It's good to have people support and encourage you. That's great motivation. _

_James-s2-lily- this was a little longer- I hope it's ok. _

_Tansiana- that is exactly what my self-augment is! James format- but other POVs also. Thanks, for all the compliments and everything. Like I said, motivation is a good thing... _

_librastar-he didn't tell them yet, but he will. or rather, they'll find out. Well, I didn't decide yet. We'll see. _

_Stag-star- I like James POV better, too. Next chapter is like that, also, so don't worry. If I told you that, it_ _won't be a secret... no? LOL _

_hpisthegreatest- I agree. It was necessary and I enjoyed writing it. I'm glad you liked reading it. _

_SinnerxXxAmongxXxThexXxSaints - thanks! Here's the update, lol... _

_Lightdragon1987-are you like my advisor now? Do you want a special statue?:-)(That would be a compliment, LOL) Ok, advisor dragon- as always, your advice has been most productive. I do in fact enjoy writing journal entries, so I guess I'll continue with them, but third person will include everyone except James and Lily. I hope everyone is ok with that? Thanks for the advise- again. _

_Beck- thanks you! I update every week, or try to. Like I said, this next week I'll update sooner. I know it was short, but it was very necessary. _

_**You are all great. **_

_**Notices- next chapter will probably be out before Friday, but I'm making no promises. **_

_**After next chapter, which is also journal format, there is a chapter that is either third person as one of Lily's friends, or the thought format of Lily herself. Objections or suggestion of this are welcomed.**_


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Journal.

Sorry I stopped so… suddenly before. McGonagall was knocking at the door, demanding I open. She wanted to make sure I was ok. Nice. The marauders already left by then, and I changed a shirt. I told her it was a prank, pretended to listen to her really long lecture, and accepted the detention without a word. She was looking at me with great irritation. Good for her.

Now don't you look at me like that. I didn't get the marauders in trouble- I said I pranked them, too. She looked at me strangely after that, so I told her we had a disagreement.

Which was kind-of-sort-of true.

But we're over it now.

I hope.

What if they get really mad when they find out I lied?

We don't lie to each other. It's an unwritten law. And that was a pretty big lie.

Or was it?

Let's summerize. About an hour ago I was rudely forced to stop writing by my dear professor. The last thing I wrote was that my lie to the guys was actually the truth.

No, I wasn't exaggerating. I really was upset when my dad died. I was more then upset. I didn't come out of my room for a whole week, and I barely ate anything. All my friends were still at Hogwarts (Dumbledore let me out of school early when it happened.) By the start of summer vacation I was no better. Our house is so big, and it was so… quite. My mom was either in her room, or filling out paper work. I was alone in the great Mansion, with only the house elves to keep me company. And they generally stayed away.

The first time I was out of my room, I went to the kitchen for food. I remember wearing nothing but underwear, having not even bothered to look in the mirror for all that week. I opened some cabinets, and found myself with no appetite what so ever.

I was just so mad! I couldn't accept it. That he was gone. I didn't _want_ to accept it. I wanted to do something, like jump on a broom and fly all the way to Antarctica just to get rid of all that unbearable energy I didn't want to have. At the same time I wanted to lie still and not ever move again, just because he couldn't, either...

Then, I saw the knife.

It was one of those normal knifes house elves use to cut vegetables. A black hand hold, and a very sharp edge.

I looked at it for a while, not moving. Observing. Sunrays reflected from the smooth metal.

When I finally grabbed it, I caught it on the sharp side. I grabbed it and held on as hard as I could. Blood was spilling out of my hand like a river flowing down a really steep hill. I wanted to know how he had felt. How it felt to be in pain. I never felt pain before. Once or twice playing Quidditch, maybe, or after a big fight with Slytherin… but usually I was healed before anything could happen.

You know what?

It didn't' hurt.

There was this little sting my conscious barely felt. it was so frustrating! I wanted to feel pain! I wanted to know how it felt! I wanted to not feel guilty that I was there and he wasn't!!

Later I read about it in some books I took from the library we have in the house. My nerves weren't working properly back then, since my brain was still getting over shook. Or something like that. I don't know- a lot of muggle junk. But I couldn't feel anything after he died for a while.

There was someone who gladly helped me get over that.

Mr. John Laurence.

One beating from him, and everything was well again.

Right.

So, anyway, that's what happened. I didn't really lie to them, I just- didn't tell the truth. Wow. That's the first time that actually made sense. I told them all of that, replacing my hand with my back. They believed me, like all friends do.

I feel so dirty.

I made sure to tell them it was a one-time thing and will never happen again. I apologized for making them run. 'I just couldn't talk about it just yet.'

I feel_ so **dirty.**_

They left, all sympathetic and understanding. And I was humiliated, completely at loss for dignity, and still bloody lying.

Dirty doesn't even begin to cover it.

I'm going to bed now. I'm gonna worry about tomorrow, tomorrow, and go to bed. Maybe they'll forget about it or something.

Right.

_**Ok. Good enough. Short, I realize. Next chapter is again Lily's POV (sorry!) about her talk to Aly and Coral. Or maybe I won't write it down, just her reation… I'm not sure yet. We'll see. **_

_**And for my reviewers:**_

_James-s2-lily- sorry is this was short. Next chapter will probably be longer..._

_Grotesque Supermodel- I hope this helped explain things somewhat... i like confusion. It keeps you people awake, and- what do you know? That's the name of the story! (Kidding. it has nothing to do with that.)_

_blaquebuddafly- thanks. I'm sorry you got punished for what you did... it doesn't seem like enough of a reason, but who am I to say? I'm glad you don't care that much for cliffies. I personally love them, but you know..._

_minathia- sorry if the length others you... I don't really want to make it two entries per chapter, but I'll try making them longer. Maybe I'll make it two POVs per chapter, but I'm not promising anything. Hopefully that's ok._

_stag-star- yes! And here it is again! LOL... you're a funny person. Anyway, he'll tell them, eventually..._

_Lexy Granger- because you what? I think you accidentally sent it too early... three dead friends is not anywhere in the near future, though..._

_SinnerxXxAmongxXxThexXxSaints- err, I'm out of sarcastic comments. ???!!!_

_gryffincri- here's the next chapter! Thanks..._

_hpisthegreatest-yes! a cliff hanger! I love 'em!_

_librastar- thanks. The different POV was meant to do what you said- show both sides of the story. I'm glad its visible..._

_x. by yours truly .x I wish I could! But like I wrote to 'librastar', I need the different POVs. It's important to the story- very important. You'll see in a few chapters. (A lot of chapters, I suspect...) thanks, anyway. It's always nice to get backup for writing. _

_Tansiana-here's the update. I'm very happy you like my writing. It's great motivation._

_Advisor Dragon- if you like it so much, that's your name form now on- in my fic. The writing club explains a lot. Thanks for sharing what you learn... the plot explanation is very helpful. I have one, up to Christmas and a little after. But only of _**_really_**_ significant events..._

_Beck- thanks you. I'm glad you like my characters- I try making them as believable as possible._

**that's it. next chapter might be journal format- one of Lily's friends, not James, or it might not. I didn't decide yet. **


	10. Chapter 10

_From the diaries of Coral Coriona…_

Diary #14

Entry 1

September 3

Dear Diary.

Lily is so sweet.

A lot of people think she's a hot-tempered teacher's pet, but she's not. Well, she is, but only when she wants to. And when she has a really good reason.

When she cursed Potter… it was so out of character, my first reaction was pinching myself. I mean- Lily? _Lily Evans? _Sending a curse at someone? Please. The chances aim too zero.

But everyone saw it. Everyone saw Lily send James Potter flying at a wall. The Great Hall was so silent you could probably hear the great squid splashing in the lake. We were all staring at the two- and suddenly the whole world seemed up side down. Potter, a victim to a spell cast for no visible reason? Lily, not a defender of the weak but the punisher of the not so guilty?

I could right then feel a headache coming up.

And then the blood. And the marauders looking like human beings- serious and- don't let them hear me say it- frightened. I never knew they were more then pranksters. Remus never said anything.

And of course Aly was SO mad. She gets irritated so fast. I think the last time I saw her cry was first year. And that's because she almost drowned. We all know how Aly reacts to water. She sent Lily storming off somewhere, possibly the Heads room; which- by the way, I didn't yet get to see. Once things cool off with James, though, I think I might…

All right. Back to present, then. This is my first diary entry at my seventh year at Hogwarts- the first of many to come, hopefully. This marks the beginning of my fourteenth journal. Time really does fly, doesn't it? I began writing at the beginning of my first year, writing about two journals every year since. Just a note- I am Coral Coriona (like I'd ever forget that) best friends with Lily Evans, school Head Girl, top of her N.E.W.T.s Charms, N.E.W.T.s Potions, and N.E.W.T.s Ancient Runes classes, and way up the list in everything else. Also best friends with Alyson Morla, Chaser of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and also top of most of her classes, only to be beaten by Remus Lupin. The latter, apart from being the only responsible marauder of the group, top of his class in N.E.W.T.s Defense, N.E.W.T.s Transfiguration, N.E.W.T.s Arithmancy, and Muggle Studies, is also my boy friend for the last 2 years. And me? Well, I'm the Gryffindor keeper since second year, which should tell you something about my skills. I'm very good in Herbology, Astronomy, and Care of Magical Creatures. It's been said about me that I look only forward, that I can see things as they are, and nothing else. I don't believe this is true- I daydream a lot, for example, but I think some things are more obvious then most people realize. I guess I have more common sense, or something.

With introductions over, lets get to business. Business being the Evens/Potter situation. What I mentioned before- the blood, the marauders, Lily's curse- that's what happened yesterday at lunch. By dinnertime, the whole school was still talking about it, Aly was practically running over students in the hall, and Lily was nowhere to be found. I sat in the common room looking at the madness with amusement. It's fun seeing other people react in different ways to a situation. I'm like one of those muggle scientists- observing. Hee hee.

Suddenly Lily stormed into the room, looking around franticly. Wait- she didn't storm in, she just walked inside slyly, in that sweet way of hers. It's seemed bigger, because everyone immediately shut up, staring at her. She looked around with embarrassment.

"Lily!" I waved her over. She looked at me gratefully, and hurried to our sits.

"I have a confession to make," she started in a low voice. "Can we go to the dorm and-?"

"No, we can't." stated Aly, still fuming from before. Lily rolled her eyes, and gave me one of her puppy dog looks she's so good at.

"Please? It's about Potter and why I- err… why I cursed him. "

I nodded in satisfaction, having predicated this to happen sooner or later. Lily is just that kind of person. She knows when she needs help, and isn't embarrassed to ask for it.

I stood up, and she did after me. Aly didn't look at either of us, but hurried up with a huff and left towards our dorm. She can hold a grudge, that girl. But she's sensible. Which is good.

"Well?" demanded Aly, staring at Lily from her bed on the other side of the room. "Let's hear it."

Clearing her throat uncomfortably, Lily sat down on my bed, in front of her. "Um, Petunia's getting married."

There was a very long, shocked silence.

"You're joking," said Aly, a huge grin forming in her mouth. "Married? Who would _want_ her?"

_xxx_

_from the journal of James Potter_

Dear journal.

I think it's safe to say that I just broke up with Evans.

Not like the Boy friend/Girl friend thing. I mean… we weren't even friends- not ever. But we did have a relationship, whether she'll admit it or not. And I just ended it. She can jump of a cliff for all I care.

Ignore that last part.

This morning I woke up to a very painful back. It didn't take me long to remember where I got it- Evans. I got out of bed as gently as I could, but was not successful at preventing myself from causing the bleeding to continue where it left off yesterday. _Great._ Now I have another excuse to go to Madam Pomfrey, apart from my broken arm. I think I'll go when I'm done here or something…

Anyway. I got dressed, (putting some bandages on my back, so the blood won't show) and run through possible explanations of the so called 'prank' I pulled to get people to think I was bleeding, so I have something to tell my fellow class mates. I was still working on that when I got to the Great hall, beginning to pile mounds of food onto my plate. The marauders weren't up yet, but quite a few people already filled the sits around me, giving my looks every now and then. I ignored them, (mostly) until three girls came to sit right in front of me.

"Potter."

"Teacher's pet club."

OK. Not an entirely accurate nickname. Out of the group, only Evans is really a teacher's pet. Alyson Morla has more sense then that. She's pretty cool, a chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team (along with yours truly) and although she's also a "good students" that does her homework and studies for test (damn, I forgot I decided to do that this year) she's a real Gryffindor in spirit. Then Coral Coriona… we used to think she was even worst then Evans (my fellow marauders did… I kept standing up to that red head. I was young. And stupid.) But then she started dating Remus in fourth year, and he told us she's not that at all- a great student, true, but still and honest person that will stick up to her friends and is more… courageous then she looks. So technically, only a third of their group is actually a teacher's pet- Evans.

I think I don't have to elaborate on her. I've been writing about nothing but that particular (questionable) Gryffindor for the past couple of days. But just to make sure- she's a childish princess smart ass that likes to show off her so called "intelligence" through constant remainders to every one of the most unnecessary rules of the school, shadowing the teachers like a puppy, and looking down at almost everybody she doesn't like. She is known to tell on people, drink tea with teachers _voluntarily_ and refuse to date James Potter. And on top of that, she dares to say that she is a caring person that gives people second chances, (which she is CLEARLY NOT, having not giving me even ONE chance EVER) and enjoys helping others. Which leads to the conclusion that she is a stinking liar that just happens to be my crush for the last 2 years.

It feels great, getting that off my chest.

But back to breakfast.

" Look, Potter, I just wanted to apology for last night, and verify that we are, in fact, still on for the meeting Saturday. I was thinking around 2 pm, in the library, or maybe the astronomy tower. Or we could do it in our new dorm if you like. I could get a few books we could use form the library down there, we could do some research about past events that we could possibly recreate…" her voice trailed off a she noticed I was ignoring her.

"Potter?"

"Yes, Evans."

"Are you listening?"

"No. I can honestly say that I'm not."

"But… but this is important. You wanted to talk to me about it last night, remember?"

She was obviously confused. She wasn't used to me ignoring her, and not the opposite. Well that's her problem now. If she's as smart as she says, she should be able to bit the master of comebacks.

"No, Evans, I didn't. Not with you. I wanted to talk with Lily Evans- Head Girl, the most responsible and well collected girl in all of Hogwarts, the one that I was supposed to work with on projects and tutor with every Friday morning. But you know what? Turns out she doesn't exist."

I was looking at her now, feeling all my anger at her coming out. She was stammering, but still tried to say something back.

"W-what are you talking about? I'm-"

"Evans, just give it a rest, ok? I don't' know what's your problem- maybe it's my problem- was my problem, that I even considered ever asking you out- but don't worry. I'm over it. Over you. You think I need you for this Head boy thing- I don't. I have my friends to help me out, and way more resources then you'll ever find in the library. I can make all my ideas come to life without your help, starting with the Halloween dance. You can do what ever you want. Bye."

Then I left, leaving her dumbstruck in the middle of the Gryffindor table, her two friends staring at me with equal shock. I guess none of them realized I could put that many sentences to gather at the same time. Or that I could be angry, serious, or insulting towards Evans, which was my crush for the last few years. I couldn't believe it either, but it felt awesome. Especially since I meant everything. I regretted only one thing- never having the chance to finish my breakfast.

"Mate, way to go!" said Sirius, waving his hands around with excitement. "You showed her!"

Remus, as sensible as ever, looked at me pointedly. "So you're ok?"

"Yeah, " I reassured him. "I'm just gonna spend a while in the dorm, that's all. "

As I left them to get their first meal of the day, I could hear people around the hall- that heard what I said – gossiping to each other. They were talking about me, saying I faked it all and was leaving to cry in my room.

Please.

What I actually ended up doing was writing this all down. And I am happy to say that tears are nowhere to be found- definitely pouring out of MY eyes. I'm proud of myself. And I already have a great plan for that Halloween dance. All I need is some little help from a few students I know that are great in decorations and staff, and to get some band to play at a date I'll schedule with Dumbledore, and it's done. All I have to do is wait for Halloween.

And Evans can drown in her precious books if she wants to. I don't care.

_xxx_

_From 'Aly Morla's record of school hilarities':_

This isn't very hilarious, but that's ok. It's important to note, so I'll just say it.

After Potter left us stranded in the table, with Lily opened mouthed, gaping at his back, I couldn't help but give the guy a thumbs up. I always knew he was ok… I bet he could have been a great friend of ours if it wasn't for that Sirius Black loser influencing him to prank people, etc. etc. but he had a huge downside- his obsessive crush on Lily. FINALLY, he seems to be getting over it. Thank God. I think what he said to Lily was in place; she needed someone telling her things the way they are. She needs to get her life back together.

"He…He…He!!!" she stammered, flashing bright red and looking from me, to Coral, to the entrance, where Potter disappeared to be replaced by the other Marauders. " Agh!!!" she finished, steadying her gaze on us two. "I was apologizing! That bastard! The least he could have done was give me a chance to explain!"

"He did," I reminded her, and Coral poked me on the ribs. Grr.

"Well… than he should have accepted it! Not walked away like an idiot and take all the work on himself- he'll never do it right, anyway!" she recovered quickly, now looking more miserable then angry. That's Lily. Insane.

"Sweetie," goes Coral with her well-balanced sentences… "I don't think you deserved another chance." Oh. Never mind! Keep talking, girl. Come on.

Lily stared at her. "What?!"

"Think about it, " Coral tried pushing a red curl out of Lily's eyes. Lily pushed her hand irritably. "For two years all you've been doing is yell at him, laugh at him, and put him down, only because he wanted to go out with you and you wont' agree. You never gave him a chance, and the first thing he-"

"The only reason he wanted to go out with me was to show the school he can get what ever girl he wants," said Lily, looking at Coral with frustration. Not into Coral's eyes, though, which might mean she wasn't being completely honest.

Coral, being as good an observer as I am, noticed this too, and it pushed her to keep going. That girl has a way with words. " Maybe that's true, " she said. Huh?!

"It is not true," I cut her short. "He wanted to go out with you, Lils, because…" I then noticed at her hurt eyes. "Coral'll tell you. " **cough** **cough**

Coral gave me a warning look. " This is the first thing he does to you this year, and you snap at him. I saw you in the train, Lily, you were being really mean with all those stupid comments about his grades and habits-"

"I was telling the truth!" she insisted. "He is a horrible student, irrespective, disruptive, irrational, and cares more about pranking innocent people then things that actually matter- like his future, or the kind of person he is!"

"Lils… " Coral sighed, and I couldn't help feeling just as exhausted "Here you go again. Putting him down. You don't know what kind of a person he is. He could be the sweetest guy around, and you'll never realize that because you're too busy yelling at him."

"Oh and I suppose you know better?" she demanded, turning away from us. We exchanged glances, neither saying anything.

"What is it?" she looked back at us, noticing the strange silence. "Well?"

"Lily, James is the captain this year. I mean Quidditch. He was last year, too, although there was as seventh year in the group. He-"

"So you're saying I should like him just because he's a good athlete??" she said, her cheeks flashing crimson once again. " I will not-"

"We're not saying that, "I stopped her, before she can blow the whole discussion out of proportion. "Coral was about to say that James is ok. You see him as a prankster, nothing else, but that's all you know him as. Face it, Lils; you never took the time to get to know him. You don't know what he's like outside of the classroom. "

"I do too!" she almost screamed, earning us stares from other tables. I notice Black and his friends looking up at us suspiciously, and try to get her to quite down. " I know what he's like, Alyson- I see him every day, cursing other people and being a fat headed ego maniac, pushing everyone around like they're his slaves, and-"

Coral shakes her head gain, closing her eyes. "You're thinking about the house elves."

Lily blushed, but said nothing.

I didn't say anything, either. I never took a side on this argument yet. Lily always was against the house elves' role in wizard community, and Coral always keeps telling her that that's the way it is and no one is suffering from it. And I can't decide. I'm against slavery- but the house elves ENJOY doing what they do. And hi- there ARE rules for the whole thing- if you abuse your house elf, then the ministry has the right to take them away. So it isn't really slavery.

I don't know.

"Lily, James grew up with one of the richest wizarding families in England." Starts Coral, her gentle voice filled with a touch of uncommon annoyance. "He had house elves around since he was a day old! You can't blame him for-"

"For commanding them to do everything for him?" Lily started again.

"No! You can't blame him for instructing them to help him!" Coral always gets heated when we reach this topic.

"Right! He tells them to do everything- clean, cook, bring staff from place to place-"

"That's their JOB!!!"

"-Only because he's too bloody lazy to do it himself-"

"He was raised like that! Lily, listen to yourself-!"

"-And is too much an asshole to realize it's not right to boss people around-!"

"They're not people! They're house elves! They like doing house work-"

"Ladies, quite down!"

That would me Professor McGonagall.

Every one was looking at us. The marauders were smiling with amusement. I felt my cheeks turn red, as Black waved at me with this ridicules grin spread like a banana on his face. Git. Lily grabbed her bag, and left. I went after her, grabbing Coral on the way out. I didn't want her to feel left out.

Meanwhile, Potter was, evidently, forgotten.

**_A week late. I know. no neeed to tell me again._**

**_which POV didn you guys like best? Coral's, or Aly's? we'll have a vote. _**

**_thankyou, my great reviewers:_**

_james-s2-lily- told you it will be longer! A longer wait, though...sorry :)_

_x. by yours truly .x- this chapter had a lot of diversity to it. which did you like better?_

_Lexy Granger- sorry for taking so long... this isn't Lily's POV, but oly becasue its _really_ conusing to write hers. but you guys seem to like it. I'll have some next chapter- promise!_

_orangeokapi13- he doesn't like people pittying him, but I agree. here's the update!_

_gryffincri- this one is much longer then my usual chapters. satasfied? ;D_

_hpisthegreatest- if last one was a little on the long side, would this be a little on the medium side? whatever._ _'hope it was ok._

_stag-star- you do seem very talented. especially during that comment about... your mom? care to eloborate? you don't have to. he'll tell them before Christmas. kay:P_

_advisor dragon- sorry for confusing you... LOL I used your advise in this chapter... I hope I got it right. I wasn't sure which girl Ihsould do, so I'm doing both. let th audience decide._

_Beck- this was longer, and I'm gonna try making chapters longer in general from now on. no promises, though..._

_Black blood Dragon Goddess- here's the update. I'm glad you liked it. new readers are always welcome. _

_librastar- you re all more then appreciated... you are my motivation! what's more important the motivation, to a writer? I'm so happy you go tthat... I wasn't sure was getting it write, you know? the pain thing._

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- hi again. here you go- I upates, and on the ame day as your review! there is another update that will hopeully be out by Friday, so you'll see it before India._

_**you are all awesome!**_

**_Lily's POV will be in next chapter, since you seem to like it. it will also be more then one entry long, probably a few different POVs. we'll see._**

**_hope you enjoyed._**


	11. Chapter 11

_From the thoughts of Lily Evans…_

_Oh my God._

_Is that Potter?_

_Bloody hell, what is he doing in the library!_

"Potter?"

_He must be lost. He must be._

"Don't look so surprised, Evans. "

"I'm not surprised."

_Can he see me blushing?_

_I think he does. Damn._

"What are you doing here?"

_Ha! Lets see him get out of that one._

"Organizing the Halloween dance."

_Oh._

"What Halloween dance?"

"The one I'm organizing."

_Well that's really something._

_He's such a smart ass._

"Who's she?"

_That girl has pink hair. Why would someone want to have pink hair?_

"This is Jessica, from my advanced N.E.W.T.s transfiguration class. You won't know her, you don't go there."

_Oh… that son of a-_

_No. That's childish. The only reason I'm not in that transfiguration class is because I need more time for other subjects. I have N.E.W.T.s there; I don't need advanced, also. _

"Isn't she a Slytherin?"

"Yes, she is."

"I thought you hate Slytherins."

_Aha! Look at her wincing and looking away. Stupid little git. He'll dump you the second he learns that you are-_

"No. I hate Snape, and people who are blood lunatics. No one else. "

_I don't think my eyes ever got this big before..._

_HUH??!!_

_James Potter accepting a Slytherin? There's got to be a catch here somewhere._

"All Slytherins are blood lunatics,"

_Yes, Mr. Potter, what you gonna say to that? Huh? HUH?????_

"It's a known trait-" _yes! I knew it!_ "-but there are other Slytherin traits. Some rather admirable."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look Evans, I don't expect you to understand this. You've always been judgmental."

_Oh no he didn't. _

_Oh, oh- he did not just say that!!_

_I'm judgmental? Hah! Funny!!!!!!!!!!_

_HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!_

"I am not judgmental!"

"We're busy here. Will you just- go away?"

_AHHH!!!!!_

"Fine! Whatever! Bye!"

_AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_xxx_

_From Aly Morla's record of school hilarities:_

Lily just got totally dissed.

She came into the library to study with us, and probably saw Potter with that Jessica Norman girl before locating us. I couldn't hear the exchange, but her face kept getting redder and redder, and Potter wasn't even wasting a glance at her. He was looking at some notes on the table. Something to do with a dance. Whatever. By the time she left, Lily's cheeks were just about as firey as her hair. I didn't see her like that in ages. Potter is a god.

Not that I blame her or anything. I mean, Potter is showing unrealistic changes, and everyone notices it. Black is looking worried, and Remus hopeful. Coral says he thinks Potter is getting over his teenage years, or something equally philosophical. BORING. I personally think he got over a certain hot-tempered red head, and is doing better because of it.

See, Lily's my friend and all, but she _can_ be a pain sometimes. We met at age two, or around that era, when I moved next door to her in a muggle community. Neither of us knew we were witches 'till we got the letter, so we were pretty close in the first few years here. But lately I've been noticing huge differences between us, especially since we got back from summer vacation. Lily is so… pressured, and tensed and all those other fancy words that have one simple meaning- overwork. She has about a billion extra classes this year- thank God I managed to get her to sign off some adv. N.E.W.T.s or I wouldn't see her for more then a few minutes a day. Not saying that would be such a bad idea, the way she's behaving... _Ok_, so her sister is getting married, and she's head girl and whatever other weird excuse she has, and fine, I accept that, but _come on! _Everyone has problems. If she doesn't start getting herself together soon, I'm afraid I'd have to use that favor I have from Black he thinks I forgot about. A marauder prank, (a _really_ good one,) should get her back on line.

Potter is back talking with Jessica. I have her in Astronomy. Nice kid. I hope they'd get together, and soon. I'm seriously getting the feeling that both Lily and Potter need that.

I just made an observation.

Lily never dated anyone while James Potter was stalking her. Not one date, with no one, and people did ask her out a lot.

Not one date.

I'm taking this into consideration.

xxx

Dear journal.

I think I'm going to like working on this Halloween dance project thing.

It's fun.

For example, today I got to sit with this girl from my Transfiguration class. Her name is Jessica Norman. We never really talked before, since she's a Slytherin, and I don't do too well with Slytherins. But she's probably the only one of her house in the advanced N.E.W.T.s class. I guess that brought her up the scale a few notches. Plus, she is a great charmer, and could help me with decorations. I mean magical charms, not personal charms! Although, now that I think of it… she's pretty good at those, too. pink hair,(used to be blonde) blue eyes, and very white skin, rounded up on top of a well-built body, she is one of the most wanted girls in the school. She's a Quidditch player, too- a keeper. Maybe we could practice together sometimes. Talking to her, I realized what a shy, quite, cool person she was. Who would expect that form a Slytherin? What is she doing in Slytherin, anyway?

I'm just starting to realize how much better my life is without me chasing Evans all the time. Girls are looking at me. That's not news, of course, but I'm starting to look at _them._ I think they like it. I think _I _like it. This is a good thing. Maybe it's time to get a girlfriend or something.

Kidding.

Tomorrow I'm going to madam Pomfrey. I tried going today, but my homework got way out of hand. I sat to do it in the Gryffindor common room, and everyone was staring at me. They looked confused and frightened. Especially Sirius. He thinks he's losing me to books. No way! Just wait 'till the full moon, Padfoot… it's only a week away. You'll see.

Talking about full moons, Remus has been acting weird, too. He keeps glancing at me when he thinks I'm not looking. (Yeah right. Like you can snick a look at James Potter. As if. ) I think he's still thinking about the story I told them about my back.

Could that possibly be why people stare at me now?

Damn, it is!

Bloody hell, and here I go thinking everything was going so smoothly! I need something big to cover what Evans did. _I don't want people pitying me. _And trust me, they will if they ever find about my new step dad.

…

Something big.

What will be big enough to cover this mess???

…

Grr.

…

A prank?

Nah. Too common for a marauder.

…

Maybe… a big fight. With a Slytherin.

Right, like I need more wounds for my growing collection.

…

Or maybe…

…

Maybe…

…

May…

…

Be…

…

Yeah, I got nothing.

Ok. What does Hogwarts' students want?

Well, that's easy. Gossip.

Oh.

Ooooooooooh.

So let's give them something to gossip about…

**_That's about it._ **

**_I've done better. I've done worst. _ **

**_At least it's on time this week :)_ **

**_As to the 17 reviewers (seventeen!!), here's what I've go to say:_ **

_x. by yours truly .x- hi. Again. I have some diversity for you in this chapter... LOL. So, you don't like the James POV, or what? I did worn everyone in prior chapters that this isn't going to stay very angst for long... We'll have some more 'extra' angst at Christmas. (And maybe sometimes in between... most likely) but otherwise, I can't do too much. It will be unrealistic. But I'll try... :P I'm sorry to say you're the only person who reviewed that supported Coral, so I'm forced to use Aly more. But Coral will stay in the story, writing every once in a while... I promise._

_hpisthegreatest- she is kind of a b here, isn't she? She is confused and overwhelmed... don't hold it against her... ; after Christmas... shell get better. (Before that, she'll get much, much worst.)_

_FlamingThunder- everyone isn't going to find until the end of the year, if at all. But his friends will realize soon enough, don't you worry... (Welcome to the reviewer's club!)_

_Lexy Granger- look! All your favorite POVs, together in one chapter! Hopefully they aren't too bad... I like Aly's sarcasm, too. She's more outgoing then them all... _

_Tansiana- Don't worry about last chapter. Reviewing isn't a requirement; it's something you should want to do... Aly's here, hope it was ok. I'm going to do a lot more diversity from now on. _

_librastar-it is about time he talked to her frankly, isn't it? He will forgive her, eventually. (Eventually meaning in a pretty long while.) Or not. This story is still at the very beginning of its hopefully long lasting life..._

_Wowzeers54- this is not a sequel; the sequel for first year at Hogwarts has nothing to do with it. The seventh year there will still have staff to do with the Ravenclaw stone this does not! But Aly and Coral are from there, as is their past. You can say that all the major things are the same as there, but this doesn't have a lot to do with that, anyway. Ok. :-) I'm glad you like it._

_Advisor dragon- thanks! But I do like lily's POV, it helps explaining her better then others would, except a diary. It is confusing, but it's also fun, so it's sort of balanced. I hope you liked this..._

_Amenti- Aly, again. Good choice. :-) Like I said to some other people, I'm going to have a lot more diversity from now on._

_Drag0nfreak- Aly? Awesome! I like her too._

_SiriuslyPadfoot101-yes, obviously, you do see some more different POVs in this chapter. I'm very happy you liked the last chapter that much. What you said about Lily... that's what I mean, too. This is the way I think it happened, he gave up on her and she was mad for awhile and then... well, you know the rest._

_Beck-thank you! I'm so happy you people like this so much..._

_gryffincri- again, I'm happy you liked the diversity and longer update. Because of the diversity, there're going to be longer updates. Obviously. :-) Long reviews are good... makes me feel special ;-P_

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- Thank you so much! I love compliments. Who doesn't? About the cutting… James is a marauder. His friends know him as a guy that can do anything. (Boy, this is a stupid excuse... :-p) including cut himself on the... err, back. Cough cough _

_lunababe-you're not selfish... ok, a little... lol... but that's ok. Selfishness is a known human trait, if you know what I mean. This was... kind of longer, hopefully. Are three entries per chapter ok? 'Cause that's what I've been doing for the past two updates...(?)_

_stag-star-Christmas is.. Far away. Sorry, but there is a lot I've got planned before that, and a lot I'd probably dd. but trust me, if I write it good enough, it's gonna be worth it. Want a hint?_

_eight-cent-plantation- he will heal his arm, possibly before next chapter. I'm going to skip a couple of days, if it's all right with you lot. I'm glad it... kept you 'awake'. _

**_Ok- you are all amazing, and you are all a lot of people... 17... WOW..._ **

_**Next update, as usual, will be out by Friday. (Most likely **__on_**_ Friday.) There've been some good questions asked by reviewers:_ **

**_This story is not a sequel to my other story, "First Year at Hogwarts, Lily and James", but Aly and Coral are form there. So are a lot of occurances, because that's how I think their first year went (with out the Ravenclaw thing) so that's what I have here._ **

**_If you liked the cutting thing, then it's not gonna be up a lot... James sis basically over his dad's death, and he sort of learned that pain isn't going to help anything. Sorry!_ **

**_From now on, every chapter will be about 3 entries, usually different POVs. I hope that's ok with everyone..._ **

**_TGIF!!!!!!!_**


	12. Chapter 12

Sirius Black looked at his best friend as he smoothly discussed Halloween decorations with Jessica Norwan.

It has been hours since their 'meeting' was scheduled to be over, and yet James was still sitting with her in one of the library's many unmarked tables. In _the library._

Sirius himself was staring at them through numerous books located on a conveniently reached shelf by which he was standing, crouched like only marauder can. Remus was sitting behind him, by a table, reading. Of course. After many long, tiresome objections the latter was able to convince Sirius to join him to a study session for an upcoming test. The fact that Sirius would obviously refuse to read, study, or open any of the books was over looked at the time. It was Remus's own choice to overlook it again once they got inside. So Sirius was left to his boredom.

Well, until he saw his most trusted partner of crime with a **_Slytherin_**.

People in Hogwarts were talking. The gossip filled the ancient halls. Everyone knew _something _about why James Potter was suddenly giving up of Lily Evans, as well as his… surprising 'interest' in this popular Slytherin 7th year. The rumors stated- in the most ridicules, unbelievable, stupid belief that-

"He's dating a Slytherin. "

Remus looked up, giving one absent-minded glance at the unlikely couple. "Yeah," he said, in a somehow distracted tone, before turning back to his book.

"He is dating a _Slytherin_." Said Sirius again, not lifting his gaze form his best friend, who was so unexpectedly foreign to him.

Remus looked up again, looking at the two more intently then the last time. "Yes," he re-concluded, looking back down.

"He is _dating_ a _Slytherin," _repeated Sirius. Again. Remus looked up. "Yes, I know." He said more clearly, earning a hawk-glare form the librarian.

"He is _**dating **a** Sly-**_"

"Padfoot!" hissed Remus. " I get it! He's dating a Slytherin! What's the big deal??" The librarian, already irritated with the two, waved her wand in the general direction of the exit. Remus smiled at her a charming smile. He wasn't a marauder for nothing.

"Don't you see?" insisted the young Black. "First Peter goes off with that Vanessa person, and now James is with _her! _What if _you _suddenly pick up one of them- Narcissa, maybe-"

"Bloody hell, Padfoot, I've been dating Coral for months! You're overreacting. "

"But…" Sirius trailed off, unsure what to say.

What was up with James? It was as if he didn't know him anymore. It wasn't Prongs.

Remsu rolled his eyes, looking back down and jotting something on a piece of paper.

First was the strange silence during the train ride, Sirius decided. _His _best friend would have been telling stories and jokes, planning pranks and running chess tournaments and bets with chocolate frogs. Not this James. He sat there and listened. (_Listened!_) And at the feast- what did he eat? A pickle? Less? There wasn't even a point offering a food race, not with the only possible candidate to challenge the unbeatable Sirius Black picking at his food like- like…

And he kept wincing, flinching, hurting… unable to carry his own bags, remembered Sirius, frowning. And of course there was the blood, and Evans' curse… cutting? Would James do that? And how the bloody hell did he manage to hurt his own _back_? With a kitchen knife?!

And why the sudden interest in schoolwork? Why no prank plans? Why was he so closed- so untrusting? _Aren't we trustworthy? _Sirius thought, getting worried by unpredicted complications.

_Why was he not stalking Evans?_ Popped the Question.

Why?

_xxx_

_From the thoughts of Lily Evans:_

_He is supposed to be tutoring her. Not socializing. _

_Look at her. Just look at her. How pathetic. I bet she doesn't even know the theory of metamorthmadus. _

_They are sitting why to close. What is she trying to do? _

_This can't be legal!_

"Err, Lily, I was wondering about this problem in the HW assignment-"

"Just as second!"

"But-"

"Wait!"

"You're supposed to be tutoring me. I don't get this."

_First years!_

"Fine. What? _This?_ You just- like… just do the spell out loud and see what happens. Then you write it down. "

"But it says 'describe the properties of the'-"

"Yeah, so you need to see what it does, and record it."

"Record…?"

_God! Those wizard kids know nothing! Home schooling is so… ahh!!!! Didn't they teach him english???_

"Look, just write down what you see."

"But-"

"Now!"

_Merlin, please help me. Please._

_Oh My God. His hand. On her shoulder. _

_They are definitely not studying!!!_

"Listen, Jessica…"

_Jessica? So now he's in first name terms with her? She's a bloody Slytherin, Merlin's Beard!_

"Do you want to- like- "

"Did you say something, Rupert? "

_Oh My God. _

"No…"

_He's asking her out._

xxx

From the journal of James Potter:

Today was... really good.

Which is sort of weird, since I practically just discovered I have a curse on me.

I don't think anyone realized this yet, but I never went on a date. I mean- with no one. At all. Not even a drink. Since 4th year I've been chasing Evans. And that really helped me, didn't it? I still can't believe what an idiot I've been. Oh, well. No help crying over spilt potion, right?

But it seems like I'm doomed to be single forever. The two only girls I like won't give another glance at me. Well, not a romantic one, a murderous one, maybe, and a friendly kind of grin.

I lost you, didn't I?

Well, let me start over.

Evans and me met up today, for the first time in a few days. Which is a record, by the way. I bet the teachers are having bets about how long I can keep ignoring her in the teacher's lounge. They're all gonna lose their money- I'm done with her.

Did I say that already?

We met at an empty classroom on the second floor, where tutoring sessions are always held. There weren't that many people there, and by that, I mean more perfects came to tutor then student came to get help. Whatever. There was a chart clipped to the door, with all the subjects written in it, and what tutors taught what. I saw Remus's name under 'Defense' and 'magical beasts'. How predictable. Chuckling, I surveyed the rest, seeing Evan's name wasn't there. And here I thought she was never late.

I wrote my name next to the 'transfiguration' section. My calling- I swear. Right after brooms and flying... But that's another story.

I didn't know what to do next. Here I was among all these perfects that seemed very used to the tutoring concept. I looked around for a familiar face, finding none. Remus was sitting in a corner with a charge, showing them something on a piece of parchment. Some of the other perfects gave me death glares- I'm not very popular in this crowd. Half the people wanted to be the Head Boy themselves, and the other half didn't appreciate my constant rule breaking for the past couple of years. No one offered any help. Everyone were busy. Everyone were explaining, or showing, or- other staff.

I stood there hesitantly, swallowing and breathing hard. This was embarrassing. Humiliating. James Potter will not be made fun of! Plus, I was beginning to panic. I told Evans I could handle being head boy without her, but I wasn't really showing it. I mean, I couldn't even tutor, which was supposedly the easiest part of the job. No students came up for help- with good reason. I can't even teach a rat to jump- believe me, I tried that a lot with Peter- how was I supposed to tutor a person a complicated subject like transfigurations? I was no teacher!

Suddenly Evans showed up. She was smirking at me, seeing me stand there like an idiot. She wrote her name down next to 'charms', sitting down on an empty table, which was quickly filled with a group of noisy kids demanding her help.

Prat.

I turned around, towards the door, completely ready to erase my name of the stupid chart and go find Sirius or something. If I needed something at the moment, it was cursing someone to the next century. Who cares what my step dad would do?

"Excuse me." I said rudely, pushing a pink haired girl that was signing her name on the chart. Her books fall to the floor. I cursed. Loudly. I heard some of the younger students gasp, and giggle. Merlin.

"Please- you don't have to-"

"It's no problem, really, 't was my fault-"

We both crouched down, quickly gathering notes, books, and quills that rolled around every which way. I looked at the cover of one of the texts. It was the seventh year's adv N.E.W.T.s transfiguration. My eyes grew huge. Yes! Someone for me to tutor!

I looked up to see if I recognize my first charge. The pink hair, skirted with blonde strikes, which must have been the original color, falling over two sky blue eyes, which didn't recognize me yet. It was Jessica.

"Hi!" I said densely, staring at her. She raised her eyes, pushing a few hair locks back into a loose ponytail. She smiled, rising to her feet, a thing I forgot to do. No problem. I stood up as quickly as humanly possible, picking up the last of the books. "I didn't know you'd b here…"

Her smiled widened. " I didn't realize you'd be here, either. I- I've never been here before."

Flooded with relief of not being alone, I took the remaining books form her hands. " Same here. I guess we'll learn from each other, then. "

She grinned, following my to an empty table.

"What do you need help with?" I asked, opening the book absent mindedly, while staring at her. Her eyes were so strange… unreadable. "Transfigurations, right?"

"Yes," she agreed, stopping my pointless page flipping by grabbing my still frankly moving hand. Then she blushed, quickly removing it, taking the book away, instead. "I just got completely lost in that last lesson, and no one in my dorm could explain it to me, since they aren't taking the advanced class. I thought about going to McGonagall, but I figured she'll just send me here, because, well, because it's tutoring. " She blushed again. I offered a smile, taking the book and placing it between us. She shouldn't have been embarrassed. It's not like I didn't get tutoring from Remus every single day in prior years, having never listened in class. She got the book was in the right page, which is more then I had to show for myself.

"McGonagall was talking about the theory of the elements- how to magically transfer one element to another. We started to touch it last year, remember? All the junk with metal meeting metal and what not? Well, that formula she gave us was supposed to explain it-"

It kept on like that for a while. She would ask a question here and there, clarifying what ever I didn't describe well enough. Those questions where pretty rare, to my great surprise. Jessica was fun to teach, because she always understood all my jokes about how ridicules this and that were. Schoolbooks are very overrated.

"I don't get it," she stated finally, sitting back.

"What? You just have to use a potion to change gold instead of a spell- it's has a more complicated magical core. That's why all those creature love it so much- including humans, obviously- "

"No!" she pushed me playfully. "I don't get how you can figure all this staff out. All the formulas that aren't in the book and the actually difference between the different elements- how sis you know about the classifications? There's nothing about that in the book!"

"That' because it's not in the book. " I scratched my head, putting the quill down. " I made them up. It's just so much easier."

"Well, I think you should tell McGonagall about them."

I started chocking.

"What?!" exclaiming, still fighting to breath, I looked at her with shock. " McGonagall?! I'd rather be in a detention."

"Why?" she insisted, placing a hand on my back, helping me get my bearings back under control. "This staff is amazing. She would love some easier ways to teach this to us, and I bet other students will be so glad to learn this…"

I looked at her doubtfully. " I don't know…"

"Well, think about it. " she said, giving me a friendly smile. "Okay?"

A smile slowly made it' sway to my lips. "Okay."

There was an awkward silence.

"Listen, Jessica…" I started. Damn, why was this so hard? It was never this hard with Evans. And I had planned this; after all, it was part of the plan to get people to forget of the blood… "Do you want to- like- do something tonigh-"

"NO!"

She backed up, and we both realized I had my arm on her chair. I pulled it back, thanking Merlin I had a chance to get it to Madam Pomfrey before coming here. Jessica looked at me with her huge, blue eyes terrified. She was now sitting away from me on the bunch, her hands resting on the sit tensely.

"Oh." Yeah, ok. No problem. I guess I wasn't meant to ever date anyone. No problem. " Never mind."

I guess she could see I wasn't really over it, because she slowly came back closer. I looked at the book intently, oblivious to the quite murmurs surrounding us, which were the other students teaching. I didn't want to meat her eyes. Would she hate me, like Evans did?

"James, I…"

She obviously had nothing to say. Her voice was strangely weak, shy and pained. I still didn't look at her.

"It's not you, really, its…." She didn't say anything after it. I made a small noise even I can't recognize. "Please, let's just go back to how it used to be. I can't have a boy friend right now."

I looked up. She was hiding something; I could see it in her eyes. Was she… in the same situation as me? With her dad- or mom- or… was she?

"You know what, you're right. I shouldn't have asked you. It was stupid. Forget about it." I said, trying to seem cheerful. "Pretend it never happened, ok? " she nodded, the strange look not completely gone form her eyes. "Great. So about that element potion…"

I came back to my dorm only after completing rounds, which I was supposed to do with Evans every night. We both agreed it'd be better to separate doing it. Jessica and me worked on her transfiguration problems until pretty late, after everyone was already gone. I had to run all the way to the head's room, where Evans made a point of ignoring me. Wonder what's up with her. Anyway, after finishing up my own homework, I jumped over to the Gryffindor common room to see the marauders. (I think I'd move back with them to the dorm. I don't seem them at all lately!) Sirius was looking at m funny, but when I looked at Remus for an explanation, he just rolled his eyes. Maybe it's my writing so much. Better stop soon. I need to talk to them about Remus's upcoming problem, anyway…

From James Potter's Journal:

Later today

Bloody hell.

Ok. My mood is just about ruined now.

When I cam e into my room, again, I noticed an owl in the wondow. Poor creature must have been ther for hours, and I neve rnoticed! What was it doing here that late, anyway?

I figured that one out the minute I opened the letter. It fled away aimmidietly, leaving me with no way to relay to the sender.

Which was my 'dad'.

He wants me to come home this weekend. Meaning tonight, since it's Friday. He has something to talk to me about.

At first I considered not going, but two things stopped me- first, he said he already sent the paper work to McGonagall. And second- what if something happened to mom? What if he did something to her? She wasn't in any condition to protect her self right now, still sulking of my dad's death. No way. I had to go.

Only one problem.

How do I explain o the marauders why I'll be missing the full moon?

**_Late, I know. I was in vacation. I think it's a little longer then normally, so you shouldn't complain. Too much. _**

**_Next chapter would be 4 POVs, to make up for this one. James, Aly, Lily, and Sirius. You can guess what each is about. _**

**_I promised a clue to one of the reviewers. And since everyone keeps asking it, I'll just give it to you all- the marauders (no one else!) will find out about James's secret a few days after the second full moon. Someone will be going to St. Mango's (or somewhere similar) after that. Lily will find out quite a while after. I'm not telling when. _**

**_On to the reviewers (18! New record!) _**

_x. by yours truly .x- I'm glaf you liked the Lily POV. It's a strange way to write, but… it is fun. The pink hair- there is a reason for that, and I think it'll be next chapter. Or it will be a few chapters away; I'm not sure. _

_Infiniteternity-what compliments! Thank you! You get y characters just the right way. Lily isn't a bitch; she just has a big problem realizing she **likes** James, which of course she does. _

_Shruzz- I have not intention of quitting this story. __J _

_eight-cent-plantation- thanks. I stayed up until 2 am last night to finish this chapter, but you still bit the record. I hope this was ok. _

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- Great, so we're ok. Won't you have a computer in India? Or no internet connection, or something? Well, look at the bright side. When you get back, there will be more then one chapter waiting for you… _

_Nika Dawson-it does seem like something they would do, doesn't it? (Hint!) _

_Stag-star- weather he's going out with a Slytherin or not wasn't the hint, and I'm not telling! The hint is above, I hope it satisfies you. _

_Hpisthegreatest- the answer to your question- when everyone will find out- is above. And yes, she should be getting better. Why isn't she? You have three chances to guess. 8) _

_Gryffincri- lily, the poor girl, is going insane. I wouldn't want to be in her place for the world. Aly's POV will be next chapter. I'm glad you like her. Sorry you had to wait to weeks… _

_Amenti- the fact that you reviewed is already something- you don't to make it interesting. It is an awesome bonus, though… ;-p _

_Advisor dragon: Wow, I feel so proud of myself! Though I bet you have some advise after this chapter. James didn't come out as good as I wanted. Oh, well. _

_Whitelight72- thank you, I like her denial, too. It's just so fun imagining what she'd do… LOL _

_Lexy Granger- short? Really? Oh well. This was a little longer… hopefully it's enough. What do you people have with long chapters? They take forever to read… next chapter's 4 POVs. How about that? _

_Librastar-err… **cough** **cough** I can't promise no more blood… sorry… it's scheduled to appear rather soon… **cough** sorry. A promising conflict. Hmm. That's a nice way to put it. She is boiling mad write now… but it's Lily. She won't stay insane for long. But she'll get very very mad right before Christmas, so stick around! _

_Lunababe- I'm having some problems with the 'update soon' concept, obviously, thanks to one evil thing- midterms. Hate 'em. Three chapters, then. We agree. Great! _

_Beck- was it clear enough what his plan was? He wanted to get a girlfriend. Which he never did before. Did you like this chapter as much as the last one? (Be honest! I accept criticism!!:-D) _

_Minathia- you're right… I never broke a bone. Ever. I actually wanted to get rid of the arm on the second day of school, after the Lily incident. But it didn't fit, nor did it fit after words, so I had to keep stretching it. I'm gonna go with the numb choice. He couldn't feel it. Thankfully, I finally found a place for it and it is no longer a big part of the story. Thanks for pointing it out, though. _

_FlamingThunder -again with the oh so common question! LOL the answer is above. in y A/N. I'm glad you liked the last chapter._


	13. Chapter 13

**_This entry contains the word b. you have been warned._**

From James Potter Journal:

You know what I should do?

I should just let my step dad kill me.

I'm completely serious. It will solve so many problems. You know just one curse, and then it's over. No more pain, or humiliation, or confusion. And no more lying.Oh, don't get me wrong. I do lie. I don't mind lying to teachers, for example. Or Slytherins. Or other people I don't like. It's something else entirely. But lying to the marauders?

Grr.

I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, waiting for my 'dad' to get here. Having already heard him upstairs a while back, I can't help but worry about what exactly is he doing up there? I came in through Floo powder about 5 minutes ago, but before leaving, I a chance to drop by the Gryffindor common room, and tell the marauders what's up. If you can call what I did telling them anything. I came in, said, "I have to go home for the weekend. See you Monday" and then left. Just like that. Sirius looked just about ready to cut my head off. Remus frowned, as deep in thought as ever. I don't get it. Why can't they just- I don't know, let it go or something? It's one full moon missed. No big deal.

Right?

Grr.

Sirius came after me, stepping over the fat lady's portrait only half way before starting to talk. I didn't look back at him, afraid he'd see my absolutely guilty face. Trying to remain calm. Right.

"James…"

"Yes, Padfoot?"

"You're gonna have to talk to us sometimes. "

"I did talk to you."

"No. "

Grr.

What did I tell you? Again with the 'I know exactly what's going on' attitude. He can read minds, I tell you!!!!

"Yes," I emphasized, before starting to move again. He didn't follow me, but the entrance didn't close until I was far, far away.

I'm not sure what I want to do less. Stay here with my drunken dad, or go back to Hogwarts to my disappointed friends.

Grr.

xxx

From Aly Morla's record of school hilarities:

I am satisfied.

Very satisfied.

With myself, that is.

I have succeeded in getting Lily to use her head. An impossible task, some might say, but I say different! She is my friend, even if she isn't acting like one. And it's my job to get it past her thick skull that she is out of control.

And believe me, she was.

She stormed into the common room, her hair loose, flowing around her in an unusual mess. Her eyes were reduced to tiny slits, from which small flames seemed to be emitted. Her expression was that of pure loathe, and her cloths engulfed her in a way that could challenge Snape's.

Very un-Lily-ish.

"That son of a bitch!"

"Lily!" Coral was on her feet, her hands pressed on her mouth. Merlin.

"What?!" screamed our loved red head. "What, is it, Coral?!!!! He is! It's the truth!"

"It's not, and you know it!"

"It is too! He asked her out! Potter asked that Slytherin bitch out!"

The Gryffindor common room was suddenly filled with voices. That was one good piece of gossip. James Potter, dating? Hearts were broken, and promises of revenge were quickly made. Please, people. James Potter doesn't date anyone he didn't fall for. Unlike Sirius Black, who has a new girl friend every week.

"Which Slytherin bi- um, girl?" I asked, stopping myself before saying anything that would get Coral to stare daggers at me. But no worries- Lily did it for her, looking at me as if it was completely obvious.

"Norwan, of course." She said jeeringly.

Suddenly everyone quieted down. _Fast._

"Jessica norwan? He asked Jessica Norwan out?" clarified Coral, her anger gone.

"Yeah," Lily looked around, suddenly uncomfortable. " During tutoring. "

"Did she say yes?" asked some idiot second year. I rolled my eyes.

"Of course she didn't." I said. Lily stared at me. Everyone was silent, before starting to whisper again. But not about James Potter. Or Lily Evans. About anything but.

"What are you talking about?" she demanded.

"Lily, you have a really stupid system, " I told her bluntly. Her eyes widened.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. " I nodded to Coral, who grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her down to the empty sit beside her. "You play like you're this perfect girl twenty four seven. You do your homework, and study, and is nice to everyone and never do anything out of line. You spend weekends reading about new magical theories. You never gossip, or talk about anyone without their permission. You tutor, and you go to teachers in free periods to be their assistant. And that's great and all, Lils, but at some point, you're gonna blow."

"What-"

"Don't interrupt me. " I said coldly. She shut up.

"You can't be the perfect girl forever, Lils. No one can. You have to have some time for yourself, for just plain old, 'unproductive' fun. And-"

"You know what's fun?" she said, stopping me anyway. "Getting Potter to stay away from me. That's fun."

I smiled.

"It is, isn't it?" she looked at me with surprise, having probably expected something else. " I could only imagine. A guy asks you out, and you yell at him. Real fun." She stared at me with a look that could kill. I ignored her. " That's your problem, Lils, right there. You're so caught up with being perfect all the time, not showing how you actually feel, that you have to take it on someone. Potter. The poor guy just wants one chance, Lily. One date. But you… you won't give it to him. "

"Because he's a ego maniac with a huge head-"

"Don't interrupt me!" I looked at her pointedly, making sure the message reached. It did. "I'm not talking about that. It's an old subject. I don't care _why_ you did it, but you got so used to doing it- to give away emotion by yelling at him- that the minute he stopped deserving it, you went insane." Coral was nodding at me encouragingly. " Lily, you're looking for ways to be mad at him. He's allowed to date anyone he wants, and if you knew how to express yourself in other ways you'd have had no problem-"

"But she a _Slytherin!_ " she yelled. Doesn't she get it when I'm trying to tell her something important???

"It doesn't matter! You don't get it that-"

"Lily," Coral cut me short. I gave up. It was obvious no one was listening. " Jessica didn't say yes. She couldn't have. Her parents are muggle born, and they don't want her to date wizards. If you would have paid attention to anything anyone around you was saying, you would have known that."

Lily stared from Coral, to me, and back to Coral. She didn't look too happy.

"Last time she went on a date with a wizard was third year." I added, looking at her accusingly. She deserved it. " Her dad almost forced her out of the school. " Lily turned her gaze away from us.

"That's ridicules. You're just saying that to-"

My hand was on her cheek before she could finish the sentence. Lily pressed onto the red mark left by my slap, her huge emerald eyes staring at me in shock.

"Get yourself together, Lils," I said, pulling my hand back. "Until you do, don't even try to talk to me. I might hurt you. Maybe a Reducto curse?" with that, and a small, evil smile, I left her there, in the shocked Gryffindor common room, Coral joining me shortly. Neither of us looked back.

_xxx_

_From the thoughts of Lily Evans…_

_The lake sure is beautiful._

_Especially with the sunset reflected on the water. It's so still, so simple. Who could guess a hue water people civilization leaves under all those mounds of water?_

_I wonder why no one's out today. Usually this place would be filled with couples, touching each other in inappropriate places. _

_Aly's wrong. I do a lot of things for myself. Like coming to the lake to relax. I do that. and I read for fun, sometimes. When I don't have any projects or tests coming up. Then the sensibal thing to do would be study, and do eevrythig needed to be done. How else could I progress in this world? But I get to get out here every once in…_

_3 months…_

_point taken._

_But whatam I supposed to do? It's N.E.W.T.s year. I have to get exceptional grades. I already got one detention this year, I can't risk getting out of line. I can't!What will mum and dad say?_

_I want to be a healer. I really do. And you have to get top marks for that. it involves all the fields, except maybe history. But then again. What if there is a rare illness that happned like a hundred years ago? I'll have to study it to find a cure. Which means I'll have to know history, so I can find information about it._

_And anyway, way not? Better safe then sorry._

_And what was all that junk about me taking it out on Potter? She's sounding like Coral now? No, Coral's great and all, but I can't have o of her! I need Aly to balance it out._

_Of course, Coral would have never **slapped** me!!_

_Huh…_

_Let's summarize. It's the second Friday of the school year. my recordis ruined by a detention. Everyone in the school saw me curse Potter so bad he started bleeding. The irst years are scared of me for it. Aly's mad at me. So is Coral. The teachers look at me like a female version of a marauder. And Potter ignores me. (Which, by the way, doesn't matter at all.) _

_All in all, this year sucks. _

_Oh, and on top of that, I'm not invited to Petunia's wedding. _

_Ahh!!!_

…

_That's a unicorn!_

_What is it doing so near the edge of the forest?_

…

_It's so white…so beautiful…_

…

_I guess my system isn't really that great. Aly has a point. I can't keep pretending to be someone I'm not._

_But I am a perfectionist. It's who I am, truly and undoubtfully. I was born wanting to be the best. _

_Maybe I should just reconstruct my priorities. _

…

_Hi, wait! Unicorn, where are you going?_

xxx

Sirius Black looked at the red coals in the fire place, deep in thought.

"Remus?"

"Mmm?" his friend was stting near a ttable at the almost empty common room. He looked like he was working on some homework, reading out of a surprisingly small text while sitting oon one of the red chairs. Sirius continued to stare into the hearth.

?have oyu noticed anything strange about Prongs lately?"

Remus didn't raise his eyes. Sirius didn't waist time wondering why, instead waiting for a late replay.

"his dad just died, and his mum remarried." Said Remus finally, still not looking up.

"yeah, I know." Sirius looked at the fire once more. The flames were so enchanting… " But he keeps wincing, and all those staff. He didn't even chedual a Quidditch try ou this week, though the next game is only a few months away…"

"I'm sure it's nothing." Said Remus quickly, reading on.

"I guess…"

They fell silent for a long while, the flames dieing of in the hearth. Absent mindedly, Sirius reignited them. Peter snored on a couch besides them, a book resting on hjis constantly moving chest. James, though, was no where hin sight. He was home, and will miss the full moon the next evening.

"Sirius, have I ever bitten someone?" asked Remus suddenly. Sirius looked up, jerked out of deep thought.

"you?"

"I mean… while in you know what form."

"Oh. How is this related to James?" asked Sirius, stretching his legs and coming over to sit by his friend.

"Who said it's related?" answered Remus, staring at his book intently.

"Oh. Right. no, you didn't. No chance." Sirius yawned, making Peter mumble something and turn in his sleep.

"Oh. OK. Thanks."

"no problem. " Sirius stood up, grabbing his untouched book bag. "I'm gonna go to sleep. Remained me to do HW tomorrow? Before we need to go?" Remus nodded, getting the hint about his transformation. "Oh, and don't forget to wake Worm tail on your way up," said Sirius as an after thought, disappearing up the stairs.

Remus closed the book in his hands, looking at the title intensely. " How to know your friend's a werewolf," it said in black letters. Remus looked up at the almost full moon outside, thinking.

In the distance, he could here someone yell, "Potter Manor!" in a clear, familiar voice.

**_Ok so technically, I'm 58 minutes late in this update. But I have an extra entry, which should satisfy you. _**

**_Only to make this clear, Aly's wrong with her reasoning why Lily's so upset. Yes, Lily is a perfectionist, and she did take a lot of her frustration on James in prior years. That is part of the reason. But Lily is really mostly jealous, and that's about it. _**

**_To my reviewers: _**

_Orangeokapi13- and this one are even longer! Yay!!! (And I'm not, surprisingly, being sarcastic at all...) _

_Lexy Granger- you hate Jessica? Oh... yeah, then… yeah, I'm not going to tell you but... oh... though you're right. Pink hair is tonk's thing. She won't stay pink for long. _

_Gburghwitchface- I did explain what's wrong with Jessica. I didn't decide if her dad hits her or not. He might, but then maybe that won't work. We'll see. _

_hpisthegreatest- an attempt suicide? Interesting idea. Maybe. I'll need to think about it. You're a pretty good guesser, you know? You got them all right- Sirius, Jessica, James... _

_infiniteternity- what compliments! I'm blushing like a Weasley... lol... thanks. I'm so happy you like it! _

_gryffincri- James's going home wouldn't turn too bad **this time**, but that's all I'm gonna say. I gave the answer to the 'what Jessica's hiding' think in this chapter, though James won't learn of that for a while. He doesn't listen to gossip. Remind you of someone? (Cough Lily cough) _

_stag-star- um... I'm sure you're very smart... (LOL) _

_Brolly-ann-miller- thanks you! Updates are usually every Friday. Usually. _

_x. by your truly .x - Lily is not just jealous. She's way beyond that now... _

_Tansiana- this chapter answered your question. :-) And you're absolutely right. Poor Siri... _

_lunababe-thanks. I'm glad you like it. Did you luv this chapter? (Really?) _

_librastar- I do only write HP. why? I tried once writing something else. Didn't go so well. Plus, Harry's my favorite since like... second grade. We grew attached. :-) Why? Do you have any new suggestions? About James and Jessica... James is going to wait a long time before he warms up to Lily. At least Christmas. Now don't look at me like that, there is a reason! _

_Beck- long reviews are welcomed! Bring them on! Be my guest! lol!!! Now about typos and staff- I know. And I swear, the minute I'm done with this I'll fix them. I just think you guys will like it better to get a new chapter weekly, instead of a redo of the first two chapters. Right? _

**_You guys are all great! _**

**_I know I keep saying things about Christmas and all that, but I have this huge idea for it that's like, the climax of the story. so there will be hints here and there every once in a while, since it's all planned already in my head. It might be months away, but still... _**

**_Happy Holydays!_**


	14. Chapter 14

_From James Potter's journal:_

I lost my journal.

The Potter Manor is unrecognizable. I can't believe how much damage happened in the two weeks since I was here last. Everything's covered in dust, since the house elves all left. All of them. My step dad clothed them, if you catch my drift.

There is a lot of old furniture around the house, all kind of things that just reminded my mum of my dad. And so, my step dad destroyed them. Ripped them to pieces. All the memories. Everything I thought will be here forever.

Gone.

I can see my dad's favorite chair from here. It's big, with red, soft cloth covering it. The wood is real and thick, colored gold. My dad used to spend hours on that chair. It was a Potter heirloom for the past 4 generations. I remember him telling me bedtime stories on it, even before I could fly. Reading the paper. Talking to my mum. Laughing. Staring into the hearth, deep in thought.

It's on it's side now, lying there like a dead log. The cloth is cut and covered with food spilling. One of the legs is broken off. I can see the white staffing coming out of the ruined cushions.

I don't want to look at it. I don't want to.

I can't turn away.

My blood is getting in my eyes. I can't see anything, anyway, since my glasses are… somewhere. They're broken. I could hear them break when he punched me. Some glass got in my eyes, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything by then.

And my mum just stood there. In the doorway. Staring into space. Seeing but not seeing it all.

She just stood there.

I wonder how much blood you have to lose- how much hours you can survive without water or food- how long do you have to hold your breath in case your ribs get in the way of your lungs- how long can you feel this much pain all at once- how long does it take, before you die.

I hope it's not too long.

xxx

_From Remus Lupin's POV:_

"Padfoot, let's go."

"Moony, he'll only be back in two hours, at the least. You heard him, didn't you?"

"Padfoot, _let's go!_"

"Ok, Ok, already! Don't have to get all moody, Moony. " Sirius stood up, stretching. Remus looked at him with frustration. Or hysteria.

"Come one!" he urged, pushing Sirius out the dorm's door. Didn't he get it? The full moon was over. James had to be back. If Remus was right, that is…

"Where're you going Rummy?" asked a voice behind him. Remus turned around, seeing Coral looking at him with concern. Just great." I thought James was only coming at eight."

"Yeah."

"It's five thirty," she looked at him pointedly.

"I'll talk to you later, Coral. We really have to get going."

He didn't wait for her to answer, instead following the two others out the door. He didn't want to think that he might have to break up with her soon. If he was really that kind of monster… He couldn't put her in that situation. It was way to dangerous.

He didn't want to see James. He didn't want to see the damage. It was so obvious! How could he have not seen it?!

"TV!" he said to the ballerina portrait. She just giggled, twirling around. "TV!" he screamed at her. Her giggles increased. He felt like punching the wall. He didn't have time for stupid pictures!

"They must have changed the password, Moony," said Sirius, looking at his friend with worry. Remus nodded quickly, turning back to the portrait. Changed the password. Right.

"Radio! CD! Computer!" –giggle giggle. Remus stared at her with a determined, insane expression spread on his face. Thank Merlin for the class of Muggle Studies. "Car! Airplane! Telephone-"

"Remus?" the portrait opened, revealing a surprised looking Lily. She looked at them with confusion, holding a quill and a piece of what looked like a beginning of a potion's essay in her hand. "Potter isn't here yet, he's supposed to come-"

"See, Moony?" Sirius, reached out to put a hand on Remus's shoulder. "He's not back yet. And I bet that when he is, he'll come to the common room. So let's just go back and get you some relaxing potion-"

"I AM RELAXED!"

"I didn't say you weren't!"

Sirius backed up. _Danger zone_. Remus ignored him.

"Y-you can wait here if you want, " shuddered Evans. He looked at her straight in the eye, before getting in. behind his back he could practically feel her exchanged looks with Sirius, who just shrugged.

Prats.

He turned around, scowling their way.

But right then, the fire turned green.

_xxx_

_From Sirius Black's POV:_

James looked like hell.

He seemed like he just finished taking a very hurried bath. His hair was wet, and seemed to be… missing some patches. He had black circles under his eyes, which, by turn, were glasses- less and looked like they have something in them. Something sharp, that didn't belong there. His left pant leg was wet, also. But it was definitely not water.

"Hi," James said, looking at his 4 classmates with surprise. His cheeks were slightly redder. Very slightly. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Prongs," jumped Sirius, looking at James with horror. "What- how- who-?"

"That stupid stair," said James, finally getting away from the flames. He was leaning on the wall, trying to look casual. Sirius didn't buy it. Not even close. " Slipped on it. Again. Can you believe it?"

"Where're your glasses? Can you even see anything?" demanded Evans. Sirius rolled his eyes to her. Was that the only thing she was concerned about at the moment??

"They- err, they broke." James swallowed. He turned his back to them, heading towards his room. "Listen, I'm gonna change my cloths before dinner-"

"Prongs, what the hell is wrong with you back?" asked Sirius, looking at the bleeding mess with terror. James looked behind him, and then grimaced.

"I told you. I fell."

There was silence.

"I, err, I think I should go…" said Lily, backing up. She practically run to the entrance, pulling the portrait open so suddenly it screamed. They could all hear her hurrying up to the Gryffindor common room. Her steps sounded like thunder in the impossible silence.

"Now lets try the truth," said Sirius dangerously. Outside, that is. Inside, he wanted to run to James, grab him, and push him to the infirmary, not letting him out of his sight for about a millennium.

"I- err, I fell." repeated James, looking tiny and unsure. _How could this happen?_ Sirius thought. _It isn't Prongs. How could he change so much in such a short time?_

Everyone was so happy about this new James. He was a good student. He was dateable, not stalking Evans anymore. He didn't pull any more pranks. He didn't fight with the Slytherins.

And he was miserable.

He didn't even know it.

"James?" asked Remus suddenly. James turned around towards them, looking guilty. Sirius retained himself of yelling.

"Yeah?"

"During those last few days in school last year."

James looked up, hopeful at the change of subject.

"Yeah?"

"When Sirius was off arranging staff for his flat, and Peter went along with him. "

"Yeah?"

"And it was a full moon, and you were the only one helping me."

"Yeah?"

"Did I… bite you?"

Silence.

Shock.

"No," James stared at Remus, opened mouthed. "No, of course you didn't."

"Are you sure?" Remus looked at James pleadingly. Sirius swallowed. No wonder Moony was so tense lately…

"Yeah, positive," James tried to smile. It came out as a grimace. "You'd never bite anyone, Moony. Never."

"So how come you left on the full moon?" Remus demanded. His eyes showed panic. "How come you came back like- like this?"

James looked down at his deformed figure.

"My step dad wanted me to get home, " he explained, quite, not looking at them. " I thought maybe my mum was… sick, or something. And then I fell on the stairs."

"No you didn't!" Sirius yelled suddenly. "You didn't! Why are you lying to us?!"

"I'm not!" James was looking scared now. He backed up. "I, um, I'm-"

"You're lying! You've done nothing but lie since we got back to Hogwarts! Ever since we met up with each other!" Sirius stared down at the crouched boy below him. He knew he looked terrifying. He didn't care. He was mad enough to kill someone. Maybe he would have, if he didn't feel a hand on his shoulder.

Peter was looking at him seriously, wordlessly passing a message. Peter could do that. He could get them all under control, just by making the sense he always made. Sirius swallowed again, and turned away from James, walking towards the exit.

"Pads…" He heard the weak voice from behind him. He looked down at the floor of the portrait.

"When Prongs is back, you know were to find us."

They left, leaving the once marauder in the empty heads common room.

_**Okay. First, I didn't mean to do that. It wasn't supposed to happen for weeks. But it just… flew out my fingers, I guess. Oops?**_

_**Second, Sorry about Peter being like that. I know a lot of you hate him, but I think that in school he was still a good guy. I have my own theory of why he turned, and you can find it in the small one shot called "that bloody love' on my portfolio. If you're interested enough. Which you probably aren't. lol**_

_**And now for reviews:**_

_Queen Alexander-I'm glad you like the story. There are so many typos on the second half because I wrote that part later, and didn't' have time to spell check and what not. Spelling isn't my strong side._

_Brolly-ann-miller- I like Aly too. She's so alive… powerful and… you know? I'm glad you liked the chapter. Did you like this one? I did…_

_x. by yours truly .x- why do you guys hate Jessica so much? She's a Slytherin but still… oh well. I guess we all hate anyone taking Lily's place, right:-)_

_james- s2- lily- thanks for forgiving me, lol. This is early! Yay!!! _

_Hpisthegreatest- did you expect that? I bet you didn't. I didn't even expect that. It throws off my whole schedule…_

_The-Lily-And-Her-Stag-92- you figured it out! Not everyone did, congrats! Don't you just love Lily? Such deep denial…_

_Gryffincri-this just pushed it to a whole new level of craziness… _

_Lexy Granger-I'm glad you like all my characters! Makes me so proud… but what can James do? His dad is the public's hero… and there will be something else stopping him from telling next chapter, also._

_DogStar'n'LionHeart-155 is a very respective number. LOL. I hope you like this chapter, anyway… :-)_

_librastar-I can't wait either. If I do it right, and it comes out as good as I want, it'll be very romantic… and sad. But I'll say no more. I might write some other category in the future, I don't know. I want to concentrate on the 3 unfinished stories I have, first… (THREE!!!) _

_infiniteternity- thank you! Lily won't wake up for a LONG while. Sorry! ;-p_

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- welcome back! How was India? _

_Dementedtearz- your luck- this is a fast update. 6 days instead of the usual seven. You joined us right in time! (I mean all the readers)_

_Lunababe-I'll tell you. The idea was that James said it, because, you know, he just left, and Remus was thinking about him while reading that book, (don't read if you didn't read chapter yet-) about 'how to tell if your friend's a werewolf'. See? _

_1Malone- thanks for the reviews. All three of them. I'm getting the feeling that you liked the fic? LOL_

_Beck- thanks. I hate when the Internet's down. In my computer, that's about 50 of the time. :-( Sirius won't find out until the next full moon. Like, a day after. I'm not saying anything else until then!_

_**You're all amazing!**_

_**This update was faster then usual. Don't get used to it, though. ;-p**_


	15. Chapter 15

**_Some curse words in this one. As if you care. _ **

_From James' Potter's Journal:_

It's been two bloody weeks.

Two very bloody weeks.

How the hell can everything be so horribly wrong!!?

You know what? I'm not even gonna go there. I'm not. I'm gonna say what happened at my step dad's, and then I'm gonna end this. I'm too angry with… everyone, to write anything else.

First off, this isn't my journal. It's a piece of paper. Journals are overrated, anyway. I'll get me a box, and a key, and put all the pieces of paper in it. That way I'll be able to write in class, too.

Wait. No I won't. Because my _'dad' _said that if I get anything but an O in every class, I can forget about-

…

Well, a lot of things. I didn't get it straight; he was yelling new staff every few minutes, and after a while I was too dazed to notice anything. Something about Quidditch, and Hogsmeade trips, and whatever. Thank Merlin he doesn't know about the map.

Of course, the map is with the marauders. And I'm not a marauder anymore.

But I'm not getting into that.

I _will_ get into how I don't get why he even _cares_ about my grades. I mean, seriously! It's not like he's very encouraging towards anything else I do.

I barely remember what happened after I stopped writing last time. It's all like a messed up dream. He stormed down from my parents' room, slamming the door shut behind him. Walking up to me- no, _marching- _like an angry dragon closing up on a trespasser to its territory. I started moving away, but before I could he was on me, pressing me to the wall with enough force to break a rib. He looked at me loathly, his eyes blood shot and unfocused. His face was so close to mine I could smell his drunken breath.

"You useless piece of shit," he hissed, his face almost touching mine. Before I knew what the hell's going on I was on the floor, all the way on the other side of the room, with him advancing towards me again.

It **_hurt._**

It still **_hurts. _**

And I can't help but wish it to bloody stop.

But he didn't stop. He kept on with it, minute after minute, hour after hour. It was unbearable. I think I started crying at some point. With tears. _Me._ **_Crying. TEARS!!!!_**

No actual… like… cries, and sobs or whatever you call them. There's a limit to how… un-James-ish he can possibly make me go, thank Merlin. I only figured out there were tears when I woke up. They were all over my face, humiliatingly mixing with the blood and the spit. I had to take a shower before getting back to Hogwarts- I was completely covered by sticky substances. (Including but not limited to formally mentioned blood, spit, tears, alcohol, sweat, and, shockingly enough, a fine, incredibly stinging layer of dust that rubbed of the walls, furniture, carpet, and my step dad.) Oh, and glass! Don't forget the glass. I think I'm going blind. I could barely see who was in the Head's common room when I stepped through the fireplace. (It's amazing what you can collect off the floor when you're desperate enough. Do I have to spell out where the Floo Powder was?) Of course I didn't go to McGonagall's office, like I was supposed to- that would have been suicidal. I can't imagine what she would have done if she had seen me, with the blood all over me. Although I managed to hide it pretty good…I was completely red when I got in the shower. And the illusion charms I found in the library before leaving were great. They itched, but the were ok. I'm getting used to itches, after all.

Imagine my surprise to have found not only Evans- (who was supposed to be in her room, not caring about me!!!) but also _all three marauders_ looking at me with surprise, then shock, then… more shock.

They yelled at me. They accused me. The thought I was a werewolf. (Not that that's a bad thing!) And then they dared threaten me!

Now I ask you, why do I even need friends like that? Two weeks out of the last 6 and something years I'm a little off, and they abandon me? At my time of need, too!!! Sirius looked like he was about to hit me or something! Well, guess what! I have enough people hitting me! My step dad, and Evans, and my mum just by not doing anything, and Dumbledore for not noticing anything, and the stupid Ministry for not seeing the wives of this bloody Laurence guy all dyeing in the end of the relationship, and even the people in this stupid school… liking me like this… almost dead…not even James Potter anymore…

Grr.

I don't need any more people hurting me. What am I doing, anyway? It's not natural to stay with things that hurt you. I should just leave this all behind. Just walk out or something. Never come back. Start over.

But then he'll kill my mum.

He told me so. Somewhere in my forced, dazed consciousness, I heard him say it. He'll kill her- I know he will. He wouldn't mind doing it; he didn't mind doing it any of the other times.

He'll kill her, and I'll have no one. Bloody no one. They'd both be dead. Both my parents. I'll be an orphan. And he'll still be my legal guardian. I won't be able to do... anything. Anything at all.

Even Hogwarts won't be an option then. Not after all this.

You know, it's funny. Ironic. To a lot of people, this school is… a school. Just that. You know? For most people, Hogwarts' place of learning; advancing in magic; getting ready to join the magical community. Not for me. For me, Hogwarts is just another name for Home. You might say that that's not true, that my place's with my parents, but it's not. I thought it was, but this is it. Hogwarts, and the marauders. That's all there is to this huge castle, all there'll ever be to it. Home.

And now what am I suppose to do? My dad's dead, my mum's too busy with drugs to notice anything, and a man that won't mind killing me has conquered the house I grew up in. And now, my family in Hogwarts deserted me, I'll be forced to work and do HW in the castle I used to rule over, (so to speak) and I can no longer be… me. James Potter.

I'm James Laurence now.

And if that's not enough, Evans saw me. She saw the blood, I'm sure of it. And she's gonna go right ahead and tell all her friends about it, like the little git she is. And tomorrow everyone will be staring at me. Again.

I really wish I could just go away.

But I can't let him kill my mum. I can't. I won't be able to live with myself. Who can live with themselves knowing they caused the death of their parents? It'll be… unbearable. I'll kill myself a few seconds after.

And you know what else I wish?

I wish I could tell the marauders.

Even if they don't want to talk to me anymore. I wanted to tell them for a while now. While I was in the Manor, too. They've been my best friends for… well, ever. How could I keep this a secret from them?

But I lost my chance. I could've told them before Friday, but with my stupid, bloody fucking pride I didn't. Now my mum's life is in _my _hands. _Mine. _James Potter's. The most irresponsible seventeen year old in wizarding Britain. _I_ have a human life on my shoulders.

Isn't that just great.

Yup. Just awesome.

If Sirius was still talking to me, he would start laughing. Hysterically. He'd love it- not my mum possible death, of course! - The fact that this is all happening- to _me_. Or maybe he wouldn't laugh. Maybe he would try and help. Yeah, probably. Maybe both.

Or maybe he'll just get incredibly angry, and banish me. Maybe he'll stand over me and look at me with all the hate he has for his family. Maybe he'll never want to look at me again. Maybe he won't be able to without punching me on the spot. And maybe he already did that.

Maybe.

This is all wrong. This is all so incredibly _wrong. _

I'm gonna try and drown in the toilet now.

Oh, wait. I can't. Can't kill myself for mum's sake.

_Right. _

**_Oh, such a crappy chapter. And short. And late. Sigh. What can you do… _**

**_17 reviews, though. Thank you all!_**

_lunababe- lol thanks. Sorry for taking so long, but I have been working towards answering you question, making important decisions, too. In about 2 chapters he'll tell them. Or three. I'm not sure, something like that, though. _

_Grotesque Supermodel- Err, I think answering that review will take a while. Um, let's see. Yes, you are hyper. Very. It is Orion; JK said it in some interview or something. I do plan to have something dramatic for them finding out, I just know how I'm gonna do it. Time's running short… and Sirius will feel bad. Actually, you don't even know the half of it… (hint hint) January, huh? Usual updates are **supposed** to be once a week… but I'm taking my time, evil me. Remus is not afraid to get kicked out of school! He cares about his friend, of course! And you're right. Like I said a few chapters ago, you do not want to get on Sirius Black's bad side._

_Lexy Granger- I'm not sure if this made you less depressed, it wasn't that good, but still. I'm not happy to say (or maybe I am… us angst writers… who knows?) that the story will remain depressing for a while. If I get it right, that is. _

_The-Lily-And-her-Stag-92- yes! I got the winning score! All right! No, James isn't a marauder anymore. Or rather, he's been suspended. Only a little more violently, since we're talking about six years worth of friendship, not a job. _

_FlamingThunder- thanks. _

_1Malone- I'm glad you like my fiction. I plan for it to get better during Christmas… but I already said that. :-)_

_Kookies 'n Kreem- Sorry for taking this long. And you're right, the glass thing should have been more noticeable, and centered. I'm not very good at deciding what should seriously hurt and what shouldn't, but you guys need to remember that he did learn a few healing charms during the two weeks in school (he learned his lesson from the summer) and, like mentioned in this chapter, illusion charms. He's not great at them, but they work. That's sort of my excuse. Blush_

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- Great questions. Lets start: a) they did see the glass; there was a little sentence about it in chapter 14. For more info read the replay for Kookies 'n Kreem, right before this one. b)they left him because first, they didn't know he was beat up, he used healing and illusion charms, and also, they (mostly Sirius) were so incredibly frustrated. Think about it, this guys trust James with their lives, all their secrets, always. And here he is lying to them for two whole weeks, hiding things that actually hurt him, etc etc. plus, they're scared for him! They want to get him to tell the secret, and since nothing else works, they have to use… extreme measurements. C) see question B. d) Lily was acting smart, actually. She never saw Sirius so angry, Remus so insane, Potter so… un potterish, pathetic, hurt. She felt a fight coming up, and for once, didn't get involved. E) Remus- very psychotic. He was terrified he might have bit James, and that meant two things; James's a werewolf, and Remus is responsible for destroying the life of his best friend. You're story is great, like I said in all three reviews. :-)_

_Stag star-thanks!_

_hpisthegreatest- he'll tell them right after the second full moon. It's sooner then you think, trust me. does this explain why he didn't tell them yet? This chapter, I mean?_

_Gryffincri- I'm worked up too. Energy all over my body. buzzing. Write, write, write, write… very annoying. The craziness, though, didn't start yet. (hint!!!)_

_The Next Marauder-thank you! His mum completely depressed since his dad died. She doesn't really love the step dad, but she seriously needed someone in her life, and that alcoholic was available. She spends her time in her own little world, where her husband is still alive…_

_Brolly ann miller-thanks. That's wha tI'm aiming for. :-D_

_Advisor dragon- you're right. I honestly forgot about those staff. For me Peter just follows them around naturally. James did fall down, in my head it was already written down!! How could I forget that? Sigh oh well. When and if I rewrite this someday (by the process the fic's been going- yeah right. :-) ) I'll fix all that._

_Whightlight72-ok, two days after you reviewed! How 'bout that? (still late, though…)_

_Beck-I hope you're Internet's better… don't cry because of my story, unless it's about what's in it! lol. Sirius was mostly scared that James's being so distant and unlike himself. He wants his friend back._

_insane-rocker- thank you. I really don't have any former experience with those concepts, though… just what I read, saw, and my own thoughts. I guess this chapter didn't show my understanding too well, huh? It was horrible…:-(_

**_Wow! So many reviews! Such _long_ reviews, too! A lot of questions answered…_**

_**Although this chapter was… well, horrible, I promise it will get better. If I get it right, of course…** _

_HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!_

_Welcome to 2007..._


	16. Chapter 16

_From the diaries of Coral Coriona…_

Diary #14

Entry 7

September 29

The marauders are still not speaking to James.

I don't get them. How stupid can you get? I've been trying to convince Remus to 'repeal the sentence', or whatever they call it- (for a group of friends, they use a lot of technical terms.) -and start talking to their team leader again. But _no. _They have to do it the hard way. September is nearing its end, and the four of them ignored each other for just about two weeks. Enough is enough! What are they trying to accomplish, anyway? None of them is happy about it; I can see that. Black is walking around the school with a permanent frown, and snaps at anyone who tries to talk to him- even Remus. And he keeps giving James those dirty looks. They've been best friends for, like, eternity, what could be so horrible that they'd 'break up'? (So to speak.)

Today I told Remus again. He sighed, rubbed his eyes, and told me not to get involved. I told him that I'm his girl friend, and that I deserve to know what's going on in his life. He told me to back of, the fact that we're together doesn't mean I have to know every puny detail of his life. I left him in the common room, trying to remind myself that he isn't exactly stable right now, with everything that's been going on. It didn't help much. He can be so bloody frustrating sometimes!!!

I also saw Potter in the library yesterday, talking to Jessica. She's the only person he talks to right now, since he basically ignores everyone else. If you think Black's annoyed, then you'd be shocked to see Potter. He seems to be in his own little world, infinitely debating with himself of some questionable question. And he stares at the marauders all the time; I'm not even sure he notices it. Do those four even realize how much chaos they're causing? It's amazing the school's still standing, with all the gossip jumping from wall to wall, going on around the corridors. The female population- already revolving all its resources around the marauders, who just happen to be rather desired as companions- are all over this 'break up'. Rumors are flying left and right, saying the most ridicules things. Like, that James killed his dad and his friends found out, but he threatens to kill them too if they tell anyone. Now I ask you, _what are the chances_? First off, James's dad is a very powerful wizard. Was. Plus, didn't they notice how upset James was after the death? Merlin's beard, we didn't have a good prank since the school year started!

I told Lily she should talk to James. She looked at me like I lost my mind. What's her problem _now_? I'm so confused! What the hell's going on?!?

From Aly Morla's record of school hilarities:

The only reason I'm writing in my hilarities record today is- there's absolutely nothing hilarious about Hogwarts anymore. It's horrible. Ever since the marauders broke up, there are no pranks, no jokes, no nothing. The school is sulking. Even Quidditch doesn't help anymore. Actually, it only makes it worst, with the captain and star beater not talking to each other.

We had the tryouts a few days ago, and it was a catastrophe. Everyone on the team finished school, has problems with classes, or dropped out. It was only Black, Potter and I now, and we needed a new keeper, a new beater, and two new chasers. And Coral said she wouldn't even consider it this year, since she wants to get more serious about the N.E.W.T.s and her schoolwork. I don't get her. She's bloody brilliant; she doesn't need to study!

So we had a few dozen people lines up to try out. Even second years. Who, by the way, can't even fly. And they're tiny. And James was no help, since he didn't even get on the broom. I don't get him, either. What's the deal? Why can't he fly?

We rounded them all up- Black, Potter, and me, each trying for a different position. I did the keepers, with Potter, who was doing chasers, yelling at them from the ground. Black was snapping at the poor souls that dared try out for beaters. I want to punch them both.

Honestly.

I did find a keeper, actually- a little 4th year girl with brown hair and huge, admiring eyes. She can fly, unlike some others that showed up. And she could catch. I also picked the chaser, since Potter was in another world. A world placed on the ground, too. At least Black picked a beater, but I'm not sure about him… he's… weird. He's big, and in 6th year, but still.

That was about a week ago. We didn't have a practice yet, and it's the beginning of October! Next month's the first game! What the hell's he thinking?!?!?!?!

From the thoughts of Lily Evans…

"Potter?"

_what am I doing????_

"What do you want, Evans?"

_He doesn't want to talk. Coral doesn't know what she's talking about. I shouldn't be doing this. This is POTTER…_

"you're doing homework."

"Yeah."

"Since when?"

"Three hours ago."

_That was… funny. Wait. No it wasn't. _

"It's not something you're known to do… or care about."

_Why isn't he answering? Something's wrong…_

"Why aren't the marauders here?"

" I don't know."

_Liar. _

"I think you do."

_Oh, God. I got his attention. Shit. Look down, please look down…. Those eyes… Ahh!_

"Evans, I need to finish this essay."

_What the- Hah??_

_I should say something. No. I should leave. He's… not himself right now. _

…

_Isn't that a good thing?_

…

_I think he's thinking about it. _

_He's certainly not writing his essay, unless it's glued to the fireplace. _

_Not that this means anything. He's still a hopeless git._

_At least now we're on friendly terms. Maybe he'll let me help out on the Halloween dance and all the other projects he's got planned before he messes them up too badly…_

_Where's he going?_

_Oh.  
_

_To** Jessica.**_

**_Hola amigo. Blame my un functioning internet for the update delay._ **

**_This chapter is definitely a filler chapter, just explaining what's been going on. I promise the next one will be a lot better- it has the second full moon in it! (Does that tell you anything? It should...) the girls are frustrated and confused- and Lily is starting to develop feelings to the 'new James', mainly out of pity. But Jessica -(I know you hate her :-P ) -keeps getting in the way. _ **

_**BTW, someone told me they don't like Aly. I can understand why you won't like Jessica, but Aly is not someone to dislike. Mainly because she'll snap at you, but that's kind of irrelevant. You guys caught Aly in a bad time (well, I introduced her in a bad time) in her relationship with Lily. She's a very independent person, and has a fiery personality. She's also very blunt. She knows Lily since way before Hogwarts, and they're extremely close. So, being a good friend, Aly knows when Lily needs to be put in her place. Farther on, when Lily needs her help (seriously needs it) she'll be there, with no sarcastic comments or anything. She's also very loyal and a true Gryffindor. Just saying. :-)** _

_**Reviews: **_

_x. readingthatbook- Of course I recognize you! I recognize all reviewers who reviewed more then twice, and most of the ones that reviews only once. I happen to have a pretty good memory. :-) I'm glad you liked the chapter. I think I could have done better there, but you guys obviously have different style... all for the better! _

_wesayXDtoomuch- Thank you! Wow... I'm blushing like a little girl... :-P _

_Gburghwitchface- sorry for the- err, shortness. Next chapter is 4 POVs... better? _

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- 1.) There is a reason for the extreme beating. It's not just out of the blue. You'll see soon. 2.) His mum's drugs are mainly over dozes of medicine, magical or not, what ever you choose, that she's not really suppose to take. And a lot of them. 3.) Although Lily is portrayed here as a smart-ass teacher's pet, she's still...well, Lily. She hates gossip, like Aly explained, and so she didn't tell anyone. Another reason would be seeing James Potter - THE James Potter so helpless left her in a short of shock, since she can't hate him looking like that. 4.) Soon... very soon... _

_Brolly-ann-miller- you made me feel so much better. :-) Thanks. Next update will be on time- I swear! _

_gryffincri-you're paying enough attention, I obviously don't. I didn't make myself clear: she started with drugs, alcohol, etc. When James's real dad died. That's how she got mixed up with the step dad in the first place- they met at a pub. _

_The-Lily-And-Her-Stag-92- that's a really awesome idea (Piss off Potter) but the marauders, like you mentioned, only suspended James. They're still friends, you know, they're just in a really big fight. (HUGE!) So other then dirty looks, etc, they won't really be torturing him, since they're still waiting for him to tell them what's up. _

_insane-rocker- thanks. And here I go worrying on that I'm writing everything wrong. sigh oh well. Next update is Friday! (Let's all prey...) _

_Advisor Dragon- I have a lot of progression in this story. (If, by chance, we're referring to the same concept of progression. :-P ) I have months planned ahead. Now I just have to feel in the gaps, which is way this chapter and the next basically cover a whole month. _

_kookies n' kreem- thank you! I love intensity... you'll find a lot of it in the story (if I write it right). _

_The Next Marauder-yes, very soon! Full moon's up next!!! (Which is, sort of, important. :-) ) _

_librastar-you better be joking! lol. So yeah. I'm gonna stay away from your wand, for this being so late... do... not... shot...! He has to get emotional... for his to break down and tell them... grinning evilly _

_hermy permy- soon! he tells them SOON...! _

_odelie- I'm updating, I'm updating... _

_stag-star-angst... is... like...err... like pain, and death, and.. You know... terror and fear and darkness... bad staff. Torture, murder, abuse... Azkaban would be a good example of an angst place. It doesn't have a definite definition, I don't think... _

_DogStar'n'LionHeart-like I told you before (let's answer for all the other people reading this... it's a good question :-) ) AU stands for Alternate Universe... like a parallel dimension. I'm glad you liked the chapter. :-D _

_beck- I swear next chapter will be better. This one was... girly, wasn't it? lol. You're lucky to have the library, then, cause the moon is way too far... :-) _

_**Reviews are so fun to answer... like little emails. Love 'em. Reviewers are the best...!**_


	17. Chapter 17

**_VERY COLORFUL LANGUAGE BELLOW!_**

**Remus Lupin:**

"_Boyfriend?" his hand tensed in hers. _

"_Yeah," she whispered, looking up at the sky, letting it flood her small form with light. He looked at her, seeing her unmatched beauty- not for the first time. Swallowing hard, he let go of her hand, turning away… toward the forbidden forest. **Home of monsters, **he thought, hearing something howl deep within the trees._

_There was a long silence, before she spoke again. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice tight with unexpressed emotion. " I didn't realize… you didn't want to. I thought you felt… I'm sorry. "_

_He stared at her for a few silent moments, shock blocking any reaction. She looked at his blank face one last time, before turning away determinedly. _

"_Wait!" he called, her movement waking him from the trance. "Coral- wait!"_

_She looked back at him. Her eyes were wet and her face red from the effort not to cry. He gazed at her from back near the lake, a few feet away. Having no clue what to say. She sniffed, ready to continue her departure. _

_Throwing the danger and the pride together to soak to death in the lake besides him, he closed his eyes, calling out the one sentence all his nightmares centered upon to the wind. "I'm a werewolf!"_

_There was a stunned silence for a few long moments. Remus didn't open his eyes. **Idiot, **he thought desperately. **Of course she'll leave… she'll hate you and-**_

"_So?" she said, her voice tense. He looked up with surprise, seeing her looking at him with her big eyes huge and terrified, yet completely sure in her words. He shook his head, turning away again. _

"_You don't understand!" he said, shutting his eyes once again. "I'm- I'm a monster! Cursed! I can place one of the most… most horrible fates on innocent people just by biting them! I'll never be able to leave a- a normal life, maybe not even graduate! I have an illness with no cure- and in one misjudged moment I can destroy someone's life forever! I-" his knees went weak, as he fell to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. As if he was 5 year old again, learning for the first time his incurable fate from his parents._

_It seemed like hours before he felt her hesitant fingers pressed onto his chest, her hands embracing his body in a comforting hug. Blushing furiously, he looked up at her through a mask of tears._

"_I understand, Remus, " she whispered, looking deep into his eyes. "I understand."_

Remus looked around the dark, silent grounds.

Nothing.

A thin line of smoke drifted from the cabin on the other side of the lake, where Hagrid, the key keeper, was probably finishing dinner in the cold November night. Behind the cabin was the forbidden forest, as dark and intimidating as ever. With sharp, almost wolfish senses, Remus captured a deep hooting from the owlery, far above their heads.

"It's only nine. He'll get here." Said Peter, his voice reassuring. Remus looked at his small friend. He couldn't see too well anymore, the wolf's black and white eyesight taking over. His transformation was only a few hours- maybe minutes- away. And James was nowhere to be seen.

"Wormtail, I won't be as sure if I were you." Said Sirius with bitterness worthy of a true Black. "James hasn't shown too many signs of loyalty in the past_ month_." He emphasized the last word, staring at the ground gloomily. Remus moved his gaze to him for a few minutes, wondering where his once joyful friend went.

He was not looking forward to this full moon.

"Remus?" a voice whispered from the front doors, before which the three were standing. They all looked up.

"Pron-"

Remus saw the pure happiness and relief leave Sirius's eyes. Coral run up to them, lifting the hood covering her face. Padfoot returned to glare daggers at his innocent shoes.

"Remy," Coral came up to him, hesitating before reaching her boyfriend. She looked at him with those huge, violate eyes, unsure how to act.

"Coral, " he said dryly. They haven't talked in days. A few weeks ago, on a Friday in the common room, she informed him that if he won't tell her why they're not talking to James, she'll have to ask the latter. Remus then informed _her_ that he didn't care what she did, that James wouldn't tell her anything, and that she was being a nosy prat. She looked him in the eye and declared that unless he got himself under control, he could forget about going to Hogsmeade with her October 30th, the date Lily decided will be the first trip. Getting angry, Remus told her she was blowing the whole thing out of proportion, that he had his own life and she had no right to force him to do anything. She stared at him. " I do have the right to decide whom to date," she hissed, before disappearing up the girl's stairway, leaving him, red with rage and embarrassment, in the suddenly silent common room.

Now she was looking up at him, shorter then his five feet seven. Her long, light brown hair hung down over her face, her cheeks slightly flushed. He swallowed. She was so beautiful…

"I- I wanted to apologize," she said shakily, meeting his eyes for the first time that night. "You're right, it's none of my business what's going on between you guys. I just-" she stopped herself, before starting to justify her argument. "I don't want you to go through this hating me. " she looked down, blushing light scarlet.

Forgetting his friends were closely watching, Remus gently grabbed her chin, lifting her face to look at him again. "I never hated you…"

She smiled, shyly, looking into his eyes. The stars reflected of her eyes, making them seem like an enchanted new world. He felt like drowning in them, just for the heck of being close to her again…

"Alright love birds, break it up," said Sirius, killing the moment. Remus frowned at him, as Coral's soft lips left his, and extended into a sheepish smile.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Remy," she said, putting the hood back on, and hurrying back into the castle. Remus stared after her longingly. At least _something_ was going right…

"Remus, hate to blast your babble, but it's late. Prongs' obviously not coming tonight, and we need to go; the moon's rising. " Remus looked at Sirius absent mindedly. The moon. Right. And Coral, too afraid to join them every time…

He remembered the day he told her. It was fifth year; they have been dating for a few weeks. She asked him to be her boyfriend, tired of waiting for him to ask her. They were in the lake, staring together at the almost full moon…

"Remus! Remus!"

"I- what?"

Sirius was looking at him with bitter impatience. "We need to go!"

"Oh. Right." shakily, he followed the other towards the whopping willow, still deep in thought.

So deep in thought, in fact, that he didn't notice- like he normally would have in a full moon- a lone, 17 year old boy looking at them through a window in the tutoring room.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

"James?" she looked at me with those mesmerizing blue eyes, her now completely blond hair tied back with a red ribbon. I looked up from the Halloween plans, seeing her staring at me with a strange look filling her usually calm face.

"What?"

"Tell me what's going on."

I leaned back on my chair, signing heavily. _Not again…_

So, yes, I realize I didn't write in a while. But trust me, you wouldn't have wanted me to. All I've been doing for the past few weeks is sulking. Sulking and sulking. And of course, doing homework and studying like I'm _supposed_ to.

Which was just _so _much fun.

Maybe I should ask to join the teacher's pet club. Evans'll be happy.

Something is seriously wrong with the school nowadays. I mean, you'd think that these people could survive a few weeks with no pranks. Or laughs. Or dates. Or fights. And bad Quidditch. And-

I'm going to stop now.

But- really. What are they going to do when we- the marauders- graduate? Come on! It's only a few months away…

I guess they're getting their practice done or something. Whatever.

But this isn't why I got to writing. Let me clear things up a sec.

So Quidditch try outs are done. Of course, a few minutes before everyone got out to the field, I realized I couldn't fly. Why? Cause my leg is sitting wrong. Don't ask me what that means exactly- it's just wrong. So I had to conduct the choosing from the ground. Which was _so _effective. Morla ended up choosing both Chaser and Keeper, leaving me to feel extremely stupid and… annoyed. With my helplessness and everything that's been going on.

Then there's Sirius. Who, like I knew he would, isn't backing down. My last hope of the marauders giving in died tonight, when they left for the full moon without me. Which never happened before.

Not including, of course, last month.

I was in the tutoring room at the time, working with Jess. She's been very… err… supportive (?) through all this. Very. For the last few weeks, she was the only person I could talk to- the only person that I could actually _trust._ Not like everyone else, pretending to be sympathetic. (Or worst: actually _being _sympathetic.) I really don't see how she can be a Slytherin- she's so bloody understanding, compassionate, sweet. Where's all that pureblood racism we keep hearing about? Although she _is _competitive… and clever. Extremely clever.

I think I'm in love.

Again.

But this time I'm serious- I swear! Jess's the real deal. I like her; she likes me, for real, and… yeah. The only thing on the way is that stupid 'thing' keeping her from dating me. Which could be, theoretically, anything.

That's why I made the deal with her tonight. To find out what's stopping her obvious emotions. So maybe, together, we could fix it, and then- then we could date! Really date!!!

(All right, everyone, give me a break. I'm a hormonal 17-year-old wizard, who hasn't been playing Quidditch in a while. I can be hyper if I want to. Right?)

The only thing I have to do is-

Tell the marauders. The truth.

I already told Jess, so you'd think it'd be easy to tell my three best friends. But you, (who ever _you _are, now that I think of it) never saw them this last month. They hate me. I already lost hope we'd ever 'get together' again- it's just so… unlikely. And it's not just dirty looks, I mean, I can stand that- they're _ignoring me! _I'd rather they yell… scream; hell, I'd rather they beat me out or something. But this… is… _nothing. _As if I don't even exist anymore.

And now I have to tell them. Because- well, because I want to date Jess.

No. That's just my excuse, isn't it? I want to tell them. I want to so bad I just don't do it. Which makes _so_ much sense.

I better get going, then.

Maybe a letter will break it better to them.

I _really _don't want to be there when they find out.

_Really. _

**From the thoughts of Lily Evans:**

"Tell me what's going on."

_Bitch. Why do you think he'd tell you? If he doesn't tell the marauders, then you're really a-_

"It's complicated."

_Way to go James! I mean Potter! Now dump that Slytherin already!_

"Life is complicated. I'm sure I can handle it."

_Yeah. Right. Like he's going to fall for that. _

"Me and the marauders are having a… disagreement. "

_Ok. Everyone knows that. He's laughing at your face, you prat. Telling you only the obvious. Clever. _

"There's got to be more then that. It's been a month, J. "

_J? What kind of a nickname is **that?** What does he call you? J#2?_

"I don't want to talk about it."

_Well isn't that obvious. I told you, you bloody little Slytherin, Potter'll never tell you what he doesn't tell-_

" I think you should tell me. I'm not going to tell anyone- you know you can trust me. "

_Trust **you? **You're SO funny. _

"I… Jess…"

"Please?"

_Like I never tried that before. Potter doesn't listen to manners, git. _

"It's no big deal. I just won't tell them something they want to know, and they're mad. "

"And that thing- it's big. "

"You can say that."

"I see. "

_No kidding. You didn't know that?_

"I think you should tell them. "

"What?!"

"James, you know you'd have to tell them eventually."

"No! I-"

"What are you afraid of?"

"I…"

_Come on Potter… tell her off already… since when do you let people order you around? You're James Potter, bloody hell!_

"I… don't know."

"If you will, I'll tell you why I won't date you."

_Oh, come off it. _

_Why aren't you saying anything? _

_You can't seriously be considering it!!_

"Promise?"

"Of course!"

_What are you smiling for! You shouldn't be smiling! Stupid bloody bitch-_

"I'll try."

_You cannot be serious! It can't be that easy! I could have done **that** years ago! AHHH!!!! Why do you want to date her, anyway? She's a Slytherin, a wannabe, a smartass, a-_

"Lily? I need to go."

"Coral- did you hear him?!?"

"Hear what?"

"He's gonna tell the marauders!"

"Tell them what?"

"The truth!"

"What truth? Lily, you're making no sense. Can you take over with Mel for me? I need to go and talk with Remus a sec."

"You're getting back together? That's great!"

"Yeah, I hope so."

"Good luck!"

"You too."

_Good luck? With what?_

"So as I was saying, Jess, an animagus form- lets pretend I had one for a sec, and it would be, theoretically speaking, a stag- would allow me to transform…"

_Oh._

**Sirius Black:**

The huge, black dog looked up at the rising sun.

The full moon was not entirely gone, but his friend, the wolf, had already begun showing human characteristics. The acute sense of smell was replaced by color vision, and his eyes lost their insanity. Remus Lupin was ready to transform back.

The black dog looked at his other friend, the small rat sitting on a fallen, dying tree branch comfortably, looking at them with glossy eyes. It squeaked every once in a while; supporting an idea it had for the old piece of parchment lying before the three. The black dog grunted at it, and returned his gaze to the sky. It would be daylight soon. They'd better get back.

With a loud huff, Padfoot grabbed the parchment between his teeth, and started walking towards the whopping willow. Wormtail, the rat, was far ahead, freezing the violent tree solid. The trio stepped through the hidden passage, into the depths of the underground house.

By that time, the sun was high in the sky, and the wolf began whimpering in pain. The whimpers soon grew lower, more of a grown boy then an animal. Padfoot looked at Wormtail, nodding his head seriously, before starting to change shape- faster then the wolf, which by then has lost most of its fur and teeth- into Sirius Black.

"You ok there, mate?" he said, supporting the unstable Remus, who was lying on the ground, eyes wide, breathing heavily.

"No," said the latter. "I can handle it."

"That you can, Moony," Sirius smiled tiredly. What they need now is a long rest.

"How are we doing on the map, then?" asked Peter, looking at them from the bed. "Any progress tonight?"

"What do you think?" Sirius turned to the wall. "We can't figure out a password for the new secret passage, or were it goes. And none of us knows how to get to Hogsmeade through the shack, although we can see it from both ends, and that's what we've been trying to figure out since before summer! Prongs had an idea, but…"He looked down. The shack, the shrinking shack, was a popular tourist spot in Hogsmeade village. It was also the house they were standing in at the moment, built especially for Remus, as a werewolf. Sirius kicked a stray piece of furniture, not meeting his roommate's eyes.

"We need to straighten this thing out with Prongs, Padfoot," Remus stood up, looking at his friend seriously. "It's getting out of hand. "

"We can't! Don't you get it? If we don't make him tell us, he never will!"

"It's been a _month_, Pads. Time to let go. "

Sirius turned away. Remus didn't get it. No one seemed to get. Yes, he missed James. Yes, he hated being mean to him. Yes, he'd much rather letting it go, getting back his best friend and going back to how things were before.

But James wasn't Prongs anymore. He spent most of his time with the Slytherin girl, and he never even introduce her to them- his best friends. He did al his homework, studied for tests, and didn't go flying every evening like he usually did. He wasn't stalking Evans anymore, and he wasn't- wasn't James.

Sirius didn't want James to tell him what was wrong. By then, he didn't care. All he wanted was his friend back. He didn't want to see blood tickling down a wounded leg again and not get any explanation for it. He didn't want to hold his friend's shoulder and have feel how incredibly messed up it felt under his fingers, with the muscle structure not the strong mess he was used to, but a bloody, diluted one.

And even worst- James was an active person. Much like Sirius himself, James couldn't stand not doing anything. He needed something to occupy him. He had so much packed energy in him, that if he didn't do anything about it he would get upper hyper and insane. Not only did James not do almost any sport to get ready of that energy since he got to Hogwarts, he wasn't getting his usual hyper self- as if he had other things gulping on his energy. Other things like healing himself from… what?

No, Sirius didn't care about James' secret. He cared about James- Prongs. About him being pushed aside by this new person, and his own helplessness to do anything about it.

Except wait. And hope Prongs- not James, Prongs- _his_best friend- would come to his senses- before it'll be too late.

**_It's late, I know. I was sick. Sue me. _**

**_I hope you liked this chapter better then the last. Next one is- you guessed it- they find out! (Finally!) _**

**_As for my incredibly supportive reviewers whom I thank endlessly: _**

_gryffincri-this was late, so you don't have to get me that present. :-P I'm glad you're ok with last chapter... not everyone were :-) _

_NotxSoxSirius7-i'm sorry, I already have most of the story plotted out... but if you have other ideas, I might be able to get them in. giving you credit, of course. :-) My version of how the marauders finding out has some... slight... similarity to yours, if it helps. I'm glad you like the story! I like it too... :-P _

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess-yes, it was a hint to review! Of course! lol. Coral obviously knows about Remus's condition, as shown in this chapter (did that just for you!) and by the marauders having technical terms, I mean that they are very... lets call it... organized in their friendship. Or seem to be. They have a rulebook, both written and unwritten, they have special dates were they always make impressive pranks, like the first prank of the year, the last prank of the year, (which we will be seeing eventually) etc. they probably the greatest friend anyone can have, but they have their organization in the whole affair. For example- rule # 1 is no secrets. to the marauders, and this story, it's very important. Most of their rules are similar. I do watch law and order, but not Scrubs. What channel is it on, anyway? _

_hpisthegreatest- reviewing isn't a requirement, reading is! lol. I'm glad you like the story- disturbing? Thank God. I've met my goal! Yesss! _

_infiniteternity- I love my characters. :-) They're my kids, in some... deformed way. The once I create, anyway. You people aren't allowed to hate them!!! lol. _

_hermy permy- yeah, Lily's concerned alright- not that she'd admit it. She's sort of having this contest with Jessica (complete with a lot of name calling) that she won't admit to anyone, since she wants James, and won't admit that, either. _

_x. reading that book-I hope you did good on your project. What was it about? Don't you hate homework? So unnecessary... although this chapter wasn't that interesting either, it was better then the last. (Well, nothing could be worst, can it?) Hope it wasn't entirely boring. _

_gudrun-wow, thank you! What compliments... God, I need to stop blushing so much... :-) thanx _

_Super-JuJuBean-23-thanks! I do my best... :-D _

_kookies 'n kreem- ok- yes, the glass's out of his eye- of course it is! Sirius will realize what a prat he's being next chapter, indirectly his dad WILL make James go back home (indirectly) and yes there is James! Yes there is angst! It was just a filler chapter:- _

_The-Lily-And-Her-Stag-92- ok, you can hate Aly. I give up. (You people... are... grr. lol) at least you like Jessica- that's something. You probably saw more of Lily's jealousy in this chapter; I hope I didn't over do it. (Don't tell my parents I wrote that.) Sorry, Peter's a marauder... but not for long. I have an idea of how he turned... you guys are NOT gonna like it... then again... _

_librastar-oh, not the tarantellagra curse! RUN!!!! lol. I was planning a Quidditch match, cause it won't really help the plot, but maybe as a filler chapter at some point. Thanks for the idea! _

_stag-star- I hate vocabulary. I never use it. Sigh I hope this chapter was better. Still filler, though... so frustratingly necessary, those are... _

_beck-thank God! Someone liked it. Wow. Thank you SO much. You're awesome. :-D _

_Maethoriel- Thank you! _

_EnlightenedKing-this will actually be a James OC, but only for a while. It will stick to cannon awhile later. Better then nothing, right? (You'll probably be the only one that won't kill me if I get James a girlfriend. sigh) _

_DogStar'n'LionHeart-I promise to follow canon; making sure Lily and James end up together. But Jessica isn't that bad... I solemnly swear! _

**_And with that… I shall departure with the following statement: _**

**_We have a date! Who else already bought it?!?!?! _**

**_Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows! July 21!!! _**

****


	18. Chapter 18

**Sirius Black:**

"Black!"

Sirius turned around. The common room was empty, most people having left for breakfast already. But there was a girl sitting on one of the many red couches, looking at the trio with relief.

"There you are. I've been waiting for you guys to get here forever."

Sirius exchanged looks with Remus, who looked at Peter, who shrugged. The three stared back at the black haired seventh year coming towards them, holding on to some parchment.

"Close your mouth, Black, you don't want bugs getting in there. It's not _that_ surprising that I'm talking to you."

"Alyson Morla, talking to us? Not surprising? Have you hit your head on something?"

"Shut up," she threw at Remus, who was grinning wildly.

"I think your wish is coming true, Pads," added Peter, an identical smile spread on his disproportional face.

"Shut up," Sirius said as well. Realizing that, he quickly added, "It was second year! I was young and foolish."

"Not much have changed, " Aly said dryly. "Look, I don't have all day. Potter came in a few hours ago and asked me to give this to you guys. "She held out the parchment, allowing the boys to eye it carefully. "I didn't touch it, mind you. Scary to think what one of you lunatics can put on an old piece of paper. " Starting to whistle nervously, Peter hid the Marauders' Map behind his back. "He looked worked out about something, if you care. I think you should talk to him. He's obviously making a move towards you guys," she added, seeing as they didn't say a thing, or take the folded parchment. "Look. Lily and Coral are waiting for me downstairs, and I need to try finishing my transformation essay before class starts. I have a life of my own, and would appreciate getting back to it. If I were you, I would take this letter or what ever it is, read it, and get to Potter before he gives up on you guys."

"He gives up on us? What are you talking about? He-"

"Black, listen to yourself. " she said, her voice softening. "Potter doesn't exactly need you lot. He has his new little girlfriend now, and Merlin knows he can get as many friends as he wants, with his connections in _and_ out of Hogwarts. But you guys- the four of you, including Potter, are The _Marauders_. You're supposed to be inseparatable, remember? What ever it is setting you apart, fix it. You don't want to end up old and alone, regretting this stupid fight until the day you die."

There was a short silence, before Sirius started with his infamous, lunatic laugh. "Great speech, Morla," he said. "Maybe you should make a career out of it."

Aly frowned at him, threw the letter in his face, and turned to leave. Remus caught her arm at the last moment.

"Thanks," he whispered, smiling at her gratefully. " Padfoot's an ungrateful git, but you just helped him out of depression."

Aly blinked at him, before nodding slowly. "I'm not making a habit of it," she warned, before leaving through the still open portrait. A small smile was clearly visible in her usually cold face.

Remus straightened up, looking at Padfoot disapprovingly. "That wasn't very nice, Pads." He said.

"If you sill think I'm a nice person after all these years, Moony, then Coral really is getting to you," Sirius didn't look up, pretending to look out of the window. "I don't like Morla, and she doesn't like me. It's been that way for years. End of story."

"You liked her in second year," reminded Peter. " I remember you guys smiling at each other every time-"

"Like I said, I was young and foolish." Sirius said, looking at Peter pointedly. The latter chuckled, coming to sit next to his friend by the fire.

"Did you forget, Pads? Aly was your first girlfriend, no? First kiss, too…"

"Moony, I swear, if you don't shut up I'll-"

"Alright, alright. Open the letter already."

There was an awkward silence as Sirius played with the parchment in his hand.

"Padfoot?"

"Hmm?"

"The letter won't open itself. "

"Are you sure? Cause Prongs' a pretty clever guy… revenge is not a new word in his vocabulary."

"Isn't that nice. Open the letter, Pads. "

Visibly reluctant, Sirius started unfolding the tightly folded page in his hands. It toke him a frustrating amount of time.

Once it was open, the three looked at it in astonishment. "Wow," said Peter, looking at the long lines of ink. "When did Prongs become such a writer?"

"Probably at the same time when everything else about him changed. " answered Sirius bitterly. "Come on Moony, get to it."

Remus took the incredibly long letter in his hand, clearing his throat.

'_Mr. John Laurence has had 6 wives in his 43 years. He first married at the age of 23, to the willowed wife of the late minister of magic, Maggie, whom he met at a pub she was visiting in her depression. Maggie had three young children at the time- a 7-year-old son, and two newborn twin girls. By the time Maggie died of mysterious causes, three years later, the son found his way to foster care; one of the twins was dead, and the other staying at St. Mango's Hospital, having almost drowned in a lake near the house._

_Mr. Laurence had grieved awhile for his lost family, and found it necessary to donate half the fortune of the late Minister to the ministry, retrieving the rest to himself. _

_A year later, he got remarried, with a willowed woman named Annie, once wife of the late Quidditch player, the very famed captain of the Chudley Cannons, mother of two little boys…_

_The four following marriages followed much the same lines. The ministry, Quidditch association, Office of muggle rights and many other famous organizations received large donation from this strangely rich and unlucky man, who just kept losing wife, after wife, after wife, each dieing the very same method as their late husbands, each meeting him at a pub in mid depression, with young kids, who never seemed to make it to the age of eleven and go to Hogwarts…_

_Now, in his seventh marriage, Mr. Laurence is facing a new challenge… a seventeen-year-old son. Who's away most the time, unlike his former stepchildren. What ever is going on in the house is no longer as tight lipped as before, unless the said teen is kept at a short leash…_

_A leash covered in blood…_

Remus looked up. Sirius was standing at the fire, holding a can filled with green powder.

"Lets go."

**From James Potter Journal:**

I gave the letter to Alyson Morla, a kind of awkward thing to do, since she's Evan's best friend since before first year. The marauders will be back in a few minutes, and I'm going to wait for them in the great hall, eating breakfast. They should be there any minute, and I really can't wait. I didn't realize how much I wanted them to find out! I can barely stand still, and have already hit my leg on a very painful wound a few times. What are they going to do? Yell awhile, I bet. A long while. Then they would ask me what exactly the letter meant. I didn't write it out too obvious, of course… I gave them all the facts they could have gathered already themselves. I don't want my dad finding out about this. Last month someone wrote something in that new newspaper… the Quibbler. He went wild- that was when he called me home, during the full moon.

But this time it'll be different. This time it's the marauders, and Remus is with them- he won't let them do anything really stupid. He's Remus, after all… Perfect and all that.

Not saying that I trust Dumbledore's choice in any of these high positions.

I'm head boy, aren't I? Me, James Potter…

And Remus's a marauder…

Oh.

Yeah. I've seen his wild side.

Crap, what if he doesn't stop them from doing something stupid? What if…

What have I done?!?!?!

---

Came back from breakfast. Marauders not there. Morla said she left them in the common room 15 minutes ago. I don't think they're there anymore.

Where's the bloody Floo powder?!!?

**Remus Lupin:**

"Ahh!!!!"

Remus was violently struck to the wall. A huge figure loomed over him, sadistically laughing.

"This is rich," said John Laurence, raising his wand once more. Thick ropes jumped out of the thin wood, binding the already hurt seventeen-year-old to the furniture around him, locked in place. Peter was already caught in a similar position a few yards away.

"Now why won't you boys explain to me what you're doing ambushing me in my own house?" asked Laurence, advancing toward Sirius, who was crouching behind the sofa.

"This isn't your house! It's James's!" screamed the young Black, his eyes burning. "You're just a bloody-" he was slammed to the dinner table with one quick wand movement from the suddenly raging man.

"Why are you here?" he yelled, pinning Sirius to the wall with another curse, suffocating him. "Who sent you?!"

"No one sent us," Remus called, looking from the insane step dad to his helplessly wiggling friend. "We heard some rumors…"

Laurence looked at him, his light gray eyes menacing. "What kind of rumors?" he demanded, lowering his wand. Sirius collapsed to the floor, fighting for air. Remus looked around for inspiration, finding none in the disturbing living room.

Most of the furniture was broken from the recent battle. Feathers made traces on the dust-covered ground, escaping pillows by the hundred, as old coal from the fire spilled on to the dirty, unkept carpet. The walls were splattered with potion ingredients, food spilling, and old blood. Remus feared that he might know where the blood came from.

The once lived room was at ruins. The house they all remembered spending so much time at during holiday vacations, selected weekends, and emergencies was no more. The pictures, beginning from the Potter's early marriage, to their growing son, and later to his friends, were crooked, hanging pitifully from unstable nails, unrecognizable under thick layers of dust and dirt. Various magical pests found a new home in the untouched curtains, which in turn were pulled shut, forcing the once well-lighted room into deep, unnatural darkness.

_How could we not know…_ came the inescapable thought, as Remus stared around the destroyed house his best friend had to live in for a full summer.

Suddenly, Laurence roared, kicking a near by chair. "Answer me!" he screamed.

Remus turned back to him. He could see Sirius trying to stand up behind him, raising his wand, a spell already at his lips.

"Sirius- don't-!" he was too late.

"incendio!" called the heated teen.

Laurence's already dusty robe was immediately set on fire. The man stared at the flames blankly for a moment, before bursting in bone chilling laughter.

"You've got nerve, child," he said, waving his wand over the robe. "Aguamenti. A great spell, too. Set on the wrong person, I'm afraid."

In an instant, the casualty disintegrated from his voice. His eyes widened, as he began moving to face the frozen Sirius.

"Crucio!"

Then, everything seemed to happen in one single instant.

Sirius flinched, recognizing the Cruciatus curse from prior experience in his own family. But the pain never came. The fire burned suddenly, blurting a dark haired boy from its green flames. Peter shrieked with surprise and fear, as Remus yelled in panic. Laurence started laughing insanely.

The next minute, Sirius opened his eyes- to see his best friend, James Potter, squirming around on the ground, the unforgivable curse hitting him full force.

**_I won't be updating for a while now: testing. sorry... :-(_**


	19. Chapter 19

**Sirius Black:**

_---Sirius opened his eyes- to see his best friend, James Potter, squirming around on the ground, the unforgivable curse hitting him full force. ---_

The world seemed to stop.

_No…_

"James!" Remus was fighting at his binds, trying to get to the screaming boy twisting unnaturally on the ground. Sirius, who was staring at the very same image, frozen, suddenly woke up. He looked up to the see the man casting the Cruciatus curse. James's step dad looked back at him with a nasty grin.

"Stop!" Sirius called, falling on his knees by James. "STOP!!"

John Laurence laughed. "I told you, kid, don't mess with what you don't understand…" the spell grew stronger. James let out a blood-freezing scream, his eyes closing in pain.

Sirius looked around helplessly. He had dropped his wand without realizing it as James jumped in front of him, and the long stick was now lying on the stained carpet a distance away. Sirius made a lung for it- only to see it kicked away by Laurence. "None of that, " said the step dad, his wand still pointing to his supposed son. Sirius's wand rolled away, only stopping as it hit the hearth.

Sirius looked back at James.

"Please stop!" he called again. Remus let out a frustrated scream, pushing and pulling at the tight ropes. "Please!"

Laurence laughed again. James yelled in pain, twisting away from Sirius. The latter crawled to his friend. "Please…"

With one finale effort, perhaps locking into the latent wolf instincts, Remus threw off the ropes, coming to a stand, breathing hard, near the table by which he was tied. Ignoring Peter's cry of help, the maddened werewolf advanced towards the lunatic step dad, unnoticed by the still crackling father. Remus raised his wand, his dark blue eyes narrowed in concentration.

"Notrio Packero!" he yelled. Immediately, Laurence was pushed away by the spell, hitting the opposite wall forcefully. Remus hurried towards his two friends, both of which were on the ground, about three yards away.

James wasn't moving. He was breathing hard; his eyes still closed shut. Sirius was crunched besides him, looking at Remus with horror. Remus nodded at his friend encouragingly. Both looked back at James.

"You never read the end of that letter, did you?" croaked the still trembling teen, opening his red shot eyes to look at his friends accusingly.

"Guess not…"

"Behind you!" Peter screamed. Sirius looked up, to see Laurence standing above Remus, his wand in his hand once again. He jumped to his feet, staring at the madman fiercely. The horror was gone, replaced by impossible anger. This… creature- he took James away! _He_ was the reason for the distance- the change! The pain and the blood and… Prongs… dieing, slowly, with no one in the school paying any attention…

…With the marauders pulling themselves away…

"You son of a bitch!" he called, staring daggers at the staggered man before him. "You-"

"Shut up!" a jet of blue light hit Sirius on the shoulder, making him yell with pain and surprise. He pressed a hand on the heavily bleeding wound, looking at Laurence with hate.

"Reducto!" Remus called. The step dad quickly developed a shield, blocking the spell before it did any damage.

"Incarcerous!" He called. Remus tried repealing the ropes, with no effect. He as again pushed back to the wall, bound tightly. Sirius suffered much the same fate, pressed to one of the dust-covered sofas. Laurence looked at the three struggling boys, breathing hard. He then returned his tiny eyes to the striving to sit James.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," said the step dad. "But didn't I tell you _not _to tell a _soul?!_" James yelled with pain as another stream of light left a deep cut across his chest.

"STOP!" Sirius wrestled with his ropes, panic and hysteria taking over his mind. _James… Prongs! _ "He didn't tell us! We-"

"Silencio!" Called Laurence, never lifting is gaze from James's bleeding figure. Sirius, though he kept moving and screaming things, was silent. Remus and Peter exchanged panicked looks, but said nothing.

"_You are my son," _Laurence advanced towards James, sending curses at the weak teen with every step. "_Whether you like it or not!" _He finished with another powerful crucio, which forced James to a corner. Sirius was getting out of control only a few yards away, twisting to impossible lengths, trying to get to his best friend.

The marauders didn't hear what was said next over James's screams. It was obvious the teen did, though, since although he was still under the crucio, he suddenly stopped yelling.

"You are _no my dad!!"_ with a tsunami of wand-less magic, Laurence was pushed to the opposite wall, hitting various sofas, chairs, and tables on the way. James, with shocking energy not predicted on someone so severely injured, jumped up, grabbed Sirius's wand, and turned back to the dark figure that was his dad for the past three months.

He raised the wand. His hazel eyes were burning, staring murderously at the man he came to hate like no other.

Coming closer, he looked down at the unmoving Laurence, who stared at him with almost equal hate.

"And you'll never be," he whispered, so only Laurence could hear.

**Remus Lupin:**

James turned around. He waved Sirius's wand in the direction of Remus, Sirius, and Peter, quickly freeing them and lifting all other curses Laurence had cast. Walking briskly, with out looking at any of them, he headed to the fireplace, where he began searching for left over Floo powder on the floor and in surrounding cabinets.

"James?" Remus looked at his stiff friend, hesitate. "Are you ok?"

James stopped in mid-movement, looked at Remus right in the eye with enough anger to make a point, and continued his search. Remus exchanged looks with Sirius, who didn't yet move from the dusty couch where he was forced to sit during the fight.

With the battle over, and John Laurence unmoving near the wall, a distance away, everything seemed to slow down. The adrenalin attacking all their bloodlines for the past couple of minutes was thinning, as the four boys were finally given the chance to breath normally, their hearts struggling to decrease the frequency. The room was suddenly exceptionally quiet.

"Prongs…" Sirius walked closer, biting his lip with nothing to say. Remus closed his eyes with frustration. How could he be so _stupid?!_ Great idea- going to battle a 40+-year-old wizard, that had connections in the ministry and years of studying behind him! What were they _thinking?! _Oh, he knew what Sirius was thinking. Nothing, that's what. Sirius never was a guy to think twice about doing anything. But him- he was a _Perfect! _One of the best students in his class! Most trustworthy! Most _responsible_ of all the Maunders! How could he let this happen?!?!

In front of him, James has found some gray powder spread on the ground, and began piling it up silently. He looked like he really wanted to say something, but remind tight-lipped. Sirius looked at Remus and Peter, helplessly. None of them knew what to say next.

"Here," James's voice was a hoarse croak, crackling loudly from all the yelling. "Use more then you usually would. It's more dust then Floo." He turned his back to them, stepping away. The hearth was open for their use. They exchanged looks again.

"Mate, you can't blame us," Sirius said suddenly, his voice more pleading then convincing. "We didn't know it was this bad…"

James looked at him sharply. Sirius backed up a step, surprised by the hurt in his friend's eyes. But… no. It wasn't their fault!

He stepped up again, returning James's accusing stare with an equally accusing one.

They stared at each other for a while, competing at who'll give up first. Neither was backing down.

Suddenly, James's face broke into a sad smile. "I know," he said, before collapsing on the ground, pressing a hand on to his side.

Which was still heavily bleeding.

_**ok. like I said, not a lot of time to write- that's why it's so short. Though all the feedback from last chapter helped motivate me to write this much at least...**_

_**I decided to start answering reviews through e mails. people seem to think they tak eup to much space of the chapter. (?) don't ask me what that got to do with anything.**_

_**hope you enjoyed... ;)  
**_

_**  
**_


	20. Chapter 20

**From the diaries of James Potter:**

_White. Everything white. Blinding, silent, impossible white… like a blank world… all white…_

_Wait. There are people. Dressed in white. Their face, cloths, hands… white. No, not all of them… there's red. Lots and lots of red._

_Blood?_

_Blood._

_And noise. Suddenly there's noise. Everywhere and anywhere, all at the same time like a wild dragon roaring with all its might. _

_But no fire. No, no- it's cold. Freezing. Inside and out._

_Screaming. I hear screaming. Where… who's screaming? Why?_

_People… crowding. Around me. Pushing, shoving, yelling at each other. I can't breath. What's going on? Why are they touching me? Their hands are like burning coals, rubbery and hot. Don't touch me! Stay away!!!_

_And then there's nothing again. Only white. White walls and floor and white everything. I can only see this blinding, painful light, and hear that whirling siren in the distance…_

_People aren't screaming. It's all silent, quite, weird. Where is everyone? Where did the people in white go?_

_Someone is touching me. They're pulling me up. But I don't know what's up and what's down anymore. All I know is this horrible, silent white…_

_I'm up. I'm standing. But I can't feel the floor under my legs. It's like I'm not really there, but here I am. _

_Someone is talking to me. Screaming. I can see her lips moving, the tears escaping her eyes in great dozes. Her dark brown hair is wet, and there are more red marks all over her hands, face, robes. She's holding my hands, looking up into my eyes. Her white teeth make me squint. Everything's too white…too bright. She's screaming at me again. I can't hear her… can't hear… anything. People are still running around me, touching me. Their touch burns like coals…_

…_and suddenly everything goes into focus, and I can hear it all once again. The yelling, screaming, crying… the-_

"_He's dead!" she looks at me with panic, screaming at the top of her lungs, hysteric like only a wife can be. "He's DEAD!!!!!!"_

I woke up alone.

It was dark. At first, I didn't know where I was. Going form the deafening noise of the nightmare to this silent, unending darkness brought sweat to every pour in my body. I tried moving, but every time I tried, waves of pain attacked what seemed like every vein, nerve, tendon, and blood vessel in my current system. Which, unfortunately, seems to be of a much smaller quantity then it used to be.

I guess my fumbling, groaning, and whatever other noise I was making in the darkness (I'm told there were panicked screams to the angel of death) woke the healers up, 'cause before I knew what was happening a pair was standing above me, looking at me with stable eyes. They were wearing white, which consequently made me shut up.

"Jack Holden?" I heard. Who the bloody hell's Jack Holden? I blinked up at the man, who was bold with extremely light eyes. It helped the overall sensation of fire intensify. "Can you hear me?"

Of course I could. I wasn't dreaming anymore… or witnessing my father's death all over again. Of course I could hear him.

Then again, realizing this to myself, and telling that to the healer were two entirely different things.

I made a voice that could have been passed as a cough. Of a snail.

By then I knew better then frowning. The healer, on the other hand, nodded in satisfaction.

"Good. " he said, smiling at me with reassurance. "Good. Now, Mr. Holden, your brothers brought you in to St. Mungo Hospital in London. You were attacked by Death Eaters. You-Know-Who's followers. I understand you were touring Britain's forests as a… school project?" Forests? Death Eaters? What was going on? And what brothers!?

My blank expression went unnoticed, or ignored. The healer took out a clipboard, and smiled at me again. It seemed unbelievably fake. The woman besides him was staring at me openly, as if I was some kind of a freak.

"I'm Molly," she said, blushing as she noticed me returning her rather rude glare. "Molly Weasley. I'm… new. " Like that helped me any. And since when did Weasleys have daughters? My eyes wondered to her hand, where she played with a silver, not too expansive ring, pulling it on and off nervously. Oh. An in law.

The healer was nodding absent-mindedly. "Yes, Molly, just a moment. Mr. Holden- you have been under a Cruciatus curse, we have been told, and quit a few other cutting and beating ones, although these will be dealt with by a mid-witch in the morning. Our main concern right now is the unforgivable- I'm sure you've heard of it in school sometimes. They do exist in the United States, I heard. These will have a much longer effect on your body… and mind, in the worst case. Have no fear, though. We will fix you up in a matter of weeks. "

Ok, Mr. healer, here's the problem.

WEEKS?!

"Now another matter is a few older wounds we found… everywhere on your being, Jack. We have reason to believe that-"

There was a long, piercing sound that came from the healer's robe. He looked down at a little mirror tied to his belt, and paled.

"I'm going to have to leave you in Mrs. Weasley's care, Jack. And I'll see you first thing tomorrow. "

And with that he left.

And I was left alone with the redhead.

My heart was pounding so bad it hurt my already pained ribcage. Weeks. They were going to keep me here for WEEKS. And I didn't even know what the hell's going ON! What was I doing in St. mungos? What is all the talk about Death Eaters? Who's' Jack Holden, and why was that redhead staring at me like that?!?!

She was still there, sitting on a stool next to my bed. Her eyes pierced into mine with a glare that was no contrast to the nervous, naïve, and embarrassed behavior from before. Suddenly, just when I thought I'm gonna fall asleep from boredom, she leaned in closer to me, her eyes narrowed.

"You're not Jack Holden."

_**From Alyson Morla's record of School Hilarities:**_

All right. So here's what _I_ think.

School isn't generally a place where you'd expect to find funny things happening. I mean- for the entire world, it's a place of learning, right? Get an education an all that crap. And even the student body is not very funny, complete with its idiotic fights and insult matches, as well as stupid mistakes and accidents that send my friends off the path of the sane with hysteric laughter.

No. I don't think _those_ things are funny- not at all.

So why did I start a record of school hilarities?

The rumors.

Well, sure, I keep writing all the other staff down 'cause honestly, it is worth a giggle here and there when I'm upset and trying to cheer up, which, of course, is why I started this recorder in the first place. But the rumors- that's the real deal.

For example, a few years ago there was a rumor that Severus Snape was spying on girls from behind those oily locks of his. The marauders especially were delighted to tell anyone who'll listen how 'that slimy git' spent hours on hours almost invisible in his unpopularity, staring at the bodies of the less dignified ladies of Hogwarts. Those who take the time to make sure their robes are open just enough to reveal a little chest.

Or, in the worst scenarios, a little _more_ then _enough_ chest.

And so, for the next two weeks or so, the lone Slytherin's yellow skin would turn bold red every time he walked by a group of girls. The latter s, in turn, would scream and shout and start gossiping the moment he came into view, pointing and laughing and hitting each other on the head. It was hysterical. Potter once did a complicated transfiguration spell (which we just learned to complete last week in class, which should tell you something about his skills in that particular subject) to look like Snape, and walked across the grounds swearing his love to every girl that looked at him. And some of the boys. Sure, he got fifty points deducted from the Gryffindor house, but who cares? It was one of the funniest afternoons of my life.

And it's all thanks to the rumors.

Hogwarts and rumors are truly in-separate-able. Seriously. Even though it's not a real word. Secrets travel faster then light- and it is proven, folks! It's a fact! When the head boy and girl broke up last year in the middle of a thunder storm- he told her off at the crack of lightning- people were already talking about in the other side of the stands. People, it's magic- and not the kind we learn in class. Hogwarts might be a huge castle located in the middle of nowhere- but 'private' is not a word spoken openly around here.

So you'd understand why the second I heard James Potter was missing, I quickly sprang into action.

See, I'm not Lily. I don't think rumors are lies told by bored people that no one should listen to since they aren't worth the time. I think rumors are lies told by bored people who actual know what happened- and are worth _all_ my time, if I know what questions to ask.

And that, my friends, is how I found myself looking up to Sirius Black's unusually grave face as he was reaching out for a book in one of the dusty shelves of the library.

"I heard Potter's missing," I said bluntly. He blinked at me as if just realizing I was there, his gray eyes unfocused.

"Huh?"

I signed with impatience. "Potter, Black. James Potter. He sent you a letter… remember? I gave it to you this morning. And then you lot skipped all the morning classes and lunch. And now the three of you are back, and Potter's somewhere else, although he's the only one of the marauders to have made it to breakfast, from which he was seen running out of after scanning the house tables for a few seconds. He run to the heads room and almost gave Lily a heart attack when he bumped into her and knocked all her books down, not even stopping to apologize. He went through the Floo system to "Potter mannor" if the Ravenclaw helping Lily with her books heard correctly."

He stared at me, his mouth slightly opened. I looked at him triumphantly.

"You got the school wired, don't you, Morla?" he said, looking back towards his book. '_Healing charms, spells and potions_' it said in bold silver letters.

"I listen to gossip, " I informed him openly. " and I use it. I don't repeat it though, so don't even go there." He let out a grim bark-like laugh.

"You're something else, Morla, you really are."

"So, " I said commandingly, once I realized he wasn't about to give away anything else freely. "What were you doing in Potter mannor?"

"None of your business," he told me, meeting my eyes as he stepped onto the ground, having just reversed the levitation charm he put on himself to get the upper shelves. "And for someone who doesn't repeat gossip, you sure do seem nosy."

"I _am _nosy, Black. "I agreed coldly. "Like some other people I can think of." He frowned at me, though it didn't really reach his eyes. "Why won't you just tell me? I'll leave you alone if you do..."

"You'll leave me alone anyway, Morla, if you don't want the wrath of the marauders on your case. I don't think we had any pranks done this year… Wanna be first?"

I smiled at him sweetly. "With Potter missing? I can handle that."

His frown was real this time. He scowled at my cheerful expression for a long moment, before moving aside and walking around me, leaving the conversation hanging. Signing with annoyance, which isn't a very uncommon thing for me to do, I turned around and followed him.

"Come on Black, you're acting like a bratty little kid!"

"Look who's talking!" he shot back. Fighting not to roll my eyes, I completed the few meters of distance between us in a quick trot until I was walking besides him, trying to keep up with the angry stroll.

"You know I think?" I started, talking in a happy tone I know was driving him mad. " I think you just want me to chase you. " he ignored me. I smiled. Did I ever mention how much I love challenges? "Yup. You wanted me to chase you ever since that night we were stuck together in the broom closet on the third floor. You were such a horrible kisser back then… probably not much better now, huh?" his mouth has disappeared, living a thin line in its place. I had to run to keep up with him now. "Oh sure, you say to everyone that it was just a joke- but you and I both know that you'd do anything to get me in that broom closet again-"

"Shut up Morla!" he said suddenly, making a sharp turn. Another smile from my side.

"Then tell me. "

"Alright I will!" he stopped suddenly, and I barely had time to stop a rather painful collusion from my surprise. "James was touring Britain's forests as a school project with his three American brothers after the four of them came from New York City to do just that when a group of death eaters found them snooping around their headquarters completely by accident and started fighting and so Jack got hurt. Happy?"

I looked at him calculatingly. "So Potter's in St. Mungo because you three were being fools again?"

"Huh!?" he looked at me with such a disbelieving look it was comical.

"Hoped I wouldn't follow that, did you? Tough luck, Black. I, unlike you, am not stupid. You read the letter, you found out what's been begging Potter, and you went to get it. Got in trouble, and he came to save your asses- only to get hurt himself. How extremely Gryffindor of him." and I meant it, too. Not many people would do that. Wonder what Lily would say if I ever told her what a noble friend "that bloody Potter" really is.

Black stared at me, and then started shaking his head. " You know what, Morla?" he said at last, after a few minutes of silence. "Maybe I really _should_ snog the life out of you one of these days. " he wasn't smiling. "Just to get that ugly smile off your face. "

"Let's see you try," I smiled. Yeah, like he'd ever do that. Like he'd ever have the guts.

If Lily thinks Potter's bad, she never went near enough this idiot right here.

When I came back to the Gryffindor common room, I heard a few girls whispering in one of the corners.

"I heard Lily Evans took him to an underground chamber no on knows about and locked him there with her, to rape him!"

I haven't stopped laughing since.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

I stared at her.

She stared right back.

I made a noise that was supposed to be an answer, but probably sounded like a group of banshees trying to sing. I looked at her demandingly, anyway, making sure to act as American as I could.

What ever _that_ might mean.

She shook her head, making a red tress fall from the tight bun of the nurse uniform. "You're James Potter. You were there in my seventh year- one of the most idiotic first years I ever met."

The marauders and I… we do have a reputation.

"But you aren't stupid," she kept going, coolly looking me up and down. "Hyper, maybe, but not dumb. You wouldn't go to a forest alone unless you had a good reason."

I looked at her doubtfully, trying to look like I had no idea what she was talking about. But moving my face kind of felt like… err… hell.

"Plus," she added, her frown deepening, "your so called brothers didn't seem hurt at all. Why would Death Eaters use the Cruciatus on one victim and barely touch the rest?"

At that point, I was starting to catch on to what was going in. I remembered falling by the fire, so that means my friends must have panicked and brought me to the hospital. They acted smarter then I ever thought they could and didn't tell anyone about my step dad… but invented this stupid cover-story that we're brothers and… American?

I wish I were there to see their faces.

Molly Weasley seemed to be done with her speculations, since she started moving about, doing what a nurse's actually _supposed_ to be doing. I refined form wincing as she expertly pulled back the covers that had me confined before, revealing a bloody mess I couldn't possibly compare to the muscled body I used to support. Molly didn't seem too bothered, though, and quickly began cleaning out the red liquid, which turned out to actually be a number of layers of stained white bandages (not that they had any white left on them anymore) which my nurse replaced by new ones. That didn't help much; since I could already see the red making it's way out, in unstoppable little streams…

"It will take a while to heal, " she explained, catching my slightly ill gaze. "We would have healed it magically in seconds, but healer Roxver isn't sure how the Cruciatus had affected your system. If it bothered the muscles tissue any, magical assistance would only make it worst. "

I blinked as an answer, which left an awkward silence hanging between us. She coughed, taking out a few potions from a drawer in the nightstand, and sat back down. "Do you even remember me? " she asked, obviously trying to make conversation. Well, I wished her luck. It was bound to be very one sided. "I was head girl… not a Weasley then, of course. " she giggled, a sound that didn't fit in the dark silence. "And do you remember Arthur? He was the Gryffindor Keeper for three years… not captain, though he always wanted to be one. He asked me to marry him a few weeks after we finished school… you know how it is, with You –Know –Who up and about… can't wait forever, can we?" she smiled sadly. I fought the urge to nod with agreement. "The wedding was on my birthday- I'm 28, by the way- not too fancy, but it did have all my family and friends in it. And Arthur's, of course… the Weasleys made a majority, that's for sure…"

Even though I wasn't sure why she was sharing all this private information with me, I have to admit, that low, caring voice was putting my to sleep just great. I found myself interested in that wedding of hers. I don't really remember Molly Prewett. My first year was one of the busier of them all- with new friends, new classes, etc. Arthur Weasley I did talk to on occasions, though. Sirius and me tried to find as much as possible of the older Quidditch player, who had the opportunity to go pro.

"Though I would like to have a big family," she admitted, starting to rub a purple potion on my unbandaged left arm. I noticed a nasty cut stretching from my elbow to the base of the thumb. I didn't even feel it… "I had three older brothers, you know. The only girl in the house, for all my life… and obviously, marrying a Weasley won't help much break that, would it…" she chuckled merrily. "With that supposed only boy curse form the 19th century. But I'm learning to leave with it, you know? I'll love what ever comes…" she looked down at her belly, her eyes losing their happy spark. "Arthur and I… we've been trying. But… it just… doesn't work. "

She seemed deep in thought after that, and said no more. Even if I knew what to say to that, I wasn't able to. Not with a nonfunctioning mouth, anyway. Her silence, however upsetting, gave me time to think. I was finally starting to realize something.

I'm a marauder again.

It's great, isn't it? Well, that's what I thought the moment I realized it, too. But then, as the quite kept up, I started digging deeper into the situation. With my friends knowing about my secret, things will go back to normal. Or will they? I can already hear Remus trying to convince me to go to Dumbledore, or the ministry, to complain. He'll say they'll be able to protect my mum and me from that maniac. But Remus doesn't get it… mum _married _him. He has every right to do whatever he wants to do with me. Wizard families can do whatever they want to their kids… just take Sirius as an example.

And even if I _was_ able to make a complaint, the ministry's too biased to do anything. Why do they think no one said anything before? Half the gold in the minister's account came form John Laurence. And a few other organizations that might get involved. He's not stupid, that step dad of mine. Not at all.

Then there's Sirius. Sirius knows first hand what it's like to be abused by someone at home. He knows how futile it is to fight it… legally, anyway. You know, a lot of people look at Sirius like a little kid and a teen's body. His idiotic jokes and pranks and whatnot never earned him much respect in anyone's eye… but like I said a few times before, my foolish friend has a spilt personality. Leaving with those horrible parents of his for sixteen years drove him mad, I'll tell you that… he knows a hell lot of dark magic, and how to use it. And although he'll never use an unforgivable, he won't hesitate to point a wand at my step dad, now that he knows what to look for. He's the best field fighter I've ever met, and can keep his head cool and level during a battle. I have this hunch… that the second I'm out of the hospital he'll start talking about revenge.

And then there's Peter. Who's a great guy, really… not a great fighter, or that clever, with a horrible memory, true, but strategic as hell. Wormtail's the kind of guy who'll get all the facts straight first, and then pull out a plan that could possible challenge Alastor Moody's. If I told Peter everything I know about John Laurence, the guy will be bleeding and in Azkaban in a matter of days. But of course, even I don't know who're Laurence's allies in the ministry. Or out of the ministry. Sirius won't be the only one thinking of revenge then.

The thing is- I don't want to mess with this guy. Once I leave Hogwarts I won't have to see him again in my life. When I get a job, I can get an apartment, like Sirius, and even tap into my parent's account once I'm twenty-one. And I can convince mum to leave him when I'm done with school…if it's not too late. Fighting him form Hogwarts- even with the marauders on my side- is just suicidal.

Yes, I'm scared. Call me a coward, but I'm not planning to give that bastard the satisfaction of winning this struggle before I'm ready for him.

A few months ago I started this journal, and I said I want to die. Then I said I wanted to forget everything and just get things back to normal. Then I realized how lost I've become thanks to that so-called father of mine.

Guess what?

I'm not confused anymore.

Cause guess what? I _want _to grow up. I _want _to get a job. I _want _to find a wife, and have kids and leave till all my hair fell off and my hands shake so bad I can't hold a broom. I _want_ to read bed night stories to little kids who'll look at me like a god not because I was James Potter- the luckiest guy in Hogwarts- just because I'm dad, granddad, or great grandfather._ Me_. I want to see little Potter attending Hogwarts, flying broom s and chasing girls.

I want to live.

**From the Thoughts of Lily Evans:**

"Aly!"

_I don't care where he is. He could be dead for all I care. That arrogant little git…_

"What's up Lils?"

_So American… though she _was_ born in Georgia. Do they have a magic school in Georgia?_

"I… um, did you… hear anything… about… err, Potter?"

_He could be hurt… dieing… or in some kind of danger, somehow… he looked really panicked when he tripped me… wait! I don't care!!!_

"Why the sudden interest?"

_Oh… you little- I can see you smirking! Stop that! I don't care!!!_

"He's got Head duties to take care of."

"Oh?"_ why is she looking at me like that? Does she know something I don't?_

_Well, of course she does. She knows where Potter is._

"Well, let's see. " _you wipe that smile off your face, Alyson Morla…_ "Hogsmeade weekends' are all planned out until after Halloween, and the party's almost completely done, if Jessica Norman was telling the truth. Coral said the prefects' jobs were passed out last Friday, and the tutoring room is over crowded with tutors with no one coming for any tutoring… what duties could you possibly be talking about, Lily?"_ Oh… aren't you SO SMART! I hate when you do that! If I knew who your source was, they won't live to see tomorrow…_

"And yet, we still have a lot of work to do for the… err, Halloween dance. The decorations aren't that great. I knew Norman couldn't plan anything to save her life… do you know where he is?"

_She can tell I'm lying. She can _always_ tell when I'm lying. Why does my skin has to turn so red?!!_

"He's not in Hogwarts. Black said he's at St. Mungo's."

"What!!? Is he all right??"

_Quit with the smirking!_

"I mean… what… how'd he get there? What… what did he do _now?_"

_Huh! Perfect cover- if I do say so myself. That little git can never stay out of trouble for longer then a few minutes… prat…_

_Hi, she's not smirking. Do I see sincerity in those eyes? Well, there's a first time for everything, I suppose…_

"Lily, you're my best friend. I love you; I really do- like the sister I never had. And I tried dropping as many clues as I could, but you're just too. Bloody. Stubborn. James Potter doesn't have to become your boyfriend if you don't want him too. I promise you, on my broom, that he won't force you into anything. And if you don't want that kind of relationship with him, then fine. But you don't have to be so mean and prejudiced! "

"I am not prejudiced!!"

"Aren't you?" _no! _"Then why did you curse him last month? He never asked you out, and you just-"

"But he was _going to! _It was a prank! He said so himself! And he's just that great a liar that he was able to fool everyone into thinking it was _my _fault!"

"Lily, listen to yourself!" _I can hear myself just fine, thank you!!! _"If it was a prank, do you really think the marauders would have been able to be so shocked? Do you seriously think Remus would have agreed to miss the first classes of the year for a prank? Face it, Lils- you messed up. And- no offence- but you started hating him because he never apologized to you in first year. Well, guess what? Neither did you."

_Don't you turn your back on me, Aly!_

_Even though, you might actually be right… _

**From James Potter's journal:**

Molly Weasley stayed with me until I finally fell asleep around two. I woke up again hours later, in what seemed like late afternoon, feeling so much better I could have probably laughed. It turned out that my muscle tissues weren't so hurt from all that Cruciatus that went on the day before. I could see that all the potions last night helped ease the pain a little, though the cuts and bruises were still there. The again, I was used to them.

Healer Roxver came in at noon, and told me the mid-witch has been over, and took care of the more immediate wounds. The bleeding was stopped once everyone was sure no farther damage would be made, and most of the wounds on my hands and legs were cleared. They were still worried about my head, which happened to have been hit a few times too much in the last few months, and some areas near the heart, where, as everyone knows, the Cruciatus concentrates, but over all my stay should be a lot shorter then they first thought. Only a month or two. I still couldn't talk, since something was wrong with those little speech cords or whatever they're called, so I wasn't able to tell Doctor Roxver exactly what I though about his 'resolution'. But now, a full week later, I can write here that I thought it was-

Know what? Never mind. I don't want McGonagall catching me writing staff like this on paper.

So, yes. Obviously, healer Roxver has underestimated my will power… and my determination. Hi, I'm not a Gryffindor for nothing… with Molly Weasley's kind nightly support and about twenty different potions an hour, I was up and about in less then 48 hours.

Well, not really. I still couldn't move anything, since my muscles were still too weak at that point, but I could finally talk, and concentrate on things for more then five minutes. (A deed I was never able to do in my life, but healer Roxver was happy, so why not?) I kept progressing- pushing my self way beyond the limit. I couldn't imagine how long I could keep the cover up, even with my face all covered with scars. Molly Weasley figured it out, and once the staff in Hogwarts gets too worried, I'll be on the cover of the daily Prophet in seconds. I even tapped into my magical core to get faster healing. It's not the best way, I know, and basically just drains the magic out of you and doesn't really heal anything- only making it hurt less- longer. But I _had_ to get out of there.

I don't like hospitals. Too much white.

And now, a week later, I'm still not aloud out of bed. The marauders are acting better then I thought they would, and haven't been over to visit yet. I can obviously move my hands, and am not too weak to write or anything. I do have an unimaginable amount of nightmares lately, but I think it has something to do with this white room I'm in. I'm not gonna get into that here. I'm trying to get my legs to work now, so I can go to Hogwarts. They call it walking lessons, which is embarrassing in new levels, if you have to know. But I'm doing good. I'm doing good.

I might be out of here in a few days.

Then what?

**_I'm late! I know!_**

**_and I left you in suspense and the chapter's confusing and not that great and I bet it didn't meet your expectation... I just had this impossible writer's block and with school work and all those tests and everything and I didn't have enough time._**

**_this is by far the longest chapter, though... be happy!_**

**_a note- I know Molly Weasley didn't go to Hogwarts with the marauders- ever- but it just sort of fit, you know? she might actually be important to the plot, I didn't decide yet.  
_**

**_ what I did decide is very disturbing. I've been giving this story a lot of thought, and the romance is coming up soon... some very harsh subjects I'll write about in the future... a few people will die- but we will stick to cannon, folks! we will!  
_**

**_I've been eating too much sugar lately._**

**_hope you enjoyed..._**


	21. Chapter 21

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

It is dinner right now.

The ceiling above our heads is clouded and leaky, the rain outside almost overcoming the talk inside the Great Hall. Almost. The fires are burning full blast, and everywhere is lighted by the angelic glow and warmth. I'm sitting here, next to Lily and Coral, eating this warm meal with everyone else in Hogwarts. I can see the Professors chat nervously in the head table, girls around the hall- the Gryffindor table in particular- looking at the three marauders, who all seem to be way too quit to not be planning something.

I'm in full view of the Slytherin table, where most guys are looking smug, happy, encouraged. The Quidditch season is coming up- first game, Gryffindor against Slytherin. And we are missing the captain- our star chaser- James Potter.

It's been a long while since anyone has seen Potter last. When he first disappeared, I admit, I was the only one to take it seriously. And Lily. And Jessica Norman, who's now sitting with her green and silver decorated housemates, looking worried and depressed. Everyone else thought- _thank Merlin. The first prank of the year- finally!_

But now, two weeks later, the ministry is starting to get suspicious. It has gone too far, even for the marauders…a missing student- for fourteen days now- and there's a war going on…

Well, welcome to reality, people. Good morning. It's about time.

There's a ministry official sitting in the staff table. Umbridge something or other. She has a notepad, and is staring at everyone sweetly. (Yeah, right.) Writing notes. What is there to write about a few hundred teenagers eating dinner, I'll never know. A waste of money is all this women is- and she's so incredibly fake, it's amazing. And she has the nerve to try and hide it by the most unconvincing 'sincere' smile I've ever seen in my life.

Disgusting.

The most aggravating thing in the whole situation is that it's so incredibly obvious the marauders know exactly where Potter is. I know where he is, too. St. Mungo. A few days ago Remus came up to me to ask me not to tell anyone where James is even if they ask me. (Black was standing behind, rubbing his head that Remus must have hit after hearing what he told me. A crude attempt, but might actually manage to knock some sense into that buffoon…) I told him straight out that I don't like lying to people. (I prefer to call it 'fooling' people.) But I'll do my best.

Now, if anyone would have simply _asked _me to tell them where Potter was, I might have dropped a hint or something. But would they? Of course not. Because they are all-knowing Professors, and don't need help from silly seventeen year old girls who think they know what's best for everyone.

So I didn't say anything. And Potter remains in St. Mungo, healing from whatever injuries he got from whatever silly trouble his friends got him into. Which would explain why the marauders are so unhappy lately. It's their fault, obviously.

But isn't it ironic? The whole situation? Not exactly funny, but still… in a sick sense… and I mean _sick_… and not very… like… nice and all…

I was considering telling Lily. I told Coral, since I knew Remus would tell her anyway. (And if he didn't, then they have issues.) But when I came up to my first British friend (I was born in the US, by the way, moved here at eight and six months) she was ranting about how he's putting everyone on look out, just for another stupid prank, and all her usual ranting which she simply _refuses_ to quit with.

I turned right back out the common room.

But I'm starting to rethink that decision. I mean, looking at her, all depressed, playing with her food… frowning… you'd think she actually _cared_ about Potter's well being…

…Which of course she does. Just don't tell her I said that.

See, Lily's problem is that

_-Aly?_

Lily Evans! Do not write in my journal!

_What? Headmaster Dumbledore's talking. I can't talk over him!_

Yes you can! You can whisper! Ever thought of that?!

_What are you writing?_

Don't change the subject!

_Is that a diary?_

No! Lily, stop, before I take away the quill.

_I have a bunch more in my backpack._

Why is your backpack in dinner?

_Why is your diary in dinner?_

It is NOT A DIARY! It's a recorder of- Lils, this is none of your business.

_I don't see what's wrong with a diary._

It's not a diary!

_Coral has a diary._

Really? Where is it?

_Aly! You're not going to read someone else's diary!_

What do you think you're doing right now?

_I'm talking to my best friend, silly. It's a real storm out there, isn't it?_

You're impossible.

_Thank you._

_You'd think you were **mad **at me, Aly. _

I'm not mad at you. I'm playing along with your idiotic games.

_What games?_

The games you've been playing ever since Potter stopped stoking you.

_Not that again… Aly, Potter is just my teammate. We're head boy and girl, and that's the end of it!_

Ok.

_You don't believe me._

Nope.

---

She's gone. I can see her looking at me from the corner of her eye, pretending to be eating the potato salad. She should know better then to try to spy and me.

Some storm it is. The clouds are a thick black, with lightning stripes running through them like snakes. Not the Slytherin kind, the cool kind. And the rain is gradually changing to hail. I can here it outside, banging on all the windows…

Boy, what lightning…

**From the fantasy of Jessica Norman:**

The Prince entered the castle at the crack of thunder.

All the people of the land were seated around the four tables, talking intensely amongst themselves. The Prince has been missing for fourteen sunsets; everyone wanted to know what's going on.

Princess Jessica was sitting by the Silver Table of the Snake. Uninterested with her fellow students, all of which live alongside her in the kingdom of Hogwarts, Jessica looked up at the sight of lightning, intently listening for the thunder.

It came a moment later, and with it the Prince stepped inside, his hazel eyes behind locks of raven black hair looking tired, yet shining with joy.

The Prince. Prince James the Great.

The Princess found herself standing, looking at her Prince with heart-warming relief. He was back from his journey- the journey she has set him to, not realizing the great danger awaiting him. He was back, alive and well… back to her, and back to his people- the People of Hogwarts.

There was nothing the Princess wanted more then to go to him and hug him- kiss the life out of those sweet red lips. But the thought of her father- King Joseph the Muggle-pulls Princess Jessica back down to her sit. No. She can't be with her Prince- he was a Wizard.

The tears threaten to escape her eyes as the Prince's Knights- Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew- stand to welcome him with excitement and joy. The Princess looks away.

No…

**From Alyson Morla's record of School Hilarities:**

James Potter was standing in the entrance.

His hair was wet, his glasses flooding. The black robes were glued to a body that was way to lean to be healthy, while his wand was held tightly in his hand, dripping water like the rest of him. He looked around nervously for a while, before adopting the usual Potter-ish expression- the one we haven't seen since April, sixth year. Before his dad got sick.

His eyes swept across the shocked-into-silence crowd of teachers, students, and toad like ministry officials. He lingered on the Slytherin table, possibly searching to meet Jessica Norman's sky blue gaze. Then moved on to the Ravenclaw table, then Hufflepuff, skimming them quickly, finally landing on Gryffindor. His eyes seemed to relax somewhat, and he quickly found his staring friends near the end of the table.

"American?" he said, a hint of a laugh stealing into his voice, smiling broadly. Boy, how long has it been since we saw this guy smile? Too long, even for someone as uncaring as yours truly…

The marauders were up and by his side before anyone could see them moving. The reunion was almost comical- the hugs, the uncertain smiles growing big enough to threaten a dragon's. I couldn't hear what they said- they were joking about something, laughing and talking and yelling all at once, chuckling all the way through with twinkles generally belonging to Dumbledore shining in their eyes. I felt Lily give a sigh of relief, and couldn't help but giggle. God, I'm such a sucker for happy endings…

And suddenly, lightning strikes- and the marauders are gone in the blinding light, replaced by a group of animals… a wolf, a dog, a rat, and a stag, jumping around the great hall with such a joy which was never found in this old castle since the days of the founders.

Could it be?

Nah.

Could it?

**_And it's finished._**

**_What, seems too easy? I can see how you'd get that... a happy ending, right? The marauders will stop James from ever going back home... and all will be well. Right?_**

**_No._**

**_Worry not, you angst lovers. The next few chapters will be all mushy mushy happy happy (jealous jealous) but like I said, this story has character death in it, and I'm planning on short term cutting (that's for you, Black Blood Dragon Goddess...) biting (any Remus fans out there?) loss of sanity, broken hearts... and a lot of kisses. (It's angst/romance, people, get used to it.) _**

**_ Just you wait. in a few chapter...  
_**


	22. Chapter 22

**Sirius Black:**

"Hello boys. It's been a while."

The old headmaster's eyes twinkled merrily as he looked down toward the four boys seated before him. Sirius noted the smirk fighting its way in Dumbledore's face, pushed away by the formal requirements of a punishing adult. It has been a few months since they had sat like that, the four, together, in his office. Way too long. And it was getting to all of them.

It felt good.

"So… Mr. Potter," said Dumbledore. "Where have you been for the last couple of days? The student body missed you."

"Did you miss me, Professor?" asked the teen innocently, looking up at his headmaster with a childish expression on his face. Dumbledore smiled.

"Immensely, Mr. Potter. But I'm afraid that's not exactly an answer, is it?"

James looked at his friends, sitting around him like protective bodyguards. Sirius, who chose to sit on his right, looked at him encouragingly. Prongs was a master of cover stories. His skills had got them out of more detentions then anyone could remember, including the strict Professor McGonagall.

He would get them out of that one, too.

Sirius was looking around the room while James placed the finale touches to the story in his head, fixing his facial expression to fit the plot. Remus was moving uncomfortably besides him… and no wonder. They have all been on edge since that fateful night, two weeks before. James had sent them that letter, and they just… lost it. Him and Peter- they could handle something like that, they lost their cool twice a day- at least- but Remus was… Remus. Losing control for Moony was every full moon, when he became the exact opposite of who he was… his greatest fear, really… a monster.

Losing control- losing his calm- even for that short while after they read the letter and jumped into the fire, not thinking at all- even that pushed Remus into danger zone. Or so the unlikely werewolf thought. In all honesty Remus had stayed the most cool headed during the fight with John Laurence… James's _dad_… apart from that insane moment when he _saved _them all…

But that was Remus. Over worried about every little thing. Or big thing. And soon enough, he'll talk about it, and they'll be able to tell him how ridicules his fears were… because, seriously. Moony? Dangerous? Please. He wouldn't hurt a fly- even as a wolf he was one of the… tamer… of the bunch.

Sirius returned his gray-eyed gaze to his recently returned best friend. In a spectacular show of his unbelievable acting abilities, James had already lost his innocent expression, his face transforming into a trying-to-hide-the-guilt-sadness-and-pain-I'm-actually-feeling face that usually worked on Dumbledore… usually. His eyes seemed lost, and his voice had a hidden quiver in it.

Like Sirius's perfect fake accent, Remus's story supplying, and Peter's… well, Peter's hidden intelligence behind his clumsy, goofy, silent mask, James also had his special talent. The marauders, like any good friends, knew their advantages and disadvantages, and in a way- completed each other's faults. Remus, the exact opposite of James and Sirius's craziness, could get them to complete assignments and study for tests with little to no problem. In turn, James and Sirius were able to get their lonesome friend away from the library and on to the Quidditch pitch, or, more likely, the ES- the marauders' headquarters. (Of sorts.) Peter just got everyone relaxed and calmed high spirits… giving them all sense when they went over the edge. But that was Peter… quietly pushing each of them… somewhere.

Said boy was currently sitting on his hands, seeming interested in what James was about to say. Whatever the story, and no matter how exaggerated it may be, it will do to get Dumbledore off their case. James was no idiot.

"Err, you see, headmaster, um…" James looked around the room with eyes glazed by uncertainty. "When my… dad… when he was sick, me and my mum were always in the hospital. But we never got to see him. Because he was… contagious, you know? And even after he died, they won't let us near the body… even in the funeral- he was in a locked case. The body, I mean. I never felt like I really…got the chance… to say goodbye."

Dumbledore gave James his full attention, looking at the upset teen with a fatherly smile. James looked at his shoes, scratching nonexistent itched all over his lower legs. "The funeral was public, too… say goodbye to the famous Potter auror and all… me and mum- we couldn't just… you know… really do anything. We had to keep appearances and all." Yeah, that's the Potters. Always on the main list of the media… rich, powerful in the government, and involved in just about everything. That was the one thing Sirius didn't admire about James's life. Before Mr. Potter's death, of course. "And after that we stayed home for those few weeks to just let it sink in and all, and then with mum marrying Laurence… and while I was trying to get used to _him, _at the same time as my dad being gone, and my friends…" he looked at them sideways. "Unavailable… I really didn't have a chance to… I don't know. Just go to his grave and say… bye."

Dumbledore nodded his understanding. "So that's where you've been? In the graveyard?"

"Pretty much. " James still didn't look up. Sirius almost applauded. That was one of the better performances, for sure. " I stayed in the near by pub, and later just went home for a while… mum didn't seem to mind."

"Very well. I won't take off points, but please, Mr. Potter, let us know next time. "He smiled at James trustingly. Sirius saw a flash of guilt cross James's face, but it was gone before he can make much of it.

"Yes, sir."

On their way out, they could all feel the Headmaster's eyes on their backs.

Great performance or not, Albus Dumbledore was no idiot, either.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

Hospitals are very tricky to get away from.

_Really._

But you have to be able to do the impossible when you're desperate.

Or bored.

So incredibly, undoubtfully, inescapably _bored._

And believe me, I was.

But boy, it was hard. And I'm considered pretty good at this breaking out places. Those healers _are _good.

First of, they warped this strange kind of bracelet (_bracelet, _people, _bracelet!!!)_ on my arm, magically designed to start beeping loudly whenever I got to far away from my room. So the door was out of bounds- at least until I would have had specific permission from my healer to go to the bathroom unguarded… and the latter made it clear that _that _wasn't gonna happen for a few years now.

I don't like hospitals. Too much like prisons, for my taste.

Anyway. My bracelet got me caught no less then five times while I was trying to escape- _**five**_. No matter what spell I put on it, or how hard I worked on cutting the bloody thing. It looked like paper- but it had an enchantment on it. Indestructible, I think.

Well, I guess they never made marauder-proof bracelets at St. Mungo…

Just incase Padfoot ever gets his hands on this journal; I won't write how I did it. Society won't be able to face the consequences. But let me tell you- coughing potion mixed with a little pain drought, spread over a silver knife under an invisibility charm?

Powerful stuff.

The second I was out of the door, after making sure no beeping emitted from anywhere, including the ashes on the carpet, I run as fast as I could to the nearest equipment room. A few nurses were about, looking up as I noisily closed the door behind me. I could see their eyes moving from my pale face, skinny (I've lost my appetite when- oh, I don't know… my dad died?!) arms, to the white hospital robe covering my bony body too loosely. And too openly.

"Just… looking for a broom," I said quickly, in answer of their suspicious glares. "There's so much dust in my room!"

"Where's you bracelet?" demanded one of them, spotting the missing burden from my arm.

"Err- the nurse just took it off this morning. Bye." I was out before any one of them could say another word, running towards the deserted staircase- a reminder of the time before that lift was ever created. I stopped to breath at the top stair, looking at the broom I snatched from that nurse-full room, which was old, dusty, and very… unprofessional.

But I wasn't really in a position to criticize good luck.

Mattering an incantation over the unorganized twigs, with out a wand, which made it all the more insane, I let the broom float around before me as a test before getting on it. (I've read "Quidditch Through the Ages" enough times to know how to build a temporary racing broom.) It wasn't strong, and might possibly break at any given moment, but it was the best I could do. People were already starting to call my name (Jack Holden) outside; I figured the nurses told on me. You really can' trust people now a days. I mean all I was doing was breaking out of the hospital.

Don't I have any rights?!

My improvised transportation was fast, but totally out of control. I could barley hold on, with all the strange twists and sharp turns, but- well, what choice did I have? The upper floors were behind me- I was reaching the roof- the _muggle _roof. As in the actual, _muggle _building.

That people could see from the outside.

Again. What choice did I have?

It's a good thing no one knew my real name, because when we- the broom and me- broke through that window, at least a dozen people saw us. Thankfully, the skies were cloudy, and I was quickly engulfed in such a thick layer of wetness no one could tell the difference from flying teen to… whatever else.

It was a long flight. The clouds simply refused to empty, and rain never came… through out it all- a very speedy, very frightening journey from London to Hogwarts- I was covered by clouds; unable to see even my hands clutched over the wood before of me.

But a destination spell is often used on broomsticks. It wasn't too hard to get that uncontrollable stick heading in the right direction.

It took roughly 3 hours.

And the wind- man! So much wind! And you know, to get from London to- well, Hogsmeade, which was where I drew the line of that speedy flight (out of fear for my own life) could only take 3 hours at very high speeds. I bet it was at least the speed of Hogwarts express doubled. Tripled even.

And it was bloody _fun._

Not that I'll ever like to do it again, of course.

**Cough cough.**

I left the broom- almost out of magic and already flying in zigzags- near a pub at the entrance of the village, walking the remaining few miles back to the castle. I left the hospital sometimes after noon- now the sun was setting. It was cold, and the clouds above me started leaking… heavily. I was drenched in seconds, walking alone along the deserted road, seeing no moon or stars through thick layers of black storm clouds. I had the strange feeling that it was about to snow.

But the castle was only a few minutes away- I could already see the whopping willow fighting the wind, as violently as if someone came near it. The lake reflected the tall towers, lights open, looking blurry through the rain. Smells of dinner, caught in the wind, pushed towards me as I stepped onto the stone stairs leading to the grounds' exist, through the great hall. The thought of going to change never crossed my mind… _food _did, (I haven't eaten since morning) and then something else…

Home.

**From the Thoughts of Lily Evans:**

_He must be sick. He was absolutely drenched… honestly; can't he take better care of himself? I should ask Madam Pomfrey about some potions to get rid of colds. I bet he has a cold. Or the flu, even… or some weird wizarding illness… oh no! What if he caught what his dad had before? He might-_

"Lils?"

_-have, it had something to do with genetics… but how do you get it? At a certain age, I guess… but he was exposed in the hospital last summer-_

"Lily?"

_-where is he now? Will he be in our common room? Gosh, I never thought it would be so useful to share a common room with Potter. I could keep an eye on him- Remus will know all about sicknesses, he wants to be a doctor- I could ask him. Look for symptoms._

"Lily? Earth to Lily!"

_I wonder if he'll mind. I mean he seemed kind of distant last time we saw each other. But he might not mind me looking out for him- as a roommate. With such a horrible disease just around the corner, he'll need someone to take care of him… a nurse type maybe… I know how he hates the infirmary; he'd said it enough times through the years for everyone to know… but I'm no Madam Pomfrey, and he'll be in his own room-_

"Lily Evans! Hello! Anyone there!!!"

_-What? What is that- oh. _

"What is it, Aly? Quit waving your hands. I'm listening, I'm listening!"

"Well it's about time. You've been staring at the fire for like 20 minutes. What's up?"

_Twenty minutes? No way. I need to finish that essay for McGonagall…! _

"I don't know. Just… spaced up a bit."

"Oh. Right. What were you thinking about?"

_Being a nurse for James Potter 'cause he's sick. I think. _

"Nothing."

"Then why are you blushing?"

"I'm not blushing."

"Aha. Sure. "

_So incredibly aggravating! How come both my best friends can see through me like… like… _

"Thinking about Potter?"

_Like that!_

"No!"

"Aha. Sure."

_Is it illegal to smack someone so hard they can't smirk anymore?_

"Aly!!!"

"Yes?"

"What- what makes you so sure I'm thinking about Potter? Which I'm not!!!"

"Well, your eyes are all glazed over, your hair is slowly turning blonde from the heat, and that book in your arms? It's upside-down. "

"S…so?"

_Oh, don't look at me like that. _

_I _hate _when you look at me like that, Alyson Morla. Like you can tell it when I'm lying. Because you _don't_ know it when I'm lying. _I _can barely tell when I'm lying. Like for the past two weeks, when I told myself I don't care where Potter is, and then how I felt all… tingly inside tonight when he finally showed up. And I finally _got it _that… he _did _change. And ever since he became normal, I wanted to be his friend… and that bloody Slytherin was pushing me away. But now he's back, and we can talk, and decide to stop fighting… a truce, I guess, and then… friendship. _

_Aly, wipe that smirk off your face!_

"You're doing it again!"

"What?"

"Thinking about Potter!"

"Am not!"

"Yeah!"

"Ahh!"

_Who needs the Gryffindor common room, anyway? I have my own private one to go to. _

_She's staring at me! And SMIRKING!!!!_

**From James Potter's Journal (cont.) :**

I didn't plan it. I swear.

But the second I opened the door, lightening stroke. People inside th Great Hall jumped, looking around fearfully. I must have looked a lot like a death eater, standing there in wet, black robes living puddles all over the floor.

I quickly surveyed the tables, looking for someone I would like to talk to. My fan club in the Slytherin table might have been dismayed of the little attention it got, as I smiled toward Jessica one of my tooth flashing smiles. The much greater clubs of the Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors weren't awarded much more attention- especially not that red head there in the back.

Finally, I spotted my three trusted friends. The marauders were looking at me unsurely, their eyes wide and guilty. I played with the idea of playing the angry ex-friend, like I did back in my house, but decided- why start on the wrong foot.

I put on a very unforced, happy smile.

"American?"

Their faces broke into smiles, and they were besides me before I had the chance to blink. Sirius was talking a mile a minute, apologizing and trying to fill me in on the Hogwarts gossip at the same time. (We keep record.) Remus was laughing, telling me I was a grudge full prat for never writing, or trying to communicate at all- they were worried. Peter jumped around, giggling like a little girl, while demanding I tell him- them- how I got there, when, and what I had to do in the greatest detail I could possibly remember. Meanwhile I was trying to answer them all simultaneously, barely standing from all the pets on the back. fake punches and one handed (very manly) hugs.

It was great seeing them again.

I won't bore you with the details of my punishment. I made up a story, got away with everything with out a scratch. Well, not from Dumbledore, anyway. We were actually finished pretty quickly, and immediately the marauders pulled me away- into the ES.

Now, the ES is what we like to call the Marauder Headquarters. It stands for 'Elf System' and was discovered by Sirius and I after Christmas, first year. The cool thing about the ES is that it reaches just about anywhere- from the tallest tower to the deepest dungeon. Anywhere the elves go.

The truth is, that through the centuries, the house elves had created their own hallways all over the castle. The system is magically built to be undetectable- a series of secret doors all over the place, hidden by ancient decorations or simply over looked. There are main rooms in the system itself, with slides that lead to just about everywhere in the castle. From the Gryffindor main room, you can get to other main rooms- the Slytherin's, Hufflepuffs', and Ravenclaws', as well as the class main room, library, kitchen, and 'home'- which is where the house elves live. There's even a door leading to the top of the Gryffindor tower- up there between the owls.

Which is where we were right then.

"So." I looked away to the half moon stranded bright in the sky.

"So." Repeated Remus, staring down at the lake below.

"It's October 30th," reminded Peter. "Tomorrow's the Halloween dance."

"Yeah," I said, feeling my stomach flip. I completely forgot. Had Jessica kept on with the decorations without me?

"You have everything under control there?" Remus asked, moving his gaze to the forbidden forest.

"No," I admitted, smiling. Sirius stretched out behind me, lying on his back, trying to spot the brightest star in the sky. Which, by the way, is Sirius.

"No problem there, mate. If you have the ideas we'll help you set it up tomorrow."

"Thanks, Padfoot. " he gave a sharp toothed, doggish smile, still looking up at the sky, his hands tacked in behind his head.

"you can also get the perfects to help, if you need," Remus added. "Coral and her friends won't mind giving us a hand, either…"

"Do we need it?" asked Peter, playing with the end of his robe while we stretched out around him. He never did like this… rather high part of the castle.

"Not really. The four of us, maybe with Jess, cause she has all the plans, can definitely handle this." I said confidently. An owl hooted in the Owlery a little way below us, while something made splashing noises in the lake.

"Prongs, who's this Jessica Norman, anyway?" Sirius asked. I could hear the frown in his voice. "When are we gonna meet her?'"

"Merlin, Padfoot, you'd think you were my parents or something. You can meet her whenever- you're in the advanced transfiguration with us, you know her."

"Well, by sight, sure," Remus murmured. "But come on- you never told us what she's like."

I didn't say anything at first. What she's like? I don't know. They were right. They don't know her at all…

"She's not like a normal Slytherin," I started. "Doesn't mind muggles and all that junk. She's a muggle, actually. That's way she doesn't have a lot of friends in her own house, except for boys trying to get their hands on her. Her best subjects are transfigurations and charms, but she loves Herbology- a Quidditch. A keeper. We thought maybe we oughta play together sometimes. To practice. She's really funny, too. Not too strict- never made it to be a prefect. But unbelievably ambitious. She wants to me an unspeakable… she has top scores n her house the second year in a row now. And-"

"Why won't we just meet her?" Peter asked.

"I guess that would work, too."

"Talking about Quidditch, "Sirius said, before we had a chance to stand up. "There's a game in just two week."

"Oh." I sat back down, frowning. "Have you practiced at all?"

"Yeah, a little," Remus yawned. "I mean, they did. I substituted as Chaser which was-" Sirius chuckled loudly- "- unsuccessful. But you think Morla will let your absence stand in her way to the trophy? And don't get me started on this 'captain' right here."

I smiled. Sirius loved winning. He did. it was important to him, as much as it was to Alyson Morla. I had nothing to worry about.

"Well, then I guess we'll just have to book the field for two straight weeks. You won't remember what land looks like by the time I'm done, Padfoot. Get ready. "

My friend started barking excitedly, ignoring the fact that he was still human. Remus rolled his eyes, while Peter started giggling hysterically.

I smiled. Home sweet home.

I'm back.

**_Late doesn't even begin to cover it. I know._ **

_**Major writing block is my only excuse. I know exactly what I **wanted** to write- but everything I wrote was just... awful. Believe it or not, this was the best one I could think of. **_

**_Sorry. _ **

**_Now, just because, well, I feel like it, the reviews:_ **

_infiniteternity- just a little more mushiness. I have to... i know exactly where it ends through; it's all planed out! I swear! lol (just checked. 7 chapters more. I didn't realize it was that far away.)Oops._

_Stag-star- :-D I'm a very dramatic person... expect some drama in this fic... _

_The geek over there- Lily did kind of got over herself this time... for now... evil laugh_

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- you SHOULD feel honor. Not many people get that rare chance, to have their wish come true... but honestly, it's not a big deal. a very little part will have cutting, a chapter or two. Or three. I'm not sure yet..._

_Rebus- if you're a firm believer in J/L, then you probably didn't like the end of this chapter, did you? Sorry, but- through this story does follow canon (where did it say James wasn't abused in the books, exactly??) there is some J/Jess coming up. But after Christmas... (Here's that Christmas again...) well, wait and see!_

_gryffincri-no, no quick update... I waited especially for you! lol. This was also a happy chapter... angst- real angst, not romance jealousy, is about 7 chapters away... I'll make it interesting, through. Lots of clashes between characters. _

_j-I'll try putting up the next update faster then a month. Really._

_Nelly Potter- thanks you for the encouragement. I obviously need it. ;-)_

_lifebeforetaxes- there will be a strange twist... so Remus WILL bite someone, but then... well, you'll just have to wait. Keep reading!_

_lunababe- MORE! Right back at you... only, you know, in really short, incredibly supportive reviews. lol. Next update will be faster. I swear!!!!_

_**Thank you all- you're as good as they get! **_


	23. Chapter 23

**From the Fantasy of Jessica Norman:**

Princess Jessica has not slept all night.

She is still not sure what she should do.

Will she commit the Unthinkable? Will she disobey King Joseph the Muggle directly, knowingly, whole heartedly- voluntarily?

Would she decide it worthy, to face the consequences of her actions for true love?

It is morning now, and the Princess is sitting at the Sliver Table of the Snake. She does not feel hunger or thirst- not for anything but he Unthinkable.

She wants the Unthinkable. Oh, she will do anything for the Unthinkable!

The Prince is sitting with his three knights- they are laughing together, looking around happily. The Princess does not want to interfere… but she cannot stand being without her Prince… her soul mate… a minute longer.

She will take a chance for true love.

The Princess is standing. The Prince hasn't glanced at her yet- not since the night of his arrival. The Princess marvels at his deep hazel eyes, his black hair that she can't help wanting to straighten. She hesitates not a moment longer.

Princess Jessica makes her way towards her Prince.

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona:**

We are all seated here at the Gryffindor table, enjoying our breakfast together.

Remus is sitting besides me, looking better then I've seen him in a while… all the time James was missing, he has been on edge. But the marauders are back- together and happy, like the old days.

Lily is sitting by Aly, in front of me. She is picking at her food; sneaking looks at James every once in a while. Aly keeps giving me these meaningful smirks, motioning towards our red head with her own mane of short black curls. I try to ignore her as best as I can, wondering what's wrong with Lily. She's usually such a morning person. I don't dare hope that she's getting over her denial and is going to give James another chance.

As unlikely as that might be.

Through Lils never did like sitting next to the marauders. I know Aly and her hate them, except maybe Remus, and I'm the only reason they agree to sit here. I mean, I want to sit with my boyfriend- but with my girl friends, too.

It is a Hogsmeade weekend today. October 31. Everyone will be out making last minute shopping for the Halloween masquerades ball. Remus asked me to go with him to the dance this morning, so I'll be joining everyone to look for a fitting dress, after all… I know Aly has a date with the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain, who she's been dating for a week now. I wonder how that will work out- hopefully at least one of my roommates has finally found her soul mate, like I did. I think this is the longest she's gone without a boyfriend since September… Lily's a lost case, I know that. She hasn't agreed to go with anyone at all- said she's waiting for someone to ask her. Aly would have usually said that she needs to just ask the guy out, but this time she kept quiet…

I think Lily wants James to ask her to the dance.

Actually, I think Lily's annoyed that he didn't ask her yet. He usually asks her a week before a dance, or a Hogsmeade weekend to go with him… but this year he hasn't asked her once. Let's all wonder why. Lily's one of the sharpest witches I know, but she can be real slow sometimes… thick headed, I guess, or just lying to herself. Doesn't she _see _that he's no longer interested? Doesn't she understand that if she doesn't make the first move, then no one will?

She'll be joining Aly and me at the dress shop, anyway. I think she'll get a dress, too, just in case. If anything can be said about Lily, she gives everyone and everything- except James Potter- a fair chance. She'll wait for him until the minute she recognizes who he is under the mask. Until she sees him dancing with another girl- ten other girls, looking at all his stalkers. Only then will she put away the mask and come out to the real world.

Then, we're all hoping she'll ask him out.

I said hoping.

Remus also asked to take me to Madam Puddifoot's, and I accepted, of course. I'll spend the morning with him, while Aly and Lily go off to the Post Office to send some letters and do everything else they wants to do, but later the marauders have to leave. I don't know what James, Sirius and Peter will be doing while Remus's with me, but I'm guessing The Honeydukes Sweetshop and Zonko's Joke Shop will be included in the tour- maybe even The Three Broomsticks. All I now is that by noon the four of them have to be back at the castle, meaning my date will be cut short… though it does leave me more time to go shopping with Aly and Lily at Gladrags Wizardwear. The boys say that they already transfigured their own cloths last night- see, being such Great and Powerful wizards, they don't buy cloths, just change their appearance.

When Aly called them arrogant show offs, they all nodded in honest agreement.

I can't wait to see what those insane minds have come up with as acceptable wear for a ball.

It's almost time to go. The marauders are now starting to pack up; Remus is smiling at me and winking. I smile back. Lily can't hide her stares at James any more… she's glaring openly. He's looking at her strangely, exchanging looks with Sirius every once in a while, not really sure what's going on… Aly's loving this. She's sitting back and enjoying the show- the little prat. Oh well, we all have our hobbies, don't we…

There's someone coming towards us from the… Slytherin table? What a rare occasion. I think I'm the only one to spot her… no; Remus is looking suspicious, too.

Oh, it's Jessica Norman. Why is she looking so worried? Her lip will start bleeding if she bites it any harder then that… Aly's looking at her now, and I see comprehension spread all over her face. What is going on in that evasive head of hers?

Jessica's pretty close now. People along the way are starting to notice. Sirius is frowning, through James hasn't seen her yet. He's looking at Lily, who, as per usual, isn't paying attention to anything. Peter is scratching his head. Why am I writing this? What's going on? I was just gonna say some staff about Hogsmeade and then…

Oh, she's coming here! The Slytherins are looking pretty mad. Gryffindors are glaring at her hatefully throughout the table… people can be so prejudiced at times… oh my, what is she-

I know what James is doing in Hogsmeade.

**Remus Lupin:**

James finally raised his head, breaking eye contact with Lily. He looked troubled at first, until landing his gaze at the hesitate blonde making her way towards him. His face broke into a smile, not noticing Remus, Sirius, and Peter going rigid besides him.

Remus looked around nervously. The whole Hall was silent, watching the lone Slytherin making her way into enemy territory. How could she dare? The first Quidditch game between Gryffindor and Slytherin was only two weeks away, and she dared- being a key player- come this near to people who couldn't possibly hate her more?

The formerly mentioned hate was evident throughout the aisles, with students snoring her way, mouthing curses- both magical and verbal. Some people expressed their feelings through rude gestures, facial expressions, and trying to trip the poor girl on her way to… to them, it seemed. Remus looked at James again. He seemed genially happy, welcoming his friend without noticing the other's behavior. There was a familiar spark in his eyes… the one that made him loss control all those times when he asked Lily out, that meant that he wasn't gonna act like himself for a few hours now, because he has seen his newest obsession…

But it wasn't Lily Evans this time. Lily Evans was sitting in front of him, her green eyes glazed as she stared at him with that same spark that James no longer brought up when he looked at his old fixation.

It was for Jessica Norman, who was now speeding up towards him, her pale blue eyes holding the same kind of spark as his.

But it wasn't the same, Remus realized as he looked from James, to Norman, to Lily. It wasn't the same. One thing was missing.

Passion.

He hid a chuckle, realizing what was happening. Both girls were looking at James with passion- probably serious of a possible relationship- while his friend was clueless to both. He looked at Lily with resentment at best, and Jessica with respect and likings, but no passion.

And this from a guy who's never dated a girl in his life.

_This is going to be interesting. _

Jessica stood over James, looking down at him with that sparkle shining through her tears. Within a moment Remus could hear James gasping as the seventeen year old hugged him tight, her arms delicate over his (uncharacteristically) lean shoulders.

"You had me worried sick, Potter," she whispered. Remus's wolf sensitive ears caught the sobbed words, while he watched James returning the hug awkwardly. This was definitely not what he expected.

"Sorry," he said lamely. Remus smiled.

Jessica sniffed, letting Prongs go. She was smiling, wiping tears from her cheeks, and James's robes.

"Hogsmeade today," she said, looking straight into his eyes. "Do you…" she never finished. Her words got stuck in her throat, a new line of tears emitting from the enchanting gaze.

James blinked with shook. "Are you- are you asking me out?"

Remus covered his grin with a hand. No one farther away from their little group could hear anything, but if they could, half the school would be on the floor. Prongs just sounded so naively surprised!

"Yes!" she giggled, placing her hands around his neck in yet another hug. "Do you?"

"I- sure! Yeah! G-great!"

Jessica sniffed again, and then laughed. James hugged her back. Remus could just smell his joy.

The first bell rung a moment later, breaking the happy encounter… James let go of Jess, looking dazed for while, before grinning at her widely.

"How about I meet you at the station… at nine? We could go-"

"Okay," she said hurriedly, stopping him in the middle. "I'll go get ready."

She ran off. James looked after her for a while, not noticing everyone around him standing up and leaving.

"Prongs, it's just a date," Sirius said. Remus looked up at his friend, seeing his troubled eyes, the hidden frown. James shook himself out of the trance.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Just a date. With Jess. Jessica. Jessica Norman. Just a date. Date date date… we can go to Honeydukes… no, that's stupid. Maybe the three broomsticks… where where where…" he kept on mumbling to himself as they made their way to the exit, following all the other students making their way to the road leading to the village.

Remus gave Sirius a questioning look. Padfoot looked at him darkly, and then mouthed- "She's a Slytherin!" behind James's back.

Remus gave him a stern look.

"You were supposed to be in Slytherin, too." He whispered, and then walked away, leaving the blinking Sirius far behind.

**_ok, so to make up for last update's emberassing delay, here's a chapter in only 6 days. be happy._**

_lifebeforetaxes-yeah, I was hoping no one will notice that... of course he wasn't wearing a gown, no way, he changed... probably on the broom, when he was freezing from the clouds. cough cough. _

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- a new record! an update in... LESS THENA WEEK! everyone clapping and cheering8 thankyou, thankyou..._

_infiniteternity-thanks. and,em, I guess you really didn't like this chapter, filled with James/Jess ness, huh? don't worry, this- (yeas, eople, I'm saying this again!)- does follow cannon. and James having a nother girlfriend just puts another twist on things, more ideas for me to write about..._

_the geek over there- jump him... interesting idea. I'll think about it. lol. and- who said Dumbldore bought it? _

_MissJudged16- thanx. you're probably one of the only people in this site who won't complain about lateness. :-)_

_J- you sent two reviews... thank you? lol. but seriously, it's nice to hear you like the story. get's me inspired to write more... _

_Rebus- yes, J/Jess... it helps give the plot an unusal twist. I kind of like her, you know... she IS nice... you guys are too harsh. But Lily is coming out more in this chapter, so hopefully you liked it. :-P_

_stag- star- I know! i'm ashamed, too... :-( but it was folowed by a quick one. does that cover it? please?_

_Lexy Granger-soon enough? lol. Jessica wil not go away, I know. she will stay throughout the story, as a girlfriend and... something else..._

**_thankyou all! you're fantastic!!!_**


	24. Chapter 24

**From the Thoughts of Lily Evans:**

_I still cannot believe that little bitch._

_Poor Potter. He honestly doesn't know what he got himself into… I mean- she just- totally forced him to go out with her! He was looking at me- he was going to ask me out to the dance. I had no idea he'd want to do that, I mean… after everything I did to him this year… but he wanted to ask me out. HE WANTED TO ASK ME OUT!!! HEAR THAT YOU LITTLE SLYTHERIN BITCH- HE WANTED TO ASK__** ME **__OUT!!! __**ME!!!**_

_Right?_

_I'm so confused. I thought I hated him. I really thought I hated him. But lately… I realize I've been so incredibly stupid. I mean, this is James Potter we're talking about. My crush for the first three months of first year. The boy who's been my obsession since I met him… even when he was stalking me, even as I screamed at him to back off, even as I sent a curse to hurt him for no real reason. Have I not always looked at him, studied him? I've been telling myself I was observing the enemy, checking for weaknesses… _

…_but I found none. The guy's always been so bloody perfect… with those muscular arms, that messy hair that looks so incredibly adorable when he messes it up even more… and those deep, hazel eyes that I could stare into for centuries. And while I worked day and night on assignments, earning place at the top of the top in all my classes- he somehow, through last minute studying, undone homework, a lot of goofiness and pranks- he managed to score just as high, just as perfect. There's a reason why he's always been a god among the girls around here. He really is… perfect. He really does not have any weaknesses- or at least, I never found any…_

_No, I found one. But I found it early, so early I didn't even realize it was there… and when I did acknowledge it, I refused to admit it… because- that weakness, that one thing James Potter didn't have, the one thing he could possible be bitten at was … _

_Me._

"Ok guys, I'll catch you later." _The marauders are here. Remus is taking Coral to that teashop… she looks excited. I'm so happy for her- she has found her true love._

_Unlike some people._

_Black and Pettigrew are headed to the joke shop, talking to each other in whispers. I hope they aren't organizing another prank. I have no time to take care of those brats right now._

_Here's James. He looks great… maybe a little work out won't hurt, I guess, but it's just because he was grieving for the past two weeks. He's a fantastic Quidditch player- I'm sure he'll get back to normal in no time. Why is he wearing that shirt? It's so tight… not that I don't like seeing those muscles, but still…_

_Oh, he must be waiting for Norman. I wonder what they'll do on their 'date'. Pity date, more like it… Potter totally feels sorry for her. That's the only reason he's going out with her, of course. And tonight, he'll tell her exactly that- that he just wants to be friends, nothing else._

_It's so obvious._

_Oh, here she's coming. Wow, what a short dress… no one wants to see that, believe me! Such a show off. Like anyone would ever be impressed with that puny little chest of yours. And if you wear a skirt that's any shorter, well, then, they could just…_

_But of course it's understandable that James will be impressed. He's a guy, after all- you can't come to a date wearing __**that **__and expect anything less then those grins he's giving her… but what could you expect- it's only natural. He'll do the same to anyone. And he'll hold anyone's hand, and walk her towards that coffee house over there…_

…_and never glance at her outfit. I mean, he's smart, after all- you can't buy him with a little extra skin. He won't dare touch you- he just wants to be your friend. Can't you see that? It's not respect for your personal space- it's pity! PITY!!!_

"Lils, you coming? I gotta stop at the post office to drop that package… you know we have to get in the applications for the TWH before November. I've been waiting for a Hogsmeade trip for days…"

_Aly shouldn't be this impatient. It's not like they'll close the deposit box before midnight or anything like that. She has plenty of time. Why is she getting involved in that stupid association, anyway? Teen Wizards Help…what is that all about? I'd rather get ready to become a healer- study and learn as much as possible. Healing people from the war, saving people's lives- that's a worthy cause. What are they doing in TWH, anyway? Organizing dances and events to help… who? _

_Oh, she's pulling at my sleeve again. All right, all right, I'm coming. _

"Know what, Aly? I think I'll go look at quills a while. Kay? It's just- you know my favorite quill, with the big feather- it burned. I need to go get another one."

_Yes, Aly, I realize that was very obviously an excuse, being way too long and never ending. That doesn't mean you have to stare at me like that._

"Yeah. Ok. Whatever. Just… meet me back near the Three Broomsticks in fifteen, ok? It's getting kind of cold… I won't object to some butter beer…"

_And she goes off in the direction of Black and Pettigrew. Wonder where they're off to. But I have bigger things to worry about…_

…

_This is a very nice teashop. 'Madam Puddifoot's." Who's she? I've never been here before… the place sure is warm. Such a lovely fire…_

_But it's so pink here. Potter will look completely out of place. But of course he will, he only came here to tell Norman off…_

_Talking about Potter, where is he? I can't seem to find him. All the tables… booths here are full. God, people- get a room! Or at least a physiologist… Merlin, he's eating her mouth…_

_Oh, here's Coral and Remus. They're just talking- thank God. I really don't need to see my best friend kissing another friend of mine, thanks. But where's Potter?_

_Maybe he already left. Maybe he already ditched Norman and went in search of Black or something. Yeah, that's probably it. She must be crushed… poor thing… I should probably invite her to shop with Aly and me. I mean, she is naive to think James will like her… and then being disappointed so quickly, her hopes destroyed…Maybe Potter shouldn't have been that hard on her. I mean, she's just an innocent little girl after all…_

_Brr, cold outside. I'm staying here._

_Oh, look. There's an empty booth behind that tree… what a lovely blossom it has…_

_Oh- oops! Not empty. Someone making out here, God! I'm leaving, I'm-_

…_Leaving…?_

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

I'm sitting here, in the Three Broomsticks, waiting for Lily. She's nowhere to be found, which is strange, since I'm the one that's usually all late and all. Weird. I wonder where she went… to buy quills. Yeah, right. How stupid does she think I am? I bet she went to spy on Potter and Norman. The girl's in denial. Last night, when I thought she'd be either tearing like a broken faucet, or screaming her frustration on poor little first year, Lily just… sat there, looking at the fire, deep in thought. She left right after finishing her homework. We never even talked.

And then today, it was the same thing. It's like she was in her own little world. People talked to her, and then she would just stare at them for a while, taking her time at answering… why? Usually she has lightning reflexes- she talks fast, acts fast, thinks fast. I'm worried.

You didn't hear me say that.

Really.

So I just sent my application to the TWH. So many strange questions they have there, honestly… what do you feel of magical creatures. How would you act if you saw a muggle born being hassled by a group of blood lunatics. Have you ever stood up to someone bigger then you to help someone smaller then you.

Very stupid questions. Of course I had- dozens of times. I don't like it when people bully others… even magical creatures, and the prejudice against them and muggleborns. It's pointless, useless, and doesn't make any sense or logic. I'm living proof of that. After all, I'm a muggle born- but not a mud blood. How? Easy. My dad's a normal muggle, yeah, but my mom's a squib. I'm Sirius Black's very far cousin- something like eleventh or something.

But I didn't write THAT down. I'm smarter then that- they'd start asking more questions, bla bla… and this is a fact I don't want anyone to know. Lily and Coral don't know, either. Being related to a Black! Sirius Black, no less! I won't be able to stand it.

Talking about Black, he was in the post office when I entered. Of course the applications have their own special deposit box, so owls won't accidentally get lost…so while I was coming in to put my own letter in it, I saw Black and Pettigrew coming out.

Who does Black mail? I don't believe he's in good terms with any of his family… he never gets owls from anyone- ever. Not even on his birthday.

Oh, here's Lily coming. She looks upset.

Darn. I imagine there'll be no dress shopping today, then.

**Remus Lupin:**

"Just some butterbeer, please… oh, and a piece of the chocolate cake. It looks fantastic. Want one too, Rumy, or… wanna share?"

Remus smiled at her knowingly, as she finished up the order. The waitress wrote everything down on a pink, heart shaped notebook pulling black hair back from her face every once in a while, letting the quill catch the order by itself.

He looked around the teashop. It was hot and cozy, filled with the low murmurs of couples talking, laughing, flirting, and making out. All the booths were full, their residents touching each other relentlessly, enjoying the little romance of a few hours together. Remus smiled. By the end of the day, at least one of those couples would be broken up, three would be cheated on, and perhaps seven others will never talk to each other again…

…until the next morning.

He stretched, blinking sleepily. Coral giggles, smiling sweetly while drinking from her rose shaped glass. Her long eyelashes over unusual violet blue eyes fluttered, and a lock of honey brown hair fell over her face.

Remus gently pulled it back for her, revealing the beautiful, carefree face of his first and only girlfriend. She giggles again, taking pleasure at his touch.

He leaned closer, whispering some well-chosen words in her ears. She moved her face away, blushing coyly, and put the glass down. Her eyes downcast, she stole a glance his way. Remus felt his heart thumping blissfully as he leaned, connecting his lips with her own, soft, sweet ones.

The softness was soon gone in a passionate, forceful series of pure pleasure. Remus felt Coral's tongue pressing at his teeth, her lips curved into a wide grin. He smelled her flowery breath on his face, felt her hands messing his hair as they came closer together. No one was paying any attention to them- and that was the way he liked it. In Madam Padfoot's, this was a normal occurrence…

A brush of cold air brought them back to the real world. Remus blinked as Coral let go of his head, placing his hands a respectable distance away from her waist.

"So… what do you think of that charm we learned yesterday? I couldn't imagine being able to speed up the growth of plants… and animals!"

"Yeah, I know." He looked around again. In the door a tall red head was taking off her hood, moving a green eyed glance over the small teashop. Lily Evans smiled at him behind Coral's turned back, quickly moving away to one of the corners of the room- attracting less attention.

_Uh oh._

"Here's your cake, guys," said the waitress as she came up to them, noticing the snug session was done. A chocolaty piece of cake with one spoon stuck in the middle was placed between them, on a white plate with a rosy design engulfing the food. Coral smiled, taking the spoon and mounting a small piece on it. She offered it to Remus, who broke his stare at Lily to take it, and then proceed at feeding her the very same way, with the very same spoon.

The next time he looked up, Lily was walking towards a hidden booth in the back of the store. Remus tensed. Though invisible form the entrance, he could clearly see who was sitting in the booth… who was slowly breaking off the conversation for soft, tentative kisses, both kissers blushing, unused to this manner of communications…

Remus watched dreadfully as Lily made her way to the booth, noticing the two people sitting there. At first she began walking away, her cheeks flaring slightly, an embarrassed smile tagging at her lips. Then she recognized the black head of messy hair, and Jessica Norman's sky blue eyes opening and closing as James kissed her.

She seemed to freeze.

No one was paying any attention to the little drama that was taking place at the back of the shop. Coral stared out the window at the rain outside. Hogsmeade was filled with fallen leaves at this time of year… a thick blanket of brown, yellow, and red covered the ancient streets. Remus tried joining Coral in her dream world, but just then, Lily seemed to wake up.

He heard her gasp, spinning on her heel. She almost run outside, tears making their way to her eyes- where she managed to stop them cold.

No one was paying attention. No one ever paid attention in Madam Puddifoot's.

It didn't seem like such a great thing anymore.

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona:**

Remus got back to his normal self a while after. I'm not sure what was wrong- but it might have something to do with his wolf problem or something. I asked him, and he looked at me strangely, as if… I don't know, as if he wasn't telling me something.

Something important.

We spent the rest of the time talking, more then anything else. I told him about my new study schedule, and that hour a week when I'll study to become a ministry official. My mum used to work in that, and I want to follow in her footsteps. Remus explained a breakthrough potion he thought about- something that, theoretically, could complete that spell his parents developed to stop the effects of werewolf biting. Remus wants to be a scientist when he grows up- like his mum, who worked to find a cure to his disease ever since he got it. The only problem is, you need a lot of money for that- and not a lot of people are willing to pay.

It seemed too soon when he told me he's leaving. One quick kiss on the cheek, and he was gone. I strolled along the leaf filled streets, towards the Three Broomsticks, where I was supposed to meet Aly and Lily. If I am not mistaken, they had spent all that time in the post office, and later the quill shop, which doubled as a bookstore on the second floor. As I entered the warm room, a bell ringing as I opened the door to the Three Broomsticks, I saw both of them sitting at one of the tables closer to the exit, a bag full of books by their side.

Aly was drinking her butterbeer, looking around at the many people dining about. Lily as reading a book- something about advanced Charms. Her eyes scanned the paged furiously. It was obvious- she wasn't reading at all.

"What's going on?" I asked, looking from one friend to the next, as I sat down. Lily looked up at me with an annoyed expression, before getting back to her book, hiding her head behind it. Aly ignored me completely, still looking around aimlessly.

"Aly? Aly?!"

"Huh?" she blinked, looked at me with surprise. "Coral! Hi." She took headphones out of her ears, and smiled at me an apologetic smile. "How're you doing."

"Great." I never do get Aly's strange Americanized sentences. Or her accent, which's also uncommon- a strange mix between tongues. "What's up with her?"

"I'm right here!" Lily said angrily, closing the book with a huff.

"Yeah, I can see that. " Aly said, rolling her eyes. "She wouldn't say. Wants me to leave her alone so she can abuse the new book we bought."

"Why are we here?" Lily said before I could comment on that. "I though we were supposed to buy dresses for the dance. Coral's here. We're all HERE!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!"

"Alright, girl. Chill."

See what I mean?

We quickly found ourselves in the dress shop. Lily disappeared between the shelves, and all we could see was a glance of her fiery red hair every once in a while. Aly winked at me, and went in search for her own outfit. I looked around, wondering where the blue section was.

I finally found someone to help me- a nice clerk who showed me a number of fantastic skirts that matched my eyes. I settled on a violent one, with various azure decorations. I also got beautiful pearl earrings, and a necklace made of a soft blue, diamond shaped stone. And don't forget the mask- made of owl feathers painted blue and white.

Can't wait to wear it.

Can't wait till tonight!!!

_**and it is a day early... enjoyed yourselves, I hope. I'm going on a camping trip for the whole weekend, so I had to get it in early... it is longer, faster, and I think it was pretty good. **_

**_No complaining, peopel!_**

_Infiniteternity- I'm glad you don't mind too much about the couple thing. Here, and in the next few chapters, it's a lot more obvious then before. I swear, at least up to the Deathly Hallows, this is cannon!!! (did I say that already?)_

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- quick update! Yay! How about you try updating?_

_The geek over there- wow, I'm sorry… a long chapter, just for you! Hopefully your friend came around. If not, well, does she really deserve to have any friends at all? (I've had friends act like bitches. Not pretty.)_

_J- unlike what many people think, I do actually enjoy updating… so this is a day early. I hope you're all very grateful. Lol. :-) Probably was the sever, now that I think of it. Never happened to me before…_

_xX-Ashi-Xx- No, Jess isn't evil. She's a Slytherin, but she's like Slughorn- no blood or anything. She's actually muggleborn._

_Minathia- you guys are making me feel do special. Sniff sniff. Thank you. Though this was an extra early update…_

_Stag-star- don't you love glaring at people?_

_Dancechic12345- I'm glad you like it! Hopefully I'll be able to satisfy you all the way to the end… :-)_

_Georgeluver92-not too long to update, not this time… I'm happy you like this. Err, just… saying, that my other stories were written a while before this. I've gotten a lot better at writing since then. So don't expect them to be too great. And the typos… oops?_

_Lexy Granger-soon! Very soon! Yeah, I know, not many people like Jess. I don't know why. If James likes her, you al should, too! **Pouts**._

_Rebus- we have had Remus's POV before. At the scenes with James's step dad, especially. Sorry if you don't like Jess… but, to help the plot develop- she's here to stay. (if it makes you feel better, James and Lily getting together will be a lot more dramatic if he needs to break up with a girlfriend for her…)_

**_You're all fantastic!_**

**_See you next week..._**


	25. Chapter 25

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

I don't know how they did it.

The place looks **amazing**- even for my standards. And, for your information, my standards are **very** hard to reach.

But this- this is fantastic. God. The amount of magic this must have taken…

I'm sitting inside one of the booths, all alone with this piece of paper. Bored. I don't know where Peter is- I was sure he'd arrive by now. And here I am, dressed in a fancy black dress that matches my black hair and earrings, wearing these high shoes I really hate to walk in, not to mention dance, with this ridicules hair style Coral made me keep, waiting for him.

This booth, (though it is, quite obviously, designed for couples) is really cool. Black, and bigger then usual, with a circular marble table in the middle, it's very private. There are long, narrow blinds surrounding the entrance, and they seem to have some kind of a silencing charm soaked into them, 'cause I can barely hear the crowd outside. The couches are comfortable and many, so even small groups of friends can sit together to chat.

Now that I think of it, the whole Great Hall looks great. Potter and Norman did a fantastic job with these decorations. Halloween at it's best; I'll give you that. The ceiling has been enchanted to show the stars and planets at much greater size, so I can almost tell the color of each of Saturn's rings. It looks amazing, and since there's no moon tonight, to over shine everything else, it truly is enchanting. All the walls are painted black, with occasional strikes of bold orange, gold, or silver. The booths are the only things present apart from the dancing floor, spelled to float around a few good feet from the floor, while below it a basement was created for this ball alone, and from the screams down there… I imagine it's a haunted house.

There's a golden plate in the middle of each table in every booth. You have to speak your requested food- anything at all- and it will appear. Glasses are only available on the drink counter; on the other side of the room. I've got a glass in front of me, filled with untouched butterbeer. Maybe Peter's just running late or something.

Bats are flying around outside, their loud shrieks heard even in here. The ghosts are having their own party near the ceiling, singing frightening songs that don't match the music the band's playing down here. But I suppose no one's paying any attention to that. Everyone are having the time of their lives, fooling around and dancing the night away.

I came early, of course. Peter asked me to come early, said he'll save us some food. That's not a real problem, I think, right now.

The problem is- he's not here.

Here come Lily and Coral. Coral's wearing this long sleeved, long skirted cloudy (?) violet dress. She's looks great- like a fairy princess or something. A swan. But she's nothing compared to Lily- her dress is beige, sleeveless, and extremely tight all the way up to her waist, where it suddenly goes loose. There's a transparent, golden, floppy lace around her waist, hanging loosely, with little golden jewels at the bottom. Her hair is in wild curls around her, not silky straight like she normally wears it. Her mask is gold, too- (mine is black, and Coral's is a feathery blue) made out of what looks like painted owl feathers, it's magically glued to her face until she- or someone else, preferably a very good looking guy- takes it off.

I choose it for her.

Naturally.

Gosh, where is Peter? I've been waiting for_ever_.

I can see Coral dancing with Remus. They're giggling about something. Probably educational carp. Bah. And there's Black- that must be the third girl in the last ten minutes. The prat. Potter and Norman are also here, having enough fun for everyone on the floor… wow, that's a high leap! God.

And then there's Lily, standing alone by the doors. She's staring at Potter with a very… ugly expression on her face. I wonder what she's thinking right now- Lils isn't the kind of person to stand back and look at others having fun without her… unless she's busy studying or something. But then again, maybe she's scared people will stare at all that red all over her face…

Oh-oh!!! She's walking towards them. I think she'll give them both detentions for that little kiss back there.

Crap.

---

Ok. I found a cute, blonde Ravenclaw prefect standing by the drinks- alone. He's now dancing with my BFF with great joy and pride. All prefects are the same, I swear! Why won't they just go _ask _the other sex out? Seriously!

What-what? She let go of him. That was barely one dance. Now she's dancing with a dark skinned Gryffindor in sixth year… very near Potter. Oh, she's trying to make Potter jealous. Classic. Good luck, though- I don't think Potter's noticing anything but Norman's face. What twirls, Merlin…

There's a really cute guy dancing besides them. Wearing a green mask… no, he took it off. Beautiful eyes, really…

PETER???!!!

**From James Potter's Journal:**

Man!

I haven't written here in ages. Nothing bad to write, so I thought maybe I shouldn't or something… I dunno. Everything has just been so great… so _fun. _Yeah, I know- unbelievable, right? Me, James Potter, having _fun. _FUN!!!

I missed it so very much.

Well, it might have something to do with Jess. Jessica Norman. My new girlfriend!

New? Who am I kidding? First! First love, first kiss- first girlfriend, baby! Yeah!

I'm hyper. I know.

Thing is, after we came back from Hogsmeade- and after we decorated the whole bloody Great Hall- Jess and I talked. We were sitting by the Quidditch pitch, looking at the stands. Holding hands. She asked me what happened- where I went for those last two weeks.

And I told her.

It was easier then I thought it would be. I mean, she didn't press me or anything- I just- seriously wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know all about my mum, and my dad, and even my step dad- I had to let her know. I had to.

She didn't interpret through the whole thing. Never said a word. That was honestly the first time I talked about it- not written it down, not mention it here and there- actually talked about it. It was awkward at first… I didn't know where to start. So much has happened- so much has changed.

I settled on my dad's illness. How he suddenly got it, seemingly out of nowhere, how last Christmas he just fainted with no warning while we opened presents under the tree. How we thought it was nothing- over work, the flu, maybe- and left it alone, until it started happening more. And by the time I boarded the train to get back to Hogwarts, he was too weak to walk.

I told Jess about those few months before the healers figured out what he had. Those short few months when we all still believed he only had a common muggle disease, treated by potions overtime… something that causes the weakening of a heart. But it wasn't that- not that simple, normal, awfully curable disease. No. My dad had a rare wizard illness- his weakness wasn't caused by normal muggle problems.

His magical core was collapsing.

At first, it wasn't even painful. That's why they didn't recognize it for so long. But as April came along, the healers started suspecting… running tests that didn't make any sense… until they finally told us what it was. And how there was nothing we could possibly do- how it was a certain death no matter what.

I watched a group of second years flying around in circles, passing around a homemade Quaffle. Jess was silent besides me, playing with her hair. She was listening though- I could tell. And she understood. She was the first person who ever understood.

I told her about that last month in school. That month of full-blown dread. Has it happened? Will it happen? How? When? I told her about the screams I heard when I want to the hospital- my dad, my strong, powerful dad, screaming from pain as his magic dissolved. And then how he died- so suddenly, so unexpectedly, even though we knew he would. Even though we were warned before hand.

And I told her about mum. About her starting to go to pubs… drinking… sinking into her own little world of misery. How one day she came home with a guy… John Laurence. How they fell in love… how she fell in love.

I could see that he never loved her. He said he did- and she said he did- but he didn't. Not. Ever.

And, yes. I told her about the beating. The curses. The spells.

The pain.

The blood.

And when I was done, she kissed me. Her strawberry sweet lips touched mine for a long time, inseparable, for what seemed like forever.

And then she told me about her.

She told me about her dad. How, when she got her letter, He wouldn't let her go. How he locked her in the basement for days, without food or water, to stop her from going to Hogwarts. From becoming what she was- a witch. And how she was finally saved by a group of aurors who forced him to let her go- forced him to understand.

But he never did. And he never acted the same around her- always suspecting, always hateful. Always flinching when she picked up her wand.

She told me that that was why she didn't want to date me when I asked her before. Because she knew what he could do. Right now, he was afraid of her magic… afraid of what she might do if he forced her into anything. But she couldn't do magic without a wand- he knew it, as well as she did. And he could easily steal it when she was at home, during vacations, sleeping in the basement that had become her room.

"You don't have to tell him," I told her. "You don't have to do anything. By the end of this year, we will both be of age in the muggle world, too. Then you can do whatever you want."

"I know. " she answered, smiling fearfully. "That's why… yes. I wanna go out with you, James Potter."

**Remus Lupin:**

Remus looked up at the stars.

No moon.

He smiled.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Coral besides him. She was laying on the grass, looking up at the lighted sky with him, her hair spread all over the ground as if it was blowing in the wind. He could see her breath in the cold air, escaping her sweet lips in small clouds of gray mist. Her eyes shined with the lights above, her long eyelashes raffling dreamily.

He lay down besides her, feeling the moist grass below him absorbing in his warm robes. His dirty blond hair felt drenched, wetting his face, waking him up. He didn't want to wake up. He wanted to sleep forever… to make this moment, this perfect, beautiful, silent moment, stay for all eternity.

He closed his eyes, listening. Smelling. Giving in to his inner animal… his inner wolf. He felt a unicorn herd riding nearer between the forest's trees, as a few owls swooped around the Owlery, exchanging soft hoots. In the lake fish schools hide between the vegetation, as the giant squid sped away after a much smaller, much swifter female. The leaves swayed around them, as the wind blew them away gently… the stars formed figures up above, bears and hunters and angels.

He breathed.

Coral's tentative hand touched his. He held on tight. He could hear a small purr escaping her lips as her tiny, freezing hand sunk into his bigger, warm one. She closed her eyes in enjoyment, breathing in deeply. He leveled his breath to match hers, listening to the silence.

There was a loud noise from the castle. Coral jumped, twisting to a sitting position. Remus looked at the party going on inside distractedly. Someone had broken a bottle or something… he looked back at his girlfriend, adoring her small features across the vivid sky.

He pulled her towards himself, feeling her shiver. It was cold out. Coral was too… fragile to be left alone in the cold. He felt her heart pumping against his chest, her cold breath on his neck.

Her lips locked onto his, the kiss passionate and unexpected, yet incredibly obvious for that moment. He answered her pleas, moving about, making space for her beside him. It started to rain, but he didn't care. Neither did she. The world was gone- there were only him, her, and the stars.

No moon…

**Sirius Black:**

Melissa giggled.

"God, Sirius, you're just so strong…!"

Sirius smiled, twirling her around once again. _In your face, Remus,_ he thought. _Not getting a date is SO much better then sticking with one girl for a whole night._

Melissa disappeared in the crowd, to be replaced- momentarily- by a cute, fifth year Hufflepuff blonde. Sirius winked. She broke into a shy smile.

Inwardly, Sirius sighed. You'd think a guy that kissed most every girl in the school would be able to find someone permanent. Only thirty minutes before, Remus escaped the noise of the dancing floor with Coral, and Sirius hasn't seen either since… Peter was clumsily dancing with his girlfriend, Vanessa Jorks, a tiny Slytherin that was probably the only sixth year that didn't need to look down to find Wormtail's face. And now here was James, also with a Slytherin, dancing the night away in a position that was probably not very appropriate for a school dance… having the time of his life for the first time in a long time.

_And here I am,_ Sirius thought, _dancing with the twentieth girl tonight. And I still don't like her._

_Merlin._

He looked around again. Lily Evans was not far away; a few feet away from where Prongs was spinning Jessica. She had a mad look in her eyes, though she was smiling pleasantly at a brown haired prefect.

And there was Alyson, sitting alone in a booth, drinking something that didn't look like anything that was supposed to be served that night. She was writing something in a notebook. Black ink made up straight lines as she scribbled madly, silent tears ruining her carefully made makeup…

Tears?

The song was over. Sirius looked at the Ravenclaw standing besides him. Where did she come from? He dismissed it and smiled at her, thanking her for the dance. She was too out of breath to answer.

Next thing he knew, he was by Morla's booth, looking down at the notebook.

**_God, I was sure I put up this chapter already! And here I was, wondering why no one was reviewing... sorry. Well next chapter is just about done, so THAT update will be real quick..._ **

**_Reviews: _ **

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- had lots of fun on the trip... my friend are just insane. Honestly. You know, I haven't noticed a lot of L/J fics with an American friend... any suggestions? I'm looking for something to read..._

_infiniteternity- annoying? Lily? Shocked expression never!! lol. Well, I'm going for VERY harsh denial here... or the end of one. She's incredibly jealous at the moment and too used to being perfect prefect Lily Evans to admit it. if it seems unrealistic, I do in fact have a point. It's actually coming up pretty soon...!!!_

_The geek over there-I'm sorry your friend's being... yeah. Wish I could offer advise, but your penname probably suits me better... about the story... err, to many questions? lol. It was the beginning of first year... and then he did a prank on her (accidentally) (but she doesn't know that) and she started hating him... well, if you wanna see the whole thing then it's in my other story. About first year._

_xX-Ashi-Xa- Yes, definitely a lot of plot thickening going on right now... evil laugh..._

_Stag-star- like Aly's hilarities recorder? Well, then you'll like next chapter, I think... :-)_

_Gerorgeluver92-I think you don't like Jess because she's not Lily. But worry not, this story follows cannon... I swear. Lily's going to be there soon, but err, not for a while now. Sorry..._

_Rebus- it might. Maybe you should imagine her as a blonde and... Err, some celebrity that I can't remember the name of at the moment. Big help I am, huh?_

_Lexy Granger- Yes, poor Lily. And, didn't we establish that James' a git in the fifth book? lol. :-) Thank you, I had lot of fun camping. Didn't update though. Thought I did. Oops. :-)_

_MissJudged16-thankyou! Someone gets it. I appreciate that. You made me feel SO much better. :-P_

**_And... Thank you all!!! Again, next update should be quick. Really. I swear this time. _ **


	26. Chapter 26

**From James Potter's Journal:**

We finally separated as music started coming from inside. We were both blushing, both refusing to look in the other's eyes.

"May I have this dance?" I said finally, putting my hand out for her to take.

"Of course," she smiled. We ran the rest of the way to the Great Hall, immediately merging with the small crowd already gathered at the floating dance floor.

And we had the time of our lives.

Have you ever felt like the world is just… sunny?

Oh, don't scowl like that. Your face will stick that way forever. I'm talking seriously here… that there's no cloud in the sky… never was, never will be again. Like all the flowers are blooming, all the stars shining, all the winds blowing softly and the weather is perfect? That you can just hoop on a broom and fly, or jump in the lake for a swim with your pals, or just sit under a tree and breath the fresh clean air of morning, the sun smiling at you and sort of tickling you with soft, warm rays?

Me neither.

But I came pretty close.

Today was… great. Really. And I know it seems really unlikely. I mean, all I ever write in this journal are bad staff. I've done nothing but complain for the last two or three month, haven't I? I didn't realize how bitter I've been.

Well, there's always tomorrow.

Actually, since it's practically tomorrow already, it's already tomorrow. Time for a new start.

I started this journal out of desperation, needing someone to talk to. That is no longer the case. I've got the marauders, I've got Jess… I'm taken care of. I don't think I'll be needing this journal anymore…

…I hope.

**Sirius Black:**

"Morla?"

She didn't look up, just kept writing. Now he could see how the tears mingled with the ink, making the writing incomprehensible. She was wearing a long sleeved, long skirted black dress that seemed to fit her black hair and brown eyes perfectly. Her mask was stranded beside her on the desk, black with charmed, silver decoration that shimmered to the deem light. Her curls fell to her face, but she didn't push them back up. She ignored them, ignored him, ignored the whole world, just to write.

'Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities.'

There was nothing hilarious about it.

"Hey Morla, it's our song," he joked, sitting besides her, closing the curtain behind him. The music lingered behind, but the sounds of the party were blocked by the silencing charms they made sure to enforce in every booth only that afternoon. He looked around. There was no one else there.

"Please go away," she said, her voice as strong and clear as always. Sirius marveled at her self-control. This was the first time he's seen her cry since first year, the first time he saw her show any sort of emotion apart from cool sarcasm or cold anger that subsided quickly. And here she was, already blocking the tears, locking the sadness away.

For what time? First? Second? One hundredth?

He looked down at her writing- scribbled, yet as neat as hell. She put down the quill, closing the book from his searching eyes. He looked at her face, now dry and well collected. No one could tell she had just cried.

"Can I help you?"

"I won't mind a dance."

She gave out an icy laugh. "Oh, sure. As if. I'd rather jump in the lake and dance with a mermen."

"You should. I heard there're some good looking guys down there."

Her eyes narrowed, and for a second she looked like a hungry cheetah. Sirius looked straight at her, not blinking. She didn't scare him, with her strange moods and misleading attitudes. He didn't mind her sarcasm, her sharp, mean words. He understood where they came from. Or at least, he thought he did.

"Is it true that you're Vanessa Jorks' cousin, Morla?" he asked, looking down at her. She gave him a venomous look.

"Get out."

"Is it?"

"I said- get out. "

"But, Morla. It's our song."

She didn't move. If anything, she looked tired. "That was a long time ago. We were twelve. It was a joke."

"Our joke."

Silence.

"Yeah."

They stared at each other. Merlin… was she beautiful. Her eyes reflected the lights, shining as big and majestic as the magnified stars outside. He found himself smiling, remembering old friendships that no longer existed, ancient secrets that have been told so many times since. They used to be close. So close. But now…

He stood up, wordlessly.

"I'll see you around, Black." She said, just as he was about to close the curtain behind him.

"In your worst nightmares, Morla," he called back.

Now… they were this.

Enemies.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

The party is over. I'm sitting here, alone in the Great Hall. Peter is long gone, has been for hours now… he tried coming here before, but I told him to get lost. I don't need him. I don't need anybody.

I'm not sure how many butterbeers I've had. Not sure how many fire whiskeys, either. People have been staring at me all night, pointing. Black even got in here and started with his silly games again. I hate when he does that. As if I don't have enough problems as it is.

It's weird, how this always happens. I mean- I don't give a shit about Peter. I don't. He's an ass, and maybe I'm sinking into that American street language McGonagall keeps warning me about, but he is. A stupid little Ravenclaw Quidditch player. A date. I didn't see it going anywhere, anyhow. He was just one little date in a sea of others- an ocean of boyfriends that just keep… keep turning out rotten under all those good looks on the outside.

I just don't understand it. I mean, what's wrong with me? I've dated just about every guy in this school. Every guy that's above sixth year, anyway. And all those cocky, smart-ass nerds that already left. But they never stuck for more then a month. Ever. I've never truly been in a steady relationship.

Sometimes I just want to hit Lily. I mean, she has love following her around- the perfect guy, who for two years has done nothing but try to impress her, and what does she do? She throws a Reducto at him. I want to smack her! If I had someone like that- someone loyal and sweet and cute and smart and--- what's her deal!?! That's the bloody problem?

She has love standing right before her, right under her nose. And she can't appreciate it.

But I'm not jealous. Not really. I used to be- all the time. And at Coral, who had Remus for the past three or so years. Not jealous in a mean way, of course- they're my friends. I love them like sisters. But God, did I wish I had what they had.

But I'm older now. I'll be eighteen soon- of age in both worlds. I could get a job. Start a life.

Love isn't for people like me. It's for people like Lily, and Coral, and even Vanessa. Beautiful people. Smart people. Who're funny, and sweet, and nice, and always happy. Happy and joyful. Isn't it? Isn't it only possible to stay with someone if you're a sunny little angel with a ringing laugh and a loving attitude?

And who am I?

I scare people away. I know I do. That's why they never stay. That's why they always go look for someone else. I'm just a sexy whore that'll do 'it' with anyone just for the experience…

No one will ever love me. No one ever has.

You know, it's funny. Maybe there is a place for this in this hilarities record. When I was a kid, I, too, was a sunny little ray of sunshine. I did my homework, ate all the vegetables. Wore those pink, puffy dresses my mum made even though I thought they were the ugliest things ever.

It was in the summer before third year that it changed. God, I still have nightmares about it every once in a while… and it's so stupid. Such a small thing. I mean, I just… feel so weak, knowing that it still makes me cry at night. Still makes me shake with sobs when no one's looking. Still makes me want to… to just go, away, every time I think of it.

See, I probably have one of the more interesting heritages in the whole school. I'm considered a muggle born, but actually, I'm related to Sirius Black. We share a great-great grandmother, actually. And more then a few cousins.

But my mum was a squib. Never got accepted to Hogwarts. Her parents- being 'Black' and strong believers in the whole blood issue- disinherited her immediately. At eleven she wandered around London's cold streets, until someone put her in foster care… where she met my dad- a muggle, with not an ounce of magic in him.

A few years later they got married. A happy couple, really, and they moved to New York with their newborn baby, my brother Josh. They had me four years later, and my sister- Anne- two years after that. And guess what? Both Anne and me showed magical abilities… and we both got a Hogwarts letter when we were eleven. Josh died- drowned- long before he was old enough to qualify. But as far as we know, he was a wizard, too.

This pulled my mum right back to the whole wizarding world experience. She hated it. She never said it out loud, but whenever I came home for holidays and summer vacation- she let me know. How she hated being back in England, being back so close to her hated, betraying family. Having to receive mail by owls like she used to when she was a little girl.

Now, looking back, I know that she was jealous. So jealous of me- and Anne- because we had something that she didn't- something that she could never, ever, for the life of her get. And she hated us- both of us- for being what we were- more then Lily's sister hates her. More then her parents ever hated my mother when she never got a letter. More then anything in the world… as if I was disinherited, too, for having this gift… this amazing gift of magic.

One day, we had a fight. There was yelling and screaming and accidental magic all over the place, both Anne's and mine. My mum stormed off when my dad got involved, got outside for some air… while I went and cried in my room for hours.

By the next morning, we were in the hospital. The wizarding hospital. My mum was one of the first victims of Lord Voldemort's sage of terror…and that was the last straw. It took her a week to recover, and another week to pack all our bags. All out lives.

We were going back to the USA.

I went along with them. I never wrote to Lily, or Coral, or anyone. I just went along with them, feeling this empty feeling inside. I was… horrified. I couldn't believe someone would do that to my mother… and suddenly I felt guilty- guilty for being a witch. For putting her in that danger, that danger that almost got her killed.

And you know what? She never missed a chance to let me know just how badly it **was** my fault. How badly I had messed up, and how I was pulling my sister- my eleven-year-old sister, who just got her letter- how I was messing up her life with all the magic.

How it was my fault. All my fault.

And I believed her. She was my mum, after all… I believed her.

Until… until we were there, in the airport, standing in line to get on the plane. I looked out at the sky, holding my little bag with my cloths and all the things I brought home from Hogwarts inside. I looked at the sky and I thought- how, exactly, could it possibly be my fault?

And then I was running; clutching the suit bag as tight as I could, back towards the building. Back towards my life.

No one came after me. I felt my mum's cool gaze on my bag, piercing a hole in my mind… inside I was screaming, emotions running wild around my head, telling me to turn around, to go back to my family- to my future. But I realized… I didn't want that future. Magic was a part of me- a part of who I was. It wasn't just my genetic makeup, like my mum, and my whole family wanted me to believe. It wasn't just a thing I could do- it was who I was. I was a magical human being, and nothing I do- get on a plane and runaway across the world, or try to ignore it for the rest of my life- nothing I do, will ever-_ever_- change that.

No one ever came looking for me again. No one loved me enough- cared for me enough- not even my magical family, my mum's family, who pushed me away since I was a squib's daughter- no one came to see if I was ok. If I was even alive, living alone like that in an abandoned house that wasn't sold yet.

They probably forgot about me by now. Anne is probably wondering if she ever had a big sister, or if I was just a childish little imaginary friend. I mean, it's not like she saw much of me for those last two years when I was in Hogwarts.

No one loves me, no one ever will- I just have to accept that and go on with my life. I mean, who needs love, anyway? I have Lily. And I have Coral, and I have a wide-open future ahead of me, either in Quidditch or the ministry or… whatever. I don't need a family. That's what guys are for, when you think of it, not stupid sex, but a building block to building a family.

Well, I already know family isn't really my thing.

Is it now.

**_Ok. Everyone listen up._ **

**_Everyone._ **

**_I'm going on a six-week vacation starting Wednesday, June 6. I'll be returning on July 21 (the irony!) and will not be able to buy the seventh book with everyone else sobs_ **

**_I will be taking my laptop, so updates probably won't be affected. The reason why I'm mentioning this is if I can't connect to the web, then I won't be able to update for the next month and a half._ **

**_Just letting you know of the possibility._ **

**_Reviews: (Four. Hmm. Should I be offended?)_ **

_J- You make an excellent point. It'll be hard to explain without giving some staff away and stretching this replay to be as long as the chapter, but oh well. See, most stories- if they do have James with another girl- have something wrong with her. She's stupid, usually, I've noticed, or cheats on him, or whatever. (Most stories- not all.) What I'm going for is something completely different- there's a reason why James like Jess, because she is- for the moment- the perfect girl for him. Jess got James off a rebound; really, he was just getting over Lily when he started tutoring her. But when he got to know her, she became more then a rebound- she was better then Lily, who was suddenly changing into this pressured, deniable, angry person. That's why James will have to stay with Jess until Lily gets over herself and her own problems and opens her eyes. Right now she's doing just that. The reason why I keep saying the it'll be J/J for awhile longer, is because there's something big coming that will push her back a long way. But that's too much information right there… read on:-) (And thanks for the constructive criticism. Made me think that through.)_

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- thanks! I did read your chapter, and reviewed it... maybe my review was late or something? I don't know. I'm glad you liked the chapter, and hope this one was ok... I always thought of Sirius as a guy that didn't really know where he belonged, you know with the family vs. friends thing, so I imagine him as this really fun guy that has a new girlfriend every week, but never finds what he needs in her... that sounded wrong. :-)_

_the geek over there- oh, good question. You should read the answer I gave "J", it's about the same thing... don't worry though- this follows cannon. Really. I'm just trying to give the story a twist most stories don't have, you know?_

_Lexy Granger- you know, I'm kind of happy you don't like Jess. I mean, it would be weird if you did. But really, I swear, this is a L/J story!!! They just have a little more... issues, to deal with then in some stories I read (though there are a few GREAT stories out there.) _


	27. Chapter 27

**From the Thoughts of Lily Evans:**

_And here I am, in the lake once again. _

_It is strange that I keep finding my way back here. It's so quiet. So preserved. Just like my own little world inside this silent bubble between the trees. _

_It's so cold now. Could it really be only November? November first… as of two hours ago. But so much has happened this year. So much has changed. _

_I am scared. There is this demon inside me- this terrible, horrible demon that won't leave. And suddenly, I know how James Potter had felt all those months ago. How no matter what he tried to do, he couldn't achieve his goal… He wanted one date, and I was too stubborn to give it to him. Too close-minded… Too…_

_Me._

_I feel like such a horrible person. Had all those things he said, all those yelling arguments we had- everything that ever made me hate him, had that been this demon that is attacking me now?_

_How can I be so cruel? How can I hate her- Jessica Norman- for making him happy? What have I ever done- I yelled. And I fought. And I punished, told on him countless times… why would he still want me, after all this time? What do I matter to him now?_

_But is it fair? I mean, it wasn't fair for me to push him away. Not with this… monster inside that only he could feel. It wasn't James Potter I was pushing, though, it was… that… demon. _

_But how I am now, this year, with this hysteria and hate I can't escape… that's not me. I know myself- I would have never sent a Reducto at someone. I would have never hated someone like I hate Jessica without a really good reason. I would never listen in on private conversations, never follow people into a teashop to see them making out. _

_What's happening to me?_

_God, here are those frustrating tears again. I really am a water lily, aren't I? God. Ok, you can stop now. Stop! God, before someone sees…_

_Why should anyone see? No one comes this way. Everyone is at the party… well, Remus and Coral are eating each other up somewhere among the bushes, but that's on the other side of the lake. And Aly is still waiting for Peter to come. Poor thing. She tries to act like it doesn't affect her, all those boys chasing her and then turning out to be… not the right match- but it does. I've known her forever. I can tell._

_I wish I could go back to being that old Lily Evans. The one that James Potter chased, and the teachers adored. I can't handle this. Not this year. Not my N.E.W.T.s year. It's just… too much._

_And there's that letter from mum. And Petunia's wedding scheduled this February. How can she marry that Dursley guy? How can mum and dad let her?_

_She still hates me. After all these years, after everything I've done- she still hates me for turning out a witch. _

_What does she want me to do, though? What does she want me to DO?! I can't just… give up magic. It doesn't work that way. _

_The music stopped. I think the band's getting ready to leave. They were really good. I mean, I guess- if I wasn't too busy spying on Potter and Norman, I could have enjoyed it. All those guys I danced with surely did. And the drinks were great, too. Didn't get to taste any of the food though. I bet it would have been fantastic. The house elves always do a fabulous job. _

_It's getting so cold…_

_All right. I'm opening a new leaf. I'm going to contain that demon inside. I don't care what it does- I'm stronger then it. I have nothing to be jealous of Norman for. I mean, sure, she's got James, but I still have my friends. And there are a lot of guys at Hogwarts. If he's happy with her… well, they have my blessing. _

_And I'm gonna write to my sister to congratulate her. If she's happy with that jerk, then I'm happy for her. _

_Kind of._

_And I'm getting a new schedule. I need to start studying. _

_And talk to Aly. And Coral. We haven't had a real talk in a while now. _

_Well, better get started…_

**Remus Lupin**

Sirius let out another bark-like laugh.

Remus chuckled. A few more of those, and Padfoot would uncover them all as animagus… Not that his half drunk friend could possibly help himself. Merlin, Norman _was_ funny…

Coral smiled at him, placing a warm hand around his shoulders. She didn't touch the fire whiskey, of course… neither did he. Well, not as much as Sirius. Or Aly, who was jumping from couch to couch, dancing around in the fire, while singing crazy, unrecognized lyrics with dizzy eyes.

He chuckled again.

"So this is what you guys do when I'm away at the Head Room?!" James demanded with mock anger. "And I thought you were decent, Moony!"

"Remus is, but he's_ definitely_ not," laughed Jess, pointing at Sirius, who decided to join the black-headed teen in a wild dance on one of the tables.

On.

"Go Pads!" James yelled, exploding with laughter. He took another swing of the butterbeer in his hand. "Let's see what you got!"

"Oh, Aly!" the shriek was Coral's. She had her hand over her mouth, unsuccessfully trying to cover the wide grin spread across her face. "What are you _doing?!_ "

Aly blinked up, letting Sirius twirl her again. Remus shook his head. He'd never seen freezing cold Alyson Morla so drunk and insane as long as he knew her…

Sirius he's seen worst, though.

Which was quite disturbing thinking about, considering the way his friend was staring down Morla's dress.

"Alright, how 'bout another round?" proposed James, raising yet another glass of butterbeer up high over his head. Amazingly, none of it splashed down on Jessica, who had her head in his lap.

"Yes!" yelled Sirius enthusiastically. He fell off the table, fortunately landing on the soft cushions of a nearby sofa. "To McGonagall and Dumbledore's secret affair!"

Remus chocked on his own drink.

"How about… to romance? " he suggested once getting his wind back.

"Yeah!" Sirius blinked happily. "To romance!"

"And love," added James, looking down. Remus looked away. It was still hard to believe Prongs was snuggling away happily with a blonde instead of the red head he's been chasing for so long.

Talking about said red head…

"_What is going on here!!!"_

**Sirius Black:**

He looked around stupidly.

Merlin, that bloody alcohol… so tempting with its bloody bloodiness…!

"Evans…?" his voice sounded strange. Pretty colors emitted from the fire on Lily Evan's head, while her eyes spilled emeralds on the ground. Sirius looked around, seeing Jessica getting off Prongs' lap. Remus sat up, stopping Coral's play with his hair. Only Aly seemed unbothered, and kept her incredibly revealing dance on the table.

"Do you have any idea what's the time now?" demanded the flaring Lily. "If Professor McGonagall knew about this- Norman! What are you doing in the Gryffindor common room!!!"

"A better question would be what are _you _doing in this common room, Evans," Sirius said dozily. "Don't you have your own common room to go to?"

He probably deserved the kick from Morla's very sharp shoe. She didn't have to kick _right there,_ though…!

"Don't talk like that to Lilsy!" she yelled at him. Her eyes were still unfocused, and she wavered in place, threatening to fall off the table. She sat down instead, right there atop the bench.

"Aly, is everything all right?" a hint of concern crossed Evan's features. "You look…"

"Your face's burning up, Lilsy," informed her Morla. "Maybe you should put some water over it."

"…What?" Evans looked at Coral worriedly. "Did I miss something?"

"The exit," James said coldly. All eyes turned to him.

"Excuse me? I have the right to be here as much as you- and a lot more then her, now that you mention it-"

"I didn't mention it. And there's no rule saying people can't be in other people's common rooms."

"It's an unwritten rule," answered Evans, giving Jess a nasty glare.

"Well, then, I guess you guys gotta leave then," Sirius said. " Having the Heads Room and all."

He didn't deserve THAT kick at all.

"Will you quit it?!" he called

"Make me!" Aly said heatedly.

Sirius grumbled something with frustration. The colors were beginning to disappear, and he was suddenly developing a huge headache. Where is the fire whiskey when you need it?

Evans stared at James angrily. "You know something, Potter? I don't want to fight at the moment. Really. I want to-"

"You _always _want to fight, Evans." Said Prongs. "Name one fight we had that you didn't start."

"Oh, let me think… all of them?" She said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

"Yeah. Aha. Sure."

_That's a large vein,_ Sirius thought, seeing the blood rushing to Evan's head as her vexation grew.

"Know what? Why don't you just-"

"Lilsy, you're ruining the party," complained Morla. "We were having so much fun before you came. Why won't you come dance with me?"

"Because I haven't gotten myself too drunk to think over some guy, Aly, that's why!" Lily hissed. "Sorry for ruining the party for you all… you know, really didn't _mean_ to. I'll just leave."

"No, Lily- Aly's just- we were just- she didn't mean-" Coral stood up. She went after Lily, holding her dress between tiny, transparent fingers. She _had_ to get some more tan…

Evans ignored her friend's efforts. She disappeared behind the portrait.

"Well, what about that butterbeer then?" asked Sirius, scratching his head.

**James Potter:**

I feel like a jerk.

But she deserved it.

Who does she think she is? I mean, here we were- innocently having an after the ball party, not doing anything inappropriate or anything, and she just- comes in and ruins it. Why? What did Jess do to her that she has to bite at her all the time? So there's a Slytherin in the Gryffindor common room. Big deal.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

Well, it's not like Jess's Snape or something. She's ok… kind of more power hungry then most Gryffindors, but hell- so is Evans. And she's only striving for success, after all- nothing like those Death Eaters.

Yeah.

And still I feel all shitty and guilty. Why? Because Evan's bloody crying in the other room.

Why is she crying?

I don't get it. What does she _want _from me?! Seriously- for the last two years all I hear is- 'stay away from me, Potter, you giant headed jerk' and 'if you come a millimeter near me I'll hex the life out of you' and now- now she's crying because I told her to piss off.

Merlin. Girls are just- Merlin.

So of course I tried talking to her. I mean, I'm not stupid. I saw her twirling around about fifty different guys in the ball, looking at me and Jess with this murderous fire in her eyes. And I saw how she stalked away after I kissed Jess. She's obviously upset with me for some new reason or whatever. What did I do now? Is having a girlfriend illegal, too?

But when I asked her what was wrong- and I swear, I didn't yell, or sound sarcastic or bored or anything- just bloody _caring_- she snapped at me. Told me to get lost and never talk to her because I just don't get it.

I hope Sirius gets over the alcohol soon, so he can explain to me what this girl crap is all about.

Pad's the girl expert in the marauders. He's had about 200 girlfriends, and cheated on- like- 99 of those. He says none of them where anything… how'd he put it… _real._

Don't ask me. I'm the only one who's never had a girlfriend before. Even Peter has a girlfriend.

Who, by the way, is a Slytherin, and has been in the Gryffindor common room plenty of times before, without Evans getting all teary about it.

My head hurts. I don't know how I'll fall asleep with the sobs coming from the other room. Maybe I'll go take a nap in the old dorm… though my bed's not there anymore…

Or Maybe I should go try and talk to her again. I mean-

No. What am I- her best friend or something? Coral or Morla need to be doing this. I'm not her bloody stalker anymore.

And I never really loved her, anyway. She was just a phase.

A phase.

Right?

Right.

**_I got a connection!!_**

**_So incredily happy right now._**

**_Reviews:_**

_Infiniteternity- Thanks. Though I supposed not too many people liked Aly in THIS chapter… though it was obvious what would happen. Kinda. _

_The geek over there- People are starting to understand Aly! Yay!! Finally. I TOLD you she was… not mean. At least I think I did. My parents know they're buying the book. I mean, I've been complaining about it since December. J_

_Lifebeforetaxes- thanks you! I love angst, too, though this chapter was more of a romance one… oh well. _

_Black Blood Dragon Goddess- thanks for the advice. I don't usually give such long answers, really, but they caught me off guard! I didn't even think about it- not that much, anyway. The answer was as much to the reviewer as to my own notes. Oops. J And, following that very generous advice, I am NOT gonna tell you who Sirius ends up with. And you should remember that whomever he ends up with is destined to die. (Just a reminder. :-D )_

_Lexy Granger- the James thing wasn't of much importance, really. He admits to himself that his life is perfect. So he only writes when it's not, and he THINKS that won't happen too often, but…_

_Georgeluver92- yes, it kinda does! And I obviously got connection… a very slow, very annoying connection, but still…_

_IuvSEVERUS- Thank you! I do too care about pennames! I just so happen to know most of the regular reviewers. I mean by pennames, not personally… yeah. That would take forever. I'm glad you like the chapter, and hope you liked this one… even though Aly acted really… unlike herself here… yeah. _

**_Isn't summer vacation great? I just woke up and it's twelve. Oh, sweet freedom._**


	28. Chapter 28

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

It's been a while since I wrote in this thing. Two weeks. New record.

The last thing I wrote was a bunch of crap. Right now, the little pieces left over of the parchment I ripped up and thrown to the wind should be resting comfortably somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean.

But I don't want to talk about that. It was stupid, I was drunk. What I do want to talk about is what happened today in the Quidditch Game.

It was hysterical!

It is the middle of November, which is the beginning of Quidditch season. Potter has been pushing us for the last few weeks, five practices a week, in every weather. And today, it all paid off. We kicked the Slytherins into next year, which is the only time when they'll ever have a chance to win the Cup again. The new tactics we thought up worked perfectly. The end score was 420 to 160, Gryffindor at the lead.

The game was long. Almost five hours, I mean. It was LONG. But so much fun. Lily and Coral made a huge sign for our teem, with a huge lion drawn biting a snake's head. They charmed it to move and roar every once in a while- God, if I could only _never_ forget the look on the Slytherins' faces!

But the greatest part of the day- meaning, except the incredible win, great support, and unbelievable exhilaration of the whole thing- was when Potter and Norman had that fight over the Quaffle. You'd think, since his girlfriend's the keeper for the enemy team, Potter would go easy on her. Being the lead chaser and all. But no- it seemed that, probably trying to impress her with a spectacular, fully worth it win, he was playing at his prime. Really. Some shots were just plain unbelievable, done from impossible angles under some unbeatable defense. But once, near the end of the game, right before I spotted the snitch near the bottom of the Hufflepuff sits, (and did a brilliantly quick, silent, and satisfactory dive to get it,) Potter got a little too close to the Slytherin hoops. He was carrying the Quaffle, ready to bomb it right past Norman- a move that is daring, impressive, and very stupid. But we were winning by about a hundred points, and, well, Potter _is- _to put it in Lily's words-a bigheaded git. While he steadied his aim to shoot, Norman did something even stupider- she left the hoops, unguarded, to pull a surprise attack on the whole bloody school. She flew right up to Potter, at full speed, showing no signs of stopping.

I think it's right to say no one has ever tried what she tried. Ever. Maybe it's because it's too risky; too unpredictable. Too weird. Or- maybe-because it's too bloody brilliant.

She stormed up to him. The whole audience was holding their breath. One of the Bludgers hit Black, him not paying any attention to the other Beaters or the game itself. (Idiot.)

And when the two finally connected, their brooms moved together backwards- upwards- and very, very far away from the hoops. I don't know what they were doing, but by the end of it the Quaffle was in Slytherin hands, Potter was blushing harder then I thought possible, while grinning like a drunk monkey, and Norman was smirking to herself, gracefully making her way back to her hoops.

I caught the snitch a minute later.

And it's said in the hallways that Potter and Norman were seen running into a broom closet right after the game.

You know, it's strange, how James Potter- the known Slytherin prankster- ended up with one of them. The school has been buzzing for weeks, with unlikely gossip about the new couple. New? They've been dating for a few weeks now- a definite record around here. After Remus and Coral, of course. And a few of the more… _trusting_ Hufflepuffs, too.

Everyone's either happy for them, or ready to kill them. I mean, the James Potter Fan Club has been going strong for years now, with that bulletin board in the girl's bathroom detailing every aspect of the star Quidditch player's life. And Jessica Norman's stalkers are still looking at her longingly in the library and between classes, as Potter walks her to lunch or everywhere else. So many hearts have been broken by this new relationship.

Though most of them will get over it very quickly, I predict.

Not so with our Lily. She's been sulking a lot. She's hiding it well, of course, but Coral and I? We can tell. We _are_ able to be good friends when we try.

It's just that I, personally, don't regularly try.

She's broken inside. Really. All she's been doing for the past two weeks is work on a Christmas Ball, to make up for the Halloween dance she didn't help with, and studying. And tutoring, of course, though Coral's been telling me how Lils' discouraged by the growing number of students asking for Potter's help over hers.

It's upsetting. Lily can be real fun when she doesn't have her secret love not talking to her. She's funny, she's sweet, and she's brilliant to have in a conversation. But lately she doesn't wanna join any conversation. She doesn't even talk. And it's not like the hysteria she gets into before a big test, while, if she's not reading, she's driving everyone nuts with quotes and details she's got memorized. Now she's just… quiet. I find myself wishing for a remark- any remark- about how Quidditch it a dangerous sport that shouldn't be played in a school, or a how house elves aren't animals and we can't behave to them like slaves.

And that's saying something, right there.

But no. She stays in her room in the dorm she shares with Potter, sitting in her bed all day, reading or studying or looking out the window, thinking. She only comes down to grace us with her presence at meal times and during class. And it's not that she won't let us come in her room, or ignores us, or anything like that, but it's like… it's obvious that she's not interested in talking. About anything.

_Anything_. Including schoolwork, and future careers, life beyond Hogwarts- she won't even complain about her grades, or talk about what she's planning as head girl. Not without former questioning.

It's really quit horrible.

The worst thing is, I no longer feel like she's listening to me. I mean, I need Lily- and Coral- to get myself through school. If I was left unguided, I wouldn't do any homework, wouldn't study for any tests, won't care what so ever what the hells going on with my own life. They bring me down from the clouds- they've always done that. And I've known Lily forever. I'm used to sharing everything with her. No- I _relay _on sharing everything with her.

It's not that I'm selfish, thinking aout myself- not worried about her in her time of need, only about my own problems and hardships with her so depressed. I worry. I do. But I _need_ her to talk to me about this really big thing going on in my life now. The TWH Society sent me an acceptance letter- I'm going into an interview soon to the part I'll play in it. Meaning, what my job would be. It's all about volunteer work, helping wizards in Britain and everything. Teen Wizards Help. It's obvious enough.

I've always liked volunteer work. I don't enjoy being tied down by a one truck sort of career- like Lily with her Healings, Coral with her Ministry thing. I like having my possibilities open. I enjoy the freedom of _choice. _

And TWH can give me that. I might work in the ministry, might be traveling, and might be working on construction. There's even journalism as an open possibility. And of course, I can always do it on a smaller or larger scale- if I wanna go into, lets say, auror training, then I can do both. Or if I go into Professional Quidditch. Man, I can go and teach at a Wizarding school in Antarctica while searching for the Yeti and still contribute to the TWH.

And, if I get high enough at the company, it'll stop being volunteer work. I'll get paid from the government for being a great help to Wizards everywhere.

Plus, it's a great way to meet new people. For example, if I get what I want to get as my first assignment- managing a charity event for eleven year old orphans all over Europe to have money fro supplies and acceptance to wizarding schools (not all school are like Hogwarts, supporting their own students) - then I'll be a part of a team of- like- ten people. We'll all think up what to do (a dance? A race? A big picnic?) And then do our best to do it. The money collected will be my first contribution to wizarding society.

The interview will be scheduled soon. I really can't wait. And i want lily to join me. I think she's planning to, but what I really want is for her to join the TWH, too.

It's the perfect thing for her. She loves helping people even more then I do, and i'm sure she'll realize soon that being a healer- while a really good way to help- doesn't really touch that many people. Really. Mainly old people.

Unless there's a war or something. But that's not gonna happen.

So really, she has to...

Oh, who am I kidding. This has nothing to do with it. I'm worried about her. She's not eating, and I don't think she's sleeping so well. What if she gets sick? She's my best friend. I can't lose her. Not her. We've known each other for too long for me to get over losing her now.

And if she joins the TWH, she might meet some other, nice guy or something. I don't know, Merlin knows I'm not an expert in romance. It'll take her mind off things. I wanna see the spark back in those emerald eyes.

Don't tell _anyone _I said that.

**Remus Lupin:**

"Wait. Wait a second. I… the unicorns- they're mammals? I always thought- in all the stories I heard they were 'born from the light' or whatever. No by… well, parents."

Remus smiled to himself. Muggleborns. Always confusing fantasy with reality.

He was sitting in the tutoring room, looking down at a small third year looking at him with big, imploring eyes. Her lost expression reminded him of a small kitten. He imagined McGonagall looking at him like that.

He chuckled.

"You need to forget those old fairy tells, " he told the young girl. " 'Care of Magical Creatures' is a science, not a bunch of legends. Did you see the unicorns?" she nodded, adopting a slightly unfocused gaze, smiling at the memory. "well, you saw- they're living, breathing creatures. You gotta understand that they're not much different then a… cat. Or a lion. Only they have some remarkable adaptations- some fantastic magical abilities. That's the only difference. Get it?"

"I think so," she said carefully, looking down at the book again.

Leaving her to battle with the essay, he stretched, glancing around. They were deep into the tutoring session, and the usual, low murmur of students teaching and learning filled the large room. Remus smiled at seeing Coral, sitting by one of the wooden round tables, three kids, raging from 12 to 15, seated around her, listening intently to her explanation of magical theory. He waved to a few of his fellow prefects, who each had a group of confused looking students looking up to them admiringly in various locations in the room. Looking back at his own flock of youngsters, he pointed out a few pointers to a fourth year struggling with dragon blood uses.

Merlin, did he love teaching. Many times he had considered aiming to be a teacher, but he knew that his illness would never allow it. Too many people feared werewolves to trust their children with one for seven long years.

He sighed, looking at the setting sun outside the window. The moon would be up soon. His mortal enemy… stranded up there, mocking him. Day after day… night after night, growing brighter and retreating again. Always whispering of the near coming day when they'll meet again.

A hint of a grin passed through his lips, as he remembered of the last full moon. For the first time in a few very long months, Prongs had joined them in their midnight flee. Flee of the school, the responsibility, the things that always tied them down… the normal, day by day schedule that really did get old at times. Even for him, the nerd that he was.

And having Prongs with them again was like the sun rising after a century long storm. Padfoot was barking excitedly every once in a while, offering no explanation of the random act of happiness. Wormtail has been stepping around their feet, squeaking delightedly. Remus would have been annoyed- all the tripping the small rodent caused!- if he wasn't too busy howling at the top of his lungs, running around like a crazed pup. Prongs stood there, almost smiling, as proud and magnificent as they remembered. There was no memory of his past pains- the healers took good care of his injuries. It was like old times.

Almost.

Shooting a glace at his friend, Remus studied the smiling face of James Potter. Who would have guessed that their silly prankster of a friend was such a great teacher? At least a dozen kids were sitting on the floor around him in a half circle, staring at him, opened mouthed. One fifth-year Ravenclaw was even taking notes, probably already getting ahead for his OWLs. And there was James, his eyes sparkling, explaining the complications of Transfigurations. He moved his hands wildly, took his wand out to demonstrate a certain gesture, an angle, something even Remus wasn't aware of. It was amazing, how good both James and Sirius were at Transfigurations. They never needed any help with homework in that class, and even had to explain some staff to Remus through the years. But this, this was beyond anything Remus could think of. James didn't even need notes. He just knew everything- naturally. Easily. Without opening a book.

Jessica Norman was staring at him longingly from a char in the corner, where she was reading the Potions book, finishing up an essay. It was rare, nowadays, to see James Potter or Jessica Norman more then a few steps away from each other. During some classes, Quidditch Practice, and at night.

To say the truth, it was a little frustrating. It was like James had little time left for the marauders, even after they made up any everything. During the full moon he revealed, finally, how many ideas he actually had for pranks, and improvements of the map. Normally they barely had a chance to talk to him alone. And though Jess was incredibly nice and fun to be with, she wasn't a marauder. She wasn't- could never be- one of them.

It was strange, even, he admitted to himself, rather hesitantly. Judging others wasn't something he enjoyed much, though Alyson told him time and again that he was very good at it. But James and Jess were almost inseparable. James kept on with his life- classes, tutoring, even marauder time- which he didn't miss, ever. But Jess came along with him. everywhere.

It wasn't the same.

But he's happy, Remus reminded himself. He's more then happy- he's ecstatic. The old James was back.

Sort of.

**From the Fantasy of Jessica Norman:**

The Princess is worried.

She is very concerned. Things are going so well with her Prince- so perfect. She loves him more then the morning sun, and he loves her back just as hard. Did he not, only the moon rise before, tell her that he wished he could pull a star out of the sky and give it to her in a necklace she could always wear, to remind her of his endless love to her?

Love. How lucky was she, to be loved by someone so open with his feelings, his emotions. So loving, so caring, even a tad jealous where it was necessary. Not that he should be. Not him. Let the others rot- James Potter was hers, now and forever.

The Princess couldn't help but smile at his incredible teaching skills. Sitting there, by the window, where the sun was setting over the beautiful lake. Hiding behind a Potions book, she looked at his deep hazel eyes, shining with excitement and heat as he talked to the students spread around him. His hair, a wild mess of black softness, flew around him as he gestured and pointed out different, and unusual, perspectives. Ingenious. He was amazing.

She felt her lips curl to a gentle smile, placing the last touched on the doodle covering most of her homework. J+J AMONG THE CLOUDS it said with big, bold letters. She added a Quaffle, hoops, and a cloudy, blue sky.

The Prince's gaze caught the Princess's. She blushed, sending an air kiss his way. He winked at her.

But something was bothering their perfect fairytale. The Princess's father, the Great King Muggle, who wouldn't agree to his youngest daughter being with a magical being.

Christmas Break was few suns away. Mid November is long gone, December closer then ever, and the last days of pure joy spent with her Prince were at an end. The Princess was returning to the castle. And there, with the four elder Princesses looking down at her because of her gift, the Queen talking to her with that cold, almost angry tone for two whole weeks… and the King, investigating, always with his questions… demanding to know everything about her school, her life. Could they not see that she wasn't like them- wasn't chained down by their lack of magic? Her gift was… it was good. Not a mutation- nothing to be ashamed of. Why could they not understand that?

Why did they fear her?

The Princess put her quill down. The soft tingle of tears in her eyes made her dive back behind the pages of the book. In a few months she would be eighteen, and could leave home forever. But until then, would she be forced to take her sister's horrible taunts, let their words sting her like the coals in a fire?

Would she let herself be that little helpless child again, standing alone among people who hate her, taking all their curses, all the humiliating things they said, with no one to stop them? How long could she look away from those letters, filled with the leering memories of her family?

She didn't want to go back to the castle. The Princess wasn't sure if she could… not… tell them about her Prince- her love- her world. Could she hide such a thing from the King? With his burning questions, that left harsh, painful marks all over her soul?

Could she?

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

This is so not funny.

This is so incredibly not funny.

Actually, it's so far from being funny, it might just be really, _really _sad.

And upsetting. And frustrating. And- and- and---

SO NOT HAPPENING!!!

GOD! I am going to murder him! That stupid, sexist, egomaniac! Lunatic! Over hyper idiot _prankster_!!! That freaking son of a b-

…

Coral said I should stop cursing. Especially on paper, since then there's evidence left over. She took away the recorder, and gave me this disapproving look.

Well._ Fine._ No cursing. (cough) no bad words. No name calling. _Fine._

I left the common room, and am sitting comfortable in the library. Here I can curse.

Yay.

Merlin, he just got me so frustrated! I mean, God! Doesn't he have a life? Why does he have to keep on messing up mine?!!

I had the TWH interview today. It was perfect. Three people sat there and asked me questions about my school life, intentions, my hopes and all about myself for the future. I'm pretty sure they liked me, probably because I refused to break eye contact, refused to back down. They said they like my attitude. I told them I liked it, too.

And then they laughed, told me I have a good chance at becoming something in the TWH, and asked me to leave and call the next girl up.

It was strange. They had the girls and the boys in different rooms. I wasn't sure why. One of the people sitting there said that they wanted to have it equal, as in five boys and five girls in each team. That was fine by me- the TWH had a lot of older guys in it, guys that I wouldn't mind meeting.

Soon they were done. There are three teams, ten people in each. Most of us would get into a team, but some would have to go home and hope for a second chance. It was all rally exciting, and some of the girls were giggling nervously.

I rolled my eyes.

Finally, a guy came out with the list of names and positions. We all crowded around it, and the room was soon filled with squeals of happiness and hugging people. It was embarrassing.

Though I really wished Lily or Coral were there, so I could do the same thing.

See, I didn't just get _in_to a team- I was names Captain! Co-captain, but still, a great honor. I would be working with some guy for the next month or so, through Christmas break, which will start in two weeks, until we'll be ready to put forth the event for the school supply-buying thing.

The guy who brought the list our smiled at us, and then, acting like a dramatic fool, posted the boy's list- so we could see who we'll be working with fro the next few months.

And you know who my co captain is?

Of course you do.

_Sirius Black._


	29. Chapter 29

**Sirius Black:**

"Mr. Black!"

"Huh?"

Professor McGonagall loomed over him threateningly, her eyes burning and furious. " 'Huh' is not a proper English word, Mr. Black. And I would appreciate it if you would be so kind as to remain alert and _awake_ in my classroom! Especially with the midterm next week!"

"Wow, Minerva, didn't know you cared so much…"

He blinked sleepily, smiling at her. She looked down at him distastefully.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor, Mr. Black. And detention, if I have to remind you again."

She left, again standing at the front of the class- which was deep in its giggling.

Sirius looked around smugly. The yawn sort of ruined the effect, but that's a by-note. He winked at Jess, who was looking at him good-naturedly, sitting next to James on the sit before his.

James wasn't looking back. He's already got a detention to serve off that period, and though the record was nowhere near broken (it was, up to that moment, 8 different detentions to 7 different teachers on the same day- which had only 4 periods in it.), getting in any more trouble wasn't a very good idea anymore.

Returning his gaze to his notebook, charmed to take the notes for him, Sirius frowned. It was strange how things have changed since the year before. For the better, that is. At this time last year he, James and the others would be making plans for the last prank before Christmas break… they would be sneaking into Hogsmeade to buy explosives to set off on the last bell, or maybe just getting a head start on presents. He and James would be getting ready for two weeks of vacationing in James's place, with the Potters showering them both with attention, presents, and _really_ good holiday food…

Not this year. This year, Sirius would be staying alone in his flat, while Remus stays with his parents and Peter in that orphanage of his. James… well, they weren't really sure what James would do.

The first plan was for him to go to Jess's. But that was quickly distinguished, by Jess herself, and her fears of her dad's reaction of her boyfriend's magical nature. Then they thought that James could go to Sirius's flat. But that tiny place had barely enough space for one crazed teen, nevertheless two… especially if they happened to do the very leaders of the Marauders. And so, for the moment, and the first time in the last seven years, James Potter was staying at Hogwarts.

That would have been pretty good, if only Sirius wasn't as good a friend as he was.

Because it was so bloody obvious that James was having second thoughts.

"So, Mr. Black," Sirius looked quickly, expecting to see Professor McGonagall standing over him again. He grinned at seeing Jess staring at him sternly.

"The bell just rung."

"Wicked imitation, Norman," he said. "Where have you been last year when we tried getting into the teacher's lounge? You know they have voice activated passwords."

"They do?" she said, surprised. James, standing besides her, hit Sirius on the head.

"No, they don't. But the passwords always have something to do with _books _" he said the last word as if it tasted like poison in his mouth. "And the _authors_ of _books_. It's horrible."

Jess laughed, shaking her head.

Sirius bit his lip.

It wasn't that he didn't like Jess. She was great. She wasn't like a Slytherin at all. Apart from being a muggleborns herself, she wasn't as arrogant as some Slytherin he knew, or as mean, or demanding. She seemed like the perfect girlfriend to Prongs.

And Merlin knew how happy they were that the insanity with Evans was done.

And yet… Lily Evans… well, it was weird. How can anyone, even James, stalk one person for over two years and then just… stop? Just like that?

Even with all the changes going on. Even with his dad dieing, his mom… well, whatever happened to _her, _and of course that step dad, Laurence. (Whom they haven't heard from in a while. Which was very worrisome.) And, of course, being head boy, this being N.E.W.T.s year, Quidditch captain, _and _(Merlin, this was a full year…) that curse Evans threw at him so carelessly.

Even with _all that,_ it was still too… convenient. For Jess to appear just at the right moment for James to be completely ready to fall for her.

Well, ok. It _was_ logical. Maybe James just noticed her more, specifically because he wanted to, after (and during) everything else going on.

And maybe Jess was just utterly perfect for James at the moment, with his life in such jeopardy.

But what'll happen when it's not in jeopardy anymore? Would Jess still fit into the equation?

And if she wouldn't, it would mean that she as just… a temporary thing. Just until things go back to normal- until James wasn't in constant worry, fear, and supreme pressure.

And if all that was true…

Wasn't James using her?

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona:**

Finally, a moment of quiet for me to write!

It's late at night on December eleventh. In ten days Christmas break would start- and in nine, midterms. Because, you see, not only do we need to take N.E.W.T.s this year, we also must take midterm tests in the middle of the year. Right before our vacation.

Our blessed vacation.

I know people think I love school enough to stay here every year, but really, even I need my breaks. That's why, this year, I'm going to Remus's house. His parents are both Healers- his mom being a full on lycanthropy specialist- and they're barely home.

Fun…!!

Merlin, I'm giggling like a little girl. It's the anticipation… just thinking about what we could do…

Where we could do it…

How long…

How good it would be…

Yeah. Giggling. Must stop soon.

Unfortunately, I'm the only one that seems very happy about the upcoming break. Aly, with her TWH thing, is furious. She'll have to meet up with Sirius Black a few times a week to go over their plans. She hasn't talked to him in forever, and is making a point of ignoring him completely. I don't know what plans they're supposed to go over, cause Aly didn't do anything and Sirius- well, of course he didn't do anything. He's Sirius.

And then there's Lily. She's planning to stay here, in Hogwarts, just so she could avoid being with her sister and parents and her… to be brother in law. She says he's horrible. I haven't met him, so I can't judge, but…

I am not jealous of her. At all.

My brothers- the ever-annoying twins- are planning to stay here. They could go home, of course, but being first year they're kind of excited at the thought of staying in a school were you don't go to classes.

The idea that this happens twice a week escapes them both.

Boys.

_They _don't have midterms. Why do we have to-

Merlin, I'm supposed to be studying. How could I forget that essay for potions?! And where's Lily? I need her help with that sleeping drought…

She's good with staff like that.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

I got a letter from 'dad'.

Which just completely ruined my vacation- and it's not even started yet!

I should have seen this coming. I _did_ see this coming. I knew he'd do something like this. I knew it. It was strange enough that he never wrote after what happened with the Marauders, and then the two weeks when I was _'missing'_, so _not _completely destroy my break?

Now _what the fun in__** that. **_

I was on my way back from tutoring. This fifth year Hufflepuff kept me late, with all her questions. No, I'm being mean- I love tutoring. Shocking, but true. I find myself studying harder so I can answer questions every Friday- and kids stop me in the hall to ask staff. It's great! Though Sirius has been making fun of me for a month, but still…

But I'm getting off topic. The letter was waiting for me on my desk, a small piece of paper with no envelope and no bloody signature. I guess he can't waste even the few seconds it takes to sign his own letter- not for _me._ Not that I'm complaining of the inattention, of course.

Actually, the way I see it, I'd rather he'd just forget I exist. But no. No, that would be too good, right?

No. I need to spend the break in the Potter Manor, seeing him rape my mother and seeing her not care. Is it considered rape if she doesn't care? I don't know. She doesn't stop him- and she doesn't let me, either.

But of course I do, anyway. Or try to. It's the bloody Gryffindor education, I swear! Too bad Gryffindors aren't super powerful, either…

Very painful mental image coming to mind right now.

But you know what? I think I would have been able to stand it. Well, unless I had to worry about the Marauders breaking in at any giving moment and trying to 'kick his ass' as Sirius so kindly said it last time. And what if I'm not there to distract him this time? I won't be the only one in the hospital then.

And _that_ would certainly get the authority's attention, won't it. They'll start investigating or whatever, figure out what he's doing…

Threaten to arrest him…

But they won't do it. Not soon enough. He'll kill mom- and me, probably, if I'm there.

And it'll be my fault.

Merlin, this is so great. So incredibly fantastic. I'm laughing with joy.

While sobbing with guilt.

Cause I'm not telling the Marauders.

_**Sorry about the wait. It was intentional, but still. (Long story.) **_

_**For everyone who didn't get answers about their reviews for the other chapter, my apologies... my computer wasn't functioning (what else is new) and I barely had time to update, never mind answer them. you were all well appriciated, anyway. :-)**_

**_Now- everyone looking for a very good, angst, James-centric love fic, please check out Nyxelestia's _**_(formerly known as Black Blood Dragon Goddess)_**_ A Game of Love and Trust. It's very well written, has a great plot with all sort of twists in it, and- just read it. really. It's fantastic._**

**_Reviews:_**

_Nyxelestia- soon... late... what's the difference, really? yes, Sirius and Aly are bound to have some... moments... in the near future, specifically Christmas Break, but I wouldn't get my hopes up JUST YET... (told you I'll do it today! if you read A/N, you might have seen both your names up there... :-D_

_the geek over there- Lily jumping him. it's funny you'd say that. (lol!)_

_james-s2-lily- well, it's been a while since I heard from you... hi! yeah, late updates though... very bad connection..._

_ Snowflake Prongsette- Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. and felt it. It's great hearing people think my work's emotional. :-) _

Special thanks to _Dogstar'n'LionHeart_ for reviewing all the past chapters. it's great knowing people care enough to review old updates.


	30. Chapter 30

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **

The funniest thing happened in Charm class today.

Well, _I _think it's funny. Coral told me it was cruel to laugh, and Lily gave me this strange, wondering look. (One among a lot of strange, wondering looks she's given me lately.) And I was the only one to laugh, except a few of the Slytherins and a Ravenclaw or two. Everyone else just stared.

It was really funny, though. Really! We were working on nonverbal, wand-less spells- which are, like, that hardest ones, as everyone knows. We were summoning staff, and this was- being the one of the last Charm lessons before break- also the finale chapter of the lesson plan. We were supposedly being 'tested' as Coral called it. Though _I_ think the Professor just got tired of teaching, so he let as practice and be done with it.

We were each given a feather (reminds me of a certain first year lesson…) and instructed to move it across the room with no wands, and no spells. Fun. If you managed it, then you got to try something harder- namely, a book.

And of course, this being the last session, few people were still using the feathers. I had a copy of _Dragon Eggs and Basilisk Venom, _my Magical Creatures textbook. It was flying around the room with great hardship.

Lily was guiding her _Hogwarts, the History _from window to window on a square pattern.

Prat.

Well, anyway. The Marauders, being the Marauders, started messing around in like, three seconds. Remus was doing pretty good, and Potter managed a straight line. Black, being the impossible brat that he is, was trying to make a copy of _Quidditch, Past, Present, and Future _make circles around some Hufflepuff. Only it wasn't going too well, and soon enough the heavy book (around 800 pages) fell right in front of her.

She screamed. I don't think she was that great a witch, or maybe she didn't like practicing, because- with her unbearable fear of the fallen book (please notice sarcasm) all the energy she was supposed to be putting to the charm went right at Black, and she managed to… move him, (yeah, let's say that) across the room and at the wall really fast and really… effectively.

I laughed my heart out.

Sow what if it hurt? He's a guy. He should be able to take it, right? I mean, God, he's suffered worse pains during Quidditch games and whatever. And it was bloody funny, so why shouldn't I laugh?

He tried talking to me yesterday during lunch. Something about meeting at his flat this vacation or something. I was tempted to throw a Reducto at him. (Please make Lily not read this. Ever.) Instead I ignored him. Pretended he was an annoying little bug.

It was fun, actually.

Eventually he gave up messing with me, and left to sit with his friends. It's impossible to evade this guy, and I hate it. I see him so often this thing could barely be called avoiding. Class, meals, Quidditch practice, Quidditch _games. _We see each other in the hallways, and when we happen to be at the Heads common room at the same time.

It's so frustrating. And I'm still trying to see why and how he could have possibly been made my co-captain in the TWH. I mean- really! He's… he so totally lied to them! With a record like his, and being a bloody _Black_! Honestly! Doesn't that stand for something?

Oh dear God, I'm starting to sound like Lily.

But for him to even _think_ I would come to his flat to work on the plans! Come on! I'd rather die then be anywhere where he's lived for the shortest amount of time. If we meet, and that's under great doubt at the moment, then it'll be in Diagon Alley, which is where I'll be staying this break. Like always. Alone.

Alone. Where I'll have a chance to work on the plans or something. You know, between work hours or something. Cause of course, I need to get money _somewhere._ It's bad enough coming to school with second hand books and cloths and what not, but what would I do when I get out of school? Before the TWH becomes not volunteering for me. I booked two weeks of pay in this restaurant, and then I'll also be working in that robe shop for a while. Nothing too hard, not that great pay, but it'll add up- especially the tips. I hope.

At times like this I really wish my family was talking to me.

Well, it's late. Tomorrow we have a last lesson in Potions before the test. Joy. I'm going to sleep now.

And dream of ways to get out of meeting Sirius Black. He's the last person I want to see just how I spend my vacation.

The cheapest room in the Leaky Cauldron won't be so impressive to someone as rich as him, now would it, Mr. Black?

**Sirius Black:**

"_Have you ever done this before?" _

_Her eyes, staring right into his. Her breath, so close to his face… mingles with his own breath, so near, so soft and inviting…_

"_No," when did his voice get so high? Or was it just the confusion of her body pressed against his, in this small place that they both got stuck in while running away from trouble…._

_Together…_

_Her eyes met his own. He looked away. Her hair, long and black and wavy. Her skin, so white, so bloody close… her eyes, a light chestnut brown that was so uncertain, hesitant, sweet… and she was searching him, same way as he was searching her… and then they met, but neither pulled away._

"_Me neither." _

_Her lips forming the words shot spurt of energy through his body. Her heart, thumping along side his- her hair, falling into his own face, shoulder, chest…_

_And finally, her lips, connecting with his own. Her eyes were open- so were his. Scared- frightened of this new experience neither knew. It was quick, almost unfelt, and yet they left a sweet taste over his mouth. _

_She leaned in again. This time, her eyes closed. He closed his own, letting her lips take hold of his. Her arm came close to his, and he awkwardly took it, cuddling the small fingers. _

"_Merlin's Beard!"_

_Light filed the closet, a figure standing in the door. They broke apart, embarrassed. _

"_Black, Morla, get out of there right now!"_

_One last look, one last touch, and they did. _

Sirius looked up.

He was in the infirmary, lying on one of the beds. Madam Pomfrey stood above him, holding her wand over his body.

He blinked.

"Welcome back, Mr. Black. You- no, stay in bed. _Stay in bed. _I mean it; you need rest, after that 'fall'. It's plainly unbelievable what those teachers are willing to do to get you youngsters good grades! Nonverbal _and _wand less! He won't hear the last of this, I promise you…"

Sirius blocked her out. Well that was interesting.

Memories of his second year flooded in. He remembered Alyson Morla, his friend, the closest thing to a girl marauder that ever was and ever will be. Good ol' Al. it was that day- during Defense class, that they stopped being friends. That day when they kissed that those… hateful… feelings they had now first erupted. Was it either of their faults that they got locked in that closet? How could it? And if it wasn't, why was this the outcome?

He signed. Those questions have been running through his mind for years. And he could never find an answer, could never imagine a cause. He never meant to kiss Aly. She never meant to kiss him… and that small, naïve kiss wasn't meant to lead to…

To this.

Then again, there's only a hair's worth of difference between love and hate.

Isn't there.

**Remus Lupin**

"What's that?"

Remus looked up. They were in the infirmary, him, James, and Peter, sitting by Sirius's bed. Said teen was satisfying his boredom while practicing the very mature art of jumping on beds.

"What's what?" Remus asked. Peter was holding a few folders; tide together carefully, filled with straight, tiny lines of neat handwriting.

"My history notes." Sirius said, falling to a sitting position as Madam Pomfrey walked by. "Midterm tomorrow."

"So?" James looked at him, appalled. "Since when do you study?"

Sirius gave him a calm look. "I heard it's worth some points," he said, taking the papers casually. "For our finale grade and stuff. You know."

"_I_ know," Remus said. "But you? I thought your motto this year was to learn, but not do anything."

"No, Moony. _My _motto rhymes."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're changing the subject."

"What is all this investigating all of a sudden? It's notes. Big deal."

Remus exchanged looks with the other two, as Sirius moved his attention- smiling idiotically- to the window and the Hufflepuff Quidditch team practicing outside.

"Hi!" James snatched the notes from his hand, opening them while Sirius scrambled to get them back.

" 'Muggle Rock Party' " He read, smiling. "Pads, are you developing an obsession we should know about?"

"No!" said the offended Black. "And give me that!"

James stood up, starting to move away. " 'Introducing muggle practices to Britain wizards, music, dancing, cloths, foods'… you're organizing a party?!"

Blushing fiercely, Sirius managed to get hold of the party plans. "Shut it, Potter, it's for the TWH!"

The others exchanged another look, before exploding with laughter.

"Merlin! So I'm trying to help helpless first year muggleborns! Sue me!" Sirius called, hunching angrily on his bed.

Remus grinned, taking the plans himself. Sirius fell helplessly on his bed, his face deep between the covers, moaning something incomprehensible.

The small, tiny handwriting was probably that pen Remus had got him for his sixteenth birthday. But the ten pages that followed, filled with descriptive descriptions of every little detail of the hypothesized party, starting with pay and ending with the color of the napkins, had Sirius written all over them. The endless detail of every moment, leaving the future guests no time to breath; the deep research about muggle devices and appliances, customs, and behaviors; even the sarcastic yet essential notes on the sidebars- Remus knew them all too well from the old pranks Sirius used to pull. Who knew he could express those talents in any way that wasn't… well, a prank.

"Padfoot, this is fantastic!" He exclaimed. "Merlin, Morla will be thrilled!"

Sirius blushed. "You think?"

"Are you bloody kidding, mate?" James asked, looking behind Remus's shoulder at the infinity of small, cramped lines. "It'd take me years to just read that!"

"Yeah, well… I had some extra time," trying to hide his grin, Sirius sat up once again. "You really think it's that good? I wasn't sure if it has enough-"

"It has enough of everything, Pads, this thing is longer then my transfigurations textbook," James said, looking at his friend with amazement. "That's what you've been doing all this time, then! I thought you decided to start a diary or something!"

"And when you went with me to the library," Peter added, "You were researching for this? I thought you said you were looking for a new broom cleanser!"

"Is this why you keep falling asleep in History?" Remus asked disapprovingly.

Sirius snorted. "I fall asleep in history because a ghost's teaching the class, Moony. I think that's reason enough."

Remus opened his mouth to object, but thought better of it.

"Well, yeah."

He held the loose parchment in his hands, looking over the orderly diagrams showing locations of stages, food courts, and explanatory stands. The whole thing was insane and brilliant, something that was probably never done before. They all knew Sirius was smart under all that silliness, but this was beyond genius…

"When are you meeting Morla, anyway?" Peter asked, relaxing in his chair. "Is she talking to you yet?"

"Nope." Sirius leaned down, taking a small ball from his questionably empty backpack, throwing it up and catching it again. " I don't know what I did. She refuses to come to my flat, and won't tell me where else we could go."

"Maybe Hogsmeade," James suggested, stretching out on a near by bed. "You know. Madam Puddifoot's nice."

Sirius threw the ball at him. James ducked. "I was thinking Diagon Alley, actually. It's a little closer to my flat."

"You could apparate," Remus said, putting the plans down.

Sirius gave him a look. "I hope you're over that moment of weakness."

"Yeah."

"Good."

**From the Thought of Lily Evans:**

_I'm beginning to hate this lake. _

_Why can't I be a normal person? Why can't I come to a beautiful lake just to enjoy myself? Why do I have to hide between the trees and hope no one notices my tears falling into the water?_

_What's wrong with me?_

_What's wrong with me? Why do I have nowhere where I could fit in? Why am I stranded alone by my family, my friends? Why do I stay alone in this huge castle, just me and this big, cold lake?_

_I feel like I'm floating among the waves, my hair spread around me like rays of sunshine. I feel emptiness all around, as if I'm here but not really, alive and at the same time dead. Why is this happening to me? What's going on?_

_I'm unfamiliar with this… emotion. There's an earthquake all around, and I don't know what to do. I stand on this small, breakable piece of land that moved and shakes and quivers. I'm too afraid to move._

_When had the world turned against me? When have all my fears come true? Since when did the strong, fierce, unbeatable Lily Evans become this…_

_Little girl?_

_Why do I feel betrayed that my parents rather have me stay in school then come home to fight with my soon to be married sister? Why do I feel hurt when Aly won't tell me where she's going, knowing Coral will be with her love? Why do I sit by a cold, almost frozen lake pitying myself alone, instead of going and talking to my friends about it?_

_What changed so much this year that made everything so…_

_Hopeless?_

_Why am I the only one to think so?_

**_Ok! next chapter is probably the best one I ever wrote... and it's stuck on a computer that doesn't work... so I'll just have to wait until it does (I am NOT rewritting that chapter! it was awesome the first time!!) sorry._**

**_Reviews:_**

_Minathia- Oh... I've got great plans for them, great plans! thanks for the sta/uff thing, I didn't even notice:-)_

_Nyxelestia- thanks! I love that line, too. I'm so glad you liked the chapter... I wasn't too sure about it myself. i love this one though. the Sirius/Aly thing has been in my mind for days. _

_the geek over there- I feel your pain. nnever been to summer school, but summer camp where you sit in a classroom... it's horrible. what's your story about?_

_Gburghwitchface- !!! don't sa that! that's next chapter!!!_

_Arashi-Chan-there'll be a lot of suffering in christmas brea, that's for sure... and thankyou! I'm so happy to have an addict...;-D_

_Four and Twenty Blackbirds- thankyou! I love Jess too. but... I love Lily more. ;-P_

_Lexy Granger- I made up for the shortness in this chapter. sort of. hee hee. I'm glad you like Sirius, cause I enjooy writting him. I like the way his mind works. _

_Aria Sparks- nonononono DO NOT MENTION THAT!!! come-on, just wait for the next update! (lily has a big, drastic part!!!)_

_IluvSEVERUS- thankyou so much!! I was actually woried that people thought it illogical that Laurance would be gone so long... oh well. :-P_

**_nine! yay! I feel so loved... (is everyone bored of summer vacation all of a sudden?)_**

**_thankyou all!_**


	31. Chapter 31

_**Ok guys- listen up. The next few chapters are going to be- apart from brilliantly amazing- extremely confusing. Up till now in the story, everything went by order of events. The only way I can keep up with that impressive record is to jump around. Doesn't make sense? Well, let me put it to you this way: Lily's writing (yes! Writing!) from the last days of Christmas. Yeah, Christmas is a while away, but I promise, it'll make sense by the end of everything. James is not writing from the end of Christmas, but rather… well, actually, I can't tell you yet. :-) sorry! It's two different times and… uh… wait, just confused myself… never mind. Everything will seem messed up for awhile, but it will make sense in the end. I swear. And if you have any pressing questions, I'm available. **_

_**On we go. **_

**From Lily Evans' Record of Past Events: **_**(During Christmas)**_

Coral says I should write this whole thing down.

She says a diary will be good for me.

Let out all the steam.

Will allow me to analyze everything, and realize that it's not my fault.

But it _is _my fault. All the steam I have is for myself… me. Lily Evans… a… murder.

But one thing Coral _is_ right about… reliving everything through a quill- putting it into record, so I could later read it and force myself to never repeat it again… to be able to remind myself, years form now, of what I've done and what I'll never, ever, for the life of me do again… that's good. That's the least I can do for the real victim in this whole crazy affair. A victim that actually turned out to be the most undeserving person in it all... I have to give justice to his memory, and to the memory of what is left of his friends.

It's all my fault.

But where do I start? How do you start a diary, anyway? Well, this isn't really a diary, is it? It's a record. Like Aly's record of hilarities or whatever it is… this is a record of my story. Of his story. Their story. Maybe I'll read it in the funeral.

I know. It all began with an attack on a little muggle town in northern England, by the feared forces of He Who Must Not Be Named, Lord Voldemort. Death Eaters. It all started there, I think. And with a letter from the Ministry I received just hours later, during dinner in the Great Hall.

The letter that said, in standardized, unemotional letters, that my mother- my sweet, innocent, loving mother-

Was dead.

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona: (**_**Present Time)**_

Lily got the letter during dinner.

I've never seen her so depressed before. We were in the middle of a conversation about Aly's favorite subject- Quidditch. It all seems rather pointless now. The owl, a white male covered by black stains, dropped the letter into Lily's soup, hooting enthusiastically. Some of the food got on Aly's plate, and she immediately shoot off with her characteristic ranting. She wiped the liquid away from her steak- (only Americans would be eating steak for dinner. Honestly!) and looked up to Lily.

When Lily finally took the soaking letter out, she wouldn't open it. She stared at the official envelope, seeing the formal signature and address- the Ministry.

Lily was right to be concerned. The Ministry doesn't just send people letters for the fun of it. And the reasons aren't generally good. Especially now, with You Know Who at full power and all…and if that wasn't enough, Lily wasn't the only one to get a letter this week. There were two girls in Ravenclaw Monday, and a boy from Hufflepuff just yesterday. None of them are here today.

Lily looked at Aly and me for support. I smiled at her encouragingly, trying to make it seem like nothing's wrong.

Aly, of course, was frowning suspiciously from my other side. I swear- that girl has no sense sometimes! Couldn't she see that Lily was at a time of need?

Then again, I suppose not lying to her wasn't that bad of an idea.

Because what came next was a shock to me, and a confirmation to Aly.

Lily opened the letter slowly. She took the heavy parchment out in trembling hands, and read it a word at a time- you could tell. Her lips moved with every syllable, every phoneme, sounding everything out. It took her a long time. I think she read a few times over, but I can't be sure… all I know is that she was still reading when she started crying. The tears were so silent at first I thought something got in her eye or something similarly basic… or maybe I just didn't want to believe it. Maybe I'm too weak to handle a friend that just lost her mum to You Know Who.

Aly, though, didn't fool herself. She was up and hugging Lily before I ever got my footing, rocking our sobbing red head back and forth with caring that she made sure she hid deep inside. Aly's like that… all tough on the outside, but a real softy deep in.

I took the letter, and read it myself. Once done, I shut my eyes tight. The blackness came as a blessing to the migraine I was suddenly developing.

But I knew I couldn't just pull away like that. Lily needed me. She needed guidance, help, and support.

I went over to her, putting my arms over her shaking shoulders. "It's going to be fine, Lily… I swear…"

"No it's not!" That shouldn't have surprised me. Aly wasn't surprised. Lily stood up awkwardly, her hair a mess, tears wetting her face. She was hiccupping loudly, whimpering as she looked around. Lost. I wanted to do nothing more then to hold her in my hands, comfort her until it all went away… But Aly stopped me. She let our friend make her way to the grounds, half walking half running and stumbling all the way.

"Give her some time for it to sink in," Aly said quietly, sitting back in her sit. "She needs to get used to it."

"Her mum just died," I whispered, seeing all the people staring at us. "How can you be so calm?!"

"I don't like emotion," Aly told me coldly, picking up her fork.

I was about to start an argument when I felt a hand tapping my shoulder hesitantly. Remus looked at me with his night blue eyes, the marauders looking at us from behind us. Potter was looking at the door where Lily disappeared. Pettigrew looked at Remus and me with an expression that wasn't exactly identifiable. But Black… Black was looking at Aly. Frowning, as if he heard what she said about her emotions.

As if he understood.

Aly is a very composed person. She has a record of funny things, she's silly, and she very rarely shows affection. For years I've been trying to figure out what's causing her isolation… even from Lily and I. But she hides her feeling so well… I gave up a long time ago.

But now it's back, full blast- what's wrong with her? Both her parents are alive and well, she has no siblings to be maddened by (like Lily and her older sister) and she's a muggle born from the United States. She's pretty, smart, athletic, funny… what's the problem?

But then, there's always a problem, isn't there? As perfect as anyone may seem, they always have something wrong with their lives. Aly cutting herself from her emotions is her thing… but what's causing it?

Her past?

Most likely.

And what does Sirius Black have to do with it?

Lily's been gone for two hours. Aly is inviting me to go look for her. I'll write more later.

**From James Potter's Journal: **_**(Present)**_

Evans was sitting by the lake when I caught up to her.

It was a few hours later, of course. Who knows better then me how long it takes to get used to death… and how much you want to be left alone. But at the same time, you really want to be with others. You really want to take your mind off things. The solution is simple enough…

It doesn't exist.

But if I know anything about this, and I know- I've relieved my dad's death enough times in my mind- I truly _know-_ is that as much as you want to be alone, you shouldn't be allowed to. You shouldn't be allowed to sulk on your own, alone in your own little world of misery… I had my friends; right after his death… they were there, all three of them, to get me talking, to get my mind of the fact that he wasn't there. That my dad wasn't there, and that he'll never be there again.

My mum, on the other hand, didn't have anyone. No one to lean on in that time of need. She isolated herself, from the world in general and more importantly- from me. And from his memory. She didn't like to think about it- so she didn't. And she ended up in bars, drinking, meeting strange new people… like John Laurence.

No way in hell I was going to let that happen to Lily Evans.

So here I was, after escaping Jess, and the marauders, walking quietly through the soft grass towards the red head sitting under the trees, curled up near the lake. Her red hairs fell over her hands, which were hugging her knees tightly- so tightly it must have hurt. I could tell that she was looking at the water, not crying anymore. The sun was setting, and her reflection was supported by various shades of yellow, orange, and red.

It was beautiful.

I came close, and sat down by her. Not saying a word. There was nothing to say. Nothing I could possible say to make it better.

She didn't look up- she ignored me, or maybe was too deep in thoughts to notice I was there.

"Are you happy now?"

Ok… maybe not.

"What?" I honestly wasn't getting it. I came here to help her- you know, to be with her at a time of need because I could truly relate to her situation- it was only this last summer that I lost my dad… how could she possible find something wrong with that intention? I mean, I know it's Evans and all… and she probably is able to find something wrong with everything I do… but seriously! This was… a complete selfless act, no? How… why… what?!

"The ultimate humiliation, right? Seeing me cry like that in front of everyone. The big, strong Lily Evans, breaking down. You must be in the clouds."  
Oh. I was starting to get it. She was blaming me. Again.

I swear, that girl has an imagination…

"How could you possibly be blaming me??"

And I was ready to tell her just that. She could get me so frustrated sometimes! You know how people sometimes tell you things and you think…"Man, what is your _problem?!_" I know, I was horrible a few years ago. Hell- I was horrible a few months ago. But it's like- she just won't let it go. And I've been different- and everyone says so- since August. What is she so flipped out about?

"How could I? Let's think. You never miss the opportunity to prank me, do you, Potter? Never did, never will. And what's better at a time of war, then to fake a letter saying –"

I was starting to object, starting to defend myself- reject her… insane… offenses… when I finally got it.

Lily Evans, queen of denials.

"Evans… your mum is dead," I told her bluntly. She gasped, and looked away from me. I saw tears shining in her eyes. "I didn't fake any letter. No one is cruel enough to fake a letter telling of the death of a friend… a parent. Especially not me."

"Oh, and why not?" offensive again. She was avoiding it… just like my mum. Avoiding the facts, avoiding the truth… avoiding death.

Lily Evans… queen of denials.

"Because I've lost someone, too. I know how you feel."

"It's not the same."

"Isn't it?"

She sniffed, saying nothing. A lone tear rolled down her cheek.

"It's not the same," she repeated suddenly. A flash of insanity flashed in her emerald green eyes. "It's not the same. You knew he was gonna die… you were ready…he was sick for months. You were there with him, in the hospital. You were there… they probably told you exactly when and how and why…" the next thing that left her lips was a whimper, and suddenly she was sobbing again, pushing her hands over her eyes to try and escape it all. I wanted to touch her… to put a hand on the quivering shoulder, to try and set her to peace again.

I didn't dare, though.

Lily Evans, queen of denial…

"It doesn't matter how people die," I said instead. Her sobbing reduced to sharp intakes of breath, and I knew the tears were still streaming under her arms. "It never matters how, or why, or when. The only thing that matters is that they aren't there anymore… and even if you knew exactly when it happened, and even if you could have said goodbye- you never really can. My dad died in the operation room… the last time I had talked to him was through the fireplace I was here, in the Gryffindor common room, the last time he was conscious. " Her sobs increased again. She was trying to block me out.

But she had to hear this. I don't know why… she had to hear it.

"For a while I thought that if I had a chance to tell him something before he… he left, if I could tell him how I loved him, how I'm sorry for everything bad I ever did and any fights we ever had and anytime I disobeyed… I thought for a while that if I could have said goodbye, it would have made it better. But you know what, Evans?" I wasn't looking at her, but staring away at the setting sun, instead… lost in memories. "It wouldn't have mattered. Because at the end of the day, he was dead. And weather I had witnessed it or not would have made no difference… he was dead."

"You knew it would happen. You were prepared…" she croaked. I could hear the cry in her voice, the sorrow… the pain, emitting from that part in her heart that was slowly emptying of the soul who used to reside there… a soul who'll never be back to fill in the gaps.

"No one could be prepared for death, Evans." I whispered, looking at the shining water at my feet. "No one can be ready to loss someone…"

"Shut up!" she screamed at me suddenly. She was standing now, her voice high with salty water still flooding her face. "Just shut up!!! What do you know about me? What do you know about my mum? You're just a spoiled brat that always got everything he wanted… what do you know about- about anything? What do you know about going to sleep afraid that you'll wake up and hear that your parents, or friends, or family are dead just because they don't have magic… they're muggles? What do you know about knowing that you're a target of one of the most powerful, evil wizards in history just because you were born to parents who weren't a part of Wizarding society? What do you know about checking behind your shoulder every time you go out alone at night… afraid that someone will come up and torture you to death just thinking about your bloody genetics?!! What do you know about your mum… dieing… not naturally- not because it was her time- not a stupid illness- but murdered, Potter- purposely killed by a group of pureblooded maniacs, just because she was… related...to you?! What do you know about having to consider lying about your heritage because you're worried of putting your friends and family in danger from a group of-"

"Evans, give me a break!" I yelled suddenly, filling my own pain raise up inside me. "Everyone has problems- the fact that you're muggleborn has nothing to do with your mum's murder! Didn't you read the Prophet? The whole bloody street was put on fire-"

"What do you know!" she was screaming still, louder, with no pause. "About having to prove yourself every single day against a prejudiced society of pureblooded lunatics that think they're better then everyone just because-"

I've had enough. I had been standing up for a while now… not sure when I got up… and was now standing above her, looking down at those defiant green eyes with my own, blazing hazel. "And what do you know, Evans," I roared, overcoming her hysteric shrieks, "what do you know about being considered a 'blood traitor' by half the Wizarding population? What do you know about seeing people in the street and knowing them from childhood and still not being able to talk to them because they might be working for your enemy? What do you know about having all your relatives fighting in the war, dieing one by one, month after month, week after week? You think you're the only one that got that letter? You think muggleborns and halfbloods are the only one suffering from this war? You think that I- or Sirius- a Potter and a traitor Black- can walk alone in the street, unarmed? Do you have any idea how many of those people we always read about in the paper I knew? All those in the 'Dead' section? How many were like my mentors before I came to Hogwarts?!" I paused to take a breath. She was looking up at me loathly, not saying anything but not exactly enjoying the listening part, either. "What, you think being a pureblood is better then muggle born? What do you think I did before I came to Hogwarts, Evans? There are very few wizard communities in Britain- and most families, like the Blacks and Potters don't talk to each other for their views! You think that all my life I had the friends I have now? Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain why you don't have a car and your fire turns green and why you don't know what a TV is to a little, muggle kid when you're small and ten and only know that you're not supposed to say anything? Do you know what it's like to spend all your time sitting at home because you have no one to hang out with while both your parents are hard at work- go to a school filled with people you can't connect to just so you know how to read and write? Do you have any clue at all, how high the expectations for magic is from purebloods? The amount of disappointment you get from your friends and relatives if there's even a tiny, small chance that you're a squib? Do you-"

I stopped.

What was I _doing?! _Evans just lost her mum- of course she would be upset… delusional… mad…! Of course she'll look for someone to take it out on- all the sadness and anger boiling inside- in here I was, adding coals to the fire.

Nice going, Potter.

She was breathing heavily. Actually, she wasn't exactly breathing… inhaling sharp, shaky loads of air, and releasing them even faster in a way that couldn't have possibly been healthy. Her hair was a mess, damp from the humidity, her eyes glazed over by tears and pain. Her robes hang from her loosely, as if she somehow shrank at the last few hours.

She started running towards the castle, away from me. I could see Morla and Coriona looking at her as she passed them, and running along after her. Morla managed to sneak me an angry look, before disappearing inside.

Groaning in frustration, I turned into a stag, heading towards the forbidden forest.

A run was sounding exceptionally inviting at the moment.

**From Lily Evans' Record of Past Events: **_**(During Christmas)**_

I had officially snapped.

Thinking back, I really can't believe I had done what I did back then. I mean, saying those things to James… when it was obvious that he came out there to try and make me feel better. I mean, I practically blamed him for sending a note saying my mum's dead! I knew he would never, ever do something like that… but was just so incredibly mad!

No, I shouldn't try to explain myself. It was wrong, stupid, and even while in shock from her death, I should have known better. Potter had changed this year, and I should have recognized that long before… should have been ready to welcome him as my partner as Heads, and established a relationship… a friendship… or even just a truce. Now that I look at my actions from this perspective, I see that all the conflict between him and me- from the last few months- was caused with me on the offensive, and him on a subdued defense.

But at that moment, he had snapped, too. I guess all those months of being affronted by me- even before this year- all the way back, when all he really tried to do was go to on a bloody date- had finally caused him to generate all that anger on the one person responsible. Me. And that was truly my first clue- all those things he said, I should have known that Potter wasn't like all those others, those Death Eaters that threatened my life and the life of my loved ones. Potter had been suffering as much as me- even more- and had also lost his dad. And he was right. Dead is dead- and that was the end of it.

But I didn't get it.

My anger got the better of me. I stormed into the library, and began researching. I don't know what I was thinking- I should have been mourning my mum's death. I should have written to dad- asked him if he was ok- maybe to Petunia, even, to explain to her… everything. But I didn't.

I wanted revenge.

And not on the Death Eaters. No, that would make too much sense, right? I wanted revenge on one person, and one-person only-

James Potter.

I don't even know why. I mean, honestly, he didn't really do anything… just proved me wrong. I guess I was trying to forget that my mum wasn't there anymore. Trying to not deal with her death. Trying to not deal with the mess that was now my life. But taking it out on Potter was my biggest mistake- one that brought me here today, to write this record in the first place.

I had found a spell. A great spell, written my Eristed… inspired by the bougarts… and involving my two best subjects: potions, and charms.

A spell cast to bring to life a person's truest… deepest… most unbearable fear.

Yeah. I know.

Stupid.

**From Aly Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **_**(Present)**_

What happened today is the farthest thing from hilarious.

But I do believe someone has to keep a record of this thing… someone has to tell it like it is. And like everyone will be able to tell you freely and with no doubt- no one in this school is more honest, blunt, and perspective then me.

It was dinnertime. I was sitting next to Coral, eating my dinner while talking to the girls about the last Quidditch game- and my very impressive goal. Lily was listing, of course- although she isn't fond of competitive flying, (or competitive anything, for that matter) she loves the sport itself. Coral, who also doesn't like competition, saying it's too… err, violent (or something like that) wasn't really listening, concentrating instead on her potatoes. Suddenly- out of no where- this huge, white owl came down towards as, dropping a thick letter in Lils' soup, before flying away, almost jeering at us from above.

Owls.

I wiped some soup of my food; giving the nasty little bird a frown it probably didn't have any problem interpreting even with its smallish birdbrain. Lily pulled the letter out, and dried it with the bottom of her robe, before looking at the stamp in the front.

The ministry.

Unlike some people, (ahem Coral) I refuse to put a 'face' to get someone to think I mean something I don't mean. So while _some people _(ahem Coral) where smiling at Lily as if nothing could possible be wrong, I gave her a significant look that we both had developed years ago. Both her and me knew the ministry won't be writing for the sake of it. Something was up.

Boy, were we right.

Lily, afraid of what she'll find inside, was slow about reading the actual letter. I could see how she stopped after every word, contemplating if to keep going- if she had it in her to keep reading the letter through. She did, of course. Lily, if nothing else, has a hell of a will.

There were very few possibilities. Lily isn't one to get into trouble, so it had nothing to do with breaking a law. And what else could the ministry be writing a minor about?

What else?

My confirmation came with the tears in Lily's eyes. I went over to hug her, rocking her back and forth… reading the letter from between the clenched fingers.

It was her mum.

I squeezed the shaking shoulders, saying nothing. There was nothing to say. Ignoring the people staring at us fearfully, I stroked her hair, not ever dreaming to calm her down. I felt stings in my eyes- tears. I haven't cried in weeks… but Lily's mum- we were neighbors, Lils and I… her mum was like my adoptive parent after my family left for the USA. She was gone, burned to death in one of the Death Eater raids…

_Did it hurt?_ I found myself thinking. _Did she scream? Was it a painful death? Did it come quickly?_

Coral was looking at me helplessly. Her eyes were streaming, too. We both knew Mrs. Evans. Both new how sweet she was, funny and energetic. So much like her daughter. And now, we'll never ever see her again.

_What's it like, in the afterlife?_

"It's going to be fine, Lily… I swear…" Coral inched closer, hesitate and unsure. She's usually really good at those kinds of moments, tragedies. But she doesn't really understand death. She'd never lost anyone close, like a friend or an immediate family member. She's kind of new to this, and with the war…

"No it's not!" Lily stood up, barely able to stand. I stopped Coral from running after her, explaining what had to happen now. What Lily had to do- and that was: except the truth.

The stings were gone. My eyes no longer threatened to leak, my throat no longer chocked up. One of us three had to stay strong. Level headed and in control. Otherwise, all alone in this huge castle filled with people that knew nothing of pain and loss- except for the few who had experience it-one of us had to know what was going on. To be able to deal with it.

For all our sakes.

We finished dinner, and went back to the common room to do homework. I couldn't concentrate at all, so I just guessed everything, putting crappy answers and misspelling every second word in my potions essay. I don't really care what whale blubber does to a skin disease, thank you.

Soon I stood up to leave. Coral, her parchment empty, got off the chair, too. She touched Remus's hand for support, tears again collecting in the pits of her violent eyes. The marauders were up in their room, while Remus was studying with us- probably after Coral asked him to stay. He's smart, Remus. Didn't say a thing- just sat there, offering support.

We walked outside slowly. I myself was dreading seeing my friend- my strong, beautiful, best friend- after being alone with this idea- this horrible, greater then anything else kind of idea- after those few hours. I was starting to regret leaving her. We should have stayed. We should have given more support… like Remus.

The thought was soon driven out of my mind.

Lily was running towards us. At first I thought she missed us or something, coming to miss us for the former mentioned support- but she ran past both Coral and me, leaving a trail of tears on the grass behind her. We looked at each other, before racing after the disappearing form, crazy thoughts sprinting through our minds…

I looked back. Potter was standing near the lake, messing up his hair in frustration.

Someone was going to die. Someone was seriously going to die.

**From Lily Evans' Record of Past Events: **_**(During Christmas)**_

Over the next few days I didn't see sunshine.

I locked myself in my room, avoiding Potter and everyone else. I barely ate anything, and my sleep was haunted. I would stay up late every night to work on Eristed's potion.

My friends could see something was wrong. I mean, beyond the expected reaction to my mum's death. Aly and Coral came over every night to finish their homework with me and just be some good company. They tried to get me to talk about things, to let it out,. I mean, I've become obsessed with something namely revenge on Potter and brewing a potion that will make his greatest fear come true, but they knew nothing about it. I can see how it worried them.

But I didn't really care. The only thing I cared about at the time was my potion, and the Charm I had to use to make it work. I had only one chance- I was already speeding up the process by a few weeks through shortcuts, I had to get the charm just right. And it was complicated. Very, very complicated. And to use it, I have to know, with no doubt at all, what's the greatest fear of the victim.

We were sitting in my bathroom, where I positioned the cauldron. A bunch of huge texts carpeted the floor around me, and my box of ingredients was sat in the sink. Both Coral and Aly were there, looking at me as I worked. From the window, I could see the sun setting while groups of kids played in the snow, throwing snow balls at each other or skating around on the frozen lake.

I paid no attention.

"-is very normal for you to try and avoid the subject," Coral was saying. She sat on the floor besides me, as close as the books allowed her. Aly, sitting on the toilet playing with her hair, fought not to roll her eyes. "Death is a very painful thing. But you shouldn't think of it as an end to your mum's life… think of it as a beginning of another one."

Usually, when Coral sad something philosophical like that, I would ignore her, or give her an annoyed look. But what she said now made my stomach tighten angrily. I looked up from the steaming potion, staring right into her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Coral, that I can't be _happy _about my own mother's death!" I said, loudly. Coral shrank, looking upset.

"Hey- hey, guys, come-on," Aly looked from my defiant pose to Coral's faint one. "No fighting in the bathroom."

I frowned at her, too, and went back to the potion, adding some eagle feathers in soaked snake venom to the mix.

"I didn't mean it like that, Lily," Coral insisted, looking at me uncertainly. "I just meant, that, you kn0ow. The after life and all, and you shouldn't be happy- but don't… forget to live because you're grieving so much."

"I won't forget to live," I said, moving around uncomfortably. This conversation wasn't going where I wanted it to go. How to fix it…? Oh! "And you know, Coral, I'm not sad that my mom's moved on. I've accepted that…. In a way… I'm sad that she won't be _here _anymore."

Not entirely true, but not entirely false. I haven't accepted anything about mum's death. That's sort of the cause for the craziness, after all. But I was still lying to myself, running away from thinking about it. And Coral was nodding with enthusiastic understanding, relief all over her face. I was finally talking about it!

"That's completely normal," she said. I saw Aly's brow wrinkle from the edge of my vision. You just can't fool that girl! "You're afraid of the future- what will come next- without your mum there to support and guide you."

"Yes!" I said, as if she just hit the mark on something I've been throwing around in my head or days. "Exactly! I mean- how can I stand graduation if she's not there? How can I become a Healer, go through all those years in school- without her pushing me forward even the slightest? Petunia won't do it, Dad's still in the hospital with all those burns… how-?"

"With _us!_" Coral said heatedly, smiling at me. "Me, and Aly- we'll help you! And you'll help us! Don't you see, Lily, that-" I stopped listening. Off topic again.

"It's not the same as family doing it," I said. Coral stopped mid-sentence, looking at me with this hurt look. I felt a pinch of guilt in my stomach. "Oh, come on now Coral- am I not allowed to fear?"

It was Aly that answered, looking at me pointedly, still frowning. "You can fear, Lils, sure, just don't invent problems, ok? Don't give us that crap- we're your friends. _Talk to us. _And tell the truth."

"I am telling the truth!" I protested, putting down the unicorn fur hairs to look at her angrily. "I'm being completely honest- and please, Aly, don't give _me _any crap about honesty! You're secret keeper number one in this whole school!"

"My secrets are my business, Lily, and you're will be too, if only they didn't effect you so bad!"

"_Effect me so bad!?_" I asked- demanded, staring at her incredulously. "What is that suppose to mean?!"

"It means that ever since you heard about your mum and started concealing what you really felt in library books and complicated potions you forgot to live, Lily! You don't eat anything unless we force you, I don't even know when you go to bed- you haven't been outside ever since that first day when you and Potter had that argument-"  
"well maybe this complicated potion has a purpose!" I called, stopping her. "Maybe it's really, really important-"

"It can't be that important, because if it were, then you'd tell us all about it! What are you, _scared?_"

I stopped myself from answering, remembering, with difficulty. The purpose of this forced argument. "I'm not that only one who's scared. Everyone's scared of something."

"She's right," Coral stepped in, working to end the fight. "Everyone's scared of _something. _Like, I'm scared of dark creatures- dementors, vampires…"

I smiled at her gratefully. Aly rolled her eyes.

"What about you, Aly? What are you scared of?"

"I'm not scared of anything. Fear is weakness."

"Oh, _please_." I said. Coral giggled. "You sound like an old war movie."

"So?" She looked at as both, annoyed. "It's true."

"Come off it, Aly- you gotta be scared of _something_." Coral said, obviously enjoying this particular discussion. "Failure? Success?"

Aly gave her a look. Coral shook her head tragically. "all this secrets are gonna heart you one day, Morla…"

Eye rolling: check.

There was a pause while the potion boiled. I started mixing it, counting clockwise and anticlockwise for the next minute and a half.

""What do you think the marauders are scared of?" I asked, choosing my words carefully. Crucial moment for my very point in this bonding experience.

"Being decent." Aly said immediately. Coral threw my soap at her.

"Remus's decent!"

"What is Remus scared of?" I asked, hardly shielding my excitement. C'mon, c'mon…!

"I'm not entirely sure, actually," Coral said, thinking. "I really should ask him…"

"You do that." I nodded, glancing gat Aly as I put the spoon down. She was staring out the window, a smirk developing on her face.

"I bet Black's scared of mice," she said. "All mucho on the outside, real coward deep in."

"He won't be in Gryffindor is he was a coward. " I said. "But maybe he's petrified by the very idea of doing good on a test…"

Aly laughed. Even Coral giggled. I breathed a sigh of relief, joining them.

I had planted the seeds. It was in their hands now… All I had to do is wait. They'll tell me the fears soon enough.

I added pixie teeth to the cauldron. The room filled with steaming vapors.

It was done.

**From James Potter's Journal: **_**(Present)**_

Coral and Morla just left.

I'm sitting here, in my own room, trying to concentrate on my transfiguration essay, which McGonagall gave us as a Christmas gift. No such luck. It's really due in two weeks, first day back, but really, I can't see myself doing homework this vacation. No way.

I mean, really now. With my step dad looming over me twenty four seven, my mum locked in her room, crying and drinking and crying a little more- hell, a lot more- it'll be unbearable.

Cause, you know, that's really what I should be worried about right now. Homework. Not the fact that I lied to the marauders, telling them I'll be going to see my uncle, who lives in France. I couldn't tell them I'll be going home- they'll insist on coming along, and that just won't do. I'd rather be hurt then go to another funeral, thanks. But the thing is, I don't really know what to expect… mum didn't write anything all year, which is weird, cause usually she makes sure to write every other day. Really. Now I figured that, you know, she's still… what she was last summer, and that she'll get better with time and I'd know when she starts writing again. I even sent a few letters home, but no one answered. I've heard virtually nothing in the last two months except that note telling me I got to come home for Christmas.

And that's it.

So I'm really, really in the dark here. Would Laurence be ruler of the house, still? Or has mom found herself again? Is she still grieving, or has she started living again? What about the drinking? Are the house elves back? When I come, should I flinch from Laurence or hug my mum?

So many questions! And they'll all be answered tomorrow night…

I haven't told Jess where I'm going either. She has enough family issues at the moment, anyway. She keeps freaking about what she'd wear when she meets them, how she'll act, as if she has to impress them or something. Which she does, so it's understandable… I'm still trying to figure out how it could be like that, that her parents can look down at her like some kind of trash. They're her family, Merlin's beard… oh well. It'll be her birthday in two months, and she'll never need to see them again….

So I didn't tell her. She thinks I'm going to my uncles, like everyone else… lies lies lies… and here I thought I was beyond that.

But, c'mon. what would they have said if I've told the truth? The Marauders would have forced me to ignore it, or insisted of coming under the invisibility cloak or something… as if that would ever work… and Jess…

I don't really want to know what Jess would have said. I mean, I love Jess and all, but… it's like, I'm not so sure I can tell her everything I want. Not because she won't keep a secret- mo way- just, her reactions to everything I say are this… calmness. If it were happy then she'd smile, and if it's upsetting that she's share my pain, but… well, that's it. I guess I would have wanted her to be more open, more active and outgoing. I would have wanted her to jump up furiously and start naming all the things that can be done about it, not wait for me to tell her what to do. I would have wanted her to jump up with joy and dance around the room laughing. And don't get me wrong, I love that calmness about her, that she never panics or screams or cries… but… I don't know. I guess I need more fire.

And then, maybe I don't. I really don't want to change her. Every couple has to have something wrong with them, right? I have to see her advantages and her disadvantages. And with Jess, advantages definitely over power disadvantages, specifically because that that I described is probably the only one. And the Slytherin thing, but she can't help that.

Talking about disadvantages… the yelling from Evans's bathroom was as fiery as they can get. Well, not really, but I could definitely hear them from my own bathroom, which I suppose shares a wall with it.

Now, I didn't mean to eaves drop, I swear! But I heard them talking about us… the marauders. I mean. First they argued about fears, and then they talked about our fears. The marauders'. That's interesting, you know, cause no one ever asks that question. It's always the marauders are the big brave pranksters, attractive and cool and rebellious, fearless of getting caught or whatever. Never about what we're scared of; our secrets. I mean, I know our fears. I know what Remus and Sirius and Peter are afraid of, and I think they know what I'm afraid of, too. But no one else does. It's nice of Evans to care.

Really, the only time I get to see Evans anymore is at Dinner, and classes. She doesn't come out of her room any other time. I haven't talked to her since that first day when she found out her mum died… I've been thinking I should apologize for that. But I can't catch her anywhere! Ashe eats so little during meals, and goes from class to class so fast- I can't even manage a 'hi'. I was thinking that maybe on the day when we're all going home- I don't know what her plans are, but ok- I'll catch a word. Classes are cut short that day- most people don't even have class, but the N.E.W.T.s are always going strong… then I'll talk to her. Definitely.

It's really weird, how things are going. I mean. Evans and I just had this huge fight- and now, all of a sudden, I'm more then willing to be her friend. Really. I won't mind in the least. It's like- I forgave her for everything she did, for that curse and all the jeering and her not wanting to be head girl with me. And of course two years of humiliation. That too.

I'm suddenly hungry for her presence; suddenly I want to be with her. Maybe to comfort her or something, but really I think I would seriously enjoy it, if we became friends. Though she probably hates me at the moment… the way I acted… but still. Once she calms down, once I apologize, maybe we can really start going about those head duties. We missed the Yule ball, but I'm sure we can make a few other things before the year's up… maybe I can get Sirius's TWH fundraising things up or something! That would be so cool… Morla's in it, too, so there's another bridge between Evans and I…

Isn't it strange that we can't both want to stop fighting at the same time? Really. For two years I wanted to go out with her and she refused, so then both of us sort of wanted to fight, then at the beginning of the year I wanted a truce, but she fought it. Later I refused that same truce. And now-

---

Talk of the devil. Evan's just came in, all happy and smiley. It was unnerving.

"What's your greatest fear?" she asks in a voice coated with honey.

I thought of the argument I overheard. Where they going to ask Sirius and the others, too?

Why should I lie? She's just interested in me. And I want to be her friend now, right? Friends don't lie. Learned that the hard way. Why not?

"Of being alone," I said simply. "Of-"

"Thank you!" she said cheerfully, slamming the door behind her.

She gets me so confused!  
I think I'm going to find Jess. Even if I don't' tell her everything, I'm still crazy about that girl. We need some us time before tomorrow night.

Before I need to go back 'home'.

**From Jessica Norman's Fantasy: **_**(Present)**_

The Prince is worried.

The Princess is not sure why. She has been thinking it over for a long time, yet she cannot seem to find a true answer. Could it be that her Prince is worried for her safety, as she leaves to go back to the Castle, where her family is waiting with loathe full glares? The Princess would be faltered if that were the cause. But it doesn't seem to be.

The Prince has been distracted, somehow. He acts normally, but at times, when she speaks to him, the Princess sees that he does not care for her words. Or mayhap he does, only he cannot concentrate on them, for his focus is taken by something of grander importance. The Princess hopes beyond all hopes that her Prince will share his burden with her, so she could help, or at least take some worry off. The wall built between them is not to her liking, and though she knows the Prince is not to blame, she cannot help feeling betrayed by his inattention. Does he love her no longer? Though he spends time by her side, though he listens and talks, he seems to be somehow worried and shielded form her touch… has he secrets from her? Has he something to say, but he is unable to say it?

Or mayhap he's scared of living her, fro tow long weeks, and going all the way to his distant uncle. Mayhap he wants to be close to her, but always worries that soon, so soon, they will be apart. The Princess knows and shares his pain, since she worries of that, too… but she also ponders of their reunion, at the end of those two weeks, and how she'll fall into his arms and he will kiss her, because they had missed each other do unbearably…

Yes. That must be it.

**_So sorry for the lateness. this is a huge chapter- so please, no hard feelings? please? _**

**_Reviewers:_**

_Minathia- thanks you! Sirius will have a lot of attention in the coming chapters… not good attention, though…_

_Katie- thanks, but who did you review as? I don't remember any Katies… :-)_

_Lexy Granger- the flashback is one of my fav parts, too. And Aly's my fav character. (just saying.) so I suppose you finished the book, (of course) did you like it? I didn't leave it for three days…_

_The geek over there- I'm sure your story's good enough. My first ff had so many mistakes in it, I'm afraid to read it now. The more you write, the better you get:-) I like the flashback seen, too… I've been waiting to write it forever!_

_Four and Twenty Blackbirds-I guess you had to wait a little while… nervous laugh but this chapter is extra long, so I'm not gonna bit my self up for it. Well, not too bad. Everybody seems to like this chapter quite a lot. So many Sirius/Aly fans out there!_

_Nyxelestia- I'm glad you liked it, even though it wasn't the most logical. It had to happen for the rest of the story to make sense… we're getting into my favorite chapter! I have it all planed out! So excited right now, it's amazing…_

_DogStar'n'LionHeart- Thank you so very much! My computer is alive and breathing, finally, and we finally got internet connection today. I've had this chapter written over a month ago, couldn't update though… :-( oh well, better late then never. I am getting the hint that I should write more Sirius/Aly romance. _

_Asdfjkl;-I like your penname! And thank you! I suppose that now, with school starting in three days, I'm not bored of summer anymore… funny how that works. _

_IluvSEVERUS- I'm so sorry it took so long. Really, you don't want to get me started on how mad I am at my laptop right now. I actually thought Snape was bad, kind of biased from first year still… but you were right! I mean, I can tell from your name! Did you love the book? Did you love THIS chapter? (Say yes, say yes, say yes…)_

_Aria Spraks- party action, coming up… and Lily action in this chapter. UI hope you liked it!_

_Lauralanthalassa- Wow right back at you, such a rewarding review… lol. Lily will find out about Laurence in the next few chapters, I promise (really!) . I can't get rid of Jess just yet, but this story is pretty much following the book, so don't get worried… Sirius and Aly aren't very close cousins; actually they're probably related by marriage. No more then Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, I swear. I hope you read on!_

_Baby Seal- thanks! Sirius/Aly action in a very short few chapters!!!_

_**You are all great! (and patient!)**_


	32. Chapter 32

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **_**(Present)**_

OK, there were a few funny things that happened lately. Severus Snape got his robes hanging from the top of the Gryffindor tower, for one thing, and during the potions midterm Melissa Osborn got so excited she puked into her cauldron, making it turn bright green and everyone in a two meter radius fell unconscious. Including Professor Slughorn, so- no exam in potions! Yes!!

But neither of these are reasons enough to open this recorder. Too average, and not amusing enough. I mean, sure, they're a good laugh once or twice (or three times... Peter Petteigrew falling right into the bowl of toad blood... hysterical.) But they become old news in a matter of days.

This will stay with me forever.

What is Sirius Black afraid of?

This is an interesting question Lily asked today in the bathroom. She's brewing this extra credit potion for Slughorn, Felix something, and has no time fro anything. Since we both know she's supposed to be grieving, getting used to life without her mom, you know- those helpful and over necessary things you're supposed to do so you won't go insane and commit suicide?-me and Coral decided to join her, as much as we can. We want to keep an eye on her, see. I mean, is it even natural for someone to not... you know… show that they care?

Well, anyway. I was thinking about it, and I figured that it's simple enough, right? I mean, Black's scared of responsibility. No, let me correct that: he's terrified of responsibility. That's why he acts like this rebel all the time- dumping girls left and right, ignoring classes, pulling pranks. It's easy enough.

And this, my friends, is the exact reason why he shouldn't be in the TWH. At least not as a captain. _Specifically_ not my co captain! I mean, he's just... not right for the job! He's too… Irresponsible! And I know I probably sound like Lily when I say: he'll mess up the whole thing! I mean, I'm just human. I have other responsibilities, I can't go work on this thing alone, I have two jobs now and homework and the NEWTs in a few short months- I can't do it by myself! I want a co captain. I _need_ a co-captain.

Just not Black.

I can just picture it now. He'll be late to ever meeting- I just know it. Or he won't come at all- he'll just forget it. Like every class, like every date- Trust me on this, I've got connections. He'll look at it as some kind of joke. When I show him my plans he'll start doodling all over them, and every time I'll try to talk seriously he'll start with his stupid mind games about what we could have been since second year. And if I tell him to be serious, he'll do that stupid- "I am!" joke of his that's so old it out dates muggle-haunting.

All hell will break loose. And I'd end up a bad captain, a failing graduate, and below average on to NEWTs.

And it will be all his fault!!

... Oh my God, I sound like Lily.

This is not funny. This is scary. Maybe I am scared of something; Coral was right- Lily is just like this! Bad mouthing her co-worker... Head Boy James Potter himself... never giving him a chance... oh... this is not good.

I don't _want _to give him a chance. He doesn't _deserve_ a chance. He deserves twelve years in Azkaban for being an idiotic fool.

I take that back...

Oh, this is fantastic. Absolutely brilliant. Completely and endlessly incredible. Undoubtfully-

I'm gonna stop now.

Ok, you know what? This doesn't really matter. I mean, all I need to do is give... Sirius Black... a chance. Right? That's not so hard. I'll schedule a meeting… see how it goes.

When he doesn't show up, I could bad mouth him as much as I want.

Ok. This is ok...

Where is that brainless prat, anyway?

Oh, wait. No bad mouthing yet...

**Sirius Black: **_**(Present)**_

'A_ctivity booth # 9: squib speaker, hardships of magic less life, financial hardships in the muggle world, why helping young wizards across Europe is helpful to the economy, and exceptionally necessary.'_

Sirius put his quill back in the inkbottle, wetting it. With his other hand he thumbled around the pile of ink-covered parchments across the bed, bringing out a map. He sketched 'Booth # 9' west of the dance floor.

"Hey Padfoot! Dinner!" Remus said, coming up behind him, and sitting on the floor on the opposite side of the bed. "What's wrong? Didn't you hear me? Dinner!"

"Not hungry," Sirius murmured, looking at his notes blankly.

Remus looked at him.

"What?"

Sirius didn't look up. Was this enough? No. No. It will never be enough... It can't be. If it were enough, he'll go insane...

"I said I'm not hungry, Moony. I need to finish this."

Remus ran his fingers across the page Sirius stared at. Sirius looked up blankly.

"Padfoot, are you ok?"

Sirius nodded absent mindedly, picking up the quill. 'Activity Booth #10...'

"You've been working on this awfully hard, Pads," Remus said, frowning with concern. "Evan for your perfectionist mind. Though why you don't apply it to school is beyond me..." Sirius ignored him. He bit at the quill desperately. "Padfoot, what are you trying to do?"

He looked up. "Moony, I'm really busy, ok? Could we do this later?"

"No!" Remus said, standing up. "You are coming with me down to dinner! You've never missed a meal in your life! Who knows what will be the consequences?"

Sirius didn't laugh. He thought of his mum, looking him in his room and magically-streaming food smells from the kitchen...

"Why are you putting so much effort into this?" Remus asked, sitting back down. "You've looked into every moment of every guest's experience. You've thought everything through. You've got too many things for any human being to do in one lifetime, never mind one night- you're done! Let it go, give Morla the plans and-" he paused. Sirius looked up fearfully, seeing Remus staring at him with realization spread all over his face.

"Padfoot!" he said, and a smirk slowly consumed his face. "You're trying to impress _Alyson Morla?_"

"No!" Sirius called, looking back down at his notes quickly. His face was burning hot. "I'm just... I want to impress my boss!"

"No you don't!" Remus laughed. "You're flirting with Morla! You're doing all this- how could I _not see this???_" He laughed, and gave a very uncharacteristic howl. "Merlin, Padfoot- you still have that crush on her!"

"I do not!" Sirius called, hearing his own voice quiver. He started collecting the papers, putting them in a folder, out of order. "Come on, dinner's already started!"

Remus stayed on the floor, holding his stomach. "Oh, come on Pads," he said between laughs. "It's cute."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" He was out the door, looking down the long staircase…

"Yes you do!"

Sirius slammed the door. Remus's laugh followed him all the way to the common room, where he found a chair by the fire. The place was almost empty, since everyone where at dinner.

_I should have brought my notes,_ he thought, looking into the flames aimlessly.

_Maybe Remus's right. Maybe I am trying too hard. But I... I want this to work. It couldn't be coincidence, that we're... it can't be a mistake!_

The door to the girl's dormitories opened. Someone came down, pausing at the end, and then walking briskly towards the fire.

"Yo, Black."

He looked up. Morla looked down at him, standing above with an annoyed expression. The fire shining behind her gave her a sort of rebelliously angelic look, with her black curls falling into her beautiful eyes and the light giving them an enchanted glaze. She wore normal robes, and from up close Sirius saw they were good conditioned second hand. She still looked amazing. She moved around uncomfortable, looking like a first year doing a very embarrassing dare.

"Wanna play truth or dare?" he blurted out.

She stared at him with disbelief.

"_Excuse me?_"

He blushed, looking down. "What do you want, Morla?" he asked, sounding stronger then he felt.

"Better be nice, Black, before I change my mind." she said, letting the weird comment go. He looked up with raised eyebrows, giving off the least bit of interest he could. "I thought maybe we should meet-" his heart gave a dangerous jump- "-this vacation, for the TWH. How does the day after tomorrow sound?"

"I might find time," he said, careless. "I'm pretty busy. That's the first day of vacation."

"Don't come, then. I don't care. I'll just do the whole thing my-"

"I'll be there."

"Good."

She turned to go, moving pointedly. He stared at her hips moving as she walked, momentarily numb.

"Wait, Morla!"

She turned, annoyed.

"Where, uh, where exactly will I be?"

She blinked at him leeringly. "Gringotts. The entrance, there's a bench right by the doors. That's in Diagon Alley, Black."

"I know where Gringotts is," He said, letting just enough sarcasm into his voice.

"Sure you do," she said, smirking and turning again. Satisfied, Sirius enjoyed watching her last steps in the room.

"Oh, and Black?" he moved his gaze up quickly. Shouldn't be caught doing_ that..._

"Hmm?"

"What's your worst fear?"

He blinked, surprised. His worst fear?

"You're in all my nightmares, Morla," he said, smirking cockily.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm being serious. Why don't you just-"

"You can't be serious, Morla. _I'm_ Sirius."

This seemed to infuriate her beyond reason. She closed the portrait angrily, walking up to him purposely.

"_That's not funny, _Black! It hasn't been funny since preschool!"

"I didn't know you in preschool, Morla. And thank Merlin for that..."

"Ah! You are so- you know, I don't even need to ask you what your fear is. It's so bloody obvious!"

"Oh is it now?"

"Well of course! You're so bloody terrified of being a decent human being, it's a wonder they didn't put you in St. Mugno's years ago!"

"_I'm _afraid of being a decent human? What about you?! Ms. Stone-Faced-Secretive-Stubborn –Emotionless-Morla! Is it true that you slapped Evans first week of school?"

"She needed someone to-"

"I can only imagine what you're afraid of, Morla! Commitment, right? Human contact? How many boy friends did you break up with this year? How many lies did you tell your friends?"

"Shut up!"

_Shut up! _Repeated a voice in his head. _Stop it!!_

"You don't know anything! You're just a pathetic prat that's too petrified by they very idea of work that your run away screaming!"

"Am I? Well you're just a violent, uncaring, school obsessed princess of nightmares!"

"Oh, please! As if you-"

"Admit it, _Princess, _you'd do anything for a good grade, and you'd do anything to have a Prince come sweep you off your feet-"

"_Shut up! _As if you're any different! Talking about girlfriend dumping! Too silly to stay in a relationship- what is your greatest fear, then, Black? Huh? Scared of the dark!"

Sirius went rigid.

"So what if it is?"

**From the Diary of Coral Coriona: **_**(Present)**_

I asked Remus what his worst fear was while we were in the tutoring room. The tutoring was moved to Thursday this week, since tomorrow's the last day before vacation and all. It didn't matter, anyway- most all of our midterms are done, and very few people still have cares enough for school to come so near break. But trust me, when school starts up again we will be flooded- all those people who never finished the home work given for break will storm in, demanding instantaneous results.

But for now, the room was empty. There was a fifth year sitting by James's table, letting tears flood her face as he explained some complicated formula. Jessica sat on the couch behind him, holding a notepad and sketching away- like she's done in every tutoring session since they started going out. Few other prefects showed up, most of them as tired of school as the tutored. Lily wasn't here, of course, she was still in her bathroom with that weird potion- luck potion, huh! I deserve more credit then _that,_ Ms. Evans...

"What are you thinking about?" Remus asked, smiling down at me. His nightly blue eyes gazed into my own, loving, trusting. I smiled at him lovingly.

I was sitting in his lap, on the couch by the window. The stars shone outside, and the almost full moon loomed, threatening, over them. Tomorrow will be Remus's transformation- the Marauders decided to meet in the shrinking shack, so he won't go through it alone.

"Vacation," I answered his question, running my hand across his cheek. "You, me... a big, jumpy bed..."

He laughed, cuddling me in his arms. Such strong arms. Becoming a werewolf once a month is a really good work out. I put my head on his chest, hearing his heartbeats.

It took me awhile to notice he was talking.

"- Was the potions test?"

"I think I did alright," I said, pulling myself up. He signed, but singled for me to go on. "I mean, that explosion was a distraction, but other then that-"

"Oh, yeah. I don't think Sirius laughed so much since someone put Snape's pant on the tower..."

"That was this morning!"

"Yeah, I know."

I shook my head, smiling. "You guys are the craziest people to ever walk this castle. I swear."

"You're telling me! Do you know that the only reason James and Sirius still take potions is to witness- and cause- those explosions?"

I looked at him, shocked. Then I grinned. "What? Don't they scare them?"

He gave me a look. "James and Sirius? No way. They have the best time."

I shivered, looking at James. "I can't stand it. Just when I manage to gain enough concentration to really enjoy brewing- BOOM! "

He laughed at my expression, collecting me towards him again. "Why do you go, then? Just... like potions?"

"Oh, not at all! I just- it's good to have, you know, a NEWT there, when you look for a job."

"I guess."

We fell silent, each deep in our own thoughts.

"Remy?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you scared of?"

He didn't say anything at first, thinking it through.

"Monsters."

**Remus Lupin: **_**(Present)**_

"Monsters."

_I shouldn't hide secrets from my girlfriend. _He thought. _With no truth, there's no relationship._

Not that it was such a huge secret. What else would he fear, but the monster he became every full moon? Hopefully Coral would get that. But of course she would… _she knows me._

They sat there silently for a while, listening to the tutors explaining complex theories of Magic. Coral moved a little closer, putting her head on his shoulder.

He loved her for it. For her silent support. For knowing that right now, in this moment, he doesn't need anything… but her.

_My fear isn't really that obvious,_ he thought, looking out the window gloomily. The moon outside reflected in the lake's water. Both orbs united against him, growing until they consumed the entire world…

_My entire world. _He looked away, blinking. _My entire universe. My entire life. _

_If anyone apart from the marauders- or Coral- ever heard about my fear, they would- _Coral started running her fingers across his leg. He looked down, tracing her hair._ I've never told anyone about my disease. I don't think Coral told the girls. They would think it silly. _

_Maybe it's better that way. My enemies… who ever they may be… wouldn't know what to fight me with. I trust my friends. I know they won't give up the secret._

People were starting to leave. Coral sat up, caressing his face as she did.

"I gotta go, Remy. Gotta get ready for tomorrow." She smiled, winking at him. He smiled back.

Then again, maybe not telling anyone- at least not the people closet to him, like Lily, and Aly- was a huge mistake. They're bound to find out sometimes. They are bound to be offended.

Lily. She had locked herself in the bathroom, refused to leave unless forced to, Coral said. Maybe they should invite her to come along with them, so she won't be all alone in Hogwarts… sure, it will be less… enjoyable… then it could be, (they wouldn't be able to have fun on the sofa, for one thing) but maybe it's worth it.

Only the full moon was two nights away. The first night of vacation. Remus signed. And Lily wouldn't understand if he just stood up to leave…

He would be going to the Shrinking Shack, to meet up with Sirius, James and Peter. They would go through his transformation there. Maybe work on the map.

Lily wouldn't get that. And she probably won't like it in his house, alone, any better then in Hogwarts, alone. At least here she has the opportunity to socialize. Even if she probably wouldn't.

"Moony?"

James stood above him, looking at him with a frown.

"Is everything alright?"

Remus blinked, standing up. James. Prongs. Again, like the beginning of the year, he seemed distracted. As if he wasn't really there. As if he was listening to you, but then… not. Cause he was thinking about something entirely different.

"I'm fine," I said slowly. "Fine. Excited for vacation… you know."

"Yeah…" distracted. Answering, but not really saying anything else.

"Are you ok?" Remus pressed, leading the way to the door.

"Oh, yeah. Just- you know. Haven't seen my uncle since the funeral…"

"Ah."

They started walking towards the great hall. Dinner was long over, and the tables had mysteriously cleaned themselves.

"See you tomorrow, then," James said. Remus nodded, climbing up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room. James walked the other way, searching for the heads room.

"Monsters…"

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: (**_**Present)**_

_Darkness._

His greatest fear is _darkness._

Well screw that! I mean, who would have believed… I take that back, actually, it's sort of obvious that his greatest fear would be something so… stupid. I mean, what does he do at night? Oh my God- do they have a night light in their dorm?!

Nah, I'm not surprised. Black's too immature to be scared of anything more… complicated then a five-year-old's fear. Really! I mean, if it were anyone else I might have thought Darkness stood for something or whatever… like, dark magic, or maybe the dark lord or something. But we're talking about Black here. His family's all about dark magic, he's bound to have someone in his family a death eater. He wouldn't fear that- his family's one of the darkest around! Plus, he's just too… silly. Too pathetic.

Like what he did today. I went to talk to him about meeting me in Diagon Alley- and you know, found my way to asking me what's his worst fear. But the Great Sirius Black can't answer a question, can he? No, he had to start with his stupid taunts, and suddenly it all blew up and we were both screaming like Professor McGongall last Christmas, when Potter managed to spell the ceiling in the great hall to actually snow. He dared say that I'm afraid of human contact, too- and, frankly, that's just bloody low. Really.

Before the whole thing started, though, we decided to meet in Diagon Alley, by Gringotts. I so regret that now. I mean, hell, giving him a chance would be a waste of time. I should just do the whole bloody thing myself and be done with it.

I bet he won't even show up. I mean, Gringotts with all the dark tunnels- he won't be able to handle it!

God, I love this! Wait till I tell Lily…

**From James Potter's Journal:**

So I tried talking to Lily at lunch today.

Emphasize the 'tried', please.

It's amazing how it's utterly impossible fro me to talk to this girl with out one of us erupting in yells. I mean, really! We should be over this… we've been living in the same dorm for- what? Seven year now?

Merlin.

I tried apologizing for, you know, getting all caught up in the moment that time by the lake. And bothering her at all. I waited until she finished eating, hoping she'll be in a better mood with nourishment. (Yeah, right.) I stood up right before the bell that would announce Christmas break's official start.

"Hey," I said, sitting in front of her, throwing my backpack besides me. (Backpack. In the last day of school. Grr!!!) The marauders followed me, Remus sitting by Coal and Sirius pushing his way besides Morla. Peter sat next to me, scratching his nose. "What's going on?"

"Nothing that should interest you, I'm sure," she said. She smiled that weird honey smile again, her eyes huge and disturbing.

I paid no notice. "I guess not. I wouldn't want to know anything about your bathroom habits!"

Sirius coughed. Morla rolled her eyes. Evans kept smiling at me, as if she knew something and I didn't.

"You know, because you never come out of the bathroom anym- never mind," I tried saving my self, pathetically. "Never mind. Err… I came here to… apologize, for, you know, last week. For fighting with you and all. It was stupid."

Her smiled faltered, but only for about a second. "I didn't fight with you, Potter. You fought with _me._"

I was standing up, about to live, but after hearing that I sat right back down.

Stupid, stupid pride.

"No, I think it was both of us," I said, trying to keep a joking smile on my face. Everyone else was exchanging worried looks.

"You started it," she smiled cheerfully. Her eyes flashed dangerously.

My face was a Halloween mask. "No, I think it was you."

"You came and started teasing my about my mum."

"You accused me of faking a letter saying she's dead."

"Just because it seemed so similar to something you would do!" she laughed, placing her hands on the table. I leaned back casually in my chair, smiling broadly.

"Sending a fake death letter? Whenever did I do that?"

"Not yet," she laughed again. "But you have to admit, it's so much like your style!"

"I don't see it. No similarity."

"I think it's rather obvious."

"I think you're behaving like a little girl."

"Wow. James Potter, the five year old seventh year, telling me I'm acting like a little girl."

"I'm being honest. Isn't that something you value, when other people are doing it?"

"Whatever do you mean by that, Potter?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just those little lies you tell every once in a while-"

"I don't recall any."

"I'm sure you'll think of something. Way, didn't you tell Slughorn, only thins morning, that you haven't finished your assignment because-"

"That was different. That was-"

"Do enlighten us."

"I don't need to prove myself to you, Potter! Talking to me about honesty, really!"

"and what is that suppose to mean?!"

"oh, please! You're the biggest liar in this school! With pranks and detentions and cheating on tests-"

"I do not cheat!"

"Of course you don't! You just get perfect scores because you're smart!"

"Yeah! Unlike some people, who have to sit by a textbook for hours on h-"

"Studying _is_ smart, Potter. Not that you'd know, you've obviously never done it…"

"At least I don't lie to myself! I know when I'm wrong, I can tell the difference-"

"I don't lie to myself, Potter, how dare you even-"

"_You accused me of sending a letter saying your mom's dead!" _I yelled, standing up, looking down at her. Finally, it was out- that unbelievable shame, of her even thinking something so horrible about me… She stood up as well, her smile long gone, her eyes burning mad. "_You-"_

"I didn't accuse you of sending a letter, Potter!" she screamed into my face. "I accused you of killing her!"

I backed up so quick I almost fall over, staring at her with shock. The great hall was stunned with silence, even the teachers looking at us, me and her, while her words remained drifting in the air, echoing around the room, around the school, around the world…

She was breathing hard. I wasn't breathing at all. Then she turned, collecting her hair and letting it go nervously. It fell down like a waterfall of fire…

And she was gone.

Tell about packing, last moments with Jess and the marauders, Sirius working like mad on TWH, Remus being over suspicious, and James guilty. He has a fight with Lily during lunch, while he tries to make peace with her. He tried to apologize through the bathroom door, but she doesn't answer. Finally he tries to seduce her by saying- "you know, I'm not really going to my uncle!" desperately. She ignores that, too.

**Remus Lupin:**

Lily started walking away, purposefully marching out the Great Hall. Everyone watched her as she walked away, a vexed expression locked on her face. There was enough tension in the room to trip someone.

Remus looked at James. He was pale, shocked, hurt. With good reason. The last thing you could call James Potter was a murderer- specifically of muggles. What was Lily _thinking?!_

Sirius stood up, glaring after the red head as she made her exit. He came to stand by James, telling him something that didn't seem to help. Aly and Coral started running after their friend, as the rest of the student body moved to gossip between themselves.

Remus used everyone's distractions to swiftly move after Lily. She was walking toward the Heads Common Room, Aly and Coral right behind her.

It took him about five seconds to catch up. Lily turned to him angrily, he eyes huge and mad.

"I don't want to talk about that- Remus! I thought you were…" she seemed to relax a bit, composing herself. "What's up?"

"Are you mental?" he asked, sounding harsher then he meant. "That was completely unnecessary!"

She blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"Why would you go say that to Prongs? What'd he do to you that you'd say something like that?!"

"So_rry,_" she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Coral and Aly, standing behind her, exchanged looks. "Didn't know he was that fragile."

"He's not- that's not the point! That's the last thing you can say to him! That's the last thing anyone can say to him!"

"I was being _honest,_" She said, narrowing her eyes. "And if you don't mind, I'd be going now."

She turned to go, Aly following hesitantly behind her. Coral looked at him pleadingly, before following her friends.

"He was apologizing!" Remus called after them.

"Well he did a mighty good job at it!" Lily called back.

**From Lily Evans's Record of Past Events:**

I stalked into my room, locking the door behind me. I couldn't let that… that… _Potter _see me cry.

I stood there awkwardly, letting angry tears flood my face. I couldn't think about anything but the fact that by tonight, the potion would be ready and Potter's worst fear will come alive. From my research I knew that it would take up to forty-eight hours to take effect after I said the spell. Forty-eight hours before my revenge be complete.

Looking back, all I can remember from our fight was James's face when I told him what I did about my accusation. It wasn't true; of course- I hadn't actually said it.

I just sort of, meant it. On the lake. I thought about it. I- it flashed through my mind. The possibility.

But even then I thought it would be horrible to say something like that out loud. My conscious wanted to jump and scream at him- call him a muggle hating blood lunatic, a Slytherin, a murderer. Everything he's not.

But I thought it. I actually thought it.

Aly and Coral followed me to my room, pounded on the door. Aly was yelling for me to open, Coral telling me Potter is just an idiot, anything to get me out. Didn't work. I ignored them, waited till the tears were gone, the anger to subside.

I went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. The cauldron was inside, just like I left it before lunch. The liquid inside sizzled bright pink. The air was dense and heavy, feeling the small room with impossible mist. I blinked away the last of the tears, sitting down by the great text stranded, open, by the potion.

And continued working.

I thought about the minutes before Potter came and ruined my lunch. I thought about Aly and Coral telling me about the marauders' worst fears, how stupid and childish they were. I thought about Remus taking _his _side. And Black, too.

I would have expected more of a prefect. Turns out I'll have to use Remus's fear, after all…

I kept working for at least an hour, maybe more. I loved it- always love potions. The concentration, the silence that engulfs you as you work. Like a bubble. A protective shield between you and the world.

By the time I was out, only because the potion needed a few more minutes to chill, I heard the familiar pounding on the door. I was about to open, thinking it's still Coral, and Aly. As unlikely as that may be.

But maybe it wasn't _that _unlikely. I mean, what turned out to actually happen was a lot more… unusual.

"Open up, Morla!"

James Potter, banging at my door.

What did _he _want?!

"Go away!" I yelled, taking some books out of my backpack. Better start on that vacation homework…

"Look, I'm sorry, ok? That's all I want to say!"

I ignored him. No need to start another fight.

Intriguing smells came from the bathroom, followed by a silvery blue fog.

"Evans, we gotta talk!"

I rolled my eyes, wetting my quill. '_The most productive form of the maple root is…'_

"I didn't mean to yell at you," he said, somehow knowing I'm behind the door. "I didn't mean to fight. I didn't mean to fight last week, either. I just get… caught in the moment.

_You'll be seriously caught in the moment once I'm done with you,_ I thought. I glanced at the bathroom door, breathing in.

"Please open. I gotta talk to you. We gotta stop doing this."

_**You**__ gotta stop doing this. I've done nothing wrong. _

"Do you realize this is like, the third time I apologize to you this year? That's not all that common, you know. You must be something special to achieve that high honor."

Huh. Funny. Not. Gotta do better then that… you lying bustard! You egomaniac! You-

"Come on Evans," he was sounding desperate. "If you let me in, I'll tell you a secret!"

_Pathetic._

"I'm not really going to my uncle," he said. It was more of a whisper. I looked up, frowning.

"I'm… I'm going home. To my step dad. But I can't tell anyone, cause-"

"He doesn't want people to know you're related?"

I waited for an answer. I sat there, looking at the door with concentration. He always answered me. Potter always answered my bad mouthing. He always said something back. Always challenged me right back.

I went to the door, open it an inch.

There was no one there. Potter's door was closed, and I heard him packing his staff inside.

Angry and surprised, I closed my door, relocking it. With frustrated steps I made my way back to the bathroom.

So he wants to be like that. Fine! A very merry Christmas to you, James Potter…

And your stupid friends, too!

Time for the charm.

It was long. And tiring. It toke me forever to read out of the ancient parchment, since I knew that the smallest mistake could cause a catastrophe.

When the time came, where I had to insert the victim, I didn't think. I wanted three people have their fears carried out. The three marauders. And that's exactly what I said:

"Marauders!"

Before continuing on with the chant.

I wouldn't mention such a small thing, usually. I like to keep it detailed, but necessary.

This is necessary.

Why? Do you ask?

Well, my friends, there are, in fact, four marauders…

_**Hi everyone! 8 entries today! Enjoyed? **_

_-EHWIES- and the next one is _here_... amazingly enough... I guess it doesn't seem confusing yet because you haven't read everything... I mean, I get confused just thinking about it, so if you're not- well, bravo! _

_Nyxelestia- I'm not sure, was this a faster update then yours? Who really cares... :-) I like breaking the rules of logic. It makes everything so exciting! _

_Ocean of Dreams- love your penname... you're allowed to hate Jess. most people do. (I don't, but I'm just the author... lol) _

_Minathia- I _do _love you. lol! Well, so many questions and I can't answer even one! Just you wait, this is gonna be so great! I think I might actually finish this fic! I love it this much! _

_the geek over there-the confusion is here and it'll be frightening... sortta. I'm glad you liked last chapter, it's my favorite. (Yes, MY favorite!) This one had a lot of fighting in it. Oh well... fights are VERY entertaining. _

_Snowflake Prongsette- thanks you! I think I'm going for longer chapters and longer updates, though... not in a strict way. of course. _

_Baby Seal- couldn't have put it better myself... (Hint hint!!!) _

_Lexy Granger- Thank you! And about DH, I cannot believe Fred died! I thought she might kill the twins, or might not, but not just one of them! That's just torture! (Still loved the book. I am so inconsistent.) _

_stag-star- this particular potion (made by yours truly) does not need anyone drinking it. Since it involves a charm, it is simply to be brewed, and then put under a spell, in a form of a chant. Very complicated, high, NEWTs staff even I don't really understand. (Lily's just a potion geek. Slughorn said so. :-) ) _

_Lauralanthalassa- here it is, with all it's might and glory... chapter 32! lol. It's great that you loved last chapter... sorry I confused you with my explanation of the confusing confusion of that confusing chapter. Aly had in fact lost her older brother when she was young, and later her little sister when her parents abandoned her. _

_IluvSEVERUS- I hope you're reading this, for all those fanfiction problems of yours... I am NOT answering that! That's the whole point of the story you're asking me to reveal! The ultimate climax! But I suppose, after this chapter, you could _

_possibly guess... possibly... yeah. I loved DH, it exceeded all expectations... and FRED DIED!!!!!!! (btw, James is writing from the same time as everyone else. For now.) _

_**Thank you all amazing reviewer whom I love so much... hope this chapter didn't disappoint!** _

_**Random Autumn Fact:** _

_**I have a cold. I live two inches from the equator, it's the end of August, the average temperature is over 90 and I have a cold!!!**_


	33. Chapter 33

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona: **_**(Present)**_

Everything's packed.

I'm sitting here, by the lit fire in the Heads common room. Aly's here, and Lily just went back into her room, murmuring to her self in a very worrisome way.

Remus also is here. All four marauders are… James Potter is looking out the window in this grim state, listening but not really to Black's useless chatter. Something about James's uncle, and his step dad, and then super white owls from France. Just listening to him gives me a headache. I mean, how much can one guy talk? Aly seems to agree with me. She's standing by the entrance, impatient to leave, while staring at Lily's closed door suspiciously. Peter is leaning at the small kitchen in the corner, holding a cup of steaming tea in his hand. As usual, he doesn't say anything, but just looks around at everyone, like a historian recording our life or something. It's so very easy to overlook him!

Which is what I think Lily did. I'm not sure. I mean, all I did was tell her what his worst fear was… should I feel guilty that she ran away to her room?

Aly didn't think so. She gave me a rare yet supportive look, and went over to listen at the door.

Which had been closed for quite a while now.

It was like this. Aly and I left the heads common room to pack, after banging and screaming for Lily to open for about a century. We went back to the dorm, and didn't come back down until the beds were made and the trunks full to the top with organized clothing and essentials.

Well, mine were organized and made. Aly just threw everything inside and begged me to hurry up for the rest of the three hours.

While we were doing that, the marauders came down here. When we got here they were already situated in their respective positions I had mentioned before. Remus told me James tried talking to Lily, and gave up. The guy has more nerve then anyone I've ever met.

Everything was really awkward for a while. Aly and I were waiting for Lily to come out, so we could, you know, talk. I got the feeling that the marauders were using up all their self control not to leave rudely, and wait for us girls to join them. What gentleman.

Pranksters Slytherin-fighting detention-kings of gentleman, but still.

I was thinking about Remus's fear. Again. I had already told Lily about it, and now I was wondering if that was betrayal to my boy friend. I mean, it must take some courage to admit your very worst fear. I'm not even sure I know what mine is, so…

And then I thought, what's Peter's worst fear?

Just like that. It was quite sudden. A jolt. We knew Sirius's; Remus's, and I bet Lily knows James's. What about Peter? Doesn't he count?

I stood up and went over to stand by him. He looked at me with alarm, blushing like a third year on their first date.

"Say, Peter, what's your worst fear?"

He looked at me with a frown, and then cleared his throat sheepishly.

"I don't know."

Ok.

"What I mean is- like, what do you do sometimes that make you wanna go away and disappear?"

"Giving speeches. People looking at me and laughing."

"A-oh," I said, taken a back. Stage fright. Was that even a fear? Isn't it too common?

"Well, err… anything… else?"

He gave me an annoyed look, before turning away. Turning away to look at…

"Remus?"

I didn't mean to say it out loud. It wasn't that loud, anyway. Just a whisper, though I bet Remus heard it. We're too close to the full moon for him to _not_ hear it.

Peter looked at me with surprise, alarm, fear and disgust. "NO!"

Such a fierce whisper. Honestly.

"What is it, then?"

"Getting… the… disease."

I nodded, understanding. I could see how that was terrifying, specifically to such a small guy such as Peter. Specifically for someone who is in the presence of a werewolf everyday, sees a transformation every month. For someone who sees Remus's pain.

I walked back to Remus. I knew he heard, but he didn't seem hurt, or even surprised. He gave me a knowing look, and again I was shocked to realize how much the marauders did know about each other.

Everything.

A few minutes later Lily came out. She had a huge smirk all over her face, as if she just finished something important. Something big. I wondered if the 'luck' potion was done yet.

"Hello, everyone."

Aly and I exchanged looks. She was talking like the old Lily. Almost… The fakeness was gone, she was truly happy, truly satisfied.

Though she was still looking at James like a predator to its prey.

I stood up again, letting Remus's arms drop back to his _own_ lap. I stood by Lily, Aly joining us in moments.

"Hi, Lils. Mind telling us what that was about during lunch?" she demanded, giving the marauders a look that clearly said- "Mind your own business!"

"Oh, nothing, really. Potter was being an idiot. Again."

"Aha. I see." Aly looked disappointed. Frankly, I was too. I thought we were over this a few months ago!

There was another awkward silence. Someone had to fill it up with _something._

"Say, Lily, do you remember asking us about the marauders' fears?" I asked. Lily frowned a bit, looking at me defensively.

"Yeah…"

"Well what about Peter?"

She blinked, looking at me. Fear flashed her emerald eyes.

"What… about Peter?"

"I asked him," I said, looking at Aly with confusion. She shrugged, looking on. "He said it was- well, becoming a werewolf."

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events: (**_**Christmas)**_

It didn't sink in at first.

The selfishly proud smile was still spread on my face a few seconds after I heard her. I nodded slowly, trying to act normally…

And then it did sink in.

I think my heart stopped beating for about a minute. I know I stopped breathing for at least that long. Her words echoed around in my mind, followed by high pitched screams of terror.

CRAP.

I may be the cause for completely ruining Peter Pettigrew's life.

I turned around, ran into my room. I don't even remember what Coral did, how the others reacted. No one followed me, and if they did they couldn't open the door. (Accidental magic? I don't know.) I stormed into the bathroom, fearful tears making their way down my face. I pushed them back. No time for that right now… I just… how would I live with myself, had Peter become a werewolf?

Becasue of me?

The cauldron was still standing, innocent and smooth, on the floor. The textbook was closed, stranded by the sink. The ingredients were locked in my trunk.

I stared at the motionless liquid. It was now a fog-ish color, sort of grayish blue with a tint of purple. It was so still, for a moment I… hoped... that something had gone wrong and it. That it turned into ice.

As I stood there in the entrance, staring at my weeks old fixation, thoughts streamed through my conscious. Realization. Guilt. Self-loathing. I had become the very person I always hated. I have gone blind to my own intentions, my own insanity- my own wrongs. And I wasn't the one about to suffer the consequences- but rather, an innocent bystander who's never done me any wrong.

What was I thinking?! What kind of revenge is it, bringing a person's greatest fear to life? Even forgetting Peter (as if I could), what about the others? Remus, and Sirius- disregarding Potter just for the moment- their fears were real, too. Perhaps they were childlike fears, but were they childish? Monsters, darkness… who but a muggle born would know about fear of the unknown? What if they had gone mad, terrified, standing alone before their worst nightmares? What about heart attacks? What if they were to be in some grave danger while petrified, and it would be my entire fault?

I shook myself out of the trance, moving forward hurriedly. Gathering as much force as I could master, I pushed the cauldron off its legs. The potion spilled all over the floor in a rush, deafening me with the noise of a waterfall. I went over to the sink, letting the water flood. Same with the tub, and the shower. Soon the floor was a bluish gray ocean, filled with water, worst fears, and my own terrified tears.

Because, of course, even though I wished- beyond any possible way of wishing- that the potion was now neutral, that my revenge will never be complete, I knew, even then, that nothing could be done. I had said the spell. I had left the potion alone long enough for it to take effect. The consequences of my stupidity would be arriving in less then forty-eight hours.

I stayed in the bathroom, sitting in the mix. The liquid soaked my cloths, my hair, my skin. The water, continually added from my own eyes and the shower, drove away all thought. I was blind and deaf and senseless, sitting alone in my bathroom for hours to come, wallowing in my own idiocy

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

So, here we are, sitting in the Hogwarts Express, on our way to platform nine and three quarters.

I ended up sitting in the same car as Black, to my great dismay. (Don't even get me started.) Coral wanted to sit with Remus, because, as we all know, they are not going to see each other twenty-four seven for the next two weeks. (Please notice sarcasm.) And of course Lupin simply must sit with his friends. And since Lily stayed at Hogwarts this vacation, and I had no intentions of sitting by myself for the next few hours, I sat with them.

Anyway. Coral and Remus are sitting together, like a pair of lovebirds. Honestly. He's staring out the window; she's holding his hand supportively. Which seems extremely unnecessary, since they're both probably already done with all the homework, aced all the tests, and are looking forward to a _fun_ (FUN! They're so gonna do it!) filled break with no sucking room in the local inn, and no stupid job, and no second stupid job, and no Sirius Black running them insane. So really, they have nothing to complain about.

I am obviously not looking forward to this vacation.

The sun is down, and the moon is up. We should be arriving in London at around midnight. Oh, the joy! So not. I'll be getting on the night bus, with that idiotic Ernie guy telling jokes all the way to the Leaky Cauldron.

God, Black just asked me what I'm doing. He's so noisy! And annoying! I wish I could just take his overly big head and kick it at the window or something. Merlin.

He's sitting in front of me, 'playing' wizard chess with Potter. Pettigrew is hamming something to my right. No one seems really focused. Everyone's looking out the window.

And I just checked- again- and there's nothing out the window. Just a very big, just-about-full, spectacularly beautiful moon.

Wonder what that's all about.

**_hi all!_**

**_I don't really like this chapter. But, it's (obviously) very 'key' to the plot. Has anyone figured it out already? More clues next Friday..._**

**_I apologize for the grammer mistakes last chapter. I didn't even go over it. so excited to update... jk_**

**_I want to thank all my reveiwers, but I can't answer today. I'll give you abother random fact, though..._**

_**I no longer have a cold. (Thanks for acknowledging it!) But everyone else in my class seem to... It's absolutely disgusting sitting next to some people. Ew. All the- you know, what, never mind. You really don't wanna know. **_


	34. Chapter 34

**Please notice: all entries are starting in the morning of the first day of vacation, leading up to evening. That includes next chapter, as well. The chapter after that starts in the evening, and ties everything together.**

_**Hint hint!!!**_

**From the Fantasy of Jessica Norman:**

_Dear James:_

The Princess stares at the white parchment, biting her lip. It is so hard to put her thoughts onto the paper, so hard to transfer her love and longing through plain, black ink. It is dark outside, though the Princess would not know- there are no windows down in the basement. No windows in her room.

She looks around sadly. How she misses Hogwarts! How she misses her big, soft bed and the warm fire always lit in the common room… Princess Jessica feels small trails of tears marking her face. How she misses going outside, being in the sun.

Her room in her father's castle- The Horrid King Muggle- is dark. It is the basement of the palace, but it feels like a dungeon. There's a small, creaking bed and old dusty sheets, and one three legged table standing to the side, with no chair or anything. Upstairs the Twins, Princess Jessica's evil older sisters, are currently sleeping in their huge rooms, peaceful and beautiful and happy. And Princess Jessica sits alone, with the quill in her hand and the parchment before her, crying quietly.

Soon her family would wake. Soon she would be forced to sit though breakfast with them, and then return back to this room, once again. She will not be allowed out side, of course… to everyone else in the world, she doesn't exist. Anyone apart from her fellow Wizards, her saviors... But they are not here now. Won't be for the next few weeks.

It is the first morning of vacation, and already I feel like Cinderella.

The Princess looks at the black sentence, feeling her spirit drop even more. She couldn't send Prince James a letter, anyway. She does not know what his muggle address is, or even if he has one… and her owl is still at Hogwarts, the lucky of the two.

The Princess sighs. What would she give for a ray of sunshine…?

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

Sirius Black just

I just came back from

I've never realized how much

I can't

Crap! I don't even know where to start! It's just- AHH!!!

Alright. Ok, err… it's night. Well, afternoon. And it's the first day of Christmas Break. And I'm supposed to be working, but I can't, because I dropped a steaming hot coffee cup on one of the customers and tripped over air, starting a chain reaction that resulted in the destruction of half the bloody restaurant. So my supervisor told me to get a hold of myself in my room, and then come back.

I'm just so… God, I'm so…

Scared. Petrified. Surprised. Happy.

Scared.

I think I should start from the beginning. That would be best, right? The beginning… I wrote yesterday about the train… Merlin, I can't believe I actually wrote that… It's so wrong! Oh… Merlin's Beard… ok, I know. I'll start this morning. This morning, when I woke up in this very room, my new home for the next two weeks of vacation. In the Leaky Cauldron, of course.

Last night I paid in advance for two weeks, getting the cheapest room. Couldn't afford anything better, and even then I had to promise working extra shifts to make it work. The room is one of the highest, somewhere in the attic, I think. I'm talking like, hundreds of stairs. It's small, with a bed and a desk and a closet, and a bathroom, obviously.

Wow, I seriously can't write. I'm so… Man.

I woke up to the normal sounds of Diagon Alley. People screaming in the street: talking, and laughing, and arguing over overcharging of the merchandise. The smell of hot coffee and breakfast stole away up to my room, mixed with the fresh, cold air of early December. I inhaled deeply, having no intention of opening my eyes. I'm fine right here under the blankets, thank you.

An owl hooted by my window, demanding entrance. I sighed, got up to open the window. And may I just specify: I was wearing a short sleeves summer night cloth. So, Opening the window Very Bad Idea. The owl flew in, dropped the Daily Prophet on my warm bed, feeling it with snow and ice particles, and flew right out.

I forced my hands to move and close the door. Then I started breathing hot air all over them, trying to get my blood to unfreeze.

Out the window, I saw Diagon Alley at its most spectacular glory: a snow cupped wonderland, complete with the candy stores and spell-book stores found in every fairy tale. I smiled to myself, rubbing my frozen arms. The sky was cloudless, the ground a pure white beauty- today would probably be a full house in the restaurant, with people running away from the cold, and I have no school to worry about.

Merry Christmas to me!

I looked at the clock, yawning, and started taking my cloths out. What should I wear, what should I wear… At the end I gave up, just put it all on. (no, not _really._ Just showing you how cold it was.) I straightened up, looked at myself in the mirror, checking my hair. Hurriedly, I started brushing the horrid mess.

I have to meet Sirius Black by Gringotts today.

Goodbye smile. Goodbye perfect day. The sky seemed to cloud over, and the streets filled with dirt. I heard a baby cry outside.

Merry Christmas to me.

I splashed some water on my face- gasped- (should have known it would be cold. Stupid!) Rearranged my hair again. Wait- what am I getting all dressed up for? I've never done this at Hogwarts…

I go out of the bathroom (which, by the way, is shared by four other workers living on the same floor. I haven't seen them yet, but I think it's because no one wakes up at 7 am unless they have an early shift. ) And straightened my robes.

Ready.

I grabbed my folder, filled with my notes, plans, and hopes for the fundraiser. I was thinking… big picnic. With lots of music.

Of course, it was more detailed in the notes…

I fastened the cloth around me as I got outside, protecting my flesh from the strikingly cold air. Where did we agree to meet? Oh, yeah. Gringotts. With it's dark tunnels. Got it.

Shockingly, even I couldn't keep a frown on today. The shops on both sides of the street were filled with Christmas decorations, goods, candy. The pet shop actually had some deer in it, for the more… insane shoppers. I saw a bunch of kids singing holiday chorals, throwing snowballs at each other, and screaming joyfully. Wish I could be so blissfully free…

But no, _I_ had to go meet my worst nightmare…

Sirius Black was sitting on a bench by the front doors of Gringotts Bank.

**Sirius Black:**

Sirius cursed.

"Bloody shoes…"

He looked under the sofa, bringing his wand- throwing off light- near his face. No luck.

Grunting impatiently, he pushed himself up- and hit his head on the base' edge. With a yelp and another curse he collapsed right back to the floor, clutching the back of his head painfully.

"Damn it!!"

Eyes tearing, he looked up, pushing the sofa away angrily. _Crap!_

And there were the shoes- right where he left them, by the door. He put them there just last night, specifically to _avoid_ this whole ordeal. Kicking the sofa again, he got up, looking around hastily to see if he forgot anything. Shirt, pants, aftershave… where's the- wait, no shoes yet… he grabbed them, trying to put them while jumping on one leg, and looking at the clock on the opposite wall. No, the other opposite wall. He turned, lost balanced, fell.

Cursed.

Sirius stopped, forcing himself to breath. _Alright. In the words of Alyson Morla- __**chill.**_

He sat up slowly, pulling his shoes on correctly. The time was 6:45. He'll still make it by seven, and if he knows Morla she won't be there until eight. Not during vacation. Not for a silly meeting with him.

Still. Better safe then sorry.

Inhaling deeply, he closed his eyes. _All right, got the shoes. Got everything. _

Smiling, he went over to the fireplace, placing his hand in the Floo Powder bowl.

Can't wait to show Morla the-

With horrified panic in his eyes, he turned around, accidentally throwing the bowl half way across the room in the process. _The notes!_

Heart pounding, he dove for the overflowing notebook. This is not his day. It's lucky the notebook didn't fall, spreading all his work all over the floor…

Going pale, he held it closer.

_This really isn't a good day._ Maybe he should just ask Morla to reschedule- they could meet in a few days, when he's not so-

NO! No, he had to do this. Today. Now.

_Now._

Turning to the fireplace, he swallowed. There was still a small pile of Floo in his hand, being ruined by cold sweat. He stepped forward to the flames, almost forgetting to let the green powder drop first.

"Gringotts!"

-

He stepped out, coughing dizzily. Looking up, he saw a passing Goblin glaring at him distastefully.

Sirius stuck out his tongue, making some old lady huff. He rolled his eyes, blushing, and hurried out.

6:52.

He sat down on a near by bench, looking at his hands purposelessly. With nothing to do. Just… sitting there. Staring.

For the last couple of weeks, he couldn't find enough time to sleep. Or eat, Merlin's beard… he was just so busy with the plans- the dance had to be perfect. The preparations, the decorations, the food and music and even the bloody lesson everyone should learn. And it has to be cool, and modern and a lot of fun. If it weren't, then there will be no purpose at all. He won't be able to ask her.

And now, here he sat, with nothing to do. Fresh out of ideas, with no ounce of inspiration left. An eighteen-year-old girl will decide his future in the next few minutes. An eight-teen-year old woman. And he would have either failed or succeeded.

And that would be that.

He shut his eyes, trying to not think about it. He worked so hard- so very bloody hard!- what if she would hate it? What if she laughed and told him he was pathetic and stupid to even suggest something like that? That all his plans were childish and ridicules and-

He sneezed, so loudly his eyes started to water. Again. Holding back yet another curse he began searching for some tissues in every pocket.

"Bless you!" he looked up. A jolly woman was climbing the stairs into the bank. She was smiling, wearing a noticeable red and green robe. He noticed her stomach extending beyond normal dimensions. She smiled at him joyfully, full of Christmas spirit.

"Thank you!" he called back, feeling better. She waved her wand his way, and a hankie appeared on his lap.

"Better wear something warmer next time, love. Don't want to be sick this time of year!" she laughed, letting her long, vibrant red hair jump up and down carelessly. She ran a hand over her belly. "I sure don't!"

He joined her laugh, and all his worries seemed to evaporate. He felt like himself again. "Are you…" he looked at her stomach again, blushing.

"Oh, yes! You see it now, do you?" she laughed. "Due any day now! Though it took him forever to show!!"

Sirius smiled. "Congratulations, Mrs.…"

"Weasley," she said proudly. "Got to go now, sweetie. I might see you around… "

"Sirius Black," he supplied. She nodded, smiling at him again.

"Merry Christmas to you!"

He watched as she went inside the bank, still rubbing her stomach carefully.

"Ahem."

He jumped, looking back. Alyson Morla stood right behind him, looking annoyed and impatient. She tapped her foot on the ground, demanding attention.

"Hey," he said, a little too fast, to high, too… wrong.

"Hi." Se said back, looking him up and down. Her eyes paused on his hand, which was still green from the powder. He wiped it on his robe, turning tomatoes red. Weasley red.

She rolled her eyes, looking around uncomfortably.

Silence.

"Look, we don't have a lot of time. I got to run at three," she said, half turning to leave.

He swallowed the panic rising inside him, trying to remain calm and cool.

"We better get started then," Sirius smiled, walking away.

"Where do you think you're going!" she yelled, angry and annoyed.

"Want some ice cream?" he called back, looking at her over his shoulder jokingly.

"_What_?"

"C'mon! It's on me!"

Aly ran up to catch up with him. "No way, Black. I'm paying."

"Do you have any money on you?"

"Err…"

Sirius gives a bark-like laugh. "It's decided then. Chocolate or vanilla?"

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **

He led me to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. I refused to let him know how I was enjoying the weather, and how much I was annoyed by his pestering. He kept on talking, about the most ridicules things. He loved snow; especially snowball wars. That's what he called them- wars. Can you believe it?!

Finally, we got there. A wave of warm air brushed my hair back as we stepped into the shop, heading to a small table by the window, taking off our coats.

"So. The TWH. How'd you hear about it?" Black asked, settling into his sit.

I paused, surprised. That's just such a good question, no one ever asked it. Ever. I was actually worried that they would in the interview, you know, but they never did… I even prepared a cover story and everything.

"Me? Summer after third year. I was buying my robes, and overheard the owner talk about it with her husband."

Actually, I was buying a few second hand cloths, the cheapest they had, trying to conserve the small amount of money I had. A ridiculously small amount of money. Only what was left in my pockets and purse when my parents flew away to the USA, leaving me behind.

The owner saw me, dressed in cloths I haven't changed in about a week, dirty and alone. She looked me up and down, critical. After I left, I found a brochure for the services of the TWH tacked into my bag. It had addresses and even muggle phone numbers. So of course, I had to call. I was sleeping in the street by then, and it got pretty cold at night.

So yeah, I called. And they've been helping me ever since. With my school money, and textbooks and what not. All silently- I don't think anyone knew I was in the program apart from the immediate Hogwarts staff and my helper- a seventh year back then, who helped me through all the processes. I've been waiting to join ever since I turned seventeen.

Black's eyebrows shot up with amusement. "_Overheard_? Where were you overhearing?"

"At the door to their study, of course!" I smirked. Then I frowned. _Wait. I'm joking with Black!?_

He laughed again. I swallowed a mouthful of my ice cream, smiling to myself. His body shook when he laughed, as if he used every muscle to enforce that crazed sound of joy.

"What about you?" I asked. He seemed to relax, pushing back in his chair, which now stood on its two back legs.

"Oh, I've known about it forever. My dad used to hate it; they were working to stop muggle harassment at the time. I knew I'd join since I was about five. Make them mad."

All right, I know Black's family is this crazed, muggle hating Slytherin bunch. That's one of the reasons I always hated him- he was the offspring of one of the most hatful, dark families around- and he was bloody rich. It figures it would work like that, right? I wasn't surprised Black's dad was against the TWH. I should have realized it before, actually. But why would Black wanna make him mad?

"Make them mad?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Why?!"

He looked at me strangely. "I have my reasons."

Realizing what was happening I stopped, hiding a blush. I took another bite.

"So. Have you given any thought to the fundraiser?" he asked, taking out a folder and a few quills. I blinked, unaware that he might do something so… responsible. I mean, I was sure he'd just let me do all the work and get credit or something…

"Well, yeah, sure," I said. I placed my notes by his folder. They looked very small in comparison.

Black seemed to notice, but he didn't say anything. I bit my lip, saying nothing. _Little prat._

"I was thinking, you know, a party." He said, suddenly uncertain. He didn't touch the folder, as if afraid to see what's inside.

"That would be good," I said. "With dancing, and food… we could try to get some band to play-"

"Muggle music," he said. I looked up, confused.

"I'm sorry?"

He started playing with his spoon, not looking at me. Is this Sirius Black, or Peter Pettigrew?

"Muggle music. You know. We could raise awareness if we use muggle music."

I tried to shield my shock.

"Yeah, that would be good," I said, slowly. It was more then good. It was great. "And we can serve muggle food, maybe ask to come in muggle cloths-"

"And sell muggle staff," he put in, smiling in relief. His eyes were suddenly huge, consuming me in grayness. He looked so excited, enthusiastic. "Those wooden quills and light bulbs and stamps!"

I looked at him, surprised.

There was a moment of silence. I pointed at his folder.

"May I see that?"

**Sirius Black:**

She reached over, taking the packed notebook in gentle, careful hands. He found himself staring at them as she turned the pages, each overflowing with black ink, detail, and vivid descriptions. Her fingers barely held each paper, touching but not touching. Her eyes scanned the rows of messy sentences, as she mouthed the ideas. Her brow wrinkled sweetly with astonishment. Locks of dark hair dropped over her forehead.

She was so beautiful.

He breathed in, trying to get his heart to relax. It was beating a hundred times a second, and that couldn't be too healthy. Aly looked up, glancing at him momentarily. Forget the hundred per minute. Every time she looked at him, his heart skipped a bit.

Does she like it? Does she hate it? What would she say? Is it enough? Too much? Please don't let it be too much. Please don't let her look up and laugh, mock him for a fruitless effort…

"This is…" he held his breath. Moment of truth… "This is amazing. How- when-? I mean- this is really good, Black. We can really do something with this."

She smiled at him, uncertain. She hadn't expected this. He surprised her. But she was glad. She said it was good. She said it was amazing.

He realized he was grinning from ear to ear, stretching his mouth a little too much. But he couldn't stop… the blood coursed through his body loudly, supporting lungs that pumped mouthfuls of air up his throat, almost suffocating him.

He grinned, anyway.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **

The rest of the day was great. I mean, it actually was- you know, ok. Even though it was Sirius Black. Even though we were, technical, working. Even though it was snowing and cold and other people were all around us, screaming and yelling, talking and laughing.

We finished going over our plans in the Parlor. Then we moved on to Flourish and Blott's, to look at some muggle study books- turns out Sirius has been taking that class for quite a while. He told me about his family, how he had such different views from them. How he left as soon as he could. I told him about my mum, and her wizard hating ways. We laughed at the opposites of our ancestry.

Our next stop was Quality Quidditch Supplies. (Of course!) It had absolutely nothing to do with the dance, but we both love the sport, so why not? Though we did decide to conduct some muggle sports game- basketball, or football, during the dance. Later Sirius told me the most hilarious story about Pettigrew and broomsticks. It involved Potter's broom, and a very mean owl…

By then, it was close to three. Time to go. We laughed our way back to the Leaky Cauldron, and sat on the bench by the entrance.

"He did not!" I screeched, giggling like a maddened pixie. Sirius was barely sitting on the chair out of laughter.

"You bet he did! Right across the grounds, naked as a new born babe…" I giggled, trying to compose myself.

Behind us, the clock chimed three.

I looked up at him, still smiling. The laughter wasn't quiet gone from his eyes. His beautifully light gray eyes.

"So…" he said.

I awoke with a start. "Yes. I'll work on the decoration arrangements… I'm sure I can find some people to help… just don't forget to call everyone else. We'll have a group meeting Saturday. Ok?"

"Yeah, no problem. Don't worry about it."

There was silence. We looked at each other sheepishly, smiling. I giggled every once in a while, remembering something funny he said before.

"Morla!" someone called from inside. We both looked back, surprised to learn we weren't alone in the world.

"I'm coming! Just give me a moment!" I yelled back, and moved to stand up hurriedly.

A strong hand stopped me, pulling me back down.

I looked into his eyes. He looked into mine. There was silence. Someone in the cauldron shop to our left was talking loudly.

And then he kissed me.

Sirius Black. Kissed me.

It was so sudden. Not like I wasn't thinking about it. About this perfect moment for a kiss. But I didn't think he'd have the nerve- the courage- to actually do it. That only happens in fairy tales.

Right?

Obviously not. My eyes were closed. I was _enjoying_ it. A lot. His tongue tugged at my lips, gently willing them to open.

And they almost did.

**Sirius Black:**

The slap vibrated throughout his body.

His cheek burned. He opened his eyes, shocked. Aly was running away, into the Leaky Cauldron- away from him, away from their moment, away from everything. He thought she liked it. The plan, him, the kiss. It was going so well. He didn't even mean to kiss her but- God, she was so beautiful, and funny, and fun- and it was such a perfect moment, with his heart beating so hard it was practically an on going heart attack.

But she didn't like it. She hated it. He ruined it. Ruined everything, she'll never forgive him. He should have known she wasn't that kind of girl- to kiss on the first… not even date, was it? Just a meeting. What was he thinking?!

Nothing, that's what. So stupid. Always so stupid!!! Remus always told him, _think before you do anything drastic._ But no… he's too bloody _smart_ for that…

He got up, almost forgetting to take the plans. Maybe he could send it to her, she could do it without him. He won't be able to stand to work with her all break long after this. No way. It was bad enough before she knew how he felt.

As if by magic, it started snowing. He rubbed his hands together for warmth, pulled the coat tighter around him. Why the hell did he invite her to eat ice cream in the middle of winter?!

Sighing heavily, he began to walk away. Head down, shoulders hunched.

This was definitely not his day.

**_Yo all! Thoughts?_**

**_Before you ask- Sirius and Aly ARE related, but it's by marriage. And Molly Weasley was pregenant with Bill when the gang was in first year, so I sortta changed that. It was just so perfect...!_**

**_Reviews:_**

_-EHWIES- short... yeah, but it was an early update. for me. (I usually update every other week.) I hope you feel better!_

_infiniteternity- you're in luck, then... angst, coming up! lol. even though this chapter was majorly romance, everything's leading up to this very very huge turnning point... (and the climax! I have no clue what to write after that!!!)_

_Lauralanthalassa- some great guesses. Aly and Sirius almost did have a fight by Gringotts... but... ;-) maybe this would help you- everything's end result should end up around the same as JKR said it would. meaning- Harry will be born, peter will betray them all, Remus will become Harry's teacher, and Sirius will go to Azkaban for 12 years... _

_the geek over there- thank you! Lily's potion won't affect her, or anyone but the four marauders. she specified enouhg to include them only. _

_xoxPotter'sGirlxox- well, if you feel bad for a person you hate then I must be pretty good at this... jk. _

_Nyxelestia- it will be more then intersting. well, I hope so, anyway. I hope that you'll be sitting on the edge of your sit, your nose almost touching the computer screen, so shocked on horriefied! evil laugh so... I updated. Ahem?_

_Baby Seal- real pity it is! though she's obviously way beyond realization by the time she starts her recorder. wonder what would happen next... :-)_

_stag-star- update! here it is! did you like it? (good thing you remember James's fear. it is crucial!!!)_

_Lexy Granger- here's the update... (hope you're feeling better?) I would really like to know what you think's going on. really. you might actually have it right! (I dropped enough clues...) (no, not really, did I?)_

_Snowflake Prongsette- as a person who just had a cold, I'm forced to say- give her a break. she's sick. as a human being: EW!_

_IluvSEVERUS- everytime I read your penname I start giggling. I love it! (review, where's the review... got it.) I would love to know what you think will happen this christmas. if you get time, would you send me an email or something? pm? PLEASE? I updated!_

_zEthHPfrEaK- the wait is over! like it?_


	35. Chapter 35

**Remus Lupin:**

Remus lay on the sofa, stretching contentedly.

By his bare chest lay Coral, her golden hair wild, lightly stroking his sweating skin. She lay close to him, a thin blanket covering them both. Remus watched her eyelashes flatter lightly in sleep. He caressed her cheeks, chuckling as she smiled.

It was nearing evening, and soon their one-day of freedom would end. Outside the carefully shut curtains was the full moon, awaiting the setting of the sun. It was a matter of hours before he'll move her gently, get dressed, and go to meet the others in Kings Cross. They would be going together to that little cabin they found up north; completely deserted and private from other humans he might accidentally hurt.

So he may become a wolf, once again.

Remus felt his muscles tense to the very thought. The very memory of the experience. It was the same every full moon, the pain of waiting, the pain of becoming, the pain of having no control over his own thoughts… The pain of transforming back. The pain of seeing the damage he himself has done.

It was better in the last few years, of course. With the marauders accompanying him ever since fifth year. They were supposed to contact him when it was time to leave- to say if they can even come. James's uncle might not allow it, and Peter wasn't sure he could find the transportation, living in his orphanage. He'll be coming late anyway- the others would meet at around seven or eight, while Peter will join them after the actual transformation. He wasn't much help before then, anyway, since they didn't really need to anyone to open the secret room this time…

Coral moved around, turning to look at him. Her bluish-violet eyes smiled at him lovingly, tracing his face. He pulled a golden curl out of her face, and tickled her with it. She moved closer.

"I need to go soon," he whispered.

Coral didn't answer, closing her eyes. She placed her head on his chest.

"Not yet."

**Peter Pettigrew:**

SPLASH!

The stone landed in the lake with a loud splatter. Peter looked at the repealing liquid; the increasingly growing circles surrounding the sinking stone. His face was emotionless as he threw another toward the silent water.

He was sitting down under one of the trees in his favorite childhood park. He used to go there with his parents, way back before they died. His stomach churned at the thought, and he winced. He didn't generally like to think of those times.

Not that there was much to think about, of course. Sickness proclaimed his family when he was only five, and the few memories he still had were limited and dulled. He mostly remembered spending much time in the hospital, and at his grandmother's. And this park… this lake.

Peter threw another rock once the ripples disappeared. He didn't need to look around to know where they would sit, him, his parents, and his two older brothers, when they came here every Saturday. His father would spread a clean white blanket over the soft grass, and his mum would sit down on it, beginning to unpack the picnic basket. His brothers would begin running toward the lake, and jump in excitedly. He would always follow.

Peter didn't know where the thoughts were coming from. He hadn't thought of his family in a very long time. He hadn't come to the lake in years. In fact, he hadn't even planned on visiting today, with the water too cold to enter.

Perhaps he just needed to get away from the orphanage. Every year as he returned for Christmas or summer vacation, he would find more new children to pester him with annoying questions. "How come you go to a special school?" "Where do you have the money to pay them?" "Don't you have anywhere else to go the rest of the year?" And his personal favorite- "Aren't you too old to be in an orphanage?"

He threw another rock.

He _was_ too old to be in an orphanage. But he had absolutely no money to be anywhere else, and muggle law stated that yes, he could in fact remain there until he turned eighteen. As if he would want to. If he just had the money, he would sprint out of there faster then the quickest cheetah.

Sometimes he couldn't help but be a bit jealous of his friends. They were all wealthy, and no matter what their troubles were, no matter how terrible their lives were, he couldn't help but think that they could never be completely helpless… completely powerless against the world. Sirius, though disowned, still had a traditional inheritance from the Blacks to look forward to, plus all that money his uncle gave him. Remus had his parents and all their savings all to be given to him once they die. And James- he had enough money to do and be anyone he wanted.

And if that wasn't enough, all of them had such bright futures before them! Remus with his perfect grades at everything, Sirius and James' brilliant test scores. Each of them could look forward to full careers, with no worries and- most likely- a decent spouse. He would be lucky to be accepted as a bloody assistant in the lower branches of the ministry, with his poor grades and failed OWLs. He didn't dare think of the up coming N.E.W.T.s.

At least he needn't worry about marriage. Peter smiles to himself. As powerless as he may be, he still had Vanessa. They've been dating since the beginning of sixth year, the first Gryffindor/Slytherin couple in the longest time. Of course James managed that, as well, which sort of annoyed Peter since this was (at least in his own mind) _his _"thing", but they were still the first.

He knew Vanessa loved him. She was the only one to really understand him- really and truly able to see beyond the surface. He could tell her anything- his jealousies and doubts, what he thought of his friends and his observations in general. She would listen, and she would kiss him and hug him and tell him that she knew that he was the best. That she would never leave him, because they belonged together. Peter put his pile of stones down. Vanessa was the best thing in his world.

She told him everything, also. She told him about her father, how he would get drunk and attack her with his sharp belt. She told him about living among the wealthy Slytherin, each more self-adoring then the next. Peter frowned, remembering the last thing she told him before they departed at Kings Cross. About finding a way out- a powerful wizard that was willing to share his power… If they would only help him rule the world.

Peter didn't know much about Lord Voldemort. He thought he heard the others talk about him a few times, about his reign of terror. Vanessa said he was the most powerful wizard in the world. She said he had started a rebellion against the government, and will try and over throw them. To make everything better for everyone.

They had a huge fight. Vanessa wanted to join Voldemort's armies- become a Death Eaters, as they were being called. But Peter knew his friends would object to such a thing. They loved this government, loved their bright, painless futures filled with money and happiness. They had nothing to worry about, like having nowhere to leave, or having starving to death.

They had no idea.

And yet, his friendship with them was more powerful then his self pity and his misery. When he was with Sirius, James, and Remus, Peter knew he was safe. They would never harm him, like others in the school tried. They would never make fun of him for his clumsiness- they knew his advantages, knew what he was good at. They could use him; make him feel helpful and important to their prank operations. Of course, they hadn't pulled a prank in a few months, but Sirius must be thinking up something. They wouldn't stop. They couldn't.

Peter stood up, and stretched. His friends were more important to him then anything in the world- hopefully Vanessa would understand. Hopefully she would let him not be a Death Eater with her, but still be her boyfriend. Hopefully she would still want to talk to him about everything if he didn't join Voldemort.

And if she wouldn't… then he would stay with the marauders. They would never abandon him, even after graduation. They would help him get by; support him if he had trouble. He trusted them. They trusted him.

They were the marauders, after all.

It was getting dark. The sun had long set, and the full moon shone darkly upon him.

Peter shivered. Off to King Cross, then.

**From James Potter's Journal: (**future

I stood at the gates to the Potter Manor, reluctant to enter.

Even I had no clue way. I mean… this was my house. Sure, the garden was a mess, and all around the yard weeds and dirt filled every inch, but I had expected that. I expected to find bodies lying all over the ground; actually, of dead people only I could see. Or was that a nightmare? Well, by now I really don't know what's a nightmare and what's not…

I walked on. Where once was a stone-lined pathway there were now wild plants, grass and dead branches. The trees on both sides of the house were a gray sort of brown, somewhat slumped in their stand… my house looked like a hunted house, glaring down at me, dark and forbidden. My home seemed to come out of little kid's nightmares. I wondered what had gone here in Halloween.

As I reached for the doorknob, I shivered. It was late afternoon and the sun was still up, yet the property looked to be under the only rain cloud in the near few kilometers. I half expected thunder to roar as I opened the unlocked door, walking inside to a dead silence.

I looked around, fearing the worst. There were no skulls on the floor. No bones left over under the couch. I breathed deeply, feeling better. There was nothing to worry about. What could have possibly happen in a few short months?

The entrance room seemed like no one has been there since Gryffindor's time. The floor was covered with dust, dead bugs, and snakeskins. I've never seen anything like it. All the pictures lining the walls were completely unrecognizable, so many layers of dirt covering the glass. I threw my travel cloak on one of the fallen armchairs, which must have broken back in October when the marauders and I had the fight with Laurence. The air around it filled with dust, and grime. Dozen of bugs made their way from under the sofa to a new hiding place, their little legs dashing across the wood, magnified by the intolerable silence. I coughed my way out of the room, my eyes stinging painfully.

Where was my mum? Where was Laurence? Where they even here, still? Were they even…

Alive?

I felt panic rising inside me. It was too quiet. Too bloody quiet for this to be… ok.

I looked around again. Where was I? The house was nearly unrecognizable, so unused, deserted. I saw a rather clear pathway in the dust carpet, leading to the kitchen. So Laurence still ate, it seemed…

I stepped over to the stairway, trying not to walk over something disgusting. On the third step I found a dead rat, with… creatures, eating the meat off it. I turned away, wanting to vomit. There's only so much a guy can take- and boy that stunk.

My mum's room was on the third floor. As I neared it, I began to hear noises. The clanking of bottles; some soft, crazed murmurs. A loud, high-pitched laugh.

Her bedroom door was in view. The hysterical laugh subsided, as the source gulped down something. I bit my lip, reaching to push the door open.

"Potter!" called my step dad, standing up in greetings. He raised his hand, spilling some of the beer from his bottle in the process. He stumbled over his own feet, falling to the ground helplessly. I stood in the doorway, disgusted, glancing at the broken bottles all over the floor, the wet carpet. Laurence laughed, standing up again. He gulped down more from the bottle's pit.

"Have a drink, James, my boy! It is time for celebrations!" he screamed, exploding in laughter. I looked around critically. The room was so dark. I could barely see him as he sat back down near the unlit hearth, drinking some more. Nothing to celebrate here.

Laurence turned his chair to face me, and laughed again. Drunk some more. Then he wiped his mouth with his sleeve, concentrating his dark eyes on me.

"I am a very rich man, James Potter," he whispered.

I froze. His eyes looked straight into mine, focused and completely coherent. He licked some beer off his chin, smiled at me with pure happiness and joy. What does he mean, a very rich man?

Laurence laughed again. This time it was a booming, roaring laughter, chilling me to the bone. I shuddered, my knees wobbly. All the strength seemed to seep out of me, as understanding dawned.

No…

I looked over at the bed, standing, quiet and forbidden, at the side of the room. It was no longer the warm, comfortable place I always remembered. The sheets were dirty, stained with blood- the whole structure had been pushed this way and that through over enthusiastic attacks of "love". It stood in the darkest part of the room, the windows on both sides hidden away behind dark curtains.

But it wasn't abandoned, as I had first thought. There was something in the bed- someone, lying there, motionless. I stepped closer, terrified of what I might find. Laurence's laugh followed me as I looked on in horror.

"Mum…"

She lay there, skin and bones. Her eyes were closed, her mouth slightly opened. Her hair stuck to her hair, dump and lifeless. I grabbed for her hand, looking for a pulse- anything- that would say that she wasn't… I wasn't…

Wasn't an orphan…

Her hand, barely more then a bone, was lined with blue and red blood vines. I never saw anything like it. It was bony and freighting, like a skeleton arm, draped with grayish skin that felt rough and dead in my hands. I placed a finger over her mouth, looked for breath. Her lips were cold, bleeding, coarse. No air escaped them.

I felt my throat tighten, my stomach go weak. I felt sick and helpless, aware of tears making their way down my cheeks. My hands shook. It took me a while to remember how to work my lungs.

My heart was pounding in my chest, threatening to explode out of my ribcage. My breath coming in irregular, jugged intakes, as my vision blurred with tears. She couldn't be dead. I hadn't told any authorities about Laurence, I hadn't asked for help from anyone- was this because of the marauders? Was this because what we did, way back then? Vomit made its way up my throat. My eyes widened, my whole body shook uncontrollably. What have I done to make him do this? What had I done to make him kill her?!

Visions of my dad emerged from my subconscious. Him lying in this very bed, blood coming out of his mouth. Christmas, just last year, when we first say the effects of his sickness. The hospitals, the Healers telling us his progress… him, in a white hospital gown, pale and thin and weak… I looked down at my mum. Looked at her, studied her face, the lines of pain tracing her once soft, smooth skin. She used to be the most beautiful woman in the world. She used to sing to me as she cooked, and laugh as I told her about my day. She called me her little boy when I was young, and then her young man… and every year, when I went away to Hogwarts, she would cry and hug me tightly, refusing to let go…

"She took her time," Laurence said behind me. I almost forgot he was there. "A strong woman, your mother was. I cast the spell on our wedding day… to make her die the same way her dear husband had. They are all the same, those widows… so upset… _depressed…_ you won't believe how easy it is to just… take control," I looked up at him, anger and hate raising inside me. He was looking down, his eyes flashing with evil, his smile a nasty, devilish grin.

"You put her under the imperus," I said. I was sitting on the floor, barely, too weak from shock to support my own body. "That's why she married you…"

"Yes," he laughed. "Of course. It's easy, for someone grieving and drunk… easy to hold them in line, have them give you…" he liked his lips with sick pleasure. " What you _want. _"

I felt my magic flare, burning its way through my body. I jumped at him, pushing him to the floor with all my strength. My magic escaped unguarded, hurting him, hurting him in any way that I could think of while I tried to choke him with my bare hands.

He laughed, throwing me off him forcefully. I landed a few feet away, collapsing to the floor in loud yell. The noise cut through the sudden silence. I looked around quickly, seeing Laurence leaning towards my mother.

He kissed her, pulling at her hair like she was some sort of doll. I looked at him with horror, feeling the anger rays inside me. He looked back at me, his mouth red with blood. She was bleeding from inside, just like my dad had…

I run out the room, hearing Laurence's laugh follow me as I sprinted down the stairs, right back to the entrance room.

I smashed into the door, searching for the doorknob. When has it gotten so dark in here?! The windows were all closed, shut with black drapes. Insects crawled all over the floor, and I heard a snake hiss from near the fireplace.

Where was the bloody doorknob!?

My hands ran over the rough wood, feeling the area were my exist should have been. _It wasn't there._

I pulled away, breathing heavily. Understanding hit me with a new strike of pain. He had been locked here ever since she died. It was a charm my dad told be about years ago… the house would be forever locked if no Potters lived there. No one could exist- just come in, and escape only if another descendent of the Potter bloodline opened the door.

I was only able to enter because I was a Potter- but Laurence wasn't able to get out… and mum, changing her name, and she was only a Potter by marriage…

This house… it was her graveyard.

I threw myself at my trunk, ripping it open. Frantically I began to search. Robes and books were thrown all over the dusty floor, as bugs screeched and ran around in fear. I heard Laurence laugh, and call me to come out. He thought I was hiding.

He was looking for me.

Finally, I found it. My reflection was pale and ghostly, as I stared into the depths f the mirror, clearing my throat.

"Sirius Black!"

"Come out, Potter!" Laurence called from the other room. I looked at the door, closed shut on the other side of the room.

I had to get out of here…

"Hi there Pro- what's wrong?" Sirius asked immediately, looking at me worriedly. "You look-"

"I think my mum's dead, Pads," I said, feeling new tears in my dust covered face. Sirius looked at me with shock. "I think he killed her…"

"There you are!" Laurence called, smiling at me pleasantly. I looked at him with terror. Sirius said something, yelled it, but I couldn't hear him. The mirror was on the floor, and his voice was muffled… Laurence come toward me, his wand out, a sick smile spread on his face.

"Crucio!"

**Sirius Black:**

"I'm coming Prongs! I'm coming!" there was no one answer.

Sirius cursed, looking at the now dark mirror. He had heard Laurence's curse, James's scream, saw a glimpse of his best friend as the mirror dropped to the floor, crashing loudly.

He stood there, unable to move. This just came as such a… so unpredicted, where had it come from?! What was James doing in the Potter Manor? Why hadn't he called before? Why didn't he tell them where he was really going? Why was Mrs. Potter- Mrs. Potter…

He felt pain flash through his body, as he closed his eyes with anger, trying to stop the tears. Mrs. Potter had been like his mother, one of the only elder witches that had ever earned his trust and respect. She was kind and loving, and now she was dead…

_Prongs must be devastated, _he thought.

Then, he smacked himself in the head. No, Prongs wasn't devastated, Prongs was running for his life from a crazy lunatic with a wand.

He jumped up, throwing the mirror at his bed, and looking around for his wand.

This is SO NOT MY DAY!!!

He grabbed a warmer robe, rushed to put his shoes on. _Better call Remus; tell him what's going on… Peter has no idea…_

Thoughts rushed through his mind. He stood up, looking around one last time. He should call for help. He should tell someone.

His eyes landed on the mirror, resting, facedown, on his unmade bed. James's scream vibrated through his body.

There's no time!

He closed his eyes, breathed deeply. Bloody apparating… bloody apparition test… why the hell did he throw out the spilled Floo Powder??!

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

The most horrible thing happened.

I… I don't know where to start. I don't even know where to end. I don't- I don't know anything.

I went to Sirius's house. To apologize. For that slap. I can't believe that was only yesterday, when we had that amazing morning together… it seems so long time ago. A lifetime ago.

Literally.

I stood at the entrance of a tall building close to King's Cross Station. It was actually pretty ancient, which sort of surprised me- I expected a millions-worth mansion. A Black is a Black, after all…

The apartment was on the third floor, right there in the middle. The walls were a dirty white, the floor a broken, old-fashioned tile. This place hasn't been refurnished since the nineteenth century. I searched among the crowded doors, looking for number 7. _Good magical number,_ I reminded myself, nervous and hesitant.

Finally, I found it. The door's cheep wood cover was coming off, revealing a very unattractive surface. Was he saving up for something?

I bit my lip, looking at the sign. It said "Sirius", with nothing else on it. During our… outing… he told me he wasn't too comfortable with his family. I didn't realize he was right out ignoring their genetic relation.

I leaned forward to knock- pulled back again. I should just leave. This is stupid. Since when do I apologize for slapping people? Since when do I apologize at all?

But this was different. This was Sirius Black. This was my mortal enemy. This was the insufferable prankster. This was the guy that made my life a living hell. This was…

This was the guy that made me laugh every day. This was the guy that wasn't afraid to tell me exactly what he thought. This was the guy that accepted me as who I was, as forbidding and biting as I may be. This was the guy that kissed me once in second year, while we were locked together in a forgotten broom closet…

I looked up again, determination overcoming my fear. I'm Alyson Morla, and I am not scared of anything. Especially. Not. Sirius. Black.

I knocked.

**Sirius Black:**

There was a knock on the door.

Sirius jumped up, for a moment imagining Laurence standing at his door. But that was ridicules… and he had no time for company! He closed his eyes again, looking forward with dread. He had more important things to worry about at the very moment, thank you very much…

Another knock. Sirius ignored it, breathing deeply. This was not helping in his concentration. He didn't remember apparition being this hard… it was like something was blocking him from going to the Manor…! Another knock, this time louder. This person was being very-

BAM!

He heard the door flung open in the living room. _What the hell-!_

Running toward the noise, he looked around frantically. _I don't have time for this!!_

"Who's there!" he called into the empty room. "Show yourselves, and leave!"

Sirius looked around, his fingers rubbing the wood of his wand so hard he must have wiped the whole top layer off. There was no one there!

Confused and angry, Sirius walked over to the door, closing it. Slamming it. He breathed again, trying to get back to the apparition. He's worry about the knocking when someone's life wasn't on the line…

"Imperio!" a voice called from behind him. Sirius felt numbness ran through his body. He couldn't move, could barely think…

Through the black fog now clouding his subconscious, Sirius heard a familiar, hated laugh break the sudden silence.

"Hi there, cousin…"

Everything came back into focus. She stood before him, smiling evilly, her wand held high.

Bellatrix Black.

**_Did I scare you?_**

**_So I'm a day late. Sue me. _****_Actually, this was ready last weekend. I was just to lazy to beta it. I now have a few new ideas, though, so I guess it was worth it!_**

**_Reviews:_**

_Ocean of Dreams- Thank you! I tol dyoou guys you'll love Aly at some point..._

_the geek over there- It wasn't actually suppose to be a twist. More of an accident. But, why not? It's not like I have all that much to write about after Christmas... twist it is!_

_xoxPotter'sGirlxox- again with the realtion twist! now I just needc to think of something to back it up! (Thank you!_

_-EHWIES- Thankyou! And I hope this made up for the few POVs last chapter, especailly because it had a brand new one!_

_Nyxelestia- Thanks for the encouragemnet, miss I'm-Not-Updateing-My-Brilliant-Harry-Potter-Story! (I'm still waiting, you know!) I suppose that WOULD make sense. only a few chapters back I wrote that Molly was waiting fro her first born, you know, and that wouldl be REALLY out there, if you pay attention to enough detail. I suppose I can make it the twins, though. that would work better. thanks!_

_Baby Seal- you're right, the story does need some stupidity to be interesting. :-) but worry not, she's getting there... _

_zEthHPfrEaK- thaknyou so much!!! I hope this met your expectations... and exceeded them! lol_

_stag-star- there wasn't much of the potion here, either. not directly. but can you tell how everything's leaning toward it? I bet once you read teh potion centric chapter you'll see it all... I can't wait!!_

_Lexy Granger- Yes, the well awaited kiss...they were each other's frist kiss, you know. back in second year. (just thought I'd mention that, I dunno why.) now if we only got the other love birds to love each other at THE SAME TIME, everythin gwould be ok. :-)_

_IluvSEVERUS- YAY! people are finally loving Aly! didn't I TELL you you'll love her? DIDN'T I?!!_

_Snowflake Prongssete- yes, he is Sirius. he won't give up. (ahem ahem.) not in love matters, anyway. feel better!_

_TandNMLover-I'm glad you like it... did this meet your expectation? (or threw you completly off gaurd?) lol!!_

_Lauralanthalassa- I hope you did great in all your tests! Aly's writing everything in what she calles a Hilarities Recorder. it's really developing into a diary in recent chapters, as her world escalates into something more deep and frightning. (oh, the angst!) she started it as a recorder of all the funny things that happened in Hogwarts while she was there- at the begining of the story ahe wrote about Lily cursing James on that first week, and how funny the after shock was and all that. lately it's been a recoreder of bad news as well as funny staff, though... _

**_well then! wow! i hope you all liked this chapter, and I hope you'll be getting the next chapter soon, though I have no idea how I'm gonna start it. (so much to cover!) _**

**_-Autumn_**


	36. Chapter 36

**Remus Lupin:**

_Where are they?_

Remus looked around, frowning. It was nearing eight, and the moon was swiftly moving up the sky. Soon it would be up… soon it would be time…

But no one was there yet!

It wasn't like his friends not to show up. Or be late. Or anything- not for a full moon. He could go in alone, of course, but if they surprised him as a grown werewolf right after a transformation…

He shuddered.

Remus looked around again. Nothing. The forest around him was dense, the trees entwining between each other like thick, binding ropes. The ground was damp with old snow, and the air seemes cold enough to freeze his very blood- was it not pumping with exploding energy. Remus shivered, reaching out to the door of the hut in defeat. It will not be a joy to wake up with now fur and the pieces of torn cloths all over the floor…

Steping in, he saw that the cabin wasn't as secure as they had first thought. Had the guys been here, they would have reinforced the walls, magically, to make them stick. They always did those sort of tihngs. _He_ didn't have his wand on him- not after that incident last year. There weren't even any pieces left over to keep that last time...

He closed the door behind him, locking it. It would take effort to break trough the walls, even as a wolf. They kept the wind out, for one thing, and had to stay up for at least ten minutes… they had to. Hopefully _someone _would get there by then. Remus pulled his coat off, placing it as far out of reach as he could manage, along with his shoes. Everything else was, as of this moment, gone. He sat on the bed, scanning the star-filled sky. A few more minutes of sanity.

On the far side of the room, a broken mirror hang limply, collecting dust. Through it he saw the Remus Lupin that always resides in his nightmares- steel tight muscles; endless, black eyes. He had shaved only that morning, and already, a small beard covered his chin, then neck, hands… he heard a bird chip in the forest, smelled a small mammal hopping a distance away.

_Any minute now._

The clouds shifted, revealing a deathly white moon.

He howled.

**Sirius Black:**

_Bellatrix!_ His mind hissed, gaping at her with shock.

She stood there, her wand pointed at his chest, smiling smugly. Her dark eyes flashed with sadistic excitement, as she stepped forward, placing one long, cold finger on his cheek.

"My first imperious," she said, running it across his face. "_Impressive_, huh?"

He wanted to grab her hand and break it. It felt like a hot knife on his skin. But his hands wouldn't obey…

"Of course, you probably don't understand anything I'm saying, or at least don't comprehend it. Don't you love that cloudy bliss? Not knowing, not caring… just drifting alone, doing as you're told." She smirked again, her eyes shining. "Completely under _my control._" She slapped him across the cheek, hard enough to leave a mark. He urged to jump up, protect himself- or, more temptingly, hit her back- but his muscles won't badge. He stared on helplessly as she laughed, delighted.

Bellatrix danced away, her back to him, before turning back again. "My only regret is- you won't remember this in the morning," she said, sounding truly disappointed. "Waste, really. I would have died to see your expression when you realized what you did… will do," she corrected, and giggled like an excited five-year-old. Sirius gulped. What would she have him do?!

And how come he was conscious? He had had the imperious over him before. His parents had seen it as a main course of discipline. He never was aware of his surrounding, not during nor after the curse was set. Bellatrix might have done something wrong- the curse might wear off, then, was she not careful! Sirius's heart jerked with hope. There's a chance, if he could only…

"You don't like hunting muggles, do you, Siri?" Bella asked, stepping closer again. She played with his hair. Sirius tried to control his disgust. "You Gryffindors and your stupid ethics. You are going to love it. And the Dark Lord needs more supporters. As do I,"

_Bow to me,_ said a voice in his head.

Sirius felt his knees fold below him, his hands move as if by themselves.

_Not by them selves,_ he thought, frustrated. _By her!_

Bella laughed. "I'll make a death eater out of you," she whispered, petting his head, running her icy fingers through his hair.

Inside his no longer private mind, Sirius screamed.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

I knocked.

There was no answer. No, forget that- there was no _noise._ The world had gone silent.

I was getting nervous, standing there in a not so good part of highly urbanized London. Alone. A female muggle born, who hasn't even graduated yet.

I knocked again, harder. The thud vibrated around the room, making it seem a lot bigger, a lot scarier. I stepped closer to the door.

"Black? Open up!!"

Standing so much closer, I could hear a sharp intake of breath, and then a giggle. Sirius Black giggles? That doesn't sound too…

Suddenly, the door opened. Sirius Black stood before me, taller and bigger then I remembered. I've never stood so close to him- he towered at least a head above me!

I stepped back quickly, so I could actually see his face. It was set in stone, emotionless and threatening. His eyes, though- they were the usual light gray, staring at me with unfitting helplessness.

He said nothing. His body blocked the view inside the room, and he didn't invite me in. This perfect morning seemed to be centuries ago… but he had every right to be angry. Right?

"I-I'm sorry for barging in like this-"

"I let you in."

His voice was cold, as lifeless as his face. What was going on? How far does anger go?

"Right," I said quickly, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. "Right. Sorry. I was- I didn't mean to…" I looked at his motionless body helplessly. "Look, you- and I… I wasn't expecting it, ok? It was bloody second year!"

The sad thing is- I wasn't making sense to myself. And I was the one talking.

I wanted to rub my temples to make the throbbing pain go away, but that would be rude. Hadn't bothered me before, but this is different… or is it?

I took a big breath, stepped up once again, and looked the bloody git right in the eye.

"What I mean to say is- you're a Black. I thought you hated muggleborns- and of course, I am one. I didn't think it would work. But today you told me about your family and everything and I realized that maybe you aren't like them. Maybe you're different. So I… gave you a chance. And I ended up liking you- a lot more then I wanted to. So when you kissed me, I panicked. I seriously panicked from a kiss!" I laughed nervously. He was staring at me, his eyes wide beyond the still stony expression. It was like two different people, glaring at me at the same time.

Seriously creepy.

"Are you gonna say anything?" I asked. This didn't turn out like I thought. If he was any other guy I would have turned around to leave long ago, but the taste of his lips still lingered on mine, strong and mysterious and salty. And the memories from earlier that day flashed in my mind, every breathtaking one of them, making my subconscious fly. I wanted more- a lot more. I wanted Sirius Black.

"Actually," he said, his voice a coarse whisper, as if it cost him a lot to say it. "Actually, you were right the first time… I don't date mud bloods."

He smiled, _smirked, _but his eyes filled with horror. I looked around nervously. This didn't feel right _at all…_

"On the contrary," his voice was back to normal, strong and powerful, bloody smug- "I much rather see the end of your kind, Morla," He tilted his head to the side, grinning at me like a vampire… His eyes flashed, and my confusion deepened. What was going _on?!_

"Expelliarmus!" he called, his wand cutting the distance between us, making me stumble backward. My own wand was thrown out of my pocket, to be caught by…

"Hi there, Mudblood. Missed me?"

Bellatrix Black.

Oh, the joy of the holidays.

**From Lily Evans' Record of Past Events:**

Blinding sunlight filtered through my eyelids.

I breathed, shifted in bed. Bloody daylight…

Was still there.

Grr.

I sat up, blinking sleepily. I was lying in bed, dressed in dirty, damp robes. My hair was a wet mess on my head, pointy and rough. My eyes felt big, and puffy, and stinging from tears and weird chemicals. Was I crying?

My gaze landed on a trail of wetness leading from my bed to the open bathroom door.

Oh, yeah. I was crying.

Memories of last night flooded my mind. Peter, the potion… I started making my way to the bathroom, hesitant and frightened. The potion! Had I destroyed the potion?

One look at the ruined room told me that, no, I had not. The floor was a small ocean, a brownish liquid hiding the stone. It seemed like an explosion happened, a volcano eruption of snake scales and spider venom. The walls were splattered in the dark thing, the bath over flowing with it… the air was thick with heavy, suffocating scents, the air itself so dense that I could see it all around me, a yellow sort of fog…

And right in the middle of it all, my cauldron. Pushed to its side, the fire upon which it stood before long gone. The opening faced me, dark and glistening with left over that hadn't spilled outside.

A lot of left over.

Too much left over.

Enough left over, for the potion to work.

I stepped forward, my heart pounding. This couldn't be. I did all this- such a stupid mistake- and now- the marauders---!

The brownish water was like mud, making my hike inside a full on battle. I dashed forward, tears again flowing down my cheeks. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be it…

I crunched near the cauldron, tilting it upward. The liquid inside moved slowly, rolling to a new position. A cry escaped my lips, carrying the horror, defeat, despair. This was enough. This was enough to make the potion work, after all.

There was nothing I could do to stop it now… Peter Pettigrew will become a werewolf. Remus Lupin will face a monster. Sirius Black will be lost in a dark place, and James Potter would spend his Christmas alone and helpless.

Unless…

Unless the potion was temporary. Unless it would _only_ work for forty-eight hours, before it just… faded away.

And if I could manage to keep them safe until then, they maybe- just maybe- everything will be fine.

I looked up, new found hope shining in my eyes. There was a chance. Maybe I was crazy to think so, but I did- _there was a chance._ A chance to save them.

Or at least one of them. Peter Pettigrew. The most vulnerable. The one whose fear is most specific, most disastrous. The one whose fear isn't possible to conquer. Potter could survive two weeks with no contact with his friends. Black could find his way out of the darkness, or be man enough to call for help. Remus could fight his monsters… and win. But Peter- his fear is to _become_ a werewolf. No running away from that…

I stood up, determined to stop this evil I created. How could I be so stupid?! Now I had to get Peter, drag him somewhere safe, force him to stay there until the danger was beyond gone… he would fight me, but he wasn't that great a wizard, to say the truth, and-

But where was he?

I paused briefly, horror and panic again overcoming my every cell. I'll figure it out on the way. I had to.

I racked my brain. Te potion must have already taken effect. So the only way of finding him, really, was to find out where a werewolf could attack conveniently. There weren't that many werewolves alive today. A few hundreds, but not all of them lived in Britain… I could find full listing to them in the library, in the Ministry notes… wasn't that umbridge person trying to get laws against them or something? There must be _something _available…

I rushed to the library, throwing some cloths over myself. Maybe the librarian would help me…

I spent three hours in the library, reading. I finally found a huge book full of all the werewolves ever to roam Europe, up until seven years ago. I flipped to the newest list. Read the meaningless names, tears of frustration dropping on the black ink.

This was useless. There were no addresses. Half of these people could be in France, for all I knew, and even if they were here, then where? And would it really matter, with me not knowing where to look for Peter? At all?!

"Lorbtchki, Abram." I read. Skipped a few. "Lutero, Mike."

I changed the page, almost ripping the fragile parchments. My breath caught in my throat, and I started choking on my own spit.

"Lupin, Remus." It said in big, bold letters.

I had found my match.

Before I even had the chance to take in the fact that one of my class mates was a blood thirsty beast, my mind raced forward. Remus would know where Peter was. All the marauders would. I would go to Remus- Coral was bound to have his address somewhere. I would get to Peter. I would force him to hide until this time, tomorrow night.

And everything would be fine.

--

Or not.

"What do you mean he's already gone?!"

Coral blinked at me with surprise. "He left," she said calmly, her eyebrows raised. "He's not here right now."

After leaving the library, I spent precious minutes fighting the fat lady for access into the Gryffindor common room before remembering my Head Girl badge.

Add fifteen more minutes of searching fro the Lupin household in Coral's organized bunk.

Add ten minutes of running to Hogsmeade, and apparating to London.

Add five minutes by the door, pounding my heart out.

Add 32 seconds of yelling at Coral.

And here I was now, the sun setting behind me, standing before her. And she was telling me that Remus was gone. That he was already transforming. That in a matter of hours, maybe less, Peter would be encountered by his greatest fear- and his best friend.

"Well… where did he go?" I demanded, looking at her with concealed hysteria.

Or not so concealed hysteria, by the look she was giving me. "I don't know, Lily. He'll be back in the morning."

"It can't wait that long!" I yelled. Then I turned from her, my hands jerking as if by themselves with unused energy. Adrenaline traced my veins. A different kind of curse run over and over in my mind.

I swirled back around. "Coral, I- I have to talk to Remus. I have to know where he is."

She looked me up and down calmly. "Well, I'm sorry, Lily. You're just gonna have to wait."

"Coral-" I paused, thinking. I had to. I _had _to. "Remus's a werewolf."

Her jaw dropped.

"I know, I'm sorry," I said hurriedly. "But I think he's going to bite P-someone tonight, and I have to stop him, so please tell me where he is!"

Coral was speechless. She stammered pathetically fro a few seconds. And then-

"I know, Lily. I know he's a werewolf. I… he won't bite anyone. I swear he won't."

My turn fro shock. But there wasn't time. Handled the fact that Remus was a werewolf, and know I'll handle Coral knowing that. "Trust me, tonight's different. I- I know he'll bite someone, unless I stop him. So please just tell me-"

"Don't worry, Lily, he went somewhere where he could never-"

"Damn it, Coral! There's no time!"

I think it was the curse that did it.

Coral backed up, blinking at me with alarm. Aly would have loved this. "I don't know where he is. We don't talk about it."

I stared at her, breathing hard. New curses filled my thoughts. Very bad words I never dreamed of saying. Now they escaped like unstoppable little arrows, puncturing my lungs.

I probably shouldn't write them down, though.

I deflated. The adrenaline stopped running, my heart slowed to a stop. I had one little trail to follow, and I lost it. Not only would Peter become a werewolf, but Remus would be the one to bite him. No one would know where the boys are, and if Remus already left, so did the others.

There was no hope.

I left Coral with not another word, apparating back to Hogsmead, walking back to the castle. By that time the moon was high up. I couldn't run all over the country looking for them. They could be any where on the bloody planet. I had destroyed the life of two human beings. Remus shouldn't be the one to fear monsters- I should. I _am _one.

But then again, so is he…

I fell to my knees by the lake, hopelessness and despair drowning me. My reflection in the water was tired, exhausted, pale and frightened.

All I saw was a selfish evil demon. Guilt ate away at my insides. I had failed everyone. I had caused a disaster that couldn't be stopped. The one thing that mattered, and I completely failed it.

I sat down on the tall grass, letting the tears drop to the still water, hugging myself for warmth.

Then I let go. I didn't deserve warmth. I deserved to die a slow, painful death. I deserve an entity in hell.

Though the walls of trees hiding me from the outside world I heard yelling, pleading.

"…Aly?"

**_I'm sorry for the wait, and I'm sorry for the length, and I'm sorry for the un-spell-check-ness, and I'm sorry I didn't answer reviews. I'm just really not focused right now, and writing is seriously not in focus. I've read the first part of the chapter over and I probably shouldn't post it, but oh well. hopefully you'll like it better._**

_**Random Autumn Fact:**_

_**School is a waste of time. But I guess you already know that. **_


	37. Chapter 37

**From James Potter's Journal:**

I was losing hope, fast.

The whole situation was laughable. Here I was, a grown guy in his own house, hiding in the basement from a maniac running around upstairs yelling curses at random furniture. And here's the funny part- my mum was home.

Ha ha.

I was still trying to warp my mind around her death- around me, being an… orphan. Me. Orphan.

I mean- I was waiting for that grief to come. You know? That… hollowness… the sharp pain inside, the… I was waiting to put a knife in my hand and press. How come it was so much more painful when my dad died?

But then, I'm only human. My mum dieing was horrible, but it wasn't a surprise. I wasn't a naïve little kid, not anymore- I knew my dad would die, but I didn't… _know it._ It's like, when you're a little kid, and you know that when you grow up you'll have to worry about taking the N.E.W.T.s and the OWLs and worry about graduation and grades and the future. And you think that you could handle it. But then when it actually happens you're so overwhelmed, so shocked, you don't understand how you could have ever thought you could possibly handle it.

When my dad died, it was… scary. A shock. We knew he would die. But back then, it was just this… word. A word among a billion others, meaning something that I didn't know, didn't much care about. It was just… death. Scary, misunderstood death. But that was it.

But then he did die. I couldn't talk to him, couldn't feel his warm hand on my shoulder. His eyes didn't sparkle when he looked at me, his lips didn't stretch in a smile. After he died, I was finally confronted with reality- I would never be able to hear him laugh, to listen to his advice, to have him tease me or play Quidditch together. He would never again pet me in the back, radiating with pride, looking at me with that contentment that made my heart lift with the pathetic need to meet his expectations, to make him proud and happy.

My mum's death was different. In my mind I'd already given up on her. She had been dieing ever since my dad had. Ever since that first time she fell sobbing into my arms, she had been dieing. And I've been grieving her all along.

I didn't know how to fight for her. At first I was oblivious- and then it was too late. Laurence had her, and any fight I put up was easily countered with a harsh beating. Soon I was off to school, putting her out of my mind.

And now she was gone. And I wasn't surprised, because I'd already accepted her death a long time ago. I've been grieving a little bit every day for months.

Which made the whole thing even worst. Had I not given up, could I have saved her?

I put my head between my knees, bringing them up to my chest. I could not be feeling guilty about this. It wasn't my fault.

Was it?

I was sitting, crawled up to a small, tight ball on the floor of the smallest room in the basement. It was filthy and unused, with a bunch of brooms set on the wall, looking to have not been in use for around a century or two. There were no windows, and the door was a wooden opening in the ceiling, right by the stairs. It was an obvious hiding place. He would find me soon enough.

I had an advantage over him. I wasn't drunk, for one thing. I was smaller, faster, and I knew the house a lot better. He was currently walking around in the kitchen, and I was down here, listening intently and thinking depressing thoughts about life and death and helplessness.

I hate being helpless.

I hate depending on others to help me. I mean- I appreciate. I am grateful- really I am. But I don't like needing their help. I'm not a kid. I can take care of myself. I don't like it when I'm in a position where all I can do is wait. Hide and wait.

I'm more of the stand-up-and-fight-for-it kind of guy. If it weren't stupid and hopeless, I would have stood up and fought Laurence, right there and then. But it would have been no use. We were both trapped in the house, until anyone else opened it. Any other POTTER came and opened it. Even if the unimaginable had occurred- if I _had_ bit him, all I would have accomplished was an injured enemy dieing in the floor, a corpse molding upstairs, and my own injuries- which there are bound to be some- weakening me.

And I would still be waiting, helplessly, for help. Only then it would be painful, too.

Not that it wasn't painful. Laurence had gotten a few shoots at me. There was a nasty cut extending from my left shoulder to my right thigh. My head was throbbing with what felt like a serious concussion, from when I fell as I stumbled down the stairs. I was bleeding from a billion different parts of my body, and my skin was turning a strange blue from all the times I hit something a little too violently.

I estimated my stay in the Manor to be around four hours. The first thirty minutes were realization of mum's death. The rest was a chase to my life…

I heard yells from right over me. The wooden door was moving, lifted up.

…Which Laurence was winning.

**Peter Pettigrew:**

A flash of lightning.

Peter looked up at the sky, his eyes darting around, searching for the burst of light. It cut the sky open, a lone strike of brilliant intensity among the dark, gray sky. It was raining, and dark, and freezing cold. It will be snowing soon.

He made his way through the trail, cursing Sirius in his mind. 'As easy as the path to the lake' he said. 'So visible a dog can follow it,' he joked, before exploding in insane laughter.

_Bloody lunatic,_ Peter thought, falling down for the fifth time in the last thirty seconds.

He was hiking in the dense forest, trying to figure out which part of the consistent vegetation was the actual path and which were just normal bushes that someone stomped on. Where was the stupid cabin, anyway? What happened to those arrows the guys promised to put up?!

Rearranging his coat, he looked up again, scanning the nearby area. Sirius said it was five minutes off the road. He had walked for at least fifteen minutes. It was supposed to be here.

He was just about to turn around and leave (maybe go back to London and ask Coral were the bloody place was…) when a blood-chilling howl sliced through the silent forest.

"Aha," he murmured, turning in the right direction. It can't be too far, now…

Within minutes, the small structure was visible between the green vines. Peter fastened his coat, glancing at the sky once again. The transformation must have already occurs- the moon was high in the clouded sky, subdued by the dark storm clouds, and the occasional lightning. Thunder filled the uncommon silence as Peter took out his wand, stepping into the entrance. The door would be locked…

With a small pop, it opened. Peter closed his eyes, preparing to transform. It took him longer then the others, and he trusted them to keep the wolf away. He won't be able to unlock the door as a rat, and they couldn't take the risk of transforming human while the wolf was there…

There were noises inside. The wolf was putting up a great fight. Peter searched for the familiar ting in his chest, symbolizing the beginning of the transformation. How could James do this so quickly?!

Inside the cabin, the wolf howled again, a hunting sort of howl, like a predator that had just found its pray. Peter opened his eyes briefly, his concentration broken. What was going _on_ in there??

Huge feet hit the wooden floor, scratching the old timber. Peter heard the excited gasps of the huge animal, felt his own hair stand straight…

With one massive shove, the wolf broke through the door.

Peter screamed.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

"Bellatrix," I hissed, staring at her with shock and horror.

This was soon replaced by anger, hatred, and resentment. Bellatrix Black. Probably the last person I expected to see tonight. I had even thought of her in months… Bellatrix had graduated from Hogwarts a few years ago, even before my parents… moved. For the few short years we spent as classmates she had tormented me to no end, with no reason. I suppose she did have a reason after Sirius and I had our little… thing… in the broom closet in second year, but still. What did a small little second year do to cause such treatment?

And it was terrible. She was a Slytherin prefect, and found every opportunity to take points away for the silliest things- like writing in books, or running in the hallway. After I won my first Quidditch match, she cornered me with a bunch of other Slytherins- all bigger then me and all more advanced in magic. I barely managed to escape. Actually, I probably would have gotten seriously hurt if the marauders didn't show up… of course, they weren't known as the marauders yet, not back then. Just a group of hysterically amusing, rebellious Gryffindors…

I glanced at Sirius, rebelliously amusing Gryffindor number one. He stood there, rigid and expressionless. His eyes flashed at me pleadingly. I remembered him back then- we were about the same size at the time, so he didn't tower over me. His hair was still short, too short, even for a boy. His gray eyes were the first thing I saw when I opened the formally tightly clutched eyes after the Slytherins scattered, fearing the many witnesses. They were concerned, even worried, and more importantly- _caring._ People think I don't notice those things, but when they're _real_, real and meaningful… don't even get me started.

And now, those same eyes were… terrified. Why? What would make Sirius Black scared?

Hmm. When did I hear that question before?

"What are _you_ doing here?" I demanded between gritted teeth, glaring at my darkly dressed childhood bully. Her thick, long black hair fell over dark garments, hiding the sickly white skin. In one hand, she held my wand, twirling it in her hair. _Her_ wand was raised, but it wasn't facing me. Sirius's wand was facing me. Bellatrix's wand was facing… Sirius.

"Oh, you know," she answered me, laughing. "Just hanging out with my cousin. He can be really quite amusing at times, you know. You just need to know how to deal with him…" She giggled, her eyes wide with sick happiness. I felt my stomach tighten. _How to deal with him…_

"Sirius!" I turned to him, realizing what was going on. He looked at me with alarm, his wand still leveled to my chest. "Can you hear me?"

I've never been by a person under the imperious curse. I've heard stories about it, sure… there are plenty of those floating around nowadays… but this was the first time I got to actually talk to someone under the unforgivable. I was _so_ excited…

"Of course not, you silly girl!" Bellatrix squealed with joy. "He's under _my _control… he doesn't know what's going on- he's not even aware of the time passing." She stretched her neck, looking at my face. "He's fighting it right now, you know," she said, seeing the panic in my face. "But the longer you're under…" her eyes flashed happily, and she giggled with enthusiasm. In midst of my growing hysteria, I imagined a 'I can't wait!' sign glued to her forehead.

"Well, my darling Morla, " she said, stepping closer to us. Sirius shifted, letting her come between him and me. "Siri and I were just living… things to do, muggles to kill… " She grinned. "I didn't imagine _you'd _be our first target, though… and I always wanted to kill you myself, but… oh well. Siri needs the practice, after all…" Bellatrix turned to Sirius her eyebrows raised. "Well, Siri? Are you gonna just stand there?" I saw her face shift from an innocent, childishness to a hungry predator. "Get her!"

Apparition isn't my strong side. I rather ride a broom, or even Floo, or port keys. But when the very boy you might possible have a romantic future with is holding a wand to your chest, with deadly words already lining his lips, you tend to do things you don't like.

**_it's short, but it's better then nothing... _**

**_Reviews:_**

_Ocean of Dreams-thankyou! I didn't really see that like that, but I guess it works great! actually Sirius was terrified cause he knew Aly was a mugglebor, And that Belltrix hadn't put him under imperious for nothing..._

_HarryPotter149- thanks!_

_Nyxelestia- he was put under imperious. remember? I think I wrote that last chapter... or the chapter before... God, this is taking a long time. ;-) about the first person thing- I have no choice! I have a journal, a dairy, two recorders, and that fantasy thing- there's nothing else to try!!_

_the geek over there- hate school. grr. thanks, I'm really happy you liked it- I think next chapter will be a serious turning point, so... !!_

_zEthHPfrEaK- the next few chapters are ALL gonna be cliffhangers. I am strtching my story's climax as far as it can go..._

_Baby seal- definetly evil- and she's ust starting out as a death eater. I always hated her._

_IluvSEVERUS- you're right about some things, wrong about others... please remember- we are talking about the wizarding world! v irtualy anything's posisble...:-)_

_-EHWIES- thanks! where do you **live**? where I live, socail hour is lunch, and then we all go our different ways and don't talk again until lunch the next day. there IS no social life in Florida._

_Lauralanthalassa-jess... God, I actually forgot about her. she's not that big a point again until after christmas- the point of that last entry was to show how she's now kind of stuck, unaware of what's going on. she has no contact with the wizarding world at all- so she won't be able to talk to anyone or realize what's up until after vacation. She will miss A LOT, let me tell you..._

_xoxPotter'sGirlxox- I would like to point out that in no point in HP was it clearly stated that Peter wasn't a werewolf. just saying. plus- we're talkign abotu the wizarding wrold, you know? just about anything is possible- dont' take anything for granted!_

**_that's it! you guys have some great points, but please remember that we are talking about a world of magic! everything's possible! I can give this awesome clue right now, but it'll ruin everything, so I won't. But- come on! we have some of the most gifted wixards and witches in this story! there's, like, nothing they can't do!!_**


	38. Chapter 38

**Sirius Black: **

One second she was there, and then she was gone.

Sirius blinked mentally, unable to physically do so. For the who-knows-what-time, he marveled at her magical capacity.

As he stared at the spot that she formally occupied, Bellatrix shook her head angrily.

"Really, Sirius. You could have caught her."

With unreasonably radical movements she stepped forward, raising her wand arm. Sirius watched silently as she waved it around, twirling it ungracefully as she searched for traces of Aly's magic, clues as to where she had gone.

Where _would_ she have gone? Sirius wondered. Not home, that's certain. Wouldn't have put anyone she loved in danger. The ministry? Not someone who's captain in the TWH. They were set against around eighty three percent of all ministry regulations… Diagon Alley was full of innocent people standing around idly. Morla would never lead a death eater to them…

She went to Hogwarts, of course. Where Dumbledore was, and all the other Professors- people Aly valued more then anyone. And Evans, to back her up. They were like the girl marauders, those two with… rules… and studying in mind.

Ok. Very un-marauder-ish, if you exclude Remus…

_I'm making sarcastic comments,_ Sirius thought, half disgusted, half amused. _I am making sarcastic comments in my head when Aly is running for her life._

_I am making… _I _am making sarcastic comments in my head!! _

His head jerked up with the realization. _Jerked up- as in, I can move it! Bellatrix is so busy with the tracing… her magic is preoccupied… I'm… _

_Free…!_

Sirius bit his lip, not daring to move. He couldn't let her know. If she didn't realize…. But of course she will. It was only a matter of time until she figured out where Morla was, and focused back on him. Realize the imperious had worn off.

And re-enforced it.

He could try to run. But Bella would just chase after Aly… he could fight her, but she had two wands, plus way more experience. Element of surprise or not, she had the upper hand. He really needs to study more fighting techniques. He could just… stay. Maybe- maybe not attack her, or maybe…

He felt a surge of adrenaline, forcing his face not to show victory. Bella's back faced him, as she sighed with frustration, her wand webbing shadowy black lines through the air.

Sirius leaned forward. Only a few meters away… he stepped toward her silently, keeping his weight steady, his step level. There was only one chance… if she noticed him before he could…

She turned around, her mouth open in a tight scowl, about to say something. Her eyes widened in surprise as Sirius jumped at her, fighting to catch her unprepared hands. In a second he had her wand in his grasp, fighting her for it. In another, Sirius was pinned to the wall by a powerful curse from another wand- Aly's wand- steady in the gasping Bellatrix's hand.

Bella cursed under her breath, raising her own wand to eye level. It was broken, an uneven, incomplete cut in the very middle. The upper half dangled by loss strands of wood, draped pathetically.

Sirius grinned. Bella threw the wand to the floor, raising Aly's in front of him.

"Don't you smirk at me, you wretched blood traitor! " she called angrily. "I can still… you are still under my control! Imperio!"

She nodded in satisfaction, whispering some instructions in his mind. Sirius felt himself bend down to his knees, and edge closer to her. He was… bowing, his head almost- actually- touching the ground.

This is what made her feel better. Him bowing like a slave.

And they say I'm crazy, He thought, raising and touching the port key she just created out of a stone on the floor.

"Off to Hogwarts, coz," she smiled.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

I reappeared in the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

It was dark. The sun had set moments before, and the sky would have been a marvelous, striking mix of colors, was it not completely hidden by the tall, dark trees of the forbidden forest. The woods were silent around me, tall and threatening. I had apparated- of course- to the nearest area of Hogwarts I could think of. Hogsmeade was a fair running distant away, and by then it would be too late. The forest had more hiding spots. It was secluded from any civilization. It would be easy to get lost here… or lose your pray.

Pray. I was her prey, that… she was haunting me. Actually haunting me! Muggle born and muggles were nothing but… _prey_ for her!!

How messed up is that?

I looked around systematically, searching for something familiar. I had to get to Dumbledore. I had to warn him. I had to get a wand, and I had to get her away from Sirius long enough for the spell to wear off. I had to not die. I had to do a hell lot of things.

The moon was already visible in the distant. It was full today. How ironic. First stars sparkled across the clear sky, coming in and out of visibility as the light shifted from the disappearing sun.

Where would I go? Which way was the castle? God, I hate apparating! I didn't even have a wand to point me… I looked down at my cloths, searching for pockets with surprises in them. Had I brought… anything useful? At all? How stupid can you get?!!!

Well, standing out in the open like that, was probably the worst thing I could do. I hurried off to hide behind some trees, petting my body, still searching. Meanwhile I scanned the area. Maybe something here could help. Some brunch. Maybe I could hit her hard enough or something.

Ha.

I closed my eyes, a fruitless attempt to relax. Wait, I take that back. I was actually sort of clear-headed. My thoughts weren't clouded by panic or hysteria, or fear or something equally as pathetic. But I was racking my brain so hard it actually hurt. I felt like my brow would become permanently creased, I was frowning so hard. My lips stung where I was biting them, my fingers almost numb from all the pulling and rubbing I was doing to them, trying to contain my anxiety. What was I suppose to _do? _

Sirius Black used to be my best friend. Then he was sort of half my boyfriend. Then we weren't talking, and then we were enemies. It progressed to almost friendly banter and teasing in the last few months, and now he was my co-captain, my friend, and he kissed me.

And I wanted him to do it plenty more times.

But now he was… I don't even know what to call it. Foe? Fellow wizard in trouble? He had a wand, and I didn't, and he had every reason in the world to be mad at me, _and _he was under a powerful spell putting him under the control of a Death Eater, a maniac, the most evil of all evil witches. Bellatrix Black.

Excuse me for being stumped.

All this thinking was pointless. I wasn't even concentrating. I had to figure out where Hogwarts was and-

The sounds of feet crouching the dry leaves drifted my way from the small, treeless area behind the tree by which I was hiding. Bellatrix's high voice rose, annoyed and irritated. They were looking for me.

My heart pounded in my chest. I was hiding behind a bloody _tree._ Wandless. Helpless. Lost.

That is what thinking things through does, Ms. Coral. _That _is why I've been telling you for years that instinct overrules thinking any time!!

"Morla!" I heard Bellatrix singsong far to my right. I closed my eyes. Instinct. Right. Instinct.

…

Where's my instinct?!

Someone was shuffling loudly on my other side. I didn't dare turn around. Pressing my back to the trunk, clutching the wood for all I was worth, I forced myself to breath. This has never happened to me before. I've never been so scared in my life.

I've never been scared in my life, period.

There was a small gasp. I turned around, and there he was- Sirius Black, with all his might and glory. My mind started functioning again. I could think.

I didn't realize I even knew so many curse words.

He didn't move. I stared at him like a petrified little girl, gripping the tree like I was. My knees were shaking so bad I didn't trust myself to stand, leaning back on the trunk for dear life. I felt my eyes grow big and begging. Me, begging. Me begging Black.

"Morla!" Bellatrix yelled, coming closer.

I closed my eyes again, breathing heavily. And silently. Somehow. A small noised from Sirius made my jump and glare at him with what dignity I had left.

Yeah. Not much of a glare.

His eyed were wide beyond a stone like face. Emotionless and cold. It felt like… like he wasn't even there.

Memories of third year spilled over the terror binding my entire body. After my parents left… I didn't want to think about them. Or anything. So I just… didn't think. Or feel. I was just there, living a sort of half-life by myself. Even at Hogwarts, back with my friends- always detached, guarded, alone. Never really there.

Had my face been set in stone all this time? Was my body so rigid I seemed like a walking statue?

No wonder no boy stayed around…

The mistimed apprehension brought my blood gashing back to my head. I was back. And Sirius was standing before me, unmoving, his eyes telling me a world of advise.

_Run._

I did.

**Sirius Black:**

"There you are!" Bella said gleefully, turning toward Aly. Aly's wand was held lightly in her hand as she raised it, a curse already at her lips. Sirius tried to move and block it, but of course he couldn't. The invisible, twisted, cruel web of his cousin's sick spell tied him down, stronger then they ever were before. Bella wasn't stupid. She learned form past mistakes.

Unlike some people. He had done it second year, destroying a perfectly good friendship that could have turned into… more, once they were both ready. And now he did it again. What good was kissing, if the very next thing is a slap?

_What a great time to think about this,_ he thought, feeling like slapping himself. Bloody short attention span.

Aly was running, keeping low between the many trees. _Get her,_ Bella whispered in his mind. Sirius let his legs flex and stretch in a steady sprint after her. He tried positioning his wand hand in the way of as many trees and bushes as he possibly could.

Far in the distance, the soft glow of firelight glittered in the darkness. The castle was close- it had to be. Maybe Aly would make it to Dumbledore. Maybe he won't have to hurt her.

_Faster!_ Bella screeched. She was running behind them, trying to catch up. Sirius felt the wind whip past his face forcefully, the small branches stinging at his skin. The distance between him and Aly was getting smaller, but she was almost out of the forest, almost…

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

She came hurling out of the forest, her hair full of twigs and leaves, sprinting quickly toward the castle. I've never seen Aly so petrified before- yet so determined. What was going on?

I called to her, and she must have seen me, since she changed her course toward me, and started yelling something about Blacks and Imperius. I frowned at her with confusion. "What?"

"DEATH EATERS!!!" she screamed, finally reaching me, but never stopping her mad sprint. She grabbed my hand, pulling me after her. I stumbled into a run, annoyed at how incredibly out of shape I was.

Yeah. I was thinking of _that_ at the time.

I looked back, and there he was- Sirius Black. He looked… frightening, to say the least, with his wand out before him, running after us in long dark robes. Behind him was someone else… Bellatrix Black. She was grinning happily.

"He's under the Imperius," Aly hissed at me, too out of breath to talk normally. "She's making him… haunt… muggles! Like a bloody… death eater!!!" She seemed furious.

She should be.

It suddenly dawned at me just how stupid I was. How irresponsible and… a danger to society. Sirius Black was now forced into his greatest fear by his own cousin. He was being forced into darkness, to kill and hurt people he has no problem with. Black wasn't scared of the dark, he was scared of _becoming_ dark!

Shit.

I looked back at the running cousins with alarm. They were gaining on us, but Bellatrix was getting restless. I saw her squinting at Sirius, who was still dashing toward us with that unnatural, hard expression set on his face. She must have given him some new instructions, since the next thing we knew, both Aly and I were screaming, ducking out the way of some bright jets of light.

I stumbled with my own incredibly long robes, but Aly pulled me up. Behind us Black was yelling all sort of curses I never even heard of, and some I had but never dreamed to use. He was amazing, accurate and powerful. I wasn't the only one to notice; Bellatrix was giggling and squealing in delight, far off in the distance. Aly, too, seemed impressed- only not in the: Damn-he's-so-good-we're-gonna-die sort of way. As we were pushed forward, almost falling from a magical burst of wind coming from behind, Aly looked back. She almost fell, not looking where she was going, but when she turned back- she was blushing.

Aly. Blushing.

I didn't have long to ponder that. Sirius was a better athlete then both of us, even Aly, who's the most athletic girl I know. It was a few more seconds before he was in line with us, passing us swiftly. The grounds were too big… Aly gave me a look, mouthing words I didn't understand. I nodded anyway; counting on my self to realize what her plan was once it's started.

Bad idea, obviously. Just as Sirius started to turn, to block our way, Aly stopped. I was caught off guard and kept going, only figuring it out when it was too late. I was sprinting full speed toward our chaser, my wand tacked safely in an inner pocket of my robe.

I'm just so smart sometimes.

I was ready to face him, but Sirius didn't even glance at me. I mean, he did glance at me, but he didn't stop- just kept running after Aly, who was now rushing in the opposite direction. I stopped, lost balance, fell. I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, but I was actually annoyed for a second that he didn't chase me.

I mean- what? Am I not good enough?

Of course, he must have been following Bellatrix's orders still. Get Aly. I was just along for the ride.

Then way was I running, anyway?

The answer came quickly and quietly. I never even saw her coming- but I surely felt it. A yelp of pain escaped my lips as a red surge of light cut through the front side of my robes, creating a sharp, deep cut across my chest. As blood came gashing out I looked around, seeing Bellatrix running toward me, Aly's wand held high in front of her.

Oh, yeah. Her.

I jumped up, gasping at the cutting pain. (Get it? Cutting. Ha. Unbelievable that that's what you think about when you run for your life.) I forced myself to run- I had to get Dumbledore; Aly was off course, speeding off toward Hagrid's cabin, and we had to get some help. We couldn't run forever. I patted around my ripped robe, finding my wand. Where was my head today?

I imagine that if Bellatrix had her own wand, I would have been dead, tortured, or captured within seconds. I was a very easy target, slow and awkward. _Note to self: must start exercising. _

I was lucky, though. Bellatrix was far away still, and most of all of her curses fell a bit short of me. A few actually hit- I stumbled and fell more then once. And she was gaining on me. The spells came at a quicker rate the closer we got to the school, and they were more well aimed- I was running out of air, out of space, out of time. I wasn't going to reach the castle. Time to do something I was actually- usually- good at. Think up a solution.

I couldn't reach Dumbledore by running. Or apparating. A port key could work, but leaning down and reaching for something to use was too risky. I could Accio it, but it will take forever to get here- plus, Bellatrix would see it and know what I'm up to.

Every spell I tried would be noticed. And my only remaining option was magic. What spell couldn't be tempered with, once cast?

Then I remembered that during my research for the worse fear potion I had to read quite a lot about… what else but… Dementors. The potion was based off them, of course. The living masters of fear, and the theorized source of the birth of terror.

And how do you get rid of Dementors? Of fear? The very opposite- a Patronus. A reflection of the caster's deepest self, much like their Animagus form. I've read how to cast a Patronus. You had to think up the happiest memory you could, focus all your attention on it, and say the magic words.

Could I pass a message to the Headmaster with a Patronus? Could I even produce one? It would be a part of my soul; won't it be sort of like a volunteered Legilimency?

Sort of?

I didn't have much other options. If it worked, then we could be saved. If it didn't, well…

"Expecto Patronum!" I yelled, moving my wand in a wide sphere. I was thinking of my mother, tears stinging my eyes as I brought a clear picture of her face in my mind. Smiling, joyful and carefree. This is how I always want to remember her. Not like someone I created a potentially fatal potion over.

Took me long enough to figure that out.

A flash of silver escaped from the tip of my wand, first a hued mist, but then solidifying into… a doe.

A beautiful, hoary doe. Her huge eyes gazed at me calmly as she run- _strolled- _beside me, full of grace and glow. How I conjured her so easily was anyone's guess, but I figure it had something to do with the pounding adrenaline pumping magic levels in my blood. There was a pause at the spells coming from behind me- Bellatrix was lost to what exactly I was trying to do. Excellent. I didn't waste time looking back, but looked at the doe intently.

"Go get Dumbledore," I said, quietly, knowing, somehow, that she'll hear, and understand. "Tell him there are Death Eaters on the grounds. Tell him we need help."

The doe- my inner self- nodded, or I thought she did, and then sped away, fast as lightening and pretty damn similar. A boulder exploded to my right. Bellatrix was back on truck.

There was no need to go get Dumbledore. I wouldn't get to him in time, anyway. And putting all the students in danger wasn't very smart. There was no need for me to keep running.

I didn't hesitate, as to not give my chaser a clue of my plan. I stopped, turn around, and sent a curse back.

Bellatrix was caught off guard. Her legs were pushed back and she fell face down, her hair coming up to cover it. I think that would be my next happy thought for a Patronus.

While she was getting up, I jumped to hide behind some bushes. I had to protect myself until Dumbledore got there…

Bellatrix stood up, humiliated and furious. She looked around, searching for me. I sent another curse at her, which she unfortunately dodged. She raised her wand again, opening her mouth with something that was bound to be terribly painful, but something made her stop at her tracks.

It was a loud scream. Neither Bellatrix nor me dared to move. We glared at each other hatefully. Even one look- one second of not being completely focused and ready- could cost both of us a life. Or at least a lot of injuries.

"No, Sirius, don't!"

It was Aly. Sirius had caught her. She was in trouble. And I was stuck here… with Bellatrix Black…

"You don't wanna do this. You don't have to do this. _Please_…"

I gritted my teeth. Bellatrix grinned at my expression, her eyes flashing as she listened.

Aly screamed again. What was going on there?!! If he was hurting her… I didn't even care if he was bewitched, if he as much as lay a hand at her…

I heard Aly say something, but it was too low to hear. Bellatrix looked at me victoriously.

"_Finish her,_" she said aloud.

**Sirius Black:**

"_Finish her," _Bella said in his mind.

Sirius stood above Aly. The sun has now set, and the moon was rising. Aly was sprawled on the ground at his feet, the lake spread out behind her. The reflections of the stars on the smooth, dark water seemed to jump off it and onto her, flickering brilliantly to her hair, her hands, face. She was so beautiful. The black curls were motionless, surrounding her face, wet with sweat and tears. He had never seen her cry, but she was crying- her light brown eyes gazing up at him pleadingly. She was begging him. He had done… he didn't want to think what he had done. What Bellatrix made him do. No- what _he had done._ He hurt her. He used… the most… ghastly… spell he could have possibly used on the girl he loved. And he did love her. It didn't matter that Bellatrix had him under her command, didn't matter that she was there, even then, whispering in his mind. _He _had done it. _He _had used the Crucio… on Aly- on his friend, his enemy, his love.

Sirius felt tears straining to escape. They couldn't, of course- he couldn't do anything. But he did. He did. He saw her scream under his wand, saw her eyes roll back in agony, her body revolt even after the wand was lifted, shook and painful. The memory will haunt him forever- haunt her forever. If she lived.

Finish her…

"Sirius," Aly whispered. Sirius run his eyes through her body, seeing the ripped cloths from the run through the forest, the blood oozing out, the cuts he had caused. How could she suffer so much and still not hate him? Still look at him with complete trust, complete… faith, and confidence? How could she even look at him? How could she not-

"I know you won't kill me," she said. Sirius wanted to close his eyes- to block the… he didn't want to see this! Didn't want to see the light leave her eyes, the trust turn to horror, terror, blame… didn't want to have to live with this picture, with her falling onto her wet face and her tears running down her cheeks, sitting there under the moon…

"_Kill her!"_ Bellatrix screeched in his head. Sirius felt his blood boil angrily, his heart pound with hate.

He raised his wand.

"Don't you dare!" he heard Evans yelling from far off, by his cousin. Bellatrix laughed shrilly.

"Never knew Sirius Black to give in," Aly half smiled, wincing slightly. "Never saw you as a quitter, Black…"

Sirius gazed at her longingly. He didn't want to do this. He didn't have a choice. But maybe if he just didn't… he didn't have a _choice!_

"You have a choice," Aly whispered, gazing into his eyes, her tears reflecting the castle's light.

Sirius closed his eyes.


	39. Chapter 39

**_Oh how far we've come! Do you guys remember when I had to beg you to NOT hate Aly? Now, I bet, she's everyone's favorite character… well, in this fic. And I get Lily haters now, too. Don't hate Lily! She _just_ lost her mom!!_**

**From Lily Evans' Record of Past Events:**

I felt cold sweat tickle down my face.

Bellatrix was biting her lip, glaring at me hatefully. I returned an equally loathing stare. With my heart pumping in my chest I strained to hear anything from the lake- anything to signify that Aly was still there, still breathing, still ok…

What was one glance? Death, possibly. Bellatrix was waiting specifically for that- for me to glimpse at my best friend to see if I still had one. One moment of my focus being the least bit _not_ complete and I was dead. Or maybe under the Imperious, Crucio, or just seriously, seriously hurt…

Or, as a pertinent alternative, she could simply turn around and shot an Avada Kedavra at Aly.

I licked my lips, feeling a horrible sting at my unblinking eyes. My wand was held before me, clutched between white fingers that were probably holding on too hard, for too long. The unused muscles screamed in pain. A small pain here, a small pain there- my knees bled silently along with various cuts and bruises from the recent, frequent falls. They weren't extreme in any way, but they were the only things I had available to concentrate on. Them and Bellatrix's face, and the overbearing stillness from the lake.

My skin burned with agony.

And then suddenly, Bellatrix was the one making loud, sharp noises.

I didn't even pause to look at her gasping figure, crouched down over a wounded hand. I didn't care what happened- the fact that it did was enough. I jumped up, turning toward the lake. Aly had to be ok. She had to.

She wasn't.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

I looked up at Sirius, tears stinging my eyes.

He was the only person in the last five years to have seen me cry.

I knew what Bellatrix was trying to make him do. I could see the spell playing around in his mind, somewhere beyond those pained gray eyes. I knew what it was costing him to not do it- to delay the indivertible. Part of me- a pretty big part-screamed to let him do it, let him finish it so his sorrow would end, so my guilt would shut up already.

Cause of course, this was my entire fault.

I heard Lily crying my name from where she was trapped by Bellatrix. Her voice was sharp, panicked and frightened. She was my friend, but right now- I hated her.

_Greatest Fears._

Greatest fears. Darkness. I will KILL HER.

But of course, I went right along with her. What ever she did to make them come true- Sirius's greatest fear, and probably the other marauders, too- whatever she did, I helped her. I did. And I knew all about it, it was so damn obvious that I must have known about it at some level of my subconscious- and I _did it anyway._ Lily had an excuse- as much an excuse as anyone would have for doing something so… downright evil, actually. Her mum died, she was confused, bla bla- I had no reason. No excuse. I just didn't like this person, so I helped bring his worst nightmare to life.

If it weren't for those bloody survival instincts I had to be born with, I would have started yelling at him _Do it!_ a long time ago.

But I'm human. A mammal. Darn instincts are always there.

Instead I stared up at his hot, sexy face, marveling at the incredible attraction I've been feeling for him for all these years and that I had somehow managed to never noticed. Why did it take me so long to figure it out? Why am I so completely stupid?

How long did we have to NOT hate each other? What was it, six, seven hours? And he spent the majority of them thinking I loath the ground he steps on. And now he stood before me, wand raised, those fatal words hanging between us like a leveled ax. If he could only hold on for a while longer- a few more minutes, seconds, moments… to just let me gaze at his face, consume every twitching muscle, every bead of sweat before it was all gone, all ended, all…

And maybe Lily would find a way to get Dumbledore by then. Maybe Dumbledore would come and save as all.

I felt aggressive sobs shake my body. The tears flooded my face like lava escaping a formally sleeping volcano. They've been waiting so long to erupt. So long. I've been holding it all in, for months- years- decades. Every minute brought relief, gratitude, and unreasonable happiness. All centered around Sirius. Sirius Black.

I forced myself to stop shaking, held my breath until the sobs quieted down. Sirius had enough to deal without me going all girly and hysteric on him. I looked up, stright at his eyes, letting him see into me- the real me- the one that's been hiding behind anger and sarcasm for almost half a decade. His gray eyes widened under mine, his formally tense, rigid face relaxing into something else, something softer, more… real. As the spell fighting to overcome his body was defied by his rebellious, courageous will, Sirius Black stared back at me, sharing one last moment of… everything.

"I love you," I whispered, finally realizing that this was true. The tears still traced lines along my filthy cheeks, burning webs of emotion across my always stony features. The curse was all but gone- disintegrated for this one moment, one second of truth, compassion, and love.

And suddenly, I knew it. He wouldn't do it. he would never hurt me, never dream of hurting me… He, more then anybody- _out_ of everybody- him I trust. He will overcome the curse. He is more powerful then any curse, this thing we now have- whatever it may be- it's more powerful then the whole world.

Bellatrix screamed, brining us back to the real world. Sirius's expression returned to the old stoniness, his wand speeding into position.

I shut my eyes, and then opened them.

The unlikely word _love_ echoed in my subconscious.

**Sirius Black:**

Aly whispered something, but Sirius couldn't hear her. He didn't WANT to hear her. Because the only thing that would make sense for her to say was… well, something he probably deserved at this very moment.

This moment, and every moment for the rest of their lives.

If she lived.

_KILL HER!_ Bellatrix screamed in his ear, her voice (or whatever it was commanding him) panicked, frightened, and hysteric. Something was going on. Maybe if he just held on a bit-

No. There was no way. The spell was too strong. He was too weak. And he couldn't hold on anymore.

He couldn't hold on anymore.

Couldn't… hold… _on…!_

**Sirius Black:**

_I can't. Cant'. Can't do it._

**_Kill the mud blood…_**

_No. I won't. I will never kill her. Never kill anyone. I refuse to. I refuse to be… a Black. I will NOT!_

**_NOW… Before it's too late…_**

_I won't be able to live with myself afterwards. But that doesn't matter. I can't kill her. Can't kill… Alyson Morla. Can't live in a world without her… her short black hair, her sarcastic teasing, her beautiful, light cinnamon eyes… They would have to execute me. A Dementor kiss- not just throw me in prison. They'd have to put me under an endless Crucio that would go on for all of eternity, until the day I died. Both of these. Times three. _

**_Quick! Do it now!_**

_No! I won't!_

**_Do it!_**

_Ah! Stop it, stop…_

**_Sirius! _**

_I won't… stop, please stop…_

**_What are you waiting for?!!_**

_Let me go… you're… killing… ahhh…._

**_Sirius, they'll kill us both!_**

_Let… go…_

**_DO IT!_**

"Avada Kedavra!"

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **

My heart stopped.

Suddenly, the stretching grounds fell so silent I thought I'd gone deaf. Sirius was knee deep in the overgrown grass, actual tears swamping his tortured face as he stared down at two shaking hands, hardly able to hold himself up. Long mops of uncut, coal black hair hang, feeble and limp, hiding away his contorted expression as his whole body shook with uncontrollable sobs of pain, shock, and terror.

Behind me, a great wave of water splashed down like icy hail, pouring over me in a shower of snowy frost. A long streak of burned black earth was scorched a few inches from my left leg, still sizzling from the green light that had just passed through it and into the great lake beyond.

I edged closer to him, touching his shaking arms gently.

"I'm sorry," Sirius gasped, looking at me, his face distorted with self-loathing. "I… the Crucio… and she…"

I shushed him by placing both arms around his quivering shoulders. He shut up, trying to breath again. My own heart was beating as if I just landed from a seriously steep dive- without a broomstick. Sirius smelt my hair, run his hands through the long, wet curls. He was making sure I was there. He was making sure I was there, moving, breathing, alive.

And then he kissed me.

And I didn't pull away.

_**I REALLY wanted to stop with the killing curse. I was ready to do it. I really was. But then I thought- well, enough cliffhangers for one lifetime…**_

**_Until next chapter, of course. _**

**_NOTE: I've created a poll! about Awake! please, vote:-P_**

**_I've decided to only answer reviews that had questions in them. But I do read all of them. And they make me giggle with pride. you guys are so supportive:-) _**

**_unfortuantly, know one asked any real questions this time... you usually have amazing ones that make ME wonder what I've been thinking. But I just read the reviews over, and they made me laugh- AGAIN!! I love you people!!!!_**

**_-Autumn_**


	40. Chapter 40

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Event: **

At first, Aly seemed to be dead. She lay motionless in Black's arms, her head cuddled under his chin. My heart almost stopped. If Aly died, it would be my fault. _My_ fault, with that bloody potion…!

But as I was sprinting closer, I saw that she wasn't dead. She was… kissing… him. Sirius Black. They were kissing.

…Shock. Silence.

I know!

I could have killed her myself. _I'm_ panicking under the wand of a maniac, and _she_'s kissing Sirius Black.

I stood there, gaping madly, as the two of them where doing… that. Bellatrix was screaming protests behind me, but I was too damn horrified, confused and stunned to turn and see what- who- saved as all.

Well, saved me. Aly obviously didn't really need saving.

"Well, this is certainly nothing like what I expected, " a jolly voice mused besides me. I jumped a foot high, looking at Headmaster Dumbledore with a pounding heart. He gazed back at me, calm and amused, a sizzling twinkle dancing in his azure blue eyes.

"Professor Dumbledore," I said sheepishly, whishing the lovers at our feet realized we were there. Dumbledore chuckled.

"An ingenious way of communication, Ms. Evans," He said, returning his intense stare to Aly and Sirius. "A Patronus. I would have never thought…-" he trailed off, caught in thought. "It is curious, however, how exactly Bellatrix Black found her way into the grounds…" He eyed me with interest; his eyebrows raised ever the slightest.

He certainly gets to the point quickly.

"I, err, I'm not too sure," I admitted with embarrassment. "I was just walking around-"

"On your Head rounds, I'm sure. Not outside after curfew, of course."

"Right," I blushed profoundly. "I apologize, sir." He smiled at me fatherly. "I was… sitting over there… and then Aly came running out of the forest and screamed at me to run away, so I, well, I run towards her-"

"After she told you to run away."

"Err, yes."

"I see."

I don't usually have this much trouble talking to Professors. But Aly was eating at Black's face, and the realization that Peter Pettigrew was now probably faced with a wolf turned Remus Lupin, and all that, kind of had me gasping for breath.

"Well, Black- Sirius Black, that is- he came chasing out after her. And then Bellatrix came out after _him_ and started running after me, and I guess… Aly said she had him under an imperious, she had Sirius under the imperious I mean, and she told him to attack Aly so he tracked after _her_…" I blinked, feeling light headed. The adrenaline in my blood was just starting to thin, my heart straining to slow. Dumbledore nodded with an unlikely understanding.

"Are you hurt, any of you?" he asked, more seriously now, as Sirius and Aly separated, looking at each other with a sort of wonder I've never seen on my best friend's face.

"I'm fine," I said honestly, though blood oozed out of some deep cuts all over my body. "I can fix myself up in no time. But Aly-"

"I had heard the Crucio," he said sadly. I looked at him with surprise, seeing the twinkle in his eyes skip a beat. "I will get her to Madam Pomfrey momentarily."

I didn't say anything, letting some relaxation wash over me. It was over. Thank Merlin. Maybe Sirius would know where Remus was, and then…

That wasn't really it.

**Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

In what seemed like seconds, and eternity at the same time, the kiss was over. I found myself gaping into the shaded gray eyes of Sirius Black, wonder and awe trapping my mind in a fog of pink cloudiness. (Can't believe I just wrote that.) Sirius looked into my eyes, intently, adoringly. My arms were still drooped around his brawny shoulders, my waist utterly content between his hands. And then; the strangest thing. My lips stretched- by themselves, I swear- into a happy go lucky sort of smile that I _couldn't _contain.

Me. Happy go lucky.

Ugh.

Then suddenly, the familiar, humored chuckle making its way out was violently turned into a horrified gasp. His eyes widened with horror, linking furiously as he backed away from me, his arms moving so support his jerked body from behind. I jumped bacl as well, surprised and slightly hysteric (hysteric!!!!), worried that… I don't know, something terrible had happened.

Turned out it has.

"James, he called me right before… and he's…" Sirius looked around in panic, the magic between us all but gone as eyes fell on Dumbledore. He forced himself up, trembling from the lingering pain of the curse along with newfound terror. He grabbed the Professors robes in a way that made Lily shriek with protest, ogling him madly. "I have to get there! He's locked in there with his-" at this he gasped again, turning and limping toward the castle.

"Sirius, what are you-"

"Aly, are you ok?" I gawked at Lily with incredulousness.

"Sirius!"

Dumbledore was quicker then I. He was somehow already by the staggering Sirius, concern lining his aged face. "Mr. Black, you are in now shape-"

"I have to get to James!" Sirius practically screamed at him, wobbling on. He was gasping, not too stable on his shaken feet. I rushed toward him, Lily hurrying right behind.

"Stop," I commanded, grabbing both his hands with my own trembling arms. The effects of the Crucios he was forced to use on me remained as my skin burned with every movement. "Don't make me pull my wand on you," I threatened, raising my eyebrows warningly as I pointed to the screaming Bella, trapped by thick ropes with my wand a few feet away. Sirius gave me an angry look, but stopped, eyeing his own wand as a way of not looking at me.

"What is wrong with Mr. Potter? " Dumbledore asked. "I'm sure he can take care of himself… he's a rather good wizard, and his stepfather should be home, He's no helpless…"

Lily gasped.

**From Lily Evans's Record of Past Events:**

"And if I understand correctly, Mr. Black, you just threw off one of the most dangerous enchantments in use today," Dumbledore said gently. "I think it would be best if you-"

"But I have to help him! His step- he needs my help! He could get hurt, he's probably already hurt-"

Dumbledore fell silent, as I racked my brain to see if there was anything there to rack. So damn daft, and… because James _was_ helpless, he had to be, because he was the main bloody target of the potion. And he had told me that his greatest fear was being helpless. So he was helpless, and Sirius- well, he seemed to believe that he was in some sort of danger, some sort of terrible danger- and now he would be helpless against it, in whatever way the potion would choose.

Crap.

"I'll go," I said, maybe too loudly. "I'll go see Potter, and, uh, you just- go see Madam Pomfrey. Ok?"

Sirius stared at me blankly, while Dumbledore's face broke into a frown. "All right, then, Ms. Evans," he said, eyeing me curiously. "You'll go to check on Mr. Potter. Ms. Morla, Mr. Black…" He cautioned them forward, waving his wand gently in the direction of the castle. A silver creature escaped, it's flapping wings leaving trails of ghostly clouds in the still air. "Inform Madam Pomfrey of our arrival," Dumbledore told the Patronus. The phoenix released a single, beautiful note before flying away.

Dumbledore turned to me. "Ingenious," he remarked, smiling fatherly.

And they were gone, slowly walking toward the grand castle doors. And I was left alone, standing in the darkness, starting to feel the chill of the evening.

Crap.

I turned around, looking at my surrounding. The lake was a frozen block of ice under a pitch-black sky, dotted randomly by bright stars winking down vibrantly. The crack where Sirius managed to point the Avada Kedavra was evident on the frost, scattering big chunks of frozen water to float in the reemerged lake and glisten all over the tall wet grass. The forest stood forbiddingly beyond it, as dark and treacherous as ever with a crowd of angry storm clouds predicting world's doom impending the horizon.

Saving Potter, then.

I've not forgotten about Peter, and Remus, of course. I figured that Sirius was bound to know about it and warn Dumbledore or something. Potter had actually called Sirius for help- his was in sure trouble, while Peter was just a hunch I was very worried about.

Plus, well, _Potter._

I glanced once more around at the silent castle, at the grounds, at the forest.

So, _so_ stupid.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

"I don't know what to talk to her about,"

"_You just…" Sirius looked at his best friend calculatedly. "I don't know. Quidditch, and… um."_

_Remus rolled his eyes, breaking into the conversation. "Ask her about herself. About her family. Did you know she's muggleborns?"_

"_No," James sighed, rubbing his forehead with frustration. He took off his glasses, looking at his three friends helplessly. "I don't know _anything!"

_Sirius stroked his chin thoughtfully, gazing off into the starry sky. The four were sitting on the roof of the Gryffindor tower, huddled together against the chilly air, their brooms laying silently a distant away. Far below them, sitting by the lake, was tonight's discussion target- Lily Evans, her vibrant red hair evident to a background of green grass and treetops._

_"I still think you should talk about Quidditch," Sirius concluded, giving James a meaningful look. "Let her know what you're good at."_

"_You don't wanna sound cocky," argued Remus, frowning at Sirius. "Girls like it when you're interested in them."_

"_Maybe try falling in love with someone else," Peter offered, his squeaky voice barely edible over the wind. He blinked with embarrassment, unhappy with where the conversation had gone. "Someone less…"_

"_Perfect," James finished miserably. "I could never compete with her. She would never even _look _at me…"_

"_Don't be ridicules!"_

"_That's… not what I meant…"_

"_That's why I said- you should highlight your advantages!" Sirius exclaimed, his eyes wide with enthusiasm. "Talk about our pranks, maybe, your grade in Transfiguration- she's bound to be impressed by that-"_

"_Do NOT talk about your grades, " Remus warned, slapping Sirius on the head. "Do. Not."_

"_Tell her how you went into the Forbidden Forest last week," Peter peeped, shuddering slightly. "That was scary…"_

"_NO! Lily likes following the rules. Forget pranks, and Slytherin fights…"_

"_Tell her how you hanged Snape's underwear from the Astronomy tower!" _

"_No! Trust me, I've-"_

"_Shut up, Moony, talk to him when you get a girlfriend-"_

"_Fourth years don't even need girlfriends, Sirius, we should be focusing on the-"_

"_OWLs, Shmaowls. It's just a test, Moony."_

"_Don't listen to him, Prongs. You need to talk to her about _her. _She's the important one, anyway. "_

"_That's nice, Moony. You get a ten on the supporting of self esteem."_

"_That's not what I meant. Of course you're just as important, Prongs, it's just that she's-"_

_James let himself fall back, resting his head on the cold roof tiles. _

**_I am updating on a Sunday. Be grateful._**

**_Anwers to good questions:_**

**_Sirius did purposly aim wrong when he didn't kill Aly. He was going for 'not shooting the curse at all' but that didn't really work out with the imperious and everything. It took most all of his will power to push the ray of fatal green light even an inch off the course Bellatrix comanded him to aim it. fortunatly, Sirius has a will of iron..._**

**_there will be a lot more of everyone else, inclusing James and Lily and Remus, and even Peter. I haven't forgot anyone, I swear. i just need to get in the right mind to writing James and then... well, you'll see. _**

**_when will James and Jessica break up. hmm. good question. lol just kidding- I know exactly when, and how, and why. so don't worry about it!_**

**_Thank you everyone who voted, you're so great!!! (all eight of you!) right now there is a tie between Sirius/Aly fans and James/Lily fans... and the plot still thickens..._**

**_if anyone has any ideas for polls, or other things, tell me! I'm interested!!_**


	41. Chapter 41

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

It was a flawless apparation from Hogsmeade Village. I appeared right by the tall, slim gates of the Potter Manor to find it dark and forbidding. I've read of the house and its countless generation of Potter inhabitants- enough to know that the place was always groomed, always welcoming. But here the walls themselves glared at me loathingly, the tall, disheveled trees loamed over me with hate. A small, overgrown path led through the mess of autumn's fallen leaves, various shrubs, and unwelcome grass that someone must have once kept away.

I made my way toward the door, walking in a brisk pace so to not stare at anything too long. Or perhaps it was the adrenaline pumping violently in my veins. What will I find inside? The potion had worked on Black; doubtless it would work on Pettigrew, and now that I thought of it- Remus, too, if he ended up biting one of his best friends. Would that not make him a monster?

So what about Potter? What would this evil potion do to him? How would it make his greatest fear come alive- in proportions that are simply… absurd?

I kept my gaze fixed on the ancient oak door. This was… not a smart idea. Ahem. It took three and a half overassertive steps before I tripped over a loose rock… and found myself face down on the shaggy, un-cleared ground.

I'm not one of those people who are disgusted by some leaves, and dirt, and… dead bugs. I really quiet like getting down and dirty every once in a while. To an extent. But when I fell… it was like a lightening strike searing through me from underground. It was an electrifying jolt, which had me springing right up to my feet with explosive terror. The hair at the back of my neck stood on edge, my eyes widened, and my heart began beating so loudly it was like a group of rock band drummers decided to play a concert in my head. I felt as if evolution changed its course and I was back in the wilderness, seething against a new, unknown enemy.

Great way to feel as you walk toward someone's worst nightmare, isn't it?

My hands were clutched to my chest tightly as I moved on forward, a bit slower and with trembling knees. All too soon the deep brown wood of the door blocked my line of vision. I kept my eyes low, fighting to control raging emotions inside me. I hate Potter. _I hate Potter. _And here I was, risking my life to save his.

But it was my fault that his life was at risk in the first place.

But… was that it? Or was there more? What reason did I have to save Potter? This was what I wanted. Revenge. So why was I saving him?

Could it be… I _didn't _hate him?

…

Nah.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

I was hunched over in the third floor corridor, peeking around the corner at the stairs. I had no clue where Laurence was: somewhere in the house, surely, with the curse locking him in here. He could be anywhere- any of the seven bloody floors. But then again… if I couldn't find him, then he definitely couldn't find me.

Ok, not definitely.

Biting my lips with newfound madness, I turned to the other side of the corner. The door to my mum's room- her… grave- was distinctly visible through the dense shadows. It was meters away, and I was going to get there.

Why? You may ask. Great question. I've got no sodden idea. But I was gonna do it, anyway.

Maybe it was the hiding. Staying in one place, alone and grieving, for so long, abandoned with my self-loathing, guilty, haunting thoughts was probably no the most mentally healthy thing to do. A psychopath chasing after me in the beloved house of my childhood didn't add anything positive to the situation, either. I suppose I wanted some company.

The corpse of my dead mother was the only thing available.

Under the circumstances, I like to think I was actually quite… impressive. Raving mad, true, but if I didn't have good reason, then who the bloody hell does?

I crept into the room, swallowing spit that was cold and wet in my parched mouth. I looked back sweepingly. One wrong move could be the death of me.

A wrong move might actually be a good idea.

But no. I had to see her. I owed her that much. How did I not see it? How could I believe that she had… voluntarily married a man that was everything she stood against? Of course he had her under the imperious. Of course he did.

She lay motionless on the brick-like mattress. When my dad died, he looked like he was sleeping. Not mum. She was thin and wrinkly, her skin dry, practically peeling off her manifest bones. She looked so small. Like a rug doll; limp and broken.

I looked her over, memorizing every excruciating detail. The prevailing strikes of gray in her hair. The white, lifeless color of her skin. Her cracked lips, her bulging veins. The way her hands rested on both her sides, still clutching the sheets from that eternal moment of death.

I dared not touch her, even though more then anything I wanted to bury my head in her arms and weep my eyes dry. Only last year she was laughing at my pranks. Now…

Suddenly, noises came from downstairs. I froze. If Laurence was to come up now… but they weren't coming any closer; they were actually moving away…

He was talking to someone.

There was someone else in the house.

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past events:**

I took hold of the gold-crusted doorknocker. It was an open mouthed lion head, with a looping ring extending from both sides of its elaborate mane, like locks of hair that knock on a platform right under its chin. My fingers laced around it as I stared into the marble eyes that seemed to look right at me, striking with unfathomed wisdom. There was nothing about this in that library book…

But should I knock?

If Potter was in trouble, in real trouble, should I make myself apparent to his enemies? Or whatever it was that had him helpless and scared. I hesitated, biting my lips. What a significant question. To knock, or not to knock.

I was just about to make up my mind (cough.) when to most astonishing thing happened:

The lion winked.

I swear. It did. And you'd think that I'd be used to inanimate things moving after six and a half years at Hogwarts, but, honestly. Who would have ever charmed a lion headed doorknocker to _wink_?!

I looked behind me unsurely, before returning a frightened gaze to the… doorknocker. The lion's open mouth stretched in a smile. He winked again.

Ok.

This wasn't that weird.

Well, not yet, anyway. Not until words started curving in the white marble, letter by letter engraved in the solid stone.

'_Welcome.'_

This happened to every new visitor, right?

I grabbed the doorknob, glancing at the word with resolve. It did say welcome. So I could enter. Right?

Only the lion wasn't done. It closed its eyes, and then opened them. The first sign disappeared, to be replace by new engraving:

_Do not close the door._

This could either be a riddle, or a very rude lion.

I opened the door, entering cautiously. The room was dark and shadowy, giving justice to the whole open door thing. I searched the floor for something to block the door's closing with. A heavy book was soon pressed between the wood and wall.

I raised my head to scan the entrance room. It looked nothing like I thought it would. What had happened here? This place was darker then the dungeons…

"Hello?" I whispered to the silence, feeling very stupid. What's the point of saying anything if I'm going to whisper it?

Swallowing hard, I stepped forward, making my way through the grimy wooden boards. Twice I had to stop in a fit of coughs- the place was so filthy, and so… dusty. I grabbed the handle of the once grand double doors, pushing forward with all my might. Cranking loudly, the heavy doors swung open. I drew back timidly, flinching at the noise. Suspiciously I eyed the stairwell before me. There was an obvious smudge marking a clear path through the dirt leading up and down the stairs, mostly moving toward the lit room to the left, that must have been the kitchen. Yet there were other, newer marks surrounding me. Some of then led back to the entrance room. _These must be Potter's,_ I thought, looking on to where they led.

Up the stairs.

I gritted my teeth. Somehow, going up stairs seemed like a really, really bad idea. It would be easy to corner me up there- and I didn't even know what _would_ corner me…

Kitchen it is.

I made a point to walk slowly, silently, toward the lightly lit room. Only Merlin knows what might be there… my back to the wall, I vigilantly looked around the wall.

Seeing there was no one there, I came in. It was surprisingly clean- no dust, anyway. A more thorough scan showed empty bottles of bear scattered all over the floor, great patches of sticky liquid keeping alive full civilizations of cockroaches and a family of mice. Listing all the magical creatures hidden between folds of ripped curtains and untouched silverware would take a few centuries.

I moved forward, examining the room. There were blackened windows behind the once cheerful drapes, dark with dirt and overgrown plants. Another door stood right before me, possibly leading to a pantry. Another door led outside. The kitchen itself was big, with a large table surrounded by four chairs. Apart from that there was another table, a bit taller, where Mrs. Potter must have cooked. I came closer to it, looking over the unorganized plates, knives, and even old, unrecognizable foods. If it weren't for all the dust, it would have seemed like someone was gonna come in any minute and continue cooking the meal they never finished. I paused near an open drawer, filled to the top with every kind of knife, spoon and fork imaginable, measuring kits and other cooking gear. I shifted through them curiously- I've rarely been to a wizarding kitchen- and squealed loudly as a group of black beetles sprinted out of it.

My frightened (and shameful) gaze landed back at the surface. There was a knife set deep in the wood, like an ax. I frowned, placing timid fingers around the handle, and pulling it out.

The knife was large, wide, and sharp and all sides. I bit my lip with thought. There was something dark covering the middle…I touched it experimentally, smelled it carefully. It was dry, smooth; I pushed my finger against it. The substance rubbed off on my skin, powdering roughly.

I lit my wand, looking at the knife again. It was red. A terrible shudder swept through me.

"Blood, my pretty," said a voice behind me.

**_Away with the torches!_**

**_I'm late, I know, I'm sorry._**

**_I like writing about Sirius and Aly a lot more then Lily and James, it appears. I don't even know why._**

_**Guess what? This story has more then 500 reviews!!! YAY!!**_

_**Who can guess what the knife is? (You can vote on it!)**_

_**No actual questions for last chapter, but... I just thought I should remind everyone: though this story is following JKR up to the seventh book, (not that it makes much of a difference, except for birthdays) we are talking about the WIZARDING WORLD here... where just about everything is possible. I think that's a very major clue, by the way...**_


	42. Chapter 42

**From James Potter's Journal:**

How could there be someone else in the house?

I racked my brain. The spell was simple: no one could come in or out, unless they were a true Potter. And I couldn't leave, because I was already inside. The only way for me to leave was for another human genetically (or magically) related to the Potter clan to open the door wide open for me to exit.

But there was no one left alive to meet those requirements. No one in Britain- no one I ever heard about. The only way someone could be in here, except for Laurence, my mum…'s corpse, and me, was for him or her to have been here ever since the spell was put in place… just after my mum died, leaving the house with no Potter inhabitants. The spell was put against thieves, of course, and assassins or murderers. But if no one stepped foot here for a few solid months, the charm upgraded itself… and locked _everyone_ in.

So unless someone with a strong magical connection to some Potter (since there were no Potters around except for me) had entered the vicinities, someone has been hiding in here since my mum's death.

I looked down at her cold carcass.

And then I looked away.

**From Lily Evan's Recorder of Past Events:**

"Blood, my pretty."

My body went stiff, my hand instinctively closing on the bloodied blade, which took no pity in cutting my arm open. I cried out softly, watching warm blood mingle with the old one. Feeling light headed, I turned around. So. Bloody. Smart.

A man stood in the doorway, leaning on the thick wood covering the wide kitchen entrance. His graying, brown hair rested, awkward and disheveled, on top of a small, mousy head, reminding me somewhat of an overly large rodent, sniffing my way. He had bulging, ash blotched gray eyes that stared at me, red with bursting vines that were probably caused by the half empty beer bottle held loosely in one of his overlarge fists.

"M… Mr. Laurence?" I mumbled pathetically, turning the knife with trembling hands. I shifted my gaze from my tightly tied shoes to the man before me, barely standing on wobbly feet. An unfamiliar stench slowly filled the kitchen- a mixture of old, sour beer and dried up sweat.

Laurence laughed, his eyes staring at me ravenously. "Indeed!" He swung the bottle to his lips, taking a long, loud gulp.

"It's Lily, Mr.… um. I- I was actually looking for… James. Potter. I was looking for him. Actually." I fingered the knife nervously, seriously considering putting it down.

"Potter, aye?" Laurence said, his gaze unfocused as he eyed me greedily. "James…POTTER!" the drunken yell echoed around the deserted rooms, delirious.

I jumped back, stumbling to put the kitchen island between Potter's intoxicated step-dad and me. He laughed at my efforts, following me with a solid step. "Your girlfriend's looking for you, _son!"_

"We're not-" I started saying, daftly, but Laurence used that small destruction to take out his wand, pointing it at my chest.

"Aren't you beautiful." He whispered.

"I… um. Mr.… err, is Mrs. P-Potter…well, Mrs.… Laurence, I guess now she- is she home? I- M… Mr. Lau- hi!"

I jumped back as he lunged at me, managing to engulf a strong, burning hand around my wrist. I could taste the sharp, bitter alcohol in his breath as he pulled me nearer, inhaling deeply, a mad look in his over large eyes. "Mrs. Potter is… unavailable," he told me coherently as I struggled to break free.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

"Your girlfriend's looking for you, _son!"_

A shudder passed through me at the title. I looked down at my mum's silent body, trying to figure out what Laurence had just said. It took a while for the words to sink in, before-

_Jess,_ I thought, distractedly. _He's got Jess…_

How the hell does he have Jess?!

The thought pulled me from a haze of confusion- Jess certainly has not been here since… then. What was she doing here, now? How did she get inside?

I was crouched down by mum's bed, my chin resting on the dusty mattress. Shockingly, I didn't smell anything fowl- but I think my nose had simply stopped working. I guess I was in a kind of trance, or something, because my drunk and violent step dad just told me that my girlfriend was down there with him. With the mate-murdering step dad. That kissed a dead corpse. Jess. Alone.

And I was just sitting there.

Alone.

_I have to go help her_ I thought absentmindedly. My mind felt foggy, as if I wasn't really there, not really getting everything that was going on. _Merlin knows what he'd do to her. The guy's a psychopath. _

I got up, my hand trailing over mum's cold skin. Voices came from downstairs. They were still talking down there…

Closing my eyes, I turned away from the body, heavily making the way out the room, feeling like I was a little kid again, and had to leave a Quidditch match to go clean my room. I shouldn't be away from her. She's been alone enough as it was.

No, I wasn't thinking straight, thank you.

I was half way down the stairs, hauling heavy feet and battling indecision. Dead mum, Jess. Dead mum, Jess…

A lone, blood-curdling scream cut through the dense silence in the deserted halls. And it wasn't Jess.

It was Lily Evans.

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

With difficulty, I managed to break free- but it cost me the knife, which I fruitlessly tried to shove into his heaving chest. He caught it mid air, clutching the handle with a wicked smirk. And turned it on me.

I didn't mean to scream. Really I didn't. But he had me cornered, and the bloody knife was in his hand, and he was smiling this crazy, unfocused grin that made my face boil, sweat tickle down my brow. I don't know how I got into that position. He kept talking, telling me about… a lot of women, a lot of kids, that all… that he killed them. And he was so happy about it, chuckling, looking elated at the prospect of being their murderer. He really liked their eyes. How they moved back at the moment of death, how they were different for each person. Could you blame me for not being exactly alert to anything else he was doing?

For example, goading me back, away from the kitchen island and closer to that pantry on the lone, barely touched side of the room. He pushed me on, the knife shimmering crimson red in his hands, until my back was pressed to the door, my hand feebly scrambling around the knob, trying to turn it. Of course it was locked. Of course it was…

"And you know how I get all of them?" he whispered, his eyes wide and delighted. "Fresh widows might be the easiest… the imperious curse, beautiful," he sniggered, giving me an overjoyed vampire smile. "No one can ever tell…"

He raised his wand, his hand shaking from the beer and insanity. My eyes followed the tip of the wand as he turned it to me, chuckling madly.

"Imperio!"

And then I screamed.

I honestly didn't mean to.

**From James Potter's Journal: **

Her scream shot through my reverie like a ray of sunlight. All the shadows receded, making space for concentration, understanding, and fear. Lily Evans doesn't scream. Not under any normal circumstances.

I found myself running, my heart pounding in my chest like an overenthusiastic teenage drummer. New voices came from the kitchen- groaning, soft murmurs and moans of pleasure. My breath came in great, painful grasps as I came to a chaotic halt in the doorway, trying not to fall over.

He was taking off her shirt.

My step dad, the one that a few hours ago sucked blood out of a corpse's mouth, was taking off Evan's shirt.

Half of me wanted to go in there, punch him in the face and curse the hell out of him. The other half wanted to stand there, on weak, unsteady legs, and look at her creamy skin, the black bra that held the… chest… in place…

But then that part saw his alcohol stained hands stroke that velvety skin, his face concentrating on the very same chest…

And I punched him.

It felt wickedly fantastic.

"Run!" I screamed at her, but she just stared at me, her emerald eyes clouded. Laurence stood up, grinning my way.

"Join the party, Potter," he laughed. "You wanna have a g-"

Grabbing her shirt from his hand, I sent a well-sited kick right between his legs. He fell right back down, the breath knocked out of him. Cheering along with the satisfied roar in my head, I grabbed Evan's hand, already moving toward the door, but instead fumbling over slippery blood that emitted in large quantities from two deep cuts in the inside of her palm.

Anger boiled in me as I took hold of the other hand, pulling her resisting body away from him, out the kitchen, and up the stairs- toward my own room. As the door flung close behind us, I sent a red jet of light his way. His yelp made the vexed dragon in my chest blow contented fireworks.

We were half way up the stairs when she stopped. I fought the urge to scream, looking back down, to where my step dad stood, grinning, his wand pointed at Evan's back.

"Lily, was it?"

"Lily, we need to go!" I whispered urgently. She looked up at me, the green pools big and unclear. I pulled her hand again, but she wouldn't budge. She just stayed standing there, looking at me with that strange look that seemed so familiar.

"Potter!" He was making his way up. Feeling foolish (and oddly happy) I seized her under the legs, lifting the inert body in my arms. She didn't seem to mind, still unmoving while I run up, kicking open doors as I hurried to the room where I spent the years of my childhood.

Behind us, Laurence was laughing insanely. I could hear him throwing away the almost empty beer bottle, and then shuddered as it hit the floor below, shuttering into a million pieces. My step dad howled, chuckling madly. "Didn't I teach you to share, son?"

I closed the door behind us, locking it with the strongest curse I could think of. Then I turned to Lily.

"Are you ok?" I asked, gasping, but she just gaped at me wordlessly. I frowned at her, before realizing the problem: like my mother before her, she was now under Laurence's fatal imperious. Crap.

"Evans?" I asked, running a hand before her emotionless face. "Snap out of it!"

No answer. And Laurence was already on the floor, looking into my mum's room. Gritting my teeth, I made a very stupid, very right decision. The imperious wasn't a breakable curse- there was no antidote. It just faded away. And the more the victim fought, the faster it faded.

She was still shirt less.

**_got to go get dinner. Enjoy!_**


	43. Chapter 43

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

I was imprisoned in my own mind, in a wonderland of gray clouds that seemed to suffocate me from every direction. I had lost any connection to my body, no matter how hard I struggled, all I could master was a vague understand what was done to me, unable to do anything about it.

Or so I thought.

Potter is a prat.

There is no other way to put it. I mean I'm thankful that he saved me. I don't want to think what that Laurence guy was planning to do. And then Potter coming out of no where, like a knight with a lifted sward, with an armor of… dirty, crinkled cloths.

He was still holding on to my shirt, a long sleeved, deep red blouse that was under a sweater and robe, which we left in the kitchen. It seemed very small in his hands, which were quite big, and warm looking. I wrestled the curse trying to see what he was doing. He fingered the shirt wordlessly, looking from me to it every few seconds.

And then he threw it to the floor, and circled around me, out of sight.

I couldn't master the control to look what he was doing, but I sure as hell felt it. I was right- his arms were warm. Burning hot on the cold skin of my back, bare in the December night. And how did I know?

He was taking off my bra.

You heard it. And he wasn't doing that great a job with it, either. By the progress he was making and the many times he ended up pinching me, this was the very first time he's even seen something like this.

Of course, it was a muggle bra, which are so very much more comfortable…

My face burned red, and I felt my fists clutch, but no other physical change occurred apart form an undying urge to smack him. Hard. He managed to open it, leaving it hanging limply over both sides of my body.

He circled back around, looking at me curiously.

Prat.

I gave him a furious look that must not have passed farther then my imagination, because he frowned and eyed me top to bottom once again. He extended a hand, touching my bare stomach, all the while looking intently at my face, searching for a reaction.

_What do you think you're doing!_ I screamed inside my head.

Was he smirking, or was I imagining it?

Nope, he was definitely smirking- a wide, excited grin as he run a warm hand down my stomach- still looking for reactions- and opened the front of my jeans.

The shocked, incredulous look must have showed, because he quickly backed away, eyeing me fearfully. Like a five year old who knows he's done something horrible, but if you won't say anything he'll keep right back on it. I managed an angry growl as he moved closer once again, sliding the bloody jeans down.

And I smacked him.

"Bloody- Evans!"

**From James Potter's Journal:**

She loomed over me as I cowered fearfully, her hand marked in a red, painful mark across my cheek.

"You're all better then," I managed, before her fists collided with my back, raining on my skin like extra large droplets. Except for the times she hit some fresh, bleeding wond, making me gasp in pain. Covering my head, I peeked at her, yelping in surprise.

Her flaming red her was everywhere, let down by Laurence when he… yeah. She had pulled her jeans back on, somehow, but the bra was flinging every which way, threatening to full off. It was a miracle it stayed on. Of course I never planned to pull it off. (Ok. It crossed my mind.) I was not counting on her exploding angrily; making it actually drop off- I left it on intentionally. Just opened the back to make her mad. To make her fight. How was I to know she'll wake up and start heating me with pitiful punches all over the back, stomach, and chest? How was I to know her… breasts… would move wildly like that, that the bra would let loose a bit more with every strike…

I had no idea that would happen. No clue at all.

Ahem.

"Give me my _shirt!" _she screamed, slapping me again on the top of the head, before going over to get the cloth from the floor, where it lay, contented. Thoughts of my girlfriend evaporated at the sight of her bar back, white and creamy with undeveloped muscles twitching with every move she made.

"Turn around!"

I did so, feeling my face burn as hot as her… _Jess_ I forced myself to think._ Jessica Norman._

My gaze fixed on the dusty, gray poster of my favorite Quidditch team- the Falmouth Falcons-I could hear her pulling the fabric over herself, shivering quietly. I didn't dare look back, thinking about one of my dad's coats, hanging uselessly in mum's room.

"I… I can get you a coat," I offered, staring at the Falcon's famous quote: 'Let us win, but if we cannot win, let us break a few heads.' that shone over the playing teammates.

She sniffed, zipping her pants. I turned around slowly, my hands raised high.

"Are you ok?" I asked, seeing tears making her emerald eyes lakier then normally.

She didn't answer, looking down at herself, to see if any body part remind visible. Red locks fell into her face, hiding the drops cascading down her cheeks.

"Hi…" I started to apologize, but a loud sound from right out the room stopped me. We were making a hell of a racket in here…

"Who is that?" she whispered as we both backed up against the wall, hoping beyond hope that he won't try the door. My room was never locked…

"That would be my step dad, " I said, bitterly, the temporary marauder-ness disintegrating with adrenaline. And hormones. "You probably heard about my mum's marriage? John Laurence."

"Yeah," she said slowly, noticing the acidity in my tone. "That rich guy everyone's been talking about."

"Yup. That him." I said. The footsteps stopped, rebounded, coming closer. I cursed. Lily's strict gaze bore into mine. "Damn. We gotta go. I don't specialize in locking charms…"

I looked around as charms were heard from the other side of the door, trying to unlock it. Fortunately, my step dad was completely wasted and beyond the point of remembering much curses more complex then _lumos_. My eyes landed on the fireplace, and the box of Floo powder right atop it.

I jumped over to it, opening it with shaking hands. Could we escape if…?

Whether we could or not would remain a mystery. The box was empty, and outside, Laurence was moving on to more destructive curses. He was going to blast the door open…

Gritting my teeth, I searched madly around, looking for something useful. As if. There were no secret tunnels in my room…

Or were there?

**From Lily Evans Record of Past Events:**

That Laurence guy was still outside, pounding on the feeble door, that seemed to shudder with every hit. Much like myself. I could still feel his hands all over my stomach, his fingers digging into the skin of my arms. I bit my lips, looking over at Potter. What was he planning to do?

Wait- wasn't I the rescue party?

Aha. Great.

Suddenly, James turned to me, a glint of hope shining in his eyes.

"I think…" he started, looking around again. He marched of to a sidewall, not bothering to explain himself. Trying to stop the trembling all over my body, I followed.

"The house elves used…"he murmured, looking at me excitedly. "There was a way for them to travel around the house without waking us… something in the walls… We might be able to hide in their rooms…"

He started running his hands on the solid wall, moving away aging posters and family portraits. I looked over to the banging door. We don't have time for this…

"We need to go to the kitchen," I said suddenly, feeling my voice wavering weakly. "My robe is there… my wand…"

James gave me an "I don't believe you're saying this right now" sort of look, and then returned it back to the wall. He seemed to have found what he was looking for, clawing at the edges of a slightly higher part of the stony wall, biting his lower lip.

"Potter!" Laurence screamed from behind the door.

"Hurry up!" I called, hysteric. When Potter didn't answer, taking out his wand, I stopped, closing my eyes.

_You need to relax,_ I thought._ No use in a hysterical teenage girl right now._

So I did.

"How can I help?" I asked, moving forward.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

"Hold on tight," I called, swinging the hidden door open. With an adrenaline packed jump I landed inside, pulling Evans right after me. Her arms laced around my chest, her hair pressed against my back. I could smell a sweet cherry scent all over the locks of silky cerise hair.

"Is this safe?" she whispered, fear evident in her quivering voice. I tried to push away thoughts of the soft breeze of her breath on my neck. _Jess. Jess. JessJessJess._

Peeking back at her, I considered my answer.

"For house elves."

And then we pulled off, cascading down a narrow, dark tunnel-slide. It was like a roller coaster, so fast and furious- Sirius would have loved this.

We came to a gentle stop in a dark room. It was low and wet, but oddly clean. Evans was giving me the evil eye, untangling herself form me, as I stood up to look at our surroundings.

Six different tunnels- all too short for us to stand- led in different directions. We were stranded in the middle, the slide disappearing behind us as we got out.

As a kid, I often wondered where the house elves disappeared after they finished cleaning. Once I actually went to investigate. I road the slide, reached this peculiar room which I think is in the underground of the Manor, unless it's in some alternate dimension for elves or something, which at ten I saw as a very vivid possibility. I fooled around the many tunnels, getting lost after the third turn. One of the house elves rescued me a few hours later, as I stumbled into their kitchens, convinced I've been wondering, lost, for at least a month. I tried finding my way back down since- every summer- armed with roped and colorful paper arrows to mark my way. But every time I slid down the slide, I ended up outside, near the front door.

I suppose the house elves had put up a… anti James spell or something. But we couldn't go outside, and my servant friends had been gone for months… So here we were.

"Follow me," I told Evans, noting a need to lower my voice against the insistent echoes. I began walking toward the nearest exist, taking out my wand. (Sometimes during my flight I'd dropped it, but it was easy to find later, since hiding things was certainly not Laurence's thing.)I marked the tunnel entrance with a big red stain.

Reluctantly, Evans followed.

**From Lily Evans' Record of Past Events:**

Thankfully, we did not get lost.

The tunnel Potter picked led to others, and we moved on randomly and cluelessly around the area. Potter walked before me, marking the way with a trail of red stains, his wand held up as light. Apparently house elves had night vision.

"So…" I said, awkward, as the silence loomed heavily. "Your step dad."

"Nice guy, isn't he?" Potter said, flashing a smile my way. "Very fatherly."

I did not find this amusing. "Funny. Hysterical. Haha. What's been going on here, anyway?"

"Rather an uncomplicated story, actually," Potter said, turning the corner. "After my dad died, mum's been drinking around in local muggle pubs. I think all the publicity was getting to her- she wanted to get away." He didn't look at me as he talked, concentrating on the shadowy tunnels. I focused on him, trying to guess what he was thinking. "Then one day she comes back with Laurence, all giggly and drunk. I thought it was… Well, I wasn't really thinking back then. Mainly stayed up in my room with the door locked. Or flying. Did a lot of that too. So before I even noticed anything was going on, I'm at a wedding, and my mum is kissing this guy that I don't even know. She wasn't the… same, since she met him. Now I know why- he use and imperious on her. Don't look so surprised," he added at my gasp. "The fact that it's illegal doesn't mean people don't use it all the time."

We kept on moving silently for a while. I thought over what he said. Of course I knew what happened, vaguely, from all the exposure the whole thing was getting in the media. Hogwarts was swamped with rumors about the whole thing, mostly because James was a student. Didn't realize they met at a bar, though…

"So what happened?" I asked. "Why's the house so…"

"Dead?" he laughed bitterly. "He's a drunk, that's why. He didn't put her under the curse for the fun of it, not like it was with you- he wanted the money. And the fun, too, I guess. And of course, with the Imperio in place she kept taking his side in everything. Ignoring how he beat her, how he beat…" he hesitated his words lingering between us. I frowned, thinking it over.

"_You?_"

I heard him grit his teeth, walking a bit faster.

"I didn't know what to do. You've never heard your mum scream like that, every night. It was like everything was normal, though- like he was a substitute for my dad, sitting there in his place every meal, saying the things he would have said if he were… you know. Alive. Only he kept drinking. And I saw less and less of my mum, and more and more of him.

"I couldn't… talk to anyone. The Marauders were off in their own business, and even if they could have talked to me, I was usually locked up in my room, either by choice or not. He fired the house elves, cut all connection to the real world… except the media. They had a free pass in here at all times. You see- he wanted to seem like a good husband. A good dad. He was planning to kill her- us- all along."

I shivered, feeling the coolness of the un-warmed tunnels. Why weren't we freezing, underground in the middle of December?

"But he didn't do it," I said, scrambling closer to the light. To Potter. "I mean… what ever he was planning. You're still alive."

There was silence for a ling time. Then Potter looked at me, still walking.

"I am."

**From James Potter's Journal:**

I saw understanding dawn on her face. Then pity.

I turned away in a huff, annoyed.

"Don't do that," I said coldly. "You have nothing to with it."

"Wha… when?" she murmured, her voice soft and sympathizing. I gave her a venomous look. "We have to tell someone!"

"'Good luck with that," I said sarcastically, walking faster. "We're locked inside the house. How'd you get in, anyway?"

"Locked inside… wait!" reluctantly, I slowed down. "What are you talking about?"

"It's a charm for protection." I said, pausing briefly at a crossroad, before randomly choosing the left lane. "The first Potters- who built this place- placed it on the whole house. If all the Potters leave, the house is locked to anyone that's not of Potter blood."

"So you can get out," she said. I could hear the frown in her voice- the same one she got whenever she was trying to figure out something complicated in class. "You're a Potter. And your mum, too."

"No. My mum isn't blood. My dad was the Potter- she married into the family. So once I left- the only Potter descendent left- to Hogwarts, she was left, locked up in this house, alone."

"With Laurence," she said.

"Alone." I repeated.

Behind me, she nodded. I marked another red stain on a near by wall.

"What about you? Can't you leave?"

Here was the tricky part even I didn't really get. "The Spell must have upgraded itself, with so many months of locking the two people in here. I'm not sure how to break it."

"I got in."

"Excellent point."

We fell silent again, each to their own thoughts. One of my red marks appeared before us. Yup. We were officially lost.

"There was… a lion," she said suddenly, uncertainty dominating her tone. "It winked at me. The doorknocker in the entrance. It said: 'Welcome.' " I felt her piercing gaze on my back. "Was that normal?"

I thought it over. Nothing like that ever happened before, I don't think… "No. Must be some ancient charm. Maybe that's how you got in. Did it say anything else?"

She stopped suddenly, making me turn around. "What's that?"

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

It was an opening in the ceiling, a circular hole right above my head. I couldn't see where it led, but it sure was different then anything we've seen in the tunnels up till then.

Potter raised his wand above both our heads, examining it.

"You've never been here before, have you?" I observed. Typical Potter.

"Nope." He confirmed, scratching his head. Then: "Accio broom!"

And out of the hole, to my great surprise there came a broom, sprinting through the air and coming to rest on James's side.

"It leads to the storage room," he said, grabbing hold of it. He eyes the hole again, and then flashed me a satisfied smirk. "Its right by the kitchen, and the exist to the grounds. We keep just about everything there."

"That's convenient," I said, thinking about the well-situated nearness to the kitchen.

Potter placed the broom between his legs, feeling it familiarly with two strong hands. "I figured out how this… how the tunnels work. They're right under the actual house." He smiled at me again, motioning to get on behind him. I did so, uncomfortable with my arms fastened around his shoulders. "There's no such thing as coincidence, Evans."

"…Lily." I said after a pause. We were in this together now.

He looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes flashing strangely. "Lily."

And we were off.

**_You guys are so great. I got fifteen review- fifteen! So here... a chapter early, and my undying gratitude. You made me feel so happy... :-D_**


	44. Chapter 44

**From James Potter's Journal: **

"Will you hurry up?"

She gave me an annoyed look. "Oh- I'm sorry. My _deepest_ apologies. I'll try dressing faster, so we could get out of the sealed house no one can get out of."

"You need to work on your comebacks."

"Shut up."

Battling a grin, I looked around the corner again. The stairway was deserted, but that didn't mean much. Laurence could be anywhere, and come up from any of the exits surrounding us: upstairs, living room, entrance room, or the hallway on the left where all the spare rooms were. Not a very good location to be in, all in all.

Behind me, I heard Lily straightening up.

"Err… Potter?"

"James, _Lily._ We've already been over this."

"Right. Sorry. _James. _I can't find my wand."

This made me turn. Evans stood in the center of the kitchen, pulling her long red hair out of the newly worn black robe. She gave me an apologetic look, petting her pockets helplessly.

I cursed, ignoring her sharp protests. "He must have taken it. Are you sure you need it?"

"My wand?" she pretended to think this over. "Yeah, I think so."

Rolling my eyes, I fingered my own wand. We couldn't very well go in search for _him._ That'll be suicidal, never mind stupid. I bit my lip, mauling in thought. Now that my mum was dead, there really wasn't anything to lose. If we could just get out of here, we could tell someone- the Ministry, or maybe Dumbledore- everything that's been going on… and get Lily's wand that way, coming back when no crazy psychopath was around trying to kill us.

But how do we get out?

"Wait- did you say you left the front door open?" I asked, a brilliant idea flushing through my mind.

She nodded. "I don't know if it's still open, though."

I shook my head. "It's our best shot. We'll get out, and then have someone come back for your wand. "

"That leaves me wandless," she told me flatly, obviously unhappy with the prospect. I gave her a stern, meaningful look I'd learned from McGongall.

"Your life, or your wand, Evans. Your choice."

There was a pause.

"It's _Lily,_" she muttered, stampeding forward. Smirking slightly, I extended an arm to stop her.

"Wait."

She looked at me with a familiar death glare.

"You can't just walk though there. Laurence could be anywhere- and you're seriously vulnerable without a wand."

She looked out the door, noting the various places from which an enemy could jump out. "So what do-"

"I'll cover you," I offered quickly. "You just walk toward the living room, and I'll stay here to curse the rum out of him if he dares show up."

Her face turned a deep shade of red I've never really seen before. She looked down. "Alright. Just… walk across?"

"Carefully," I agreed, moving out of the way.

And she went.

It was a rude anti climax as she arrived on the other side easily, grinning with relief. I gave her a thumps up, looking around warily. "Ok." I said. "I'm coming."

"P-James?"

Scanning all possible hiding places, I addressed he blindly. "Make it Potter. This is getting ridicules."

Evans smiled, looking relieved. "Potter then. Why are you barefoot?"

I looked down at the random question, unconcerned. "I'm actually not sure. I think I had to take them off a few hours ago to be a bit quieter."

"Well, you may notice the glass all over the floor."

I looked down, inspecting the sharp pieces scattered a distance away. Those were the remains of my step dad's beer bottle, which he had thrown on the ground as we were escaping the kitchen hours before. They shone radiantly to my wand's light.

"Yeah. I think I can avoid them."

I smiled at her, and she rolled her eyes, mouthing _lunatic marauder_ in a very obvious way. Chuckling, I walked forward with confidence.

And then yelped with pain.

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

I saw the jet of green light as if in slow motion, passing through the dark air like an emerald lightning. James saw it, too, and jumped away, looking up for the source. And there was Laurence, smirking in the shadows, looking down at us from upstairs.

James yelled with pain as he landed, jumping up again as the large, brown pieces of the broken bottle sunk deep into the bare skin of his feet. Laurence sent another curse, and James toppled over, falling to the ground- to the glass. He hollered angrily.

"Evans- run!"

I saw him point his wand at his stepfather, yelling a curse I couldn't recognize. Gray sparks exploded out of the thin wood, engulfing Laurence with a blanket of silver smoke. James got up unsteadily; deep cuts emitting blood all over his arms, legs, and back. "Go," he commanded, moving quickly the other way. "I'll distract him." He threw me his wand, serious and foreboding. "Get help."

Feeling panicked and cowardly, I turned toward the door. I didn't pause at the scenery, not again- the sofas were still turned over, the pictures still broken and infested with dust. I sprinted toward the door, which was still open, _Old and Forgotten Bewitchments and Charms-_ the book I'd placed there even now protruding brightly from the filthy ground. But I didn't get far before-

"AH!"

James screamed, a mind-boggling cry that made my blood boil. I stopped mid stride, fighting sense and instinct on whether to look back or not, whether I had the time, the courage-

_You're a bloody Gryffindor!_ I thought, turning around determinedly. _And you came to save _him_, not visa versa!_

I run back the way I came, to find Laurence had made his way down stairs and was now standing above James, my wand pointing at the latter's heaving chest, in the crowded hallway. Laurence laughed, James moaned. There was a deep, crimson stain running horizontally across his chest, seeping into the fabric of his robe. I cowered behind one of the fallen sofas, staring, wide eyed.

"Crucio!" Laurence hissed, and giggled drunkenly as James withered at his feet, fighting to stop another anguished scream as he trembled and shook with pain. "You're parents must be _so proud…_"

Laurence lifted the curse, leaving James gasping on the ground. He clutched his chest, trying vainly to stop the bleeding. The older man laughed, aiming another cutting curse at his hurting stepson.

"I promised your mum I'd make this quick," he whispered, towering over James. "On those moments she was… _lucid_." James made an incomprehensible howling sound. "But I've never been known to keep my word, have I?"

He kicked James in the chest, right over the bleeding wound. I gasped, holding James's wand tightly in my arm. I had to do something…

"Expelliarmus!" I yelled, pointing at the demon before me.

My wand flew into my hand, but I couldn't catch it with my left arm. It fell to the floor, banging loudly with the ancient wood.

Laurence looked at me, and then slowly, frighteningly, smiled.

"Get out of here, Evans…" Potter managed, his weak, pained voice barely heard in the imminent silence. "Get help…"

But Laurence was already upon me, freezing my mind with that evil gaze. He picked up the wand, which lay motionless between us, and shifted his tiny, discolored eyes from my petrified face to my equally frozen body.

"Hello there… _Evans…_"

I couldn't move. I could barely breath. I don't even know what happened- but the next thing I knew, Laurence was screaming at my feet, with James holding on to his legs with surprising strength, staining the dark robes a crimson red as he made a grab for my wand.

He got it.

Laurence howled angrily while James stood shakily, throwing me the wand-, which I caught, fortunately- before turning on the spot and running back the way I came, toward the door. James didn't pause before following, quickly catching up to me with his superior athletic body. Laurence howled behind us, an evil sound that had my hair standing on edge. We could hear his shuffling, drunken footsteps behind us, as he stood up and proceeded with the chase. Of course, he didn't need to- he had his own wand still, and we were too busy running to fight back magically… James grabbed his wand from my hand and sent a curse back anyway, but missed by mare inches. All Laurence had to do was aim, choose a spell, and shoot.

James threw the door open, and I rushed through it. We were half way through the garden when he cursed, and turned right back around.

"Potter!" I screamed, running up to him, my arms flailing with panic and hysteria. "What are you-"

"We gotta close the door!" he yelled back, dashing toward the entrance, toward Laurence. I followed, hesitant but determined. Laurence smiled at us, slowing to a walk. He said something, but I couldn't hear… James stopped at the door, reaching in to grab it, at the same moment that Laurence had. The older wizard raised his wand, clutching at the door, his eyes shining happily. I screamed, but James was closing the door, his muscles straining against his stepfather's, the blood galloping down his wrists, his chest and back in great and terrible waves, and all I could do was stand there, and…

"James," I whispered, my voice a frightened sob. I couldn't think. I've been running on instinct and adrenaline for the past few hours, not a lucid thought crossing my mind… and now, my instinct told me-

"James, I… I love you."

He turned to me with shock, his eyes widening in what I imagined was joy, relief, maybe even passion. We stared at each other for an infinite, eternal moment, his dark hazel eyes marveling at my own emerald ones, gazing into me- into myself, the very depths of my soul as he struggled to say something, his beautiful black hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. I noticed golden flecks melting into the brown in his eyes, and a strange chestnut rim surrounding the edge of the childish pupils. His mouth was slightly open, rows of white teeth visible beneath trembling lips, which he was in the process of wetting mindlessly. My eyes moved on to his arms, clutching the edges of the door, still fighting to close it… but it was no longer his primary interest. He looked at me, blinking, and then bit the inner side of his lip thoughtfully, making a decision.

"I-"

A ray of green light.

James Potter was dead.


	45. Chapter 45

**Sirius Black:**

"Mr. Black, I need you to sit up and drink this."

Sirius opened his eyes, yawning with mock protest. Madam Pomfrey looked down at him sternly. The blindingly white walls of the infirmary in Hogwarts formed a solid background to the young woman, lighted by a warm fire concentrated in small hearths all over the room. The Mediwitch held out a dark class, a steaming liquid throwing water vapor from inside.

"What is it?" he asked grudgingly, trying not to move too much, so to not wake up the tired muscles. Or the dark haired teenage girl, sleeping on the bed to his right.

"It's for strength."

"Do I look _weak_ to you?" he demended comically.

Madam Pomfrey raised a thin dark eyebrow, indicating to his unmoving legs; the heavy arms slumped lazily on the white sheets.

"Point taken."

She handed him the veil, and he drunk, grimacing at the sour taste. She smiled lightly, as if enjoying his discomfort. Shouldn't be so rude next time.

"Now rest, Mr. Black, please. Or I'll give you a potion, too." She pointed to Aly, unmoving and beautiful. Sirius looked, too, staring at her perfect face, the fragile way that she slept- so unlike her any other time. She had insisted to go after Lily, saying she was fine, she wasn't the one under the Imperius, and she could handle a few Crucios. Cuts. Broken ribs. She could totally deal with that.

He chuckled.

Dumbledore had gone on to deal with Bellatrix, who was still tied by the lake. Hopefully, the Great Squid would have made dinner out of her by now. Sirius felt his chest tighten at the very thought of his cousin… what she made him do…

He closed his eyes, refusing to think about it. Turning away from Aly. She said it wasn't his fault. He didn't mean to.

Of course he didn't mean to.

But he did.

And if he was ever under the same circumstances… he would again. He would have no choice.

He swallowed.

It _was _his fault.

**From the Thoughts of Lily Evans:**

_Dead._

_Dead. James Potter. Dead. _

_Gone. Passed. Dead._

_James Potter._

_Dead._

_His eyes. Staring. Blaming. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to!_

_The man… who is this man? _

_His eyes, lifeless, hopeless, empty. He's not there. This is not James Potter. James Potter is gone, passed, moved on…_

_Dead. James Potter is dead. _

_Close your eyes. Pleas close your eyes. Please. I'm sorry- I didn't… didn't mean for you…_

_Dead._

_The man is not a man. He is a demon. He is pointing his wand at me and I look at the wand and the tears are flooding down my face like storm ocean waves but I can't feel them. I can't feel anything. _

_Dead._

_I don't see, can't hear, won't listen. My heart vibrates in my chest, every beat a painful stub. The man- the demon- Laurence. He smiles. He laughs. He kicks the dead body I am holding._

_On my knees. The solid ground hurts my legs, the cold of the night burning my skin, the rain dropping like acid, my eyes so wet I'm blind. But his eyes. I see his eyes. I see the emptiness. I see the nothingness, the darkness that came after the light._

_The blinding, green light._

_Dead._

_I grab his hand. It's cold and weak, the muscles underneath already letting go, already giving up. No. Nonono don't die. Please don't die James Potter._

_My fault. All my fault. I'm sorry!_

_Dead. James Potter is dead._

_I'm sorry…_

**Peter Pettigrew:**

The wolf stood above him, silent for once, its great, beast eyes staring down at its prey with a moon-yellow hunger.

Peter whimpered, and the wolf growled. _Silence,_ it commanded. _You are prey. You are nothing. You do not even exist anymore._

_You are mine._

But Peter couldn't stay quite. The blood gushed out of his ripped chest, surging in great eruptions from his left leg, gluing the mousy hair to his forehead. He could see his own bones jetting jaggedly out of his arm, resting numbly at his side. Ripped skin. Broken bones. And pain. So much pain…

The wolf sniffed with interest. How did this happen? Where were the others? They swore this would never happen. For months. For months that he refused to come, and they swore- the swore Remus would never, ever… and they would protect him. They said that they would protect him. They said the wolf wouldn't be interested in a rat. They said he would be safe.

Peter let out a pained sigh, closing his eyes blindly. The world howled angrily, its powerful paw on Peter's stomach, the sharp fangs visible and glistening with saliva that dripped into the open wounds. Peter moaned. The teeth touched what was left of his skin… and pulled.

He didn't have the energy to scream.

**Remus Lupin:**

_Flesh. Human flesh._

_Blood. Human blood._

_The bones crutching under his powerful teeth, his jaw closing over unmoving limbs, lifeless and limp. But his prey still lived. He could hear the heart moving weakly, pumping the delicious liquid throughout fragile human vines. He smelled the fearful sweat, thrilled over the lessening spasms of pain, the irresistible taste filling his mouth. _

_His first human prey. He had no idea what he was missing…_

_The wolf howled, ecstatic with joy. This was what he was meant to do. This was his true self. His real self. He was born to do this…_

_This was his destiny. A werewolf's fate. The point of the pain of all the transformations, this prize, the blood and meat and human flesh under his paws, breaking to the lightest touch of his grand teeth…_

_This was him. _

_The wolf._

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

I'm not actually sure what happened.

I saw him drop, the light sip out of his eyes like that very last moment of a sunset, where all light disappears from the horizon. But with a sunset you know that the light's still there. You know that tomorrow, the sun would rise again, and the light would return.

The light had to return. He couldn't be dead. James Potter could not be dead.

His lips were slightly open, as if he was about to say something. _I love you. I hate you. I love Jess. I used to love you, but I can't now. You lost all chance of my love. I love you too._

I would never know. And I would always wonder.

But then, that didn't occur to me. I didn't care what he would have said. Just watched, horrified, as he sunk to his knees, then down to the ground, lifeless. Helpless. My potion worked. Finally. Now and forever, James Potter was helpless.

Laurence came up and kicked his motionless body. I fell down beside it, oblivious to that demon in human form. The tears clouded my eyes as I apparated away, somehow, through the fields straining to stop me. I couldn't go to Hogwarts. I had to go to Hogwarts. Madam Pomfrey would now what to do. Dumbledore would know what to do. They _had_ to.

It's all a blur now. Arriving in Hogsmeade, in the snow, sobbing over James's unmoving body. The man who came to help- saw the dead boy, the dead man clutched to my chest. Took my to St. Mungo's. Seating in the waiting room. Just for a moment, for a few seconds, as they looked him over.

And then, just like that, it was official. Printed surly onto a brown parchment. And there were no more Potters. And John Laurence would forever remain in that cursed house, because there was no Potter to let him out. And the empty spot beside Mr. Potter's grave would not be filled with his wife's body, because it could never be retrieved… but by his son, his seventeen year old son.

And just like that, James Potter was dead.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Tragedies:**

I woke slowly, unable to move. I forgot where I was, what I was doing there, and for a moment I felt like Bellatrix Black's prey again, running between the thick trees of the Forbidden Forest, my heart accelerating, my lungs laboring.

But then, in a great wave of cooling, relief bringing wind, it came back to me. Lily, Dumbledore. That Patronus of hers.

And Sirius Black. Sirius Black's kiss.

"_-they sure, Headmaster? Surely there's something-"_

"_Very few mistakes could be made with death, Minerva. I'm afraid…"_

"_But… but Potter… and Evans…"_

"_I know. I know."_

_"How?!"_

_"The Avada Kedavra. Something was going on in that house… something… I should have foreseen…"_

My eyes flew open.

Lily.

Potion.

Potion and Lily.

I looked at Black's sleeping from. There was a drink by his bed- the same one Pomfrey gave me before I fall down with exhaustion.

The sun was rising outside the windows, flooding the room with cold, December light.

Oh… no…


	46. Chapter 46

**Sirius Black:**

"I… I don't understand."

There was silence. Sirius looked at the Professors' grim faces, the stony expressions that shouldn't be there. Couldn't be there. He tore into them with eyes that burned, burned with the endless fires of hell, blazing terribly across his line of vision. They didn't return his gaze, looking anywhere but him- the Professors, the darn Professors that were suppose to be- pretended to be- so all knowing, so bloody _brilliant_, a bunch of cowards looking at their shoes and galloping down cold saliva.

"_I don't understand,"_ he said again, louder. His voice seemed different, higher; it had an unfamiliar edge of childishness, helplessness, some sort of… some sort of beg. _No. This is not happening. This _can't_ be happening._

"I DON'T UNDERTAND!"

And suddenly he was standing, standing on weak legs that couldn't support him but did anyway. And everyone jerked forward- or backward- wincing and lifting their arms to calm him, to make him sit again and relax.

Relax. What a joke.

_This _was a joke. They couldn't be… this wasn't real. It couldn't be real. It didn't make sense.

_It didn't make sense._

"Mr. Black, please, you're still hurt-"

He cursed, but for once, McGongall remained silent. He said it again, and then another word- words he hadn't used, ever, just heard his dad say every once in a while… Words that made everyone look away again. But that was good- make them suffer!

Why?

Why make them suffer? It wasn't their fault. It was Laurence. John Bloody Laurence- the thief, the murderer, the psychopath that killed Mr. Potter, who was like his dad. Who threatened to kill Mrs. Potter, which was more his mother then anyone woman in the world. And who killed… who killed…

But James wasn't dead.

Prongs couldn't be _dead._

The thought brought peace. Of course not. James couldn't be dead- it's James. Memories flashed across his conscious as Professor Dumbledore, McGongall, and Flitwick along with Madam Pomfrey eyed him with concern. Flying around on his broom during an intense Quidditch game. Transforming into Prongs. Flirting with Evans on the train, charming the Great Hall's ceiling to actually, literally, snow. Smiling, laughing, teasing, even studying, on the rare occasion _that_ happened.

James wasn't _dead._

He pulled the long locks of hair back, looking at the teachers calmly. A hint of a smile shone through his previous panic. What a prank that was! Avenging all the ones he ever pulled on them… Where was James, then? Hiding under one of the beds? In a moment he would spurt out with that goofy grin on his face. _Check it out, Pads! I've come back to life!_ Sirius threw his head back in a braking laugh. If the Professors weren't there, he would have transformed into Padfoot and barked joyously. _Dead…_

When he opened his eyes, they were red, puffy, and wet. He saw Dumbledore's sympathetic gaze threw a window of tears, witnessed McGongall pulling a cloth from thin air and wiping her damp eyes.

He was on his knees, slumped, defeated. James Potter wasn't dead. James Potter couldn't be dead.

Then how come he was?

**Remus Lupin:**

Blood on his hands.

Why was there bloody on his hands?

Where were the guys? Merlin, it was cold…

Remus pulled a blanket out of the wreckage. More messy then usual. Strange, all the walls so jittery and… didn't the marauders come? They usually calmed his wolf self down before he did too much damage… this cabin belonged to someone, after all, someone who wouldn't very much like the state of-

He turned around; saw the bloody mess silent on the floor.

Recognized it as Peter.

And fell.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Tragedies:**

It was the darkest morning ever to behold Hogwarts Castle.

The news of James Potter's death traveled in light year speed, and by breakfast every student of every year, gender or blood statues was talking about. Gossiping. God, they were gossiping- and for once in my life, I wasn't listening in order to gain information. For once in my life, I didn't want to know anything about it.

Half the girls were sobbing into their plates, most of the guys were unusually silent as they discussed it. I know some people may have thought James Potter was an idiotic jerk; one of those popular guys that had all these fake friends thanks to looks and money. He wasn't. He was smart, and talented, an amazing wizard and brilliant Quidditch player. All his friends loved him because he was sweet, and funny, and always ecstatic and happy. He was a loyal friend. A good person. A true Gryffindor: in blood and spirit.

The school was painted a black of grieving, as was the mourning Gryffindor Tower. A blanket of silence covered the halls, an imminent sadness that stuck to the walls, the floors, the air. There were no snowball fights on the grounds, no skating on the frozen lake. Were we not in vacation, classes would have been cancelled. And it was only a few hours after.

Sirius was taken to St. Mungo, to see the body. I didn't come with him, fearing I would kill Lily on the way there. She was still in the hospital, and wouldn't talk to me. She refused to come back. She was feeling guilty- and a good thing at that.

And the worst thing was? Remus and Peter didn't even know. They had not idea their gang leader was… was…

Was dead.

**Sirius Black:**

"Help me!"

He didn't look up. Sat there, in the lobby, with all these people- this sick people that were still alive- walking around whispering and yelling and trying to make each other feel better. He had looked at James. At his best friend, lying there, with his sightless eyes staring open into space. So pale and lifeless. A doll, a mere body that once held the most magnificent of souls…

"Please… please help me! I… please… he's alive, I know… I'm… I'm a werewolf, please… I didn't mean to… please…"

That voice was familiar. A hint of interest lit up in his chest, but the newfound darkness- the one he thought he had left behind; along with his Black heritage and number twelve Grimrald place- extinguished it immediately. What ever it was did not matter. What ever it was, couldn't possibly be any worst then this.

"Lupin. Remus Lupin. I'm registered, a known werewolf, yeah…"

Remus Lupin. Moony was here? What was Moony doing in St. Mungos? Remus was supposed to be in that cabin in the forest… transforming… he was on his way there when Bellatrix came… and James called…

James…

"I don't know! I don't know. I woke up, and I was… he was… bit him? I don't know. Merlin, I think I did! Please, please help… please… I'm sorry…"

James hadn't gone to Remus. Neither had he. Peter would have gone alone… and Peter wouldn't have been able to hold off a full grown werewolf…

Sirius looked up, the crowds of Healers swarming around his friends. One half naked, his cloths torn and hanging off him loosely. Covered in blood. The other nothing bud blood, gently laid on a bed and wheeled off to some room…

Remus was left alone. His desperate eyes met Sirius's, widened in surprise. Sirius looked away.

This was not happening.

**_MAJOR writer's block. do not even ASK._**

_Lauralanthalassa- I did NOT plan to go to 45 chapters... and only reach Christmas. I was actually under the impression that this was a SHORT story when I started... :-)_

_This is not AU. Figure it out. :-P MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!_

**_Hope you enjoyed!_**


	47. Chapter 47

From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona:**

This was not happening.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my trembling hands. I stared down at them, the pale, tiny fingers entwined together, holding on to a damp, white handkerchief. The sleek mattress upon which I was crouching, all huddled into myself like some sort of hunchback, crippled by disgust. Wait, not disgust… I don't even know what to call it. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to die.

Remus stood by the window, so motionless I considered checking if he didn't turn into stone. It was early morning and the streets of London were bustling outside- but in here, we were silent, mourning, grieving. The fiber of my handkerchief was coming loose. Remus's prematurely gray hair was moist with rain.

"How's Sirius taking it," I croaked, unable to bring myself to look at him. _Wasn't his fault. It's the wolf. He couldn't control it._

_I know. _

"Dunno."

That was it. That's been it ever since I got here- two syllable words, if I was lucky enough for a pair.

"Haven't you guys talked yet? Isn't he in the other room?"

"Dunno."

I closed my eyes, breathed, opened them. We were in Remus's room in the hospital. It was still Christmas. Peter Petteigrew was still unconscious. Remus Lupin had still bitten him. Sirius Black was still unresponsive, laying in his own bed, beyond the wall somewhere to our right. James Potter was still dead.

And I'd so hoped it was all a nightmare.

They came to me late last night, or early this morning. Some people from the hospital that were sent to inform friends and family. Said family was few: James was all alone, of course, Peter an orphan that grew up with muggles, so they weren't even notified. The Blacks ignored the message completely. Only Remus's parents, the two doctors Lupin, had returned from their vacation to deal with all the legal papers strewn about. They were situated in the lobby a few floors down, and like me, felt strange talking to their son.

We didn't _want _to. _I_ didn't want to feel like this: but Remus has always seemed like such a… well, not a normal werewolf. I could never imagine him actually biting anyone. Never worried about that. I mean, sure, it scared me, but it was the thought of him transforming, of my beloved love turning into a monster once a month that kept me away. I never thought… well…

He was a different person to me now.

He felt that way, too. I could tell. It was the strangest thing, but he wouldn't touch himself. Like- every part of the body had to be kept carefully in midair. He refused to look at me, or himself, and all the mirrors were ordered out of the room…

I breathed again. Damn tears.

"Coral?"

I looked up, surprised. He still wasn't looking at me.

"You can leave if you want."

"I don't want to."

Silence. I looked down at my hands again. If I were Aly, curses would have been running through my head.

Where _was _Aly? And Lily? I haven't seen them at all. Do they know? They'll be so shocked…

"Can you smell that?"

Remus turned to face me, his eyes oddly big and bloodshot.

"Smell what?" I asked, forcing myself to look at him. _You're being ridiculous. It's the same Remus._

_I know._

"That…smell." He frowned, but not the usual, thoughtful frown I loved. It was childish, unsure, scared. As if he was just… someone else. " Like… vibrating… food… I dunno…."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, standing up. He was staring at me, wide-eyed and unblinking. "Remus, you're scaring me. What is it?"

He looked at me silently for a moment more. I wanted to back away, but didn't. I wouldn't be that girl that left her boyfriend the moment some thing bad happened. I _love_ Remus. I won't leave him.

We'll get through this.

Finally he turned away, back to the window, to silent trance of before. I noticed my own shivering. Stopped. Forced my legs to move forward, my hand move and touch my love's warm, loving one. Let our touch drive the fear out of my heart.

His hand was ice under my fingers, stiff and cold.

I held on anyway.

**Lily Evans' Record of Past Events:**

I don't know what I was doing.

I was in the hospital. We were _all _in the hospital, though I can't imagine why. I was fine. Completely fine. I wasn't the one hurt. Wasn't the one chased half way across the country by a maniac Death Eater. Wasn't under the Imperius. Wasn't bitten. Didn't bite. Wasn't dead.

I just caused everything. That's it.

My hands kept shaking. I couldn't make them stop. It's been a full twenty-four hours since James died, and still his blank eyes would not leave my mind. I kept seeing it, kept experiencing it over and over again. I thought I would go mad. The shocked expression on his awestruck face. The moment of hesitation of what his replay would be to my ridiculously badly timed, random, unrelated claim. The fear that over came his decision on that last moment- the last moment before the sickly green color drove any image out of my mind, any image but his eyes, and the life that was always so plethora inside their hazel depths seeping out like the tears that never seemed to quit streaming down my own face.

I've given Dumbledore a full report of what happened. He told me about what James had- the first Potter ancestors to live in the house placed the curse against thieves. It's been so long since it had been reinforced, that it mutated, as spells are prone to do. There was no way to get Laurence out of there, dead or alive. Mrs. Potter would be forever inside there, with the man that had locked her away in her mind, without her son.

Sirius was broken. He barely talked at all, and spent all his time in the room he shared with Aly as the whole thing was being investigated by Aurors. James had asked for his help. And Bellatrix Black stopped him from helping. He feels guilty, as we all knew he would. But he shouldn't. It's not his fault. It's not even Laurence's fault.

It's mine.

Cause how would James Potter be more helpless, then without his friends?

And how would the dark effect Sirius black more thoroughly then being forved to become as dark as his hated family?

And… and Remus? Afraid of monsters- afraid of _the _monster, the one residing in his inner self… the werewolf…

I felt the tears burn my eyes, my throat, the raw skin around my eyes I had rubbed to thoroughly trying to get images out of my mind. Aly knew what I did. She had guessed it, of course, being Aly. She refused to talk to me- and I do not blame her at all. I haven't seen Coral, yet, but once she figures it out…

I had to tell someone.

I couldn't tell anyone.

It was my entire fault.

And I couldn't tell anyone.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Tragedies:**

"Sirius, if you don't say something, I'm gonna smack the life out of you."

He looked up at me, tired, sad, dead. Wait, no. Not dead. That was James.

And, consequently, the Marauders.

"You can't just sit here and do nothing forever, Sirius. Get up. Go visit Remus."

He shook his head, biting the torn, bloody flesh of his lip. He has been doing that a lot in the past few hours.

I stood up from my bed, (to his great protest) and came to sit right next to him in the black chair that stood somewhere in the shadowy corner.

I didn't say anything, staring determinedly into his eyes. He was going to talk to me, whether he wanted to or not.

He turned his head away. I kept staring.

Suddenly, I saw the gray eyes swarm with something unfamiliar- something wet and foreign. I placed a hand on top of his. He sighed.

"It's my fault, Aly," he whispered. I said nothing, letting him speak. "I… I could have gone… I should have gone. When Dumbledore go there. Before Dumbledore go there. He's-was… he called me! He called me and I swore, Aly, I _swore _I'll help him… and I never did. Even when I could, when the spell was off, I still… I should have been able to put it off earlier. I could have. It wasn't so hard once I did it- I could've… Should've…"

I placed my head on his chest, and he hugged me. "It's not your fault," I murmured, just loud enough for him to hear. "You did everything you could. You wouldn't have been able to do much better then Lily, not just having escaped Imperius. Don't let me hear you say that ever again."

He said nothing, but I felt his arm tense around me. I told myself that it was protectiveness.

But I know better.

He didn't believe me.

**Peter Pettigrew:**

He couldn't move.

Why couldn't he move?

Peter swallowed the cold spit accumulating in his stiff mouth. It burned like acid passing though his throat, driving him into a fit of coughs, which brought tears to his already stinging eyes. Which were still closed, painful, and swollen. A strange noise emitted from his coarse vocal cords. He wasn't sure what exactly to call it.

A cold hand. On his forehead.

This had never happened before.

"Mr. Pettigrew? Can you hear me?"

He tried to make the noise again, but it didn't work. Instead, a wheezing sort of hollow whisper made hi slips tingle. The nurse giggled.

"Come on, Mr. Pettigrew. Open your eyes."

Eyes? What eyes? Oh, those big, bursting bowling-balls behind his strained eyelids.

That made sense.

"That's it. Open up."

Oh, God, the sun was bright. Or whatever was lighting the room- he couldn't see anything. Just… blinding, luminous whiteness.

He blinked- barely- feeling actual muscles in his eyes. Muscles. In his eyes.

And then everything was brought into focus.

She was a red head woman, wearing the usual nurse uniform, which hugged her stretched, pregnant belly in a way that looked very uncomfortable. Her kind eyes looked at him with amusement.

"Well, isn't that better?" her smile was radiant. He couldn't look away, and not only because his eyeballs refused to move. "I'll alert the Healer that you're awake, Mr. Pettigrew. Your friends would be thrilled."

Peter tried saying something as she moved closer to what must have been the door, but all he could produce was a loud, grudging noise he'd rather never make again in his life. He stared up at the bright ceiling, unable to move his head and see anything else.

"You must be shocked," the nurse said, returning to his line of vision. Her belly dominated it quite fully. "I couldn't imagine, waking up like this. With strangers. Oh, my, and where are my manners? I'm nurse Weasley, dear. You're at St. Mungo's."

_Why?_ He wanted to ask, but couldn't. Nurse Weasley was putting a pink lotion on his arm, which felt cold and numb. She was humming something and rubbing her stomach.

"Molly? Are you in here?" A man entered. He was obviously the Healer, with the notepad and his wand already out, ready for inspection. "Peter! So nice to see you awake, my boy!"

Growling sound again. Grr.

"I'm Healer Brose… how is he doing, Molly?"

"Fine," she said. "The external wounds seem to be healing well. Except for… well." They were both looking at something stinging on his bare chest.

Strange sound again. Elephants should have rampaged to the room for that one.

The two healers exchanged looks.

"I'll go get Mr. Black," said Molly.


	48. Chapter 48

From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:

**Sirius Black:**

"A… a werewolf?"

Remus stared at the ground, slightly unstable on his legs. He looked like a first grader who stole someone else's animal crackers. Sirius kept having to remind himself his friend was still the same nerdy rebel of two days ago.

"You made me… you made me…"

Peter's eyes were big. Shocked. Petrified.

Accusing.

"It's not so bad, Pete. We'll just have to have two werewolves in the-"

"But I- you said- you were supposed to be there, Sirius! You, and James- you promised you'll be there and calm _him_ before-"

"I'm right here," Remus said, guilt and irritation mixing on his oddly crazed face. "They promised me they'll be there, too, you know! How do you think I feel, biting one of my best friends-"

"Oh, I'm _so sorry,_ you had to suffer such trauma! For you it was probably a well awaited meal, anyway-"

"WHAT?! You think I _want _to be this? You think I _enjoy_ it? If I could take back ever calling you guys for that transformation, ever deciding I need company for _any _transformation at all, I would-"

"You _bit me! _You made me into a horrible, hideous, senseless monster, forever starving for human flesh!"

"Is that what you think I am? A monster? I thought you understood, Peter, that-"

"Will the two of you shut up?"

They both looked over at Sirius, anger, guilt, and hate still lingering in their energized expressions. Peter rubbed the bandages across his chest. Remus looked back down, keeping a fair distance from any reflective surface.

"Wormtail, really, I'm sorry of what happened. I'm sure Moony didn't mean it. But we all know being a werewolf isn't the end of the world. You'll stay the same, only once a month you'll have to go away. That's it."

"Oh, and I guess you would know!?"

"I know," Sirius sounded foreboding even to himself "that you're still breathing, Pete."

Silence. Each looked down, trying not to think of… anything.

"You weren't joking, then," Peter murmured, staring at the potions bubbling by his bed. "He's really…"

"Why would we _ever_ joke about something like that?" Remus demanded, angry.

Peter mumbled something about always joking about _something. _Sirius rubbed his temples tiredly.

"I saw the body, Wormtail. I… he's dead."

The word echoed around the still room for a while, locking them all in their own minds. After a while, Peter cleared his throat.

"So what now?"

They exchanged looks.

The quiet reined on.

**Peter Pettigrew:**

He was a werewolf.

What a strange notion.

Werewolf.

A man, that was a wolf.

Like Remus.

Werewolf.

Hmm.

He didn't feel any different. Not now, anyway. A bit woozy, but those would be the painless potions. Not any particular wish for meat. Blood still made him shiver.

Maybe he'll finally get facial hair.

"You're still in shock, I except," Molly, who was now his personal nurse until he left, had said before. "Especially having known a werewolf for such a long time, you wouldn't be aware of the complications quite yet."

Peter had to disagree. He knew exactly what the consequences would be… specifically because he knew Remus. The pain. The doomed future. The premature aging.

"A werewolf, huh?"

He looked up, surprised. It was night, and both Sirius and Remus had gone back to their rooms at the physiological floor of the hospital, where they were being treated for trauma or something like that. Apparently Sirius was diagnosed with depression and Remus… well, they weren't exactly sure what was wrong with Remus. He was acting very strangely. Like the night before a full moon, all instinctive and stuff, only the full moon has been past for days now.

A girl stood in the corner. Peter straightened up in bed, recognizing, Vanessa Jorks.

"Don't bother moving. You couldn't possibly look any worse then you already look." She came closer, sitting on his bed. Peter blushed, smiling at her with welcome.

"I thought you'd never come."

Vanessa sneered. "I'm your girlfriend, you fool. Of course I came." She took off her school robe, carefully placing it on the bedside dresser, the green Slytherin snake eyeing them disapprovingly. "I'm not sure whether to think of this as totally disgusting or really cool. I sure do like scars."

Peter grinned, as Van pulled away the blanket and nightwear that covered his bloodied bandages. She whistled with appreciation. "I'm glad you like it," he joked, feeling oddly happy.

"Yeah. Just don't ask what I had to do to get here. Slughorn thinks I'm home." She rolled her eyes. "See, my dad's become instantly, deathly ill." She laid her head on the bandaged chest, playing with the bloodstains. "Maybe it's all the alcohol."

Peter placed two arms around her microscopic body. She was as cold and stiff as ever, but he didn't mind. Like she never paid interest to his sufficient lack of any manly muscle or such. They fit together, with all their imperfections. Of course, no one else saw it that way.

"You know, if I were you, I would report that werewolf to the ministry. If you make a good case, it could go to Azkaban."

Peter ran a hand through Van's dirty blonde hair. "Remus didn't mean it. He's my friend."

Van scoffed skeptically. "Friend. Right. I won't be surprised if they planned the whole thing, those Gryffindors you call your _friends_. Something's certainly fishy about the whole thing. Have you noticed any witnesses to the proposed imperious are from the Black family, or that dumb old nutcase, Dumbledore?"

"But Alyson Morla was there, and she-"

"Has Black relatives. It's all a conspiracy. I told you they never really cared about you."

Peter didn't answer her. He never thought of it that way.

"And even if it's not," her high, needy voice rose from his chest, where she cuddled. "You can't still consider him your friend. I mean the guy ripped your body open. He doomed you to a loveless, friendless, jobless future."

"I… what?"

Van sat up, unraveling herself from his arms. She gave him a sad little smile.

"But…" Peter gaped at her, horrorstricken. "Loveless?"

"Come on now, Peter. You can't expect me to- Not only are you a Gryffindor, friends with a disgraced Black, and practically a squib, you're also a… a… an animal, Merlin's Beard. It's been fun, but you can't expect me to stay."

She stood up, pulling her robe on as she did. Peter sat on his bed, speechless as she left.

"Oh, and don't blame me, sweetie," she looked back, whispering while opening the door. "Blame that werewolf that did this to you. On purpose."

And she was gone.

**Remus Lupin:**

Two dark, night blue eyes stared back at him vulnerably from the bathroom's mirror.

Big, shadowed, and unfamiliar. There was a new, yellowish glow in them he didn't recognize. Something different. Something wild.

_You're becoming a wolf without the full moon._

_Am not. That's stupid._

He was washing his hands, again, with soap and also some glass cleaning potion he snatched from the nurse's station down the hall. They still felt… wet. And moist. And red.

The towel was already damp from the last time he'd been in here, rubbing his stinging hands roughly and furiously twenty-seven minutes ago. Soon he'd have to get in the shower again, just to get rid of the rough feeling in his feet. Like ripped flesh. Like broken, shattered bone.

He brushed his teeth. The weird taste lingered on.

Coral was in the other room, with his mum and the mind healer that was supposed to make this all go away. Up till now, all she did was ask him unrelated questions about the transformations. Not even_ the_ transformation. All of which were completely unimportant.

He didn't want to go back outside. It was so bright in there. The windows must be messed up by some magic- he never remembered the sun being so blinding before.

Here, in the dark bathroom, he could relax, breath. Without that smell in his room. In all the rooms.

Just him, and the water, and the darkness.

None of those careful, worried expressions everyone had when they looked at him now. As if they didn't know him anymore.

Understandable. He didn't know himself.

"Remy?"

Coral. Sweet, fragile Coral. She didn't need this. She didn't deserve this. He tried telling her, once, before they over got serious. Tell her she doesn't want to get involved with someone like him. Now she couldn't leave, though he could tell how horribly he scared her. She was too brave, too loving toward what they used to have, too loyal, to go.

"Remy? I have to take off now. I'll be back tomorrow morning, ok? I swear. And Healer Ailes says she'll come by later- she's gonna go see Sirius now. Are you ok in there?"

"Yeah," he said back, just loud enough for her to hear. The weird smell increased again. What _was _that? So seducing, as if… as if…

"I'm heading out, too, honey. Your father would be done with the LawWiz by now. He might need some help."

"Alright, Mum."

Once they were gone, he shoot one last look to the mirror, and stepped out to his room.

There was no one there. The door and window was closed, the bed made, everything strikingly bright, and hospital-white.

The smell wasn't there, even.

Remus's eyes grew wide, his breaths came short and shocked.

_It's _them_,_ he thought, his heart beating. _The smell comes from them._

_From humans._

_Human flesh. Yes. Told you you're becoming a werewolf._

_No. No!_

The wolf laughed.

**Sirius Black:**

Peter was different.

Sirius could tell the second he stepped into the room. Remus was already there; looking so exhausted it was doubtful he'd gotten any sleep at all that night. He sat on the small visitors' chair, at the corner of the room, far away from the window, the door, the bathroom and Peter, all at the same time. (An impressive fit.) He kept his hands tensed at both his sides, clutching the chair's edge so hard it seemed as if he was literally sitting on a pail of nails. And saws. A few knives. With gunmen, pirates, and escaped convicts surrounding his chair, pointing varied weapons right at him.

Peter was in the bed, his jaw set so tightly it may as well have been glued together. He glared at the end of his bed, his eyes so focused on the wood Sirius had to check and see there actually wasn't anything worth seeing taped onto it. A blanket of silence suffocated the room, still and furious.

Last night's argument, apparently, was not forgotten. Feeling like he really didn't give a bleeding shit anymore Sirius situated himself on the cold, white floor, his back to the door.

"What is it?" he asked, trying to sound like he _did_ give a bleeding shit about the two's unhelpful conflict.

No one said anything for a while.

"Vanessa came over last night," Peter said thinly. Sirius heard acid in his voice, but decided to ignore it.

"That's great, Pete. How are you guys-"

"Stupid Slytherins," Remus found it appropriate to murmur. Sirius would have sent him a murderous glare, but he just didn't have the will or energy for it. Peter's head shot up toward Remus, angry and loathing.

"Don't you dare say a word about her, you betraying, deceiving, moon loving _animal._"

There was a shocked pause, as Remus stared at the smaller boy with disbelief. Sirius put his head on the cool door surface behind him. That would be Vanessa talking.

"I- how- "

"Oh, shut it," Peter's voice was so venomous, so hating; Remus actually did close his gaping mouth. "You planned the whole thing, didn't you? You _wanted _me to become this… this… _thing. _Like _you._ What, were you feeling too lonely? Poor, poor Remus, all alone in the-"

"I would never _think_ of biting you- anyone- just so I could be- won't be alone," Remus said, sounding very unsure in himself. Sirius didn't move, trying to block the two of them out.

"Yeah. No, of course not." The mock was evident in Peter's breaking voice. "I understand why you would do it to me, you know. I've never been really part of the group, have I? Not good enough for you guys?" Remus made a protest sound, small and weak. Sirius didn't bother. "But what did James do to you, you had to kill him? Wanted leadership to yourself, or-"

"Wormtail! What are you _saying?!_ That we killed Prongs? How can you ever-"

"Ever the innocent, aren't you, Lupin?!" Peter yelled. "The needy werewolf, the sick, futureless werewolf! As if you weren't one of the most popular, smart, known guys in school! Did you mean to kill me, too? Need more practice with this murder thing, Sirius managed to kill James easily enough-"

"How can you even _consider _the thought of the possibility that any of us would ever-"

"_You did this to me!" _Peter screamed, standing up. "_You made me this way! On purpose! You ruined my life, I might as well be dead!"_

Remus was still sitting on his chair, pale and shocked. The hurt and self-conflict conquered his face.

_The funeral is in two days._ Sirius thought suddenly. _Wonder how much it would matter, to bury two people rather then one._

Where was his wand, anyway?

"Well, it's been nice, guys," he said, standing up. "I'm glad we can all grieve Prongs together."

_Avada Kedavra_ he thought.

_What does it feel like, to die?_

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Tragedies:**

They let me and Lily go back to school two nights after… everything. Lily did, hurrying off without ever meeting my eyes. She and Coral came every morning, and left every night. I decided to stay nights, too. Sirius needed me. I wasn't about to abandon him like that. He deserved better.

I tried to get his mind off things: from stupid, mindless chatter to TWH discussions and even, at some point, I offered sex. He gave me this shocked, pitying look as if I'd gone as mad as he. Eventually I just lay on his bed next to him, as depressed and silent as he had become.

But then, he started… talking.

Not just talking, obviously. Not about homework or the next minister elections. He kept saying these strange things… all about knives, and ropes, and curses I'd rather not think about. In his sleep, I heard him murmur the deathly unforgivable curse, over and over again, to the point that I just… had to leave.

So I did.

I never saw Sirius Black again.

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

And just like that, in the middle of the night, the funeral arrangements were to be doubled.

Sirius Black had committed suicide, alone in his isolated room. Aly found him, lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. He could have used the Avada Kedavra; his wand was right there. He found it more… appropriate, I guess, to use a surgical knife. And push it into his chest, right over his heart.

Aly was devastated, though she wouldn't have shown it. She kept giggling randomly, but then at the same time her eyes would swarm with tears. She wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even _look_ at me. When I tried to comfort her, she pushed me away.

But this isn't about me.

Remus had… well, he'd lost it. He attacked Coral. The Healers called it the Wolf Syndrome, and apparently, it wasn't all that rare. It's a state of mind in which the werewolf confuses the wolf and man inside himself, loses control and thinks it's a full moon, all the time.

This was my fault. All of it. If it weren't for my… horrendous potion, James and Sirius would be alive, and Remus… he'd be… not tied down to the bed, screaming and kicking for human blood. I caused this. And I couldn't stand it.

It was early morning. The funeral had ended the night before, hurriedly joining both seventeen year olds who had passed. Aly was sobbing half way through. I've never seen her shed a tear, never mind sob. My eyes sting at the thought of her puffy red eyes, the beautiful black dress she wore- the same one she had for the last dance at Hogwarts. Her makeup got all messed up, turning her uncharacteristically pale face into a black hole, all contorted with her pain as she clutched her stomach, never even bothering to hide her sorrow.

Coral wasn't there. She was with Remus, still in the hospital. The healers said he wouldn't do well in the funeral. He might be… he may 'transform' as a reaction to all the people present.

But the funeral was already past. James and Sirius were under ground, sleeping forever. It just occurred to me how young we were. Seventeen. All their lived they've been locked behind walls and books in school, at home… they've never even had a chance to grow up. To spread their wings and fly to whatever it was they could have become. And we all know how far they would have been able to go, given the chance.

That morning, I walked from room to room, staring at its inhabitants.

I saw the death room, filled to the top with shelves and shelves of dead, lifeless bodies. James used to be there, his face forever frozen with that one moment of awe. That picture would always remain in my mind: his lifeless skin, the black hair, wet with sweat, the hazel eyes staring at me accusingly. No, not accusingly. Unlike all the others, James just… looked at me, as if… he understood. As if he knew what I did, but he… forgave me.

I passed by Sirius's old room. Aly was lying, motionless, on the freshly cleaned mattress. She was staring up at the ceiling, a black rose held in her arms. It must have been wild, because the thorns were still there- cutting deep, red marks into her arms.

Remus's room was just next-door. The door was closed, and I heard Coral scream and gasp inside. Remus was yelling incoherently, barking, howling, and Healers on both sides called to each other to bring potions, bring sedatives, bring _something!_ Coral came out after a few moments, her eyes wet and frightened.

She looked at me.

She's talked to Aly.

She looked away.

I hurried away, off to Peter's room. He was alone in his bed, rubbing the bandage, his face set in a frown. I remembered him from before- jolly, shy, sweet. Now he scowled at me, making his teeth visible. _I'll bite you,_ his stance said. _I'll bite you the first chance I get._

Their faces whirled around in my head, hating, accusing, and angry. Their eyes stared at me, their mouths contorted as they yelled their protest. My friends. My enemies.

I left the hospital, apparating away.

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona:**

He is hurting me.

When I was younger, my mum would tell me about boys. She said having a boyfriend could be the most amazing thing in the world- or the worst. She gave me rules to see if they're good enough or not.

A boy had to be sensitive. He had to have a brain. He had to be able to have a conversation with me. He had to be fun. He had to understand.

He couldn't be demanding. He couldn't be unforgiving. He couldn't push his beliefs on to me. He couldn't cheat, lie, or be in any way manipulative.

And he could never, ever, _ever _hurt me.

Remus is hurting me. He's biting, and shouting insults, and scratching and kicking and hitting… but it isn't _Remus._ It's the wolf.

But Remus _is _the wolf.

Or rather: the wolf has become Remus.

I don't know what to do. If my mum were here, she would tell me to leave. Immediately. This is unlikely to go away, she would say. He'll stay like this- or get better, and then worse again. A mind illness is incurable, even with the best, newest of the remedial spells and potions. This won't get any better.

But I love Remus. I've loved him ever since I've first truly seen him- third year, on the very first DADA class. He was everything he was supposed to be. And he loved me, too.

I can't leave him.

I'd stay by his side. I have to.

But I'm not sure… not sure I _want_ to.

It's one thing to love a boy who also happens to be a werewolf. But Remus… he isn't even human anymore.

We could never get married. He could never even finish school, he'll never get a job, and children are out of the question. I can't… we can't… _live. _It'll just be me, by his hospital bed, for all eternity.

Until one of us dies.

I can't do that!

But…

But I love him.

No. I love the man he used to be.

The man he might be again.

But… what if this is permanent? What if this is my future? Trying to calm the wolf? Drowning in memories of the intelligent being he used to be, while here I sit, by the side of this… creature that I used to love?

I still love.

Do I?

Yes. Of course I do. It's _Remus._

Isn't it?

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Tragedies:**

Did he feel it?

I wonder. What does it feel like, to die?

I bet it hurts. Like: there's the pain that actually killed you, and then it just goes away. Momentarily, it's all gone, and you're floating around in a black darkness, your eyes open, your ears in tune, but you can't see, or hear, or smell or taste or touch. And you stay there. Forever. Until you go mad: until you've screamed and screamed and no one ever called back, and you aren't sure they heard you because you didn't hear yourself. And then finally, you're so crazy you start hurting yourself- biting and scratching, ripping the skin off the body you can't feel, see, or touch. And then suddenly- a bright, blindingly green light washes over everything, and all the pain of all your life is condensed into one, eternal moment, which hangs over you, for the rest of infinity.

I hope Sirius Black is in pain.

I hope he's in so much pain, he regrets ever having done such a stupid, pointless, selfish thing.

Suicide. I can't believe how I actually _cared _about him, ever. God. Stupid, egoistic _Black._

I hope it hurts. I hope it'll hurt forever. And if it hurts Potter, too, well, that's just fine by me. Went and got himself killed by his own step dad. Idiot. And if Lily falls off a cliff all of a sudden and joins the charade, well, that's just jolly!

Why do they think I would care? Why should I care? I don't care. I don't give a… I'll just keep living like I always have. People died on me before. My brother drowned. Lily's parents were like my own- and now her mum's dead and her dad's in the hospital, still suffering from the horrible burns of that muggle fire. In critical state. I need to worry about him, not linger on about… about Sirius Black.

Stupid, selfish, egoistic, self-adoring Sirius Black.

The ink is blotched because I'm spitting in disgust at the thought of his face. It's not tears. It looks like tears, but it's not.

I don't care.

I _do not_ care.

I'm glad he's in the ground. Easier to step on him.

My lips don't tingle with the secret wish to feel his lips on mine.

My arms don't ach to hug him.

My waist isn't cold without his big, warm hands surrounding it.

My eyes aren't longing to hold his sight in them again.

I don't care that he's dead.

I. Don't. Care.

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

"I'm sorry."

The tomb was silent. Of course the tomb was silent- it was a tomb.

"I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry I killed you."

Autumn leaves flew with the wind over the snow cupped stone statues. The dead glared at me from the earth. I was cold and scared, but I didn't care.

"I killed you. I brew a potion to make your worst nightmare come to life. I'm sorry, James. So sorry. I never meant for this to happen."

The tears froze as they slid down my face. I didn't wipe them off, treasuring the stinging pain on my skin.

"I know it's too late. Too late now. But I can fix it. I'll make it better."

The tomb remained unmoving. What did I think would happen? Why would anything change?

"This isn't how your life was supposed to end James. " I sobbed, falling to my knees in the snow. "You were supposed to live a long, happy life and die in your bed at two hundred and three. With a big, talkative family surrounding you as you slipped away while sleeping." The wind was getting stronger. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so so so sorry. But these… they're just words," I spat. "I'm going to fix it. I can fix this.

"I'll see you, James Potter. We'll meet again."

I stood up.

Turned around.

And apparated away.


	49. Chapter 49

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

The bathroom door closed behind me.

The cauldron was inside, just like I left it before lunch. The liquid within sizzled a bright pink. The air was dense and heavy, filling the small room with impossible mist. I blinked away the last of the tears that stained my face, sitting down by the great text which was stranded, open, by the potion.

The potion.

The potion?

Oh my God, the potion!

The book was open, revealing pages on pages of complex formulas I was ashamed to comprehend. Outside the door, I could hear Aly and Coral banging on the loudly, yelling for me to open and tell them what happened at lunch. The still unfinished tonic boiled at me feet.

I made it. He did it! I made it!

I was back.

I didn't think. Before my other self's doubts and madness got to me, like he said it might, I pushed the massive cauldron off balance, burning my hands raw in the effort to spill boiling hot liquid all over the floor. With a yelp I jumped onto one of the counters, keeping my feet a fair distance from the furious water. I couldn't help it- I laughed, an insane, relieved laugh that let out all the unexpressed emotion from the past week- the future week- the one that I will never let happen again.

Feeling an odd yet addictive happiness, I hurried to open all the faucets in the room, along with the small window stationed right over the toilet, straining to keep myself out of the path of the raising ocean. Below me, the potion was turning an odd gray color. The priceless, ancient text was floating in the water, ruined forever more.

I laughed.

And I laughed.

And I laughed.

It was all coming back to me.

Just like he said- my other self's memories and my own fused together, making the last week of My life become more foggy as Her recent memories sprung into focus. I remembered the fight I had with Potter that day, the last day of school before Winter Break. I remembered arguing over who started the fight by the river… God, was that a stupid subject to fight about! But it didn't matter anymore. James was alive- Sirius was alive, Remus wasn't crazy, Peter wasn't a werewolf… everything was back the way it was supposed to be. I had fixed it- I managed to bring it all back to order. Now Aly would again fall for Sirius, and Coral and Remus would spend a romantic vacation, together. And finally- _finally-_ I could tell James that I love him.

And he won't die five seconds before saying it back.

This was _so. Damn. Perfect!_

My future self's depressing thoughts lingered on. _The worst fears._

I couldn't let this all happen again. I _couldn't._

Waving my wand across the filthy floor, I watched as the potion disintegrated before my eyes, leaving but a scorch mark on the ground as a reminder of my past-future.

I hurried onto the floor, my feet tentative at first. But it was gone- all gone. I rushed into my room, pulled a new, clean parchment out of my still packed school bag, along with a quill and some ink.

In careful, focused stroked I wrote the following reminder:

_Remus Lupin: Monsters. Or rather- becoming a monster. Becoming the monster that resides inside him, turning into what the vicious wolf wants him to be._

_Peter Pettigrew: Becoming a werewolf._

_Sirius Black: Darkness. Becoming dark. Turning into the dark being his black family wants him to be- hating of all things not like him, prejudiced for blood or condition, taking joy in the pain of others. _

My hand shook as I wrote the last entry.

_James Potter: Helplessness. Being helpless against his stepfather, with none of his friends by his sides- wandless, orphaned, and alone. Helplessness against guarding the ones he loved. Helplessness against _doing _something. Helplessness against death._

I put the quill down.

There was a knock on the door.

"Open up, Evans!"

James Potter, banging at my door.

What did _he _want?! I thought, before catching myself. This was the Past Me talking. I would do anything to talk to James right now.

"Go away!" I yelled, and then froze. What was going on?

"Look, I'm sorry, ok? That's all I want to say!"

My past self has taken control. _No. He never said anything about her refusing my will. _I couldn't let everything happen all over again!

"Evans, we gotta talk!"

I tried forcing a sound out of my numb mouth. Nothing. Maybe we would be taking turns, then? I destroyed the potion, commanding this body we share for the first few hours, and now… now it was her turn- to ruin everything.

"I didn't mean to yell at you," James said, oblivious to the battle raging inside me on the opposite side of the door. "I didn't mean to fight. I didn't mean to fight last week, either. I just get… caught in the moment.

_You'll be seriously caught in the moment once I'm done with you,_ I thought. Then I recoiled, disgusted. Had I really been so… so…

"Please open. I gotta talk to you. We gotta stop doing this."

_**You**__ gotta stop doing this. I've done nothing wrong. _

"Do you realize this is like, the third time I apologize to you this year? That's not all that common, you know. You must be something special to achieve that high honor."

_Huh. Funny. Not._ I had to get control. There had to be a way to push her away- but where? She was a soul, too, perhaps more naïve and stupid then I was now but still _me._

"Come on Evans," he was sounding desperate. "If you let me in, I'll tell you a secret!"

_Pathetic. _Secret? I don't remember any secret…

"I'm not really going to my uncle," he said. It was more of a whisper. Oh dear Merlin, I thought, remembering. "I'm… I'm going home. To my step dad. But I can't tell anyone, cause-"

"He doesn't want people to know you're related?"

If the other me was solid, I was have cursed her. Please, say I've never- never said anything so vile, so… so… selfish and… If I had just listened to that last… secret, instead of taking it as another lame joke, I could have stopped all of it! I could have- should have-

I waited for an answer. I sat there, looking at the door with concentration. He always answered me. Potter always answered my bad mouthing. He always said something back. Always challenged me right back.

I went to the door, open it an inch.

There was no one there. Potter's door was closed, and I heard him packing his staff inside.

Angry and surprised, I closed my door, relocking it. With frustrated steps I made my way back to the bathroom.

As my hand was on the handle, I stopped.

_Get out._ I told the creature with in me, the one that was saying these terrible things. _Doing _these terrible things. _Get out._

There was no answer.

There was no one there.

I turned around, hopeful, and strode confidently to the door. I had to apologize- now would be the perfect time to tell James how I felt. It would be the opportunity to say everything I've always held back. The exact moment to tell him not to go to his step-

I stopped mid-stride, almost trembling over the air.

_Let go of me! _I called to Past Me, feeling panic overwhelm me. I had to get rid of her! Had to get rid of this evil version of me-

But, she was still… me.

She wasn't evil, she was confused. Angry. Scared. In denial.

And she was _me._

I can't fight _myself._

So I stopped fighting.

As the minutes passed, I stood unmoving in the middle of my room, staring at the opposite wall.

Slowly, the iron grip clutching at my insides subsided. It was just like he had said- we were fusing together. Becoming one.

Finally, she was part of me. I was part of her. I suddenly felt resentment and hate toward James Potter, at the same time longing for his touch. As his coming back to life thrilled me inside, my mum's death was now all too fresh in my mind.

It was an odd feeling, one I knew I'd forever know.

I moved toward the door. Nothing stopped me. This was it. I was going to tell James Potter I loved him… again.

I opened the door, adrenaline pumping blood into my system right before-

Before it was all pumped out again just as quickly.

Because there, right by the fireplace, stood James- my James- under an early decoration mistletoe.

Hugging Jessica Norman.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

Lily hasn't left her room since that fight with Potter.

I honestly have no idea what's wrong with her. God, she can be annoying- I mean, she pulled strange stunts before, and I know her mum just died and all, but really! No need to get SO overdramatic!

It's now night, and we are seated in the comfy seats of the Hogwarts Express. 'Us' is me, Coral, Black, Potter, and Remus. Oh, and Peter, of course. Can never remember him. We're on our way to London- home. Apparently it's been arranged that I sit with all these losers over here (the marauders, I mean, excluding Remus. Sometimes.), since Coral really must sit next to the man she'll be spending the next two weeks huddling with.

_They _don't have to look forward to a sucking room in the local inn, a stupid job as some cleaning waitress, a second stupid job as some cleaning waitress, or Sirius Black running them insane. So really, they have nothing to complain about.

I am obviously not looking forward to this vacation.

The sun is down, and the moon is up. We should be arriving in London at around midnight. Oh, the joy! So not. I'll be getting on the night bus, with that idiotic Ernie guy telling jokes all the way to the Leaky Cauldron.

God, Black just asked me what I'm doing. He's so noisy! And annoying! I wish I could just take his overly big head and kick it at the window or something. Merlin.

He's sitting in front of me, 'playing' wizard chess with Potter. Pettigrew is hamming something to my right. No one seems really focused. Everyone's looking out the window.

And I just checked- again- and there's nothing out the window. Just a very big, just-about-full, spectacularly beautiful moon.

Wonder what that's all about.

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona:**

There's this horrible feeling in my stomach.

I don't know what it is. It's like- well, every time I look at Remus, I just… can't help but look away. It's horrible! I can barely kiss him anymore… and the full moon is tomorrow. I need to be there for him, otherwise… well…

I don't know what's going on. It's as if I had a really horrible dream that I can't remember. Aly says she doesn't know what I'm talking about- I was sleeping like a baby, as usual, she said. But I can't help but worry.

When I told her that, she said she'd known that for centuries.

We're in Remus's apartment, and he's reading a book whole I write. I love looking at him- those adorable dimples on both cheeks, and that thoughtful look he gets when he concentrates. He looks so comfortable. So calm.

Then why am I so… not?

I don't understand this. Everything was fine yesterday. Everything was perfect.

It's like he's a different person to me now…

**Peter Pettigrew:**

It was a dream.

It was a nightmare.

It wasn't real.

He wasn't a werewolf.

_Remus_ was the werewolf. He was _Peter_- and the guys would have never let anything like that happen.

Peter looked around miserably. He was sitting in the park, staring at the starry sky above him. Thoughts and memories flooded his mind.

Thoughts of pain. Memories of big, sharp claws ripping his flesh, glistening teeth dripping slobber over his shredded body. Two yellow, crazed eyes staring down at him; the eyes of a hunter. The eyes of the wolf.

Remus.

_Remus would never do that._

_Remus already did that._

_But James isn't dead._

_Then something brought him back to life._

_That's ridiculous._

_You are a werewolf._

_I am no!_

_You were._

**From James Potter's Journal:**

_I was dead._

I looked out the window of the coffee house, sipping the bitter muggle drink by way of habit. It was getting dark. I had to get to the Potter Manor soon, before mum got worried.

_I remember being dead._

Of course, I didn't _want_ to get home. As much as I missed my mother, I knew I would never find her like I wanted- the way she used to be, before. She would be either drinking, or moaning, or incoherent in her sobs. And I'll be left with Laurence, and he would smirk, and I would-

_He killed me. I remember- green light, evil laugh, red hair dulled into blackness…_

-have to take it, because if I didn't he'll kill mum. Merlin, I wish I could just move on with my life. Maybe I could bunk with Sirius for a while… just until we graduate. I don't need the inheritance, hell- I'm a Potter! I can be whatever I wanna be!

_And mum. Mum was dead, too. Lying on the mattress, cold and white and lifeless-_

I can't leave mum alone, though. Can't let him do what he does with her. But what DOES he do with her? She _likes _it. That's why she bloody married him.

_The Imperius. He used the Imperius so she would love him… he wanted her money, and dad just died and she was vulnerable-_

Where are these thoughts coming from?

_A nightmare. A dream._

No. No, it's too real. It can't be a dream. It's seems like…

_Another world._

That…

_Another time._

No, it can't be…

_Another reality._

**_This may be kind of confusing. Hang on a few more chapters- I promise, by chapter fifty or fifty one in the most everything would be explained._**

**_Unless you wanna guess, of course. I enjoy your assumpsions. Everyone seems to be in favor of a time turner._**

**_Thanks to all the reviewers! I could never imagine breaking 700... But we're only two away!!_**

**_!!_**

**_-Autumn_**


	50. Chapter 50

From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:

_**Hi everyone! We're sortta having a review of Christmas events, as they should have been… Before Bellatrix, and Laurence, and the full moon. So if you remember this very vividly, you don't really need to read some parts of the chapter, because they're exactly the same as chapter 34. Well, the Sirius/Aly bit is- the things with lily and the others at the bottom are new.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities:**

Sirius Black just

I just came back from

I've never realized how much

I can't

Crap! I don't even know where to start! It's just- AHH!!

Alright. Ok, err… it's night. Well, afternoon. And it's the first day of Christmas Break. And I'm supposed to be working, but I can't, because I dropped a steaming hot coffee cup on one of the customers and tripped over air, starting a chain reaction that resulted in the destruction of half the bloody restaurant. So my supervisor told me to get a hold of myself in my room, and then come back.

I'm just so… God, I'm so…

Scared. Petrified. Surprised. Happy.

Scared.

I think I should start from the beginning. That would be best, right? The beginning… I wrote yesterday about the train… Merlin, I can't believe I actually wrote that… It's so wrong! Oh… Merlin's Beard… ok, I know. I'll start this morning. This morning, when I woke up in this very room, my new home for the next two weeks of vacation. In the Leaky Cauldron, of course.

Last night I paid in advance for two weeks, getting the cheapest room. Couldn't afford anything better, and even then I had to promise working extra shifts to make it work. The room is one of the highest, somewhere in the attic, I think. I'm talking like, hundreds of stairs. It's small, with a bed and a desk and a closet. And a bathroom, obviously.

Wow, I seriously can't write. I'm so… Man.

I woke up to the normal sounds of Diagon Alley. People screaming in the street: talking, and laughing, and arguing over overcharging of the merchandise. The smell of hot coffee and breakfast stole away up to my room, mixed with the fresh, cold air of early December. I inhaled deeply, having no intention of opening my eyes. I'm fine right here under the blankets, thank you.

An owl hooted by my window, demanding entrance. I sighed, got up to let it in. And may I just specify: I was wearing a short sleeves summer nightgown. So, opening the window- very bad idea. The owl flew in, dropped the Daily Prophet on my warm bed, (which was immediately turned uninhabitable as the foul creature filled it with snow and ice particles,) and then flew right out.

I forced my hands to move and close the door. Then I started breathing hot air all over them, trying to get my blood to unfreeze.

Out the window, I saw Diagon Alley at its most spectacular glory: a snow cupped wonderland, complete with the candy and spell-book stores found in every fairy tale. I smiled to myself, rubbing my frozen arms. The sky was cloudless, the ground a pure white beauty- today would probably be a full house in the restaurant, with people running away from the cold, and I have no school to worry about.

Merry Christmas to me!

I looked at the clock, yawning, and started taking my cloths out. What should I wear, what should I wear… At the end I gave up, just put it all on. (No, not _really._ Just showing you how cold it was.) I straightened up, looked at myself in the mirror, checking my hair. Hurriedly, I started brushing the horrid mess.

I have to meet Sirius Black by Gringotts today.

Goodbye smile. Goodbye perfect day. The sky seemed to cloud over, and the streets filled with dirt. I heard a baby cry outside.

Merry Christmas to me.

I splashed some water on my face- gasped- (should have known it would be cold. Stupid!) Rearranged my hair again. Wait- what am I getting all dressed up for? I've never done this at Hogwarts…

I got out of the bathroom (which, by the way, is shared by four other workers living on the same floor. I haven't seen them yet, but I think it's because no one wakes up at 7 am unless they have an early shift), and straightened my robes.

Ready.

I grabbed my folder, filled with my notes, plans, and hopes for the fundraiser. I was thinking… big picnic. With lots of music.

Of course, it was more detailed in the notes…

I fastened the cloths around me as I got outside, protecting my flesh from the strikingly cold air. Where did we agree to meet? Oh, yeah. Gringotts. With it's dark tunnels. Got it.

Shockingly, even I couldn't keep a frown on today. The shops on both sides of the street were filled with Christmas decorations, goods, candy. The pet shop actually had some deer in it, for the more… insane shoppers. I saw a bunch of kids singing holiday chorals, throwing snowballs at each other, and screaming joyfully. Wish I could be so blissfully free…

But no, _I_ had to go meet my worst nightmare…

Sirius Black was sitting on a bench by the front doors of Gringotts Bank.

**Sirius Black:**

Sirius cursed.

"Bloody shoes…"

He looked under the sofa, bringing his wand- throwing off light- near his face. No luck.

Grunting impatiently, he pushed himself up- and hit his head on the base' edge. With a yelp and another curse he collapsed right back to the floor, clutching the back of his head painfully.

"Damn it!!"

Eyes tearing, he looked up, pushing the sofa away angrily.

And there were the shoes- right where he left them, by the door. He put them there just last night, specifically to _avoid_ this whole ordeal. Kicking the sofa again, he got up, looking around hastily to see if he forgot anything. Shirt, pants, aftershave… where's the- wait, no shoes yet… he grabbed them, trying to put them while jumping on one leg, and looking at the clock on the opposite wall. No, the other opposite wall. He turned, lost balanced, fell.

Cursed.

Sirius stopped, forcing himself to breath. _Alright. In the words of Alyson Morla- __**chill.**_

He sat up slowly, pulling his shoes on correctly. The time was 6:45. He'll still make it by seven, and if he knows Morla she won't be there until eight. Not during vacation. Not for a silly meeting with him.

Still. Better safe then sorry.

Inhaling deeply, he closed his eyes. _All right, got the shoes. Got everything. _

Smiling, he went over to the fireplace, placing his hand in the Floo Powder bowl.

Can't wait to show Morla the-

With horrified panic in his eyes, he turned around, accidentally throwing the bowl half way across the room in the process. _The notes!_

Heart pounding, he dove for the overflowing notebook. This is not his day. It's lucky the notebook didn't fall, spreading all his work all over the floor…

Going pale, he held it closer.

_This really isn't a good day._ Maybe he should just ask Morla to reschedule- they could meet in a few days, when he's not so-

NO! No, he had to do this. Today. Now.

_Now._

Turning to the fireplace, he swallowed. There was still a small pile of Floo in his hand, turning spoiled by cold sweat. He stepped forward to the flames, almost forgetting to let the green powder drop first.

"Gringotts!"

-

He stepped out, coughing dizzily. Looking up, he saw a passing Goblin glaring at him distastefully.

Sirius stuck out his tongue, making some old lady huff. He rolled his eyes, blushing, and hurried out.

6:52.

He sat down on a near by bench, looking at his hands purposelessly. With nothing to do. Just… sitting there. Staring.

For the last couple of weeks, he couldn't find enough time to sleep. Or eat, Merlin's beard… he was just so busy with the plans- the dance had to be perfect. The preparations, the decorations, the food and music and even the bloody lesson everyone should learn. And it has to be cool, and modern and a lot of fun. If it weren't, then there will be no purpose at all. He won't be able to ask her.

And now, here he sat, with nothing to do. Fresh out of ideas, with no ounce of inspiration left. An eighteen-year-old girl will decide his future in the next few minutes. An eight-teen-year old woman. And he would have either failed or succeeded.

And that would be that.

He shut his eyes, trying to not think about it. He worked so hard- so very bloody hard!- what if she would hate it? What if she laughed and told him he was pathetic and stupid to even suggest something like that? That all his plans were childish and ridiculous and-

He sneezed, so loudly his eyes started to water. Again. Holding back yet another curse he began searching for some tissues in every pocket.

"Bless you!" he looked up. A jolly woman was climbing the stairs into the bank. She was smiling, wearing a noticeable red and green robe. He noticed her stomach extending beyond normal dimensions. She smiled at him joyfully, full of Christmas spirit.

"Thank you!" he called back, feeling better. She waved her wand his way, and a hankie appeared on his lap.

"Better wear something warmer next time, love. Don't want to be sick this time of year!" she laughed, letting her long, vibrant red hair jump up and down carelessly. She ran a hand over her belly. "I sure don't!"

He joined her laugh, and all his worries seemed to evaporate. He felt like himself again. "Are you…" he looked at her stomach again, blushing.

"Oh, yes! You see it now, do you?" she laughed. "Due any day! Though it took him forever to show!!"

Sirius smiled. "Congratulations, Mrs.…"

"Weasley," she said proudly. "Got to go now, sweetie. I might see you around… "

"Sirius Black," he supplied. She nodded, smiling at him again.

"Merry Christmas to you!"

He watched as she went inside the bank, still rubbing her stomach carefully.

"Ahem."

He jumped, looking back. Alyson Morla stood right behind him, looking annoyed and impatient. She tapped her foot on the ground, demanding attention.

"Hey," he said, a little too fast, to high, too… wrong.

"Hi." Se said back, looking him up and down. Her eyes paused on his hand, which was still green from the powder. He wiped it on his robe, turning tomatoes red. Weasley red.

She rolled her eyes, looking around uncomfortably.

Silence.

"Look, we don't have a lot of time. I got to run at three," she said, half turning to leave.

He swallowed the panic rising inside him, trying to remain calm and cool.

"We better get started then," Sirius smiled, walking away.

"Where do you think you're going!" she yelled, irritation smeared over her words.

"Want some ice cream?" he called back, looking at her over his shoulder jokingly.

"_What_?"

"C'mon! It's on me!"

Aly ran up to catch up with him. "No way, Black. I'm paying."

"Do you have any money on you?"

"Err…"

Sirius gives a bark-like laugh. "It's decided then. Chocolate or vanilla?"

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **

He led me to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. I refused to let him know how I was enjoying the weather, and how much I was annoyed by his pestering. He kept on talking, about the most ridicules things. He loved snow; especially snowball wars. That's what he called them- wars. Can you believe it?!

Finally, we got there. A wave of warm air brushed my hair back as we stepped into the shop, heading to a small table by the window, taking off our coats.

"So. The TWH. How'd you hear about it?" Black asked, settling into his sit.

I paused, surprised. That's just such a good question, no one ever asked it. Ever. I was actually worried that they would in the interview, you know, but they never did… I even prepared a cover story and everything.

"Me? Summer after third year. I was buying my robes, and overheard the owner talk about it with her husband."

Actually, I was buying a few second hand cloths, the cheapest they had, trying to conserve the small amount of money I had. A ridiculously small amount of money. Only what was left in my pockets and purse when my parents flew away to the USA, leaving me behind.

The owner saw me, dressed in cloths I haven't changed in about a week, dirty and alone. She looked me up and down, critical. After I left, I found a brochure for the services of the TWH tacked into my bag. It had addresses and even muggle phone numbers. So of course, I had to call. I was sleeping in the street by then, and it got pretty cold at night.

So yeah, I called. And they've been helping me ever since. With my school money, and textbooks and what not. All silently- I don't think anyone knew I was in the program apart from the immediate Hogwarts staff and my helper- a seventh year back then, who helped me through all the processes. I've been waiting to join ever since I turned seventeen.

Black's eyebrows shot up with amusement. "_Overheard_? Where were you overhearing?"

"At the door to their study, of course!" I smirked. Then I frowned. _Wait. I'm joking with Black!?_

He laughed again. I swallowed a mouthful of my ice cream, smiling to myself. His body shook when he laughed, as if he used every muscle to enforce that crazed sound of joy.

"What about you?" I asked. He seemed to relax, pushing back in his chair, which now stood on its two back legs.

"Oh, I've known about it forever. My dad used to hate it; they were working to stop muggle harassment at the time. I knew I'd join since I was about five. Make them mad."

All right, I know Black's family is this crazed, muggle hating Slytherin bunch. That's one of the reasons I always hated him- he was the offspring of one of the most hatful, dark families around- and he was bloody rich. It figures it would work like that, right? I wasn't surprised Black's dad was against the TWH. I should have realized it before, actually. But why would Black wanna make him mad?

"Make them mad?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Why?!"

He looked at me strangely. "I have my reasons."

Realizing what was happening I stopped, hiding a blush. I took another bite.

"So. Have you given any thought to the fundraiser?" he asked, taking out a folder and a few quills. I blinked, unaware that he might do something so… responsible. I mean, I was sure he'd just let me do all the work and get credit or something…

"Well, yeah, sure," I said. I placed my notes by his folder. They looked very small in comparison.

Black seemed to notice, but he didn't say anything. I bit my lip, saying nothing. _Little prat._

"I was thinking, you know, a party." He said, suddenly uncertain. He didn't touch the folder, as if afraid to see what's inside.

"That would be good," I said. "With dancing, and food… we could try to get some band to play-"

"Muggle music," he said. I looked up, confused.

"I'm sorry?"

He started playing with his spoon, not looking at me. Is this Sirius Black, or Peter Pettigrew?

"Muggle music. You know. We could raise awareness if we use muggle music."

I tried to shield my shock.

"Yeah, that would be good," I said, slowly. It was more then good. It was great. "And we can serve muggle food, maybe ask to come in muggle cloths-"

"And sell muggle staff," he put in, smiling in relief. His eyes were suddenly huge, consuming me in grayness. He looked so excited, enthusiastic. "Those wooden quills and light bulbs and stamps!"

I looked at him, surprised.

There was a moment of silence. I pointed at his folder.

"May I see that?"

**Sirius Black:**

She reached over, taking the packed notebook in gentle, careful hands. He found himself staring at them as she turned the pages, each overflowing with black ink, detail, and vivid descriptions. Her fingers barely held each paper, touching but not touching. Her eyes scanned the rows of messy sentences, as she mouthed the ideas. Her brow wrinkled sweetly with astonishment. Locks of dark hair dropped over her forehead.

She was so beautiful.

He breathed in, trying to get his heart to relax. It was beating a hundred times a second, and that couldn't be too healthy. Aly looked up, glancing at him momentarily. Forget the hundred per minute. Every time she looked at him, his heart skipped a bit.

Does she like it? Does she hate it? What would she say? Is it enough? Too much? Please don't let it be too much. Please don't let her look up and laugh, mock him for a fruitless effort…

"This is…" he held his breath. Moment of truth… "This is amazing. How- when-? I mean- this is really good, Black. We can really do something with this."

She smiled at him, uncertain. She hadn't expected this. He surprised her. But she was glad. She said it was good. She said it was amazing.

He realized he was grinning from ear to ear, stretching his mouth a little too much. But he couldn't stop… the blood coursed through his body loudly, supporting lungs that pumped mouthfuls of air up his throat, almost suffocating him.

He grinned, anyway.

**From Alyson Morla's Record of School Hilarities: **

The rest of the day was great. I mean, it actually was- you know, ok. Even though it was Sirius Black. Even though we were, technical, working. Even though it was snowing and cold and other people were all around us, screaming and yelling, talking and laughing.

We finished going over our plans in the Parlor. Then we moved on to Flourish and Blott's, to look at some muggle study books- turns out Sirius has been taking that class for quite a while. He told me about his family, how he had such different views from them. How he left as soon as he could. I told him about my mum, and her wizard hating ways. We laughed at the opposites of our ancestry.

Our next stop was Quality Quidditch Supplies. (Of course!) It had absolutely nothing to do with the dance, but we both love the sport, so why not? Though we did decide to conduct some muggle sports game- basketball, or football, during the dance. Later Sirius told me the most hilarious story about Pettigrew and broomsticks. It involved Potter's broom, and a very mean owl…

By then, it was close to three. Time to go. We laughed our way back to the Leaky Cauldron, and sat on the bench by the entrance.

"He did not!" I screeched, giggling like a maddened pixie. Sirius was barely sitting on the chair out of laughter.

"You bet he did! Right across the grounds, naked as a new born babe…" I giggled, trying to compose myself.

Behind us, the clock chimed three.

I looked up at him, still smiling. The laughter wasn't quiet gone from his eyes. His beautifully light gray eyes.

"So…" he said.

I awoke with a start. "Yes. I'll work on the decoration arrangements… I'm sure I can find some people to help… just don't forget to call everyone else. We'll have a group meeting Saturday. Ok?"

"Yeah, no problem. Don't worry about it."

There was silence. We looked at each other sheepishly, smiling. I giggled every once in a while, remembering something funny he said before.

"Morla!" someone called from inside. We both looked back, surprised to learn we weren't alone in the world.

"I'm coming! Just give me a moment!" I yelled back, and moved to stand up hurriedly.

A strong hand stopped me, pulling me back down.

I looked into his eyes. He looked into mine. There was silence. Someone in the cauldron shop to our left was talking loudly.

And then he kissed me.

Sirius Black. Kissed me.

It was so sudden. Not like I wasn't thinking about it. About this perfect moment for a kiss. But I didn't think he'd have the nerve- the courage- to actually do it. That only happens in fairy tales.

Right?

Obviously not. My eyes were closed. I was _enjoying_ it. A lot. His tongue tugged at my lips, gently willing them to open.

And they almost did.

**Sirius Black:**

The slap vibrated throughout his body.

His cheek burned. He opened his eyes, shocked. Aly was running away, into the Leaky Cauldron- away from him, away from their moment, away from everything. He thought she liked it. The plan, him, the kiss. It was going so well. He didn't even mean to kiss her but- God, she was so beautiful, and funny, and fun- and it was such a perfect moment, with his heart beating so hard it was practically an on going heart attack.

But she didn't like it. She hated it. He ruined it. Ruined everything, she'll never forgive him. He should have known she wasn't that kind of girl- to kiss on the first… not even date, was it? Just a meeting. What was he thinking?!

Nothing, that's what. So stupid. Always so stupid!! Remus always told him, _think before you do anything drastic._ But no… he's too bloody _smart_ for that…

He got up, almost forgetting to take the plans. Maybe he could send it to her, she could do it without him. He won't be able to stand to work with her all break long after this. No way. It was bad enough before she knew how he felt.

As if by magic, it started snowing. He rubbed his hands together for warmth, pulled the coat tighter around him. Why the hell did he invite her to eat ice cream in the middle of winter?!

Sighing heavily, he began to walk away. Head down, shoulders hunched.

This was definitely not his day.

**Remus Lupin**

It was getting dark.

He and Coral were at their apartment- the one they rented together for the break. Coral was doing something in the kitchen, probably cooking. She chased him out of it, grinning, swearing to curse him mad if he sneaked a look in. It was a Full Moon Special.

Hopefully she'll be done soon, though, since said full moon was rising in the dark sky. Soon he'll call Peter, who'll call James, who'll call Sirius and all four of them will be off to that abandoned hat, where they'd-

"Ah!"

Remus jumped up, turning toward the kitchen. Coral was on the floor, her head held in her hands, sobbing.

"Coral!"

He was by her side, and she flinched away, crying even harder. "…Coral," he said, keeping a distance. She never moved away from him before, like he was some sort of…

Monster…

"I… Merlin… I'm sorry Remy,"' she said, slowly, carefully, making her way toward him. "I just… thought of… some kind of… of memory? No…"

"What are you talking about?"

She looked at the floor, letting him lift her up. "I just… it was like a vision."

Remus's blood ran cold. All their divination professors said Coral was a gifted seer… in class she led everyone in strange sights inside tealeaves and crystal balls. She laughed while saying she made everything up, but maybe…

Coral looked at him wearily. He swallowed. "What did you see?"

"I- nothing. Nothing worth any interest."

"It made you collapse in tears."

"It's nothing. Really. It doesn't matter.

"I want to know."

He caught her hand while she was turning away. She pulled them away, as if his arms burned her skin.

Catching a hurt gasp, Remus took a step back. Coral didn't look at him.

"It's nothing. It doesn't matter… just… a silly, fake vision of a future that's really… ridiculous."

There was silence.

"You don't trust me."

Coral breathed in quickly, looking at him with a surprised, hurt look. He didn't meet her eyes.

"I… I saw you."

He kept quiet.

"I saw you… hitting me."

Remus turned to look at her. She looked back, their gazes touching across the room.

The stove beeped.

"The… the food will be ready soon."

"Yeah. Good. I'll just… leave, and-" Remus looked at the clock, biting his lip. "And call Peter."

"Oh," Coral looked disappointed. "Of course, it's almost- Well, I guess… I guess we'll just eat it tomorrow."

"You worked hard, I don't-"

"You can't help it. I know. Just go- they're probably waiting for you. I don't care."

Feeling his heart clutch painfully, Remus moved to live.

There was silence.

**From the Diaries of Coral Coriona:**

I don't care.

I told him that _I don't care._

Merlin's Beard, how can I be so selfish?!

I didn't mean it like that, of course. No, I meant I don't _mind._ It came out wrong. I was all confused because of the-

The vision…

He was hitting me. I can't get the image out of my mind- his hair long and dangling, his eyes an odd, wolf-y yellow, his arm strong and painful on my fragile limbs.

Was it really a vision?

It felt like nothing I ever experienced before. It didn't even have a future appeal- like a memory, but of course that never happened, so… what…?

Not that I ever had a real vision, anyway. I'm just a really good guesser. And I _can_ see shaped in crystal balls- they just don't mean anything.

I have to go apologize. That pained expression on his face- when I kept moving away, when I said those horrid things- I can't live with that. I can't.

Remus would never hit me- I know that much.

Even though he's a werewolf. Even though violence has been forced into his blood.

I know Remus. He'll never…

But what if he does?

He won't.

Would he?


	51. Chapter 51

**_I know I haven't been here in, well, about two months, but this is 14 pages long, single spaced. so... enjoy._**

**From Lily Evan's Record of Past Events:**

I wish I were a lake.

Everything would be so simple then. No worries, no troubles- just wind and waves and people gazing at you longingly.

I really want to be a lake.

It's night- late at night, and I'm wicked tired. But still, I don't want to go up to my empty room. I can't help thinking- what if it didn't help changing back time? What if James will die, anyway, and it'll be my fault- again? What if it's his destiny to die by my hand?

I don't know what I'd do.

He said some people would remember.

Dumbledore, I mean. When I asked him. When I came to his office that night, after visiting James's tomb. I remember… only briefly. I can't remember that much, anymore.

It was probably around this time of night, and the abnormally bright half moon was up in the sky, outshining the stars. I stood before the statue marking the Headmaster's office, biting my lip.

Out the window, the waves of the Great Lake rippled with intense wind. It was cold, a frosty December cold the slithered into the castle through the old, crumbling walls. It was so silent my own jagged breath was like thunder. Several ghosts misted their way across the hallway were I stood, staring at me with interest as they passed. I nodded at them grimly.

"It's orange-peach mints," said a voice behind me. I turned to see the silvery figure of Nearly Headless Nick eyeing me pitifully. "The password," he added. "He just changed it this morning."

I smiled at him faintly. He drifted toward me as I stared on toward the entrance.

"It wasn't your fault, Ms. Evans," he said kindly. "His death- their death. You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time."

He placed his freezing hand on my shoulder supportively, and left.

Tears swarmed in my eyes. Curses seeped through my mind. My fingers tingled nervously.

"Orange-peach mints," I whispered.

The spiraling staircase appeared before me, unfamiliarly freighting and foreboding as I never knew it to be. I forced my tin legs to move, climb step after step until-

"Miss Evans, what a pleasure to see you here at this time of night."

I don't know how Professor Dumbledore noticed I was there. He was fully dressed in an emerald cloak, his spectacles glistening in the dim firelight. A crimson-feathered phoenix sat on a golden perch, his large, black eyes digging holes into my punctured soul. I looked toward Dumbledore, my eyes pleading.

"Professor… I-"

"This is rather an odd hour to visit," Dumbledore cut me off pleasantly, leaning down toward something he was writing, one of Fawkes's feathers held lightly in his hand. "I would have thought you'd be in your dorm, sleeping peacefully."

"It's been hard to sleep peacefully the last couple of days," I murmured.

Dumbledore put down the scarlet quill, eyeing me fatherly. I thought of my own father, lying in a hospital bed with critical burns, unaware that my mum- his love- was dead.

Dumbledore motioned for me to take a sit. I hid my tears with my hair, unsuccessfully.

"I've noticed you took to Mr. Potter's death rather hard," he said grimly. I felt his azure eyes eyeing me, looking into my very soul. "I didn't know you became so close in the last few months- I'm sorry I hadn't-"

"I killed him."

There was silence.

With a deep, tired sigh Dumbledore rose to his feet, rubbing his eyes. He seemed so old then- so worn. I forced myself to look at him.

"I brew a potion- a fear potion. I was mad after- well, when he said those things to me by the lake, right after my mum died-"

"What potion was it?" my Headmaster was searching through his library, taking out ancient, disintegrating texts. "Which one did you use?"

"The…" I racked my brain. "The potion made by Erised. After he made the mirror, he created many other items to show the inner soul- lockets and rings… and the one potion."

"The Greatest Fear Potion of Erised," Dumbledore sighed again. "Very impressive."

I said nothing. He opened one of the books, staring at it for long moments.

"I was hoping you- you would know how to reverse it."

There was a silence for one long, long moment. Dumbledore sat back in his chair.

"Come now, Ms. Evans," he said softly. "You know potions can't be reversed."

I felt my blood run cold, my vision divide. "There must be a way to-"

"No."

My head dropped to my chest. A wail made its way up my stinging throat. "There _has_ to be a way!"

Dumbledore skimmed through the book carefully, his long fingers gentle with the old parchment. "Whom did you cast it on? Did it cause the tragedies for Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus-"

"Yes." I said miserably. "Yes, I cast it on them all- I didn't mean to! I thought it was… a prank, or-"

"No potion of Erised would ever be a mere prank," Dumbledore said, and for the first time I saw him truly angry. "You can't change back time, Ms. Evans. You must live with your choices."

I stared at him. "But- but you _can_ change back time. You can! A time turner, or-"

"A time turner cannot go back so many days," he said, frowning in thought. He was considering it! "And in any event, you aren't to be seen, so you cannot very well change anything significant-"

"But there are spells- old runes- that can send ME back in time, back to my own mind, back-"

He was taking out another book, scanning the gibberish lines upon it. I watched, enticed, as he mouthed the words, shaking his head sadly.

"No. It's too risky. You could change the timelines, and-"

"That the point though, isn't it? I want to change-"

"No!" he closed the book shut. I saw the sadness in his eyes, the grief… "No. I'm sorry. You can't… I'm sorry."

From behind us, Fawkes let out a single note. Dumbledore looked up to him, his eyes missing their usual spark.

"I must go," he told me. "Please… Ms. Evans. I will be back shortly."

He was gone.

My heart was pounding. The book was sitting on his desk- and the page, the page where he opened it, was a bit wrinkled between the others…

I rushed to open it.

I glanced over the page.

And every other of the ten following pages.

Then, I started to chant.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

The big oak doors that marked the entrance to the house of my childhood were shut.

This was not the yard I remembered. The Potter Manor had one of the most impressive entrances in Magical England: the green grass, spreading in every which way, covered by a blanket of rare flowers and colorful mushrooms; the blooming, ancient trees, their brunches burdened with heavy loads of fresh fruit and chirping bird-nests; the house's outward wall, made of faded brown brick from the seventeen hundreds, plants and vegetation webbing their way from top to bottom systematically, flourishing with small white flowers and the butterflies that followed the nectar; the stone trail that led from the gate to this door, lined with small statues made of scarce pebbles in different sizes, their crystalline interiors shining in the sunlight that screened through the thick layers of lush, colorful leaves.

The small pebbles were broken, their crystals foreboding in the star's light. The trees were bare, their brunched naked and cold in a howling December wind. The ground was a swamp of intrusive weeds and mud. The green blankets of plants covering the walls were overgrown, reaching out as if to grab any passerby.

This is not the home I remembered.

But my mother was inside. At the same time while I longed for her gentle touch- to push my hair back, complain about untidy robes, grab my wand to scrub it and ask about the marauders- my heart was cold as this house that used to be mine. That woman was gone. She's died long ago.

Still, my breath came with difficulty. I hadn't seen her in months…

I opened the door.

There was silence.

The room I found myself in was not the one I remembered. It was dark. It was filthy. It was broken both physically and in spirit. The curtains were shoved closed, so even the small comfort of starlight was taken away from this ghost room that used to mean so much.

I didn't pause to stare long at the broken pictures lining the walls, the turned over sofas, the occasional blood spots dotting the floor. I couldn't take it in- didn't want to. What has happened here? Mum wasn't that far gone. Mum _couldn't_ be that far gone.

Could she?

Feeling alone, I took the Marauder's map out of my bag. I got to keep it that vacation, since Sirius had it during summer, and Remus would in Easter, and Peter didn't trust himself to keep it safe. None of the marauders would be at Hogwarts- we'd all left. But just the sight of the familiar outline, the towering towers, the stretching grass, the whopping willow, and the forest… it made me relax.

Once I put it back safely in the bag, though, I was back in the devil's house.

There was an eerie quiet. No, not even quiet- a total lack of noise. As if Dementors were near by, sucking it away as they did light and happiness. With every tentative footstep I took, a record-breaking earthquake shook the house.

I didn't glance to the kitchen as I passed through it in the hallway, hurrying over to the stairs. Mum would be in her room. She didn't leave there for anything. Not even saying bye to her only son on his last day at home before moving out after graduation.

My mind was elsewhere as I climbed. I thought of my dad, and what he would have said had he seen everything that was going on. I thought of Dumbledore, the minister, the whole wizarding world- what would they have said? Would they have done anything at all to help? Were they on Laurence's side, with all his donations, or were they on mine?

I threw my bag to my room, a floor under my location. A cloud of dust rose where it fell. Before Mum's door, I stopped.

I didn't mean to. My hand was already reaching for the handle, already twisting to turn it and enter the room- when it froze.

Call it instinct. Call it a sixth sense. I don't know- but I didn't want to go into that room.

_Where else do you plan to go? _A mocking voice said inside my head.

I looked at my frozen hand, inches from the metal doorknob.

I opened it.

On the bed, my mum looked like she was sleeping.

She was a very beautiful woman. Unblemished skin, long, wavy hair. Very petite; I was taller then her by fourth year. She looked like an angel, laying there on the dusty mattress, unmoving, her chest still.

I didn't need to walk closer. I didn't need a pulse, didn't need to look into her glazy, motionless eyes to know.

No, the mother I remembered wasn't there anymore.

At first, I didn't feel much. It wasn't grief. It wasn't anger. Hell, it wasn't even confusion- nothing like when Dad died.

It was just… curiosity.

And a burning, undeniable need for revenge.

I walked leisurely out the room, trying to keep quiet. Laurence should be in the house still. I will find him. I will kill him.

I have been waiting for this.

I searched. He wasn't on any of the four upper floors. I took a short cut to the basement- not there, either. I rushed back upstairs. Mum's room met me again. Not in the crime scene.

I climbed down.

**Jessica Norman**

The Princess is cleaning.

Scrubbing floor, dusting shelves, fluffing pillows and splashing water over tile floors. It is so so filthy.

The Princess can't think. She can't think of anything. All she sees is dirty floors and spilt sauce and oily pans and dusty curtains. She is going mad. Can't think. Can't do anything.

Where is the Prince? Why doesn't he save her?

The Prince always saves his Princess.

He said he would write.

He promised.

He lied.

**From James Potter's Journal:**

He was nowhere.

I've covered every floor. Opened every closet. Streams of sweat mingled with misplaced tears I barely noticed. Jagged breath. Pumping heart. And me, stumbling along, half blind with unbalanced glasses. He couldn't be gone. I needed him here. I wanted this. Needed this. If I didn't do this…

Then what the hell do I do?

I closed my eyes; leaned back on the nearest wall, trying to calm the rushing blood from gashing out of my improperly healed wounds.

It wasn't a wall.

I fell through a door.

And there was my bag.

I was back in my room, staring up at the ceiling, my back aching with something sharp and painful stubbing at my skin. A familiar light-headedness engulfed me. Was I bleeding?

Apparently so. I had landed right on my bag- broken the mirror Sirius and I shared into two neat pieces. It would take seconds to fix it, but someone was already there…

"Hi! Prongs, you there? Wormtail can't find you anywhere! It's a full moon today, mate, we gotta go! Prongs? HI! I do not like being ignored, and I've got lots to tell you, and-" The voice made my back hurt even more. I took the pieces out of the bag, stared into the bigger one. My face was immediately flooded with light from Sirius's apartment. I saw him there, my best friend, gaping at my contorted, wet face. We said nothing.

"She's dead, Pads," I whispered. "My mum's dead…"

**Sirius Black:**

"James, wait, I'll be right over!" He put the mirror down, cursing every word his father ever taught him. Where were his shoes?!

Who cared?!

Turning on the spot and still shoe less, Sirius apparated to the entrance of Potter Manor. The house glared down at him with unfamiliar foreboding. He skipped thorugh the house without really seeing it- didn't really want to see it. Back in his apartment, on the James's background inside the mirror, he'd seen red and gold wall paper, parts of a majestic, gold brown bed, and that picture of the four marauders grinning and hitting each other under the tree by the lake. That was James's room. He'd been there enough times to know every inch. He rushed to the floor. No time to waste. No time to waste. A thought accumulated in his mind- something Prongs had said at the beginning of the year, inside his room in the new dorm he shared with Lily Evans after the latter cursed him in front of the whole school. Something about a knife, and James, and blood…

But he wouldn't do that.

_He already did it once._

"Prongs!" gasping, panting, staring every which way in full out panic, he stormed into the room like a mad wolf searching for its pups. The sight that greeted him made his blood freeze solid.

James was sitting on the floor, his back to the bed. He was facing a grand mirror stretching the full length of the opposite wall. His head lolled back onto the mattress, the glasses disorganized over closed eyes. Trails of blood leaked from underneath him, sickeningly painting the floor red. He was motionless, all sweaty and dusty and disgusting, his hands weak and lifeless in his lap. Sirius stopped breathing.

"Pads?"

_Breath. BREATH. It's not hard. You've done it before._ He thought, wanting to hit someone (preferably with jet black hair and a very stupid, frustratingly fretful mind). "Why the _hell_ are you bleeding? Do you want me to -"

"The mirror broke," James protested, blinking as he lifted his head. Sirius faked a smile. What a Christmas.

Something had to be done.

"Listen, you dolt, stand up and come on." He tried, changing the subject. James seemed to straighten at the familiar teasing tone. "We gotta go. Full moon, remember? Remus is-"

"Oh, right! Merlin, I completely forgot."

"I figured."

"What time is it? We gotta-"

Sirius shook his head, as James leaped up, almost fell, and then walked shakily toward the door. That's Prongs for you. Too caring for his own bloody good. No, don't think about the fact that your Mum just died, no! Think of the poor transforming werewolf doing it without company…

They ran downstairs, James a bit behind, due to some less then satisfactory healing on Sirius's part. Their feet hit the floorboards shatteringly, almost breaking the crumbling wood.

"Wait!"

A screeching halt.

"What is it?" Sirius demanded, thoughts flying everywhere. What if he'd want to bring Mrs. Potter's body, or… James could do that. His mind worked almost as crazily as Sirius's.

"I forgot my bag."

"What? No, come back here! We don't have time for this! Moony must be-"

"The Map's in there!"

"Well-…" Headache. Big headache. Unbalanced James was a handful. "Well, wait, then, I'll-"

"Just go, I'll catch up!"

"Don't be stupid, that's-"

"Like you said, Moony could be changing any second now!"

_Like hell I'm leaving you alone, _Sirius thought, sprinting after Prongs. He paused halfway up the stairs, listening.

There were voices coming from the basement. Clanking of bottles, someone singing.

Laurence?

Who else?

"Come on Padfoot, if we don't' get going, we'll never-"

"Right. Let's go." His distraction worked. Added with James's own talent of suppressing unpleasant memories, all thought of his mom had drifted away.

He wouldn't say anything. There was no point.

By the gate, though, James looked back, traces of sorrow peeking into his eyes.

"You know, I kissed Morla," Sirius mused. James's head turned to him, almost breaking in the process. "She slapped me."

Laughing hysterically, they moved away from the house's protective spells, and apparated away.

**From Lily Evans' Record of Past Events:**

I spent the night by the lake, staring at its ripples. I couldn't sleep. Just… think, think, worry, curse, cry, sob, fear, all the emotions mixing together with confusion and I don't know what else.

I had to find out.

Light was forming on the edges of the sky, spilling onto the forest, as I made my way to an apparition zone. The stars were hidden by thick, dark clouds; the ground covered by snow. Once I could see the white rooftops of Hogsmeade village, I paused, taking a big breath.

And I was by the Potter Manor, racing though the familiar halls, searching for a sound, a scream of pain and suffering. He could be dead. James could be dead all over again- and it'll be my fault, all over again, and I had not gone through all of that for it all to happen all over again- all over again…

I screamed his name, screamed for Laurence, for house elves, fro the mother I knew was dead. No one answered but my own echo, vibrating back, making my heart speed, my sweat tickle. What if he were dead? This was the day. Today he died. I've been here already, in this past memory that wasn't really the past, looking for a sign of life- and I found him, we hid, we bonded, and then I told him I loved him- told him I loved him… and he died. It was now. It was repeating. I've already seen Mrs. Potter dead in her bed, just as I remembered- it was me, Laurence, and James, inside this house that was locked by a spell laid by Potters. It was, and now it is- again. Repeating. I will not let it repeat.

But there was no one there.

Eventually, my sprint subsided to a sobbed walk. It was a huge house. It had the feel… the feel of something dead inside. Mrs. Potter lying so gray and cold on the bed was one, and the smell of decaying food, filth, broken toilets. My mind played tricks on me- around every corner there was a pool of blood, behind every chair scattered bones. Knives became weapons. Dust became ashes. I remembered the way he looked- the beautiful hazel eyes, so alive, so real… the light dieing, replaced by a flash of green. The body collapsing to the floor, toppling over like a rug doll. And then that same body, gray and cold, among other gray, dead bodies, staring up at the doll white ceiling. And then the tomb. And then everything else. And me, by the lake, alone, with all these things I've done and seen and only I remember…

There was no one there.

I collapsed in the kitchen, shaking, crying. Is he dead? Is he not? Am I to blame- again?

Cursed word.

From the window I saw the sunrise was almost complete. It was morning.

And then… then I heard a voice. Bottles, someone moving, falling, laughing hysterically in the basement.

He was alive.

He was in the house.

He was… singing?

_**Chapter 52:**_

**From James Potter's Journal:**

So my mom's dead.

Merlin, I… It's morning now, Sirius of course still sleeping. I've just finished writing everything that happened in the Manor. And I've realized that I haven't thought of my mum… since Sirius came.

No. Before.

It was Laurence. Get Laurence. Have to get, find, kill… So blind. So stupid.

He wasn't even there.

And I… I guess I was trying to forget. To not think about it. That I was an orphan.

Everyone is an orphan at some point.

But not at eighteen.

I can't really think straight. Probably has to do with the fact that we've been up all night. I do love full moons, and I don't care what Remus says- after we get through the transformation, it's life itself. As usual, Prongs managed to clear my head. It seems that every time I transform into my trusty Animagus form, everything's fine again. We ran, we played, we teased and jumped at each other. And when we were all human again, we sat on the roof of that old cabin, like we always did at the roof of the Gryffindor tower, freezing to death even with the cloaks and the warming charms and everything. And we just talked. Sirius told us of his disastrous meeting with Morla. Peter told us, rather reluctantly, of some strange dreams he's been having. We quickly set him straight, and all the weariness evaporated. Remus let us know about some fight he's had with Coral. She says she say a vision of him heating her.

Sirius almost fell off the roof with laughter.

And then I told them of my mum.

And it was like- yeah. Ok.

And that's what I love about the marauders. They get things. They don't pity. They don't… judge. They just get it. So I told them, and we all sat there in this supportive silence because in a way, we were brothers. And we didn't need to say anything after all we've just confessed to.

As the sun rose, we left. Dropped Remus off with Coral, who was teary and apologizing. That fight of theirs won't last very long. Peter went off somewhere, and Sirius pushed me into his flat, into a sleeping bag, zipped it, and started snoring.

I can't sleep.

Because, apart from my mum being dead…

There's something I forgot.

**Sirius Black:**

_Morla's lips were huge._

"Pads?"

_Red. Soft. Beautiful. She was wearing black, her face with no make up, smelling of the normal lavender he always smelled in her hair._

"Padfoot."

_She was running away. Why? Why can't she wait? The forest was dangerous, and… Bellatrix? What the…_

"SIRIUS BLACK!!"

"AH!"

He fell off the sofa, right onto the empty sleeping bag. Squinting up against blinding light, he glowered at James, who looked down at him, too serious and grim.

"What the hell-"

"I'm going to get my mum."

Sirius stared.

"Listen, Prongs, your mum…"

"I know she's dead. I didn't forget."

There was a little anger in that tone. _Dare you suggest I forgot about my mum when I actually did._

"That's not what I meant."

"I have to get her body. I can't leave her there. He may still be in the house."

"Which is another reason why you shouldn't go."

"I have to."

They looked at each other.

"Fine," Sirius said finally. James smiled bitterly, turning to get in a better position for apparation.

Sirius went to get his shoes.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for my shoes. I can never find them when I need to. Did you pull a prank, so I can never find them?"

"Yes. I did. Why are you looking for your shoes?"

"Cause I'm coming."

"No you're not."

"Yes. I am."

"Pads-"

"She was the closest thing for a mum I've ever had."

James sighed. "They'll be behind the toilet. They're always by the toilet, or inside the fireplace, or inside the fridge."

"Thanks."

**From James Potter's Journal:**

We arrived in the manor, rushed to Mum's room. She was there, as dead as before. My heart sunk. What was I thinking, that she'd come back to life?

"It's awfully messy in here," Sirius commented, pointing at all the bottles littering the floor. I stared at them, not really seeing.

"I think I'm gonna take one last look at the place," I mumbled, as Sirius picked Mum up with a charm. He nodded. He got it. I would never set foot in here again. I had to… say goodbye.

I started with my room, packing some things I can't not have. Gifts from my parents- those that I'd treasure till I die. The prank book I've memorized but swore to pass on to my own kids one day. Some photos. The room was packed with trivial object, stuff that seemed so important just last summer. Now they're so… simple, childish, silly. I sent what I collected off to Sirius's. Then I went to the window.

It was early morning. The sun rose maybe twenty minutes before, and the sky was brilliant and colorful. A crumbling wooden tree house invited me to play with it from the huge, ancient maple tree that stood by my window. My dad built it for me by hand. I was five at the time, but I've used it up till last year, with Sirius, and the others when they visited. Behind it was our yard: Mum's garden, abandoned and lifeless. Dad's old cabin, weak, squeaky, and dusty, where he built things like he loved to do, filling up our house with home made projects that only half worked. The little closet where we kept Quidditch supplies: full of spider webs and broken brooms. Two of the three polls we used to practice with, ragged and worn. The antique bench swing my parents fell in love on back when my grandparents lived here with Mum, half buried in the dirt.

I closed the curtain, and walked away.

Sirius was right where I left him. It doesn't take so long to levitate a corpse. I suspected he was taking his time to give me a chance to do whatever it was I planned to do, alone.

Smiling tiredly, I walked down the stairs. The upper floors had guest rooms, libraries, dance floors, and huge dining rooms we've rarely used. That wasn't my house. My house was down stairs- the kitchen, where I could always find mum, cooking something. Dad's office. The breakfast table we ate every meal at. The entrance hall, the play room, the studio, the patio, the living room, the…

Basement?

There were voices coming from the basement.

Why were voices coming out of the basement?

I walked carefully, trying to listen, toward the cellar. Someone was definitely in there.

I put my ear to the door, biting my lip. …It was a girl. She was… crying?

"Hi, Prongs? You've been down there for, about seven centuries now. You know how extensive my attention span is."

Guess who that was.

I would have shushed Sirius, who was calling me form all the way upstairs, but right then, a high-pitched scream pierced the silence.

I pulled at the handle violently. It was locked. Whoever it was, she was begging- screaming, sobbing, crying… And then I heard him: Laurence, laughing, taunting, enjoying her fear. Their voices penetrated through the gray stonewalls. I listened at the wooden door again. Another sobbing scream pushed me back a few feet back, my ears ringing, my anger boiling.

It was Lily Evans begging for mercy inside.

I took out my wand, pointed it at the door, and blasted it open with one swift hand gesture. I heard mad footsteps upstairs; Sirius was coming a ta full out sprint, probably as Padfoot. I let the dust settle.

And then…

White.

The first thing I saw was the smooth, alabaster skin of Lily Evans, crouched and cowering in the corner, with her blazing, fiery hair tumbling around her bare, naked shoulders. Once I tore my eyes off of that unbelievable image (Lily Evans, sobbing, frightened, alone…) I notices the figure shedding a shadow over her, tilting this way and that with drunkenness: Laurence, taking off his cloak to reveal a disgustingly hairy back.

He was…

He was raping her.

There was a very protesting, astonished noise. I think it was me. My hands were moving, weaving curses at this bastard that destroyed the last shamble of stability that was left in my life. Somehow I'm next to Lily, trying to hide her from him, trying to protect her, because she's this tiny thing staring at me with petrified, pleading green eyes that grow bigger because of the huge tears sliding down her white cheeks. Laurence stood up, staggered. He raised his wand and before I could blink, a huge hole was blasted on the wall right above our heads. Lily and I yelled together as chunks of stone and granite fell on top of us. I tried to shield her, but Laurence wasn't done. The next curse was the Crucio.

**From Lily Evans' record od Past Events:**

James's scream soon subsided. I thought he lost consciousness, but he was probably just dazed. I was beginning to realize what was going on, as Sirius battled the older wizard.

When I destroyed the potion, it worked, my spell was gone, which meant the marauders were safe.

But because I came here and got myself locked in a room with John Laurence, I forced James into a possibly fatal situation.

James could die, I realized.

He could die now.

And it'll be because of me.

Again.

I pushed him off myself, straining to stand. He will not die again. I haven't gone through all that just to live through it over again!

I stood up on shaky legs, grabbing for my wand- it was a few feet away. Sirius yelled something, and suddenly there was red- blood, blood everywhere- I grabbed my wand, sending a protego curse to reflect Laurence's next curse from hitting Sirius right in the chest. Laurence looks around to see who just interfered in his fun. His tiny, crazed eyes landed on me. He flattered a look at my bare chest, my naked body. I saw James picking himself up between the stone fragments. Then Laurence raised his wand arm, smiling.

"Avada Kedavra-"

"NO!"

James leaped off the floor, pushing Laurence into the opposite wall. He missed by mere centimeters. I could almost feel my heart stop.

I saw the green light hit the wall, a hair width from my shoulder. James and Laurence were battling on the floor. Sirius was sending curses here and there, trying to get the big man trying to squish his friend to death. _He has a knife,_ I suddenly remembered. Then a wave of green engulfed me.

The force of the Avada Kedavra propelled away from the shuttered wall.

I sunk into a sea of blackness.

**Chapter 53:**

We're in the hospital.

It's oddly familiar in here. I don't really understand why, but it seems like- like I've been here very often. Which is not true, of course, maybe once or twice in my entire life- but still. Know where all the bathrooms are.

We're because Lily- stupid, foolish Lily- got herself raped. Yeah. I know. James said they found her a distance away from his house, naked and unconscious. They don't know who raped her, but I have a pretty good idea.

A death eater, of course. She's a known, gifted muggle born walking alone in the street. Why not?

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We are all sitting around her bed- me and Coral, Remus (who looks even sicker then usual, and I think I should know why, but I don't), James and Sirius.

Sirius. Who refuses to look at me.

Lily did wake already, and told me she's a stupid bitch. I told her she was, but she shouldn't linger on it- that's why I love her. She giggled, and then lost consciousness again from the sedatives.

She has a concussion, see.

A bad concussion. And lots of cuts all over her body- some seriously deep.

Coral and Remus are sitting so close together you can just tell they had a fight. I don't know _why,_ they're so perfect for each other, but they did. So I'm keeping an eye on them instead of… well, instead of nothing.

James is really worried about Lily. I can tell. Maybe it's the fact that he hasn't taken his arms off her. Maybe it's the fact that-

Sirius just left the room.

I think I'm gonna follow…

**Sirius Black:**

Aly followed him to the lobby.

She may have thought she was being discreet, but she was mistaken. He would notice her short black curls everywhere.

"How can I help you?" there was a small stand in the lobby, and a tired guy looking at him with half closed eyes.

"Just a butterbeer, please."

"Hot or cold?"

"Cold." That guy was in no condition for heating magic.

The man took out an icy bottle, and accepted Sirius's two sickles. Sirius searched the room for a place to sit. It was full, so he settled on the wall next to reception.

"Very odd in there, isn't it?" Aly said coming to lean beside him, taking swing from a steaming butterbeer mug she held with her fingertips. Sirius ignored her. They stood in silence for a moment, but Aly's patience was the shorter then most dragons. "Are you trying to prove how mature you are? Cause it's really not working."

Silence.

She rolled her eyes, taking out something from her bag. From the corner of his eye, Sirius saw the TWH plans. "comeon. I'm not doing this whole thing by myself."

He looked away.

They stood in awkward silence for another moment, before Aly opened the folder and began flipping pages.

"Hmm." She mused. "I think I'm gonna change the muggle bands. Don't you agree? It'll be too complicated to find one that's already aware of wizards, and wizard bands are better, anyway. Maybe a group from Slytherin? They have great sounds, and-"

"What do you _want from me?!"_ Sirius practically yelled, turning to her with burning eyes. He expected her to shy away with surprise. She gave him a leveled look, and then glanced around the now silent lobby.

"Follow." She commanded, turning to leave, completely sure he would.

Seething, he turned away from her. Insults run through his mind. Maybe Aly was more suited for him as a dog then a man.

Out of nowhere, there was a piercing pain in his ear. Aly's small fingers pulled him after her, wordless.

She drugged around the hospital, searching fro an empty room. There were none, not in the middle of a wizard war. Eventually, she let go of his ear. He kept following.

"What are you talking about?" she asked. Sirius blinked, trying to remember what she was talking about. When he did, he flared up all over again.

"_You_ slapped _me_! You made it very clear that you're not interested- so I back off, and now you can't just let it-"

"You _kissed me!_" she yelled back, in the same tone, her anger flaring just as fast as his. "How was I supposed to react?"

"I don't know! I don't know, Morla, but slapping me didn't make the experience very-"

"I'm sorry I messed up your sick version of picking me up, but-"

"I wasn't picking you up, I didn't know what I was doing!"

"I noticed that!"

"Merlin! All I wanted was to show you the sodding plans and go on with my life-"

"No, you were planning to show me the sodding plans, kiss me, and tempt me into some broom closet so you can-"

"Rape you?"

Aly gasped. His eyes were thrown open by the surprise from that thing that just came out of his mouth.

And since Aly slapped him. That too.

They stared at each other.

And then she started laughing.

He joined.

**From Lily Evan's record of Past Events:**

My eyes flattered open.

James leaned toward me, his face inches way from mine. Alive. Breathing. Not dead.

I stared into his eyes, but he didn't seem to notice I've woken- he just stared at my face, his hazel orbs terracing my hair, my skin, my eyelashes-

"Ah!"

He jumped back, thoroughly frightened.

"Merlin, Evans, warm a guy, wont' you!"

I managed a weak smile, feeling oddly lightheaded, as if dreaming. "Sorry."

He pushed the glasses back over his nose. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Um… I should probably tell the healers you're awake. I'll just-"

"Please don't," I begged, feeling trapped. I've developed a very bad outlook on healers, mediwitches, and hospitals in the last couple of weeks. "Just… stay with me a while."

"…All right."

He stayed.

"Just stay here?"

"Yes. Please."

He stayed a little longer.

"…Just, sit here."

"Aha."

"Sit and stare at you."

"I- no," I coughed uncomfortably. "I just don't want to be alone."

"Well, you're awake, and I would really love to stay… stay, but I'm really, ah…" he trailed off.

"Bored?"

"Yes." He seemed grateful.

"I guess… I guess you could call the Healers, then. If you're bored and all."

James gave me a suspicious look.

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"…No," I said, confused.

"Cynical?"

"No!"

"Then why-"

"I'm being _nice,_ Potter. Perhaps that's a term you're unfamiliar with."

His face visibly relaxed. "That's more like it. I thought the whole hit in the head thing messed you up or something."

He stood up, grinning idiotically. Then a thought seemed to occur to him, and he sat right back down.

"Ah. Could you do me a favor?"

"That depends," I said, sitting up in bed despite his protest. "Does it involve-"

"Please don't tell anyone who raped you."

I couldn't help it: my mouth dropped to my lap, my eyes opened wide. "Excuse me?"

He didn't want me to tell on Laurence? Well, ah, well… I have nothing to say to that. Absolutely nothing.

"It's just that- err, I'm trying to deal with this. My mum died, and if the ministry was to know he did it- well, there would be a huge investigation and… and we couldn't very well bury her, couldn't… it'll just be a dishonor to her, it'll ruin her… death."

He looked at me pleadingly. A mixture of sadness and embarrassment filled his eyes.

I nodded slowly. This was none of my business; anyway- I shouldn't have even been there. James could have died all over again just because I was so damn-

"You're awake, Miss Evans!" said a Healer.

Oh, dear God.


End file.
